I know it is, but if you were to ask him how he reacts to any comments that hint that he is not perfect, he would admit that he doesn't handle it well. I am not excusing myself, but explaining that I am not just being mean, I know my husband and I was trying not to hurt him even more.

Yes, it will hurt and he will likely not have a good initial reaction (I didn't either). However, if he loves you, he will cool off and then make every effort to make the changes you need. You have to trust his love in you. This will work Athena.

Quit "hinting that he is not perfect" then. It has nothing to do with perfection. It has to do with your own personal preferences. Your unique tastes. Your subjective opinion.

My wife prefers that I wear a beard and mustache. I shaved it all off last year under the mistaken belief that she liked me to shave it all off once in a year for variety. She did not! She told me she'd like me not to do that any more. There's nothing wrong with a man being clean-shaven. It had nothing to do with whether I was "perfect" or not; it has to do with appearance.

Don't say "You look bad." That shows you believe in some kind of objective standard for what looks good and what looks bad. Say "I'd like it if you would grow a beard / shave it off / lose twenty pounds / gain ten pounds / wear a different kind of shirt / work out with weights / have your hair cut more often / have your hair cut in a different style." Other than the weight issue (which almost everybody in the country is sensitive about) none of those hint at any idea of "perfection" or "imperfection." And neither should YOU.

Is weight the issue, by the way?

What specific things would you like changed about his appearance? It is NOT productive to just say you have a high physical attractiveness need and you need him to change; what are your desires?


If you say you'd like him to switch from sneakers to dress shoes and he gets upset, it is not because you hurt him. Let him pick his own reaction to that.

I don't bring "perfection" into it - there is no such thing. it is about how he takes criticism, constructive or not. He doesn't respond well to advice or any suggestion that he is not already doing something (in his opinion) perfectly already.

No. His weight is fine. I would like him to lift weights and get some muscle. He already shaved his beard after we had a nice chat about that and I can finally kiss him now. I will sit down and consider exactly what else is turning me off physically so we can work to resolve those issues. I will do my ENQ.

Athena, it is great to hear that you realize now that you can do something even if you don't feel like it.

Do you guys have a plan yet to give each other fifteen hours of your undivided attention every week?

There is nothing wrong with you feeling that way, and nothing wrong with you telling him exactly that, word for word.


This is great; it sounds to me like he reacts positively when you tell him about a change you would prefer in his appearance.

Remember that as he is working through this program, too, he is going to learn how to do an even better job of listening to and responding to your concerns.

Thanks for your help and support. 2x4s do help sometimes

We are working on our plan. More to come!

So glad to hear that you are going to do the ENQ! Don't hold anything back. Put it all out there and then give him some time to digest the information and make changes. You will get what you want out of this, but it will take some time.

Athena,

don't have much patience tonight so I will be blunt and see how you handle that. You said THEN QUIT CRITIZING HIM!!!!

Cheeeeeze, how stupid can you be? Don't make it about him, tell him what YOU like, what YOU want, what YOU can handle. And when he does these things tell him how much you appreciate it.

You have been here a long time and have YET to understand the love bank concept. YOu have left him to take care of home things, himself while you went off and had an affair. YOu have told him you don't love him, you cannot stand to look at him, and that you cannot stand to be near him, and then you say...

He doesn't take critizism well. DUH! Grow up.

The fact that he is still with you is rather amazing, but given that he is quit whinning and actually read the articles here. YOu can get many messages across to people without criticizing people. Try being positive instead of negative.

"Honey, do you know what I would really love for you to try with me? I would really love it if you tried...." And when he does thank him.

You want to feel love???? The surest what to feel love is to give it. You cannot give feelings Athena, but you can give actions, touches, smiles, thank you's, and compliments where they are warrented. YOu give love by your actions, and frankly, you have given very very little for a long time. No wonder you don't "feel" any love. Again, DUH!!!!!

Athena, change your perspectives, your actions, and your goals and you will find what you are looking for and it is very very likely with the man you married and had children with.

Think about it.

God Bless,

JL

Well. Nicely put, JL! Athena, think back to when you were dating your husband, and everything was new and exciting with him. Would you have criticized his actions back then? Or would you have figured out a delicate way to let him know what you need?

Athena,

This is my first post ever, so hopefully you'll get this.. I am new to this site, and I searched for posts that were similar to my situation. I can identify with yours in many ways...

10 years ago I married my H. He was a great guy with many of the qualities that I was looking for.. however, a couple of years after we married, we had sexual problems. I felt that I wasn't attracted to him anymore. I couldn't figure it out, and it bothered me so much. I went to counseling, but that didn't help. I couldn't tell my H b/c I felt so bad. He just figured that I didn't like sex that much.

Miraculously, we had a baby, and I had horrible PPD. Felt like a terrible mother, cried all the time. Went on some AD, and that helped alot. Had a second child but didn't have the PPD as bad. Stayed on meds.

Anyway, had really bad self-esteem issues b/c I felt like a horrible mom and a horrible wife. Unfortunately, I then met what was to become my OM... I had a 2 year A with him. He became my escape from depression, but that was just an illusion. I just didn't know it at the time. At that time, I thought he was my soul mate, b/c he made me feel so good about myself. But I knew what I was doing was wrong. I tried to break it off several times, but I wasn't strong enough....didn't know about MB, and just gave into my cravings of withdrawal.

I am now 7 weeks NC with OM. My H knows about the affair and we're reading MB books. Withdrawal is like h*ll at times, and I have very weak moments but I don't give in. I know that if I were to be with the OM, it wouldn't be the "bliss" that I thought it was. We would not have the relationship we had in our "escape" from our own realities.

More importantly, my H has stood by me through all of this. I don't deserve him, but he loves me so much that he wants to work this all out and keep our family together. Our kids are 5 and 7 now, this would devastate them. Divorce is devastating to children.

Once we started sitting down together and reading His Needs, Her Needs, we were amazed what we discovered about each other. I know it's hard to find time for the UA, but you can be creative with kids... we have "couch time". This is where the family is all in the same room, but kids have to play by themselves while "mommy and daddy" talk on the couch. This lasts for about 20-30 minutes of UA.

Now, back to the sex issue... yes, I still have a problem with that, and I believe that I developed an aversion to sex with my H. I haven't figured out how to deal with that yet; however, the UA is helping my feelings for him, and I'm noticing less aversion. I feel closer to him, and our IC is much better and stronger, creating a good bond between us.

This is a slow process, and it will take a long time. I also want to try to get counseling for my sexual aversion. It may cost a lot of money and/or time.... but you can't put a price tag on your mental health. If your leg was broken, you wouldn't keep walking around on it without seeking medical treatment, right?

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck in your situation, and I hope that your depression starts to lift.

grace, welcome to MarriageBuilders. It's great you found the site, and even better that you and your BH are working the program at home.

I would suggest you start your own thread, and I would also strongly encourage your BH to start a thread as well. That way, you both get tailored advice and support from those who have been on both sides of the equation.

Again, welcome!

Just checking in to see how your marriage is progressing.

God Bless,

Tough~