|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Prisca just told me that she is glad to see me posting here, because she knows that I will be held accountable.
I am going to move from doing online anger management seminars to anger management therapy with Newton Hightower. Some might have seen the link I posted to his site awhile back, angerbusters.com . I have been viewing his materials and think it is much better than the first program I tried. If you think you need a program well, ok. I didn't use any program except my faith and prayer. I just vowed to get control of myself. It is in the thinking. But if you need a program, so be it. You will be divorced if you do not stop this nonsense. Well, Dr. Harley thinks an anger management program is the next step when a spouse hasn't learned to control their anger. I've worked through half of a seminar that turned out not to be very good and then gone through materials from Newton Hightower and was about to go through a seminar using his methods, but instead of doing the seminar I now have a telephone appointment with Hightower himself next Monday.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Markos ~ I just found this on Prisca's thread: Markos seems to be holding a huge amount of resentment towards me. What should I do? Can you comment? What are you doing to make her think this? Reminder: Please be HONEST with us. I will certainly try to be honest. I'm not sure if I'm doing anything at this moment to show resentment, and in fact I'm not feeling a lot at the moment. We spent a couple of great hours together last night and it feels like both of us are putting ourselves hard into making changes, so I don't feel resentful. She might have read my post above where I talked about how much I resent what happened last year, though. And I do ... but that resentment vanishes when I see evidence that last year isn't going to happen again.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
Member
|
Member
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780 |
Prisca just told me that she is glad to see me posting here, because she knows that I will be held accountable.
I am going to move from doing online anger management seminars to anger management therapy with Newton Hightower. Some might have seen the link I posted to his site awhile back, angerbusters.com . I have been viewing his materials and think it is much better than the first program I tried. If you think you need a program well, ok. I didn't use any program except my faith and prayer. I just vowed to get control of myself. It is in the thinking. But if you need a program, so be it. You will be divorced if you do not stop this nonsense. Well, Dr. Harley thinks an anger management program is the next step when a spouse hasn't learned to control their anger. I've worked through half of a seminar that turned out not to be very good and then gone through materials from Newton Hightower and was about to go through a seminar using his methods, but instead of doing the seminar I now have a telephone appointment with Hightower himself next Monday. Well, that is good. I am not against AM programs....I just wanted to share my experience of getting my horrible anger/temper under control without a formal program. I found the first step for me was to get brutally honest with myself about WHY I was so angry all of the time. In my case, I was unhappy with my circumstances...I felt like my then husband had tricked me into a marriage with him when he had no intention of living the kind of live he promised he would live as my husband. I felt very trapped and thus when he would do anything to me it would trigger all that rage (how dare he not appreciate the sacrifice I am making by staying with him when it is not what I bargained for). So I don't know if you have some issues you haven't admitted to yourself or not. But it is something to think about.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490 |
Markos ~ I just found this on Prisca's thread: Markos seems to be holding a huge amount of resentment towards me. What should I do? Can you comment? What are you doing to make her think this? Reminder: Please be HONEST with us. I will certainly try to be honest. I'm not sure if I'm doing anything at this moment to show resentment, and in fact I'm not feeling a lot at the moment. We spent a couple of great hours together last night and it feels like both of us are putting ourselves hard into making changes, so I don't feel resentful. She might have read my post above where I talked about how much I resent what happened last year, though. And I do ... but that resentment vanishes when I see evidence that last year isn't going to happen again. IMHO it would be good to get this cleared up. You might consider asking her what it is you are doing that's giving her this impression.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
IMHO it would be good to get this cleared up. You might consider asking her what it is you are doing that's giving her this impression. Oh, I'm one step ahead of you. She says I'm not doing anything today that makes me appear resentful to her. She also wants to know if resentment is why I blew up at her two nights ago, and we're having that discussion right now.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Well, that didn't go well.
She wanted to talk about why I felt resentful yesterday and she wanted to know why I felt resentful before she DJ'ed me.
I didn't. She just doesn't know where the DJs started.
We talked a little bit, but then it wasn't long before she DJ'ed me, and I indicated I needed the conversation to stop. Prisca didn't respect my request and has now canceled our UA time for tonight.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Reposting the following, because it sums up my problem: And she's gotten very mad at me when I've tried to disengage from dangerous conversations. I have spent a lot of the last year learning how wrong and hurtful it is to try to force her to talk about a problem, and I'd like to have the same consideration extended to me. When I feel like there is a DJ I don't want to discuss the details of it (our coach said that was a very difficult thing to do without a fight). Last year Prisca highlighted a sentence in Love Busters that said "If your negotiation turns sour, and one of you succumbs to the temptation of the Taker with demands, disrespect or anger, end the discussion by changing the subject to something more pleasant." So I think that she would like me to do that. But sometimes when I have tried to gently change the subject or indicate I'm uncomfortable with a conversation she has responded with DJs. We agreed awhile back that we would grant each other at least ten minutes to calm down at any time (that's how long Dr. Harley says to take when you are frustrated to get all the adrenaline out of your system and avoid an angry outburst), but sometimes when I have tried to take that long to respond (we still talk a lot by instant messenger while I am at work) she has gotten upset with me or told me I am ignoring her. And truthfully if we take ten minutes and start again and I'm still subjected to DJs, the conversation is still not safe for me to continue.
