Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
Good for you BCboy, enjoy the feeling......


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 200
B
BCboy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 200
I am replying to this post as so many of the participants provided me with thoughts and input that was very valuable to me at a time of crisis in my life.

Things change. So here is an update of how a persons situation (emotions, feelings, actions, faith) can evolve.

1) Thanks to the care and input provided by many of the posters here at MB I was able to get over the agony of my marriage breaking down.
2) I have recovered emotionally and have moved on to building a new life
3) My wife moved in with the OM fall of 2010
4) I have gone through the process of forgiveness toward my wife. (Let God deal with her and let her be responsible for her own stuff)
5) Just because I have forgiven does not mean I have forgotten the issues, and I choose not to trust her any longer (boundaries are in place)
6) I am able to attend family (the kids) functions when she is there and we are able to be cordial.

So now TODAY!!!!
Beam me up Scotty as there are strange happenings on this planet.

The situation:
As predicted by the fine folks here on MB life with the OM is proving to be a disappointment for her. Her expectations are not being met. All is not perfect in paradise. She wanted to get married to this guy, but he did not want to get married, so she settled and moved in with him. Now they are both having health problems. And life with him is not what she expected it to be. She is unhappy.

I recently attended a family function where ex wife indicated she might want to get together. I pointed out that she was living with OM and had made her decisions and I had moved on. I stood at the line of reconciliation for 2 years and she chose to stay with OM. I told her that I have moved on with my life and what we once had has been broken. The trust is gone, and I have established a new life. (I am doing well, involved in a new church, new job, new friends, new city etc...)

Today I get a message on my phone that she feels I am being vindictive. (I continue to be the villain)Because we had been married for over 33 years and that should carry sufficient weight for me to re marry her as she is now willing to consider getting back together. Of course all this could have been avoided if I had been a better person to begin with. She was forced to do what she did because of me. (Here she has justification as I was working long hours and had little idea about meeting emotional needs, until I was educated here. So for those of you who don't think EN's are of vital importance, think again). But as far as she is concerned it was all my fault and she is blameless. If I could just admit that it was all my fault we could get back together and she might be happy with me now.

I on the other hand do not have any desire to get back with her, as there is this little issue surrounding an EA with a neighbor, and then putting herself out on an internet dating site, dating 4-6 men and finding this new love of her life and eventually moving in with him. Funny thing about Adultery it has the ability to erode the foundations of a relationship. She shows no remorse, and is anchored in Blaming, Guilt and Shaming. Somehow now she has changed her mind, I am supposed to be excited about taking her back into a marriage. Hmmmmmmm.

So for all of you struggling with the issues of Adultery and Infidelity take heart. It does get better. Do what so many suggest and work on YOU. Once you process the issues you face, you can begin healing.

Thank goodness for the kind folks here. I can affirm they helped me immensely. These understanding and caring folks helped speed the healing process.

Hang in there it does get better.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Oh BCboy, if this wasn't about real life, it would be hilarious. I hope you got her with some good ones. Like when she said that you two could get back together if YOU admitted you were wrong, I hope you said, "Well I can't so I guess we won't." Or something like that.

She is still so foggy.

Thank you for sharing.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
Originally Posted By: BCboy
She shows no remorse, and is anchored in Blaming, Guilt and Shaming.


Of course. Like a typical WW, she's blaming you for her choices.

Why aren't you in a permanent Plan B with her?


ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 200
B
BCboy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 200
I am not in permanent plan B with her because I no longer need to protect myself emotionally. I let go. I do not feel the need or have the desire to hold any grudge or see justice done. It was hard on my kids when it came to special occasions. So I chose to make it easier on them, because I was capable of letting go. I forgave for me, not her. I let go of my claim on being justified to feel hurt. I processed the pain and the emotions and emerged out the other side. I no longer feel the need for payback.

That is the beauty in working on becoming the best me I can be. That is why the posters here continually encourage the betrayed spouses to work on themselves. It has long term benefits. I no longer have any anger toward her. I no longer feel the need for any form of payback. Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. I no longer carry the burden. Do I trust her? No. However I will treat her with courtesy and respect. Do I have the desire to be emotionally open and vulnerable with her? No. Instead I choose to focus on the realization she gave me 3 invaluable gifts, my children, and for that I am thankful. She is responsible for her actions and behaviors. I am responsible for mine.

As Just Learning so eloquently reminded us. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
FWIW, I think the most appropriate response to her wayward drivel would be,

"Gee. You know I once used to spend lots of time thinking about recovering the marriage, but those times are long past now. I realize that my feelings about you just might be that 'I love you, but I'm not "in love" with you.' Know what I mean?"


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
HaHaHa @ Schoolbus !!!!

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
BcBoy,

I am so glad to hear your update. It seems you have indeed moved on and gotten into a life that brings you joy.

I would be strongly tempted respond to her email. I do not know if there is another in your life, but let me guess if there is she would have the following attributes:

1. She loved you and cared for you.

2. She looked to make you happy.

3. She respected you and valued your opinions.

4. She knows you and likes the person she knows.

5. She shares her life with you and takes responsibility for her actions and feelings.

6. She is honest.

7. She has the capacity of forgiveness and empathy.

8. She has a moral foundation that make me comfortable with her.

I would be tempted to say: Yes exW we could perhaps get back together, but I need a W who:...

And then I would provide that list and say, "I want such a woman in my life." And then I would leave it alone.

Just thoughts. She is still thinking in a wayward way, or to use the analogy she is thinking as someone who is addicted to alcohol or drugs, it is all about her.

You can make your own list, but I think it would be fair to point out what you want our of the woman that would be your mate in the future.

God Bless,

JL

Page 4 of 4 1 2 3 4

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 32 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Ella Paradis, Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg
71,683 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5