I gave Prisca several DJ worksheets last year but haven't seen a lot of response. I did these on paper for awhile, but I started doing them through email after one MB lesson night we scheduled, when I gave her my form and she wouldn't extend her hand to take it from me. I was left standing there with my hand outstretched with the paper in it and she just looked at me; finally I just let go and dropped it to the ground. The last DJ worksheet I sent I asked "Can we talk about these some time?" but there was no response.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490 |
Well, that didn't go well.
She wanted to talk about why I felt resentful yesterday and she wanted to know why I felt resentful before she DJ'ed me.
I didn't. She just doesn't know where the DJs started.
We talked a little bit, but then it wasn't long before she DJ'ed me, and I indicated I needed the conversation to stop. Prisca didn't respect my request and has now canceled our UA time for tonight. How is she DJing you?
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
What specific issues are you resentful over? I'm assuming resentment is why you blew up at me? No, I don't really know why I blew up at you. Now that I am a couple of days away from it, I just look stupid to myself when I try to remember it. I became frustrated and do not have good habits firmly in place yet to deal with frustration. you sounded very resentful during the AO ... all day, actually disrespectful judgments frustrate me. but you sounded resentful before DJs Did you know it's a DJ to say "you never' or "you always"? It's also a disrespectful judgment to try to educate your spouse, so I was making a real mistake, here. (I didn't really know what that meant and didn't feel I could respond to something non-verbal, so:) why are you asking me that? I guess there's no answer. I felt the conversation was disrespectful from pretty early on. you've totally confused me What did I do that first made you think I felt resentful? and you know my desire for us to schedule 15 minutes a day for me to do the budget and pay bills, don't you? I felt like there were DJs before that point. Like when you said "I never know about these things" It's not right for me to withhold information from you, but the reason I withhold information is because I am scared of your reaction. (I felt like I was taking a risk being honest, here.) I never do ... when have I known? Here I again feel DJ'ed. I don't want this conversation to escalate into something bad. this conversation. Can we change the subject? Here is a transcript so folks can spot what I may not be seeing. A few minutes later, she emailed, telling me she didn't want to do our UA time tonight, and I responded "okay." For me it is this simple: I feel judged, and I want Prisca to respect that I need to back away from a conversation if I feel that way. I give her the same respect, in fact Marriage Builders calls for it. I do not believe that the solution is for me to work hard on just not being bothered by it.
Last edited by markos; 03/25/11 03:02 PM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
By telling me that what I felt was disrespectful was not disrespectful, because it is true.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
And since posting this, she's now IM'ed me: "Prisca didn't respect my request" I did respect your request. I walked away. you're lying about me
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490 |
By telling me that what I felt was disrespectful was not disrespectful, because it is true. You are right, that is a DJ. For me it is this simple: I feel judged, and I want Prisca to respect that I need to back away from a conversation if I feel that way. I give her the same respect, in fact Marriage Builders calls for it. Can you point out, in this conversation, where you felt judged?
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
I felt judged when I told her that I felt like "I never know about these things" was a DJ from the previous conversation, and her reply was "I never do. When have I known?"
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Another email I just received from Prisca: And I did not cancel UA time. I told you I didn't want to go to the gym.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
I just want to stop arguing. I don't want to settle who's right or not, and I don't want to be told I am a liar because I saw the conversation differently from the way she did.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
She continues to IM me, telling me that I'm lying to say that she won't respect my request to end the conversation, because she did respect it. She wants to know why I won't respond.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490 |
I felt judged when I told her that I felt like "I never know about these things" was a DJ from the previous conversation, and her reply was "I never do. When have I known?" Markos...I hate to break it to you but this is not a judging question. Can you think a little harder and figure out why this question bothers you so much? There is an underlying reason and IMO you really need to figure out WHY. She can't very well stop asking you questions out of fear that you will feel "judged" now, can she?
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490 |
I just want to stop arguing. I don't want to settle who's right or not, and I don't want to be told I am a liar because I saw the conversation differently from the way she did. Remember yesterday when you said this and it was determined it was because you didn't want to talk about the possibility that it was your fault? This is a huge problem, Markos...HUGE. You make a mistake and then you don't want to talk about it. How in the world are you going to fix anything if you won't talk about it and find a solution?
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
I just want to stop arguing. I don't want to settle who's right or not, and I don't want to be told I am a liar because I saw the conversation differently from the way she did. Remember yesterday when you said this and it was determined it was because you didn't want to talk about the possibility that it was your fault? This is a huge problem, Markos...HUGE. You make a mistake and then you don't want to talk about it. How in the world are you going to fix anything if you won't talk about it and find a solution? I'm a little bit confused ... are Prisca and I not entitled to have different opinions about whose fault something is? I thought trying to tell your spouse something is their fault WAS a disrespectful judgment, by definition.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490 |
I just want to stop arguing. I don't want to settle who's right or not, and I don't want to be told I am a liar because I saw the conversation differently from the way she did. Remember yesterday when you said this and it was determined it was because you didn't want to talk about the possibility that it was your fault? This is a huge problem, Markos...HUGE. You make a mistake and then you don't want to talk about it. How in the world are you going to fix anything if you won't talk about it and find a solution? I'm a little bit confused ... are Prisca and I not entitled to have different opinions about whose fault something is? I thought trying to tell your spouse something is their fault WAS a disrespectful judgment, by definition. I was not under the impression. A couple of months back my H and I had an issue ~ he was dishonest about something and I told him so. He was adamant that he WASN'T dishonest about it. I knew he was. I posted to Dr. H about it. Dr. H's response to my H was "Admit you were wrong and apologize. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN." My H had to ADMIT he was wrong in order for us to move on.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
0 members (),
228
guests, and
63
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|