Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 88 of 91 1 2 86 87 88 89 90 91
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Just wanted everyone to know that I see the physical problem as temporary, not permanent. I went to the doctor. He gave me iron pills. And a referral to the surgeon. The prescription iron pills seem to be working. Much less bleeding than when I took only over the counter iron pills. And the surgeon will suggest ways to address the bleeding. So I should be able to overcome the anemia. That should enable me to achieve erections, and also to get back to exercising so I have more cardio-vascular fitness so I can perform better. That way I can go back to initiating from time to time. Still not ready to have the "big" discussion about sex. But at least we could overcome the current complete roadblock. Thanks to those who expressed concern.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Mrs. Hold spent the weekend with 3 friends from college. One is already divorced. The other 2 are close to being WAW, and seriously thinking about divorcing when their kids leave home in a few years. Mrs. Hold is down on the concept of marriage. She questions whether anyone can be happily married. I will invite her to share her thoughts and feelings. Perhaps this can lead to more honest conversation.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 120
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 120
Originally Posted By: holdingontoit
Mrs. Hold is down on the concept of marriage. She questions whether anyone can be happily married. I will invite her to share her thoughts and feelings. Perhaps this can lead to more honest conversation.


That's because marriage takes effort. And I'm sorry, but if one spouse is out there hacking out a living day in and day out, and the other is comfortably spending the days at home, having lunch with friends, spending money, with no responsibilities, then that effort is not mutual.

The hardest thing to do on this earth is to get up every day and make a living out there. It is given far too little recognition in marriage these days.

Last edited by EasyE; 03/14/11 12:01 PM.
EasyE #2488560 03/15/11 09:07 AM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
I let some truth slip out today. Mrs. Hold was complaining that we don't have any fun together. I agreed. I offered to do more things that are fun. She looked at me strangely, as if she was doubting I could be fun now that I am old and such a curmudgeon. I told her I turned it off, but I can turn it on again. She again looked at me strangely. I told her that our lack of fun was partly on purpose. I used to like having fun with her. I enjoyed our dates. Unfortunately, when we have a great time together, I get horny. Eventually I realized our fun times together almost never lead to sex or even hugging or cuddling. That made the aftermath of those fun dates painful. To avoid the pain, I tried hard not to allow myself to enjoy our time together "too much". I pull back when I start to feel close to her.

You could see her whole demeanor change when I said the part about "I get horny and then we don't have sex and that is painful". I should have just said "let's have more fun" and left it at that. I am my own worst enemy. Yeah, like that is such a revelation! wink


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 709
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 709
Well, at least you were honest, which is more than I can say. I was just looking through some old posts, and finding that I'm still doing the same non-MB things today that I was eight years ago. Soooo tired of treading water. As you are too.

Issachar #2488572 03/15/11 09:41 AM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Don't think you are doing worse than me. I am not applying MB. If I were, I would be cleaning up my own side of the street. Which I am not doing. And I would long since have gone into Plan B. Which I will not do until the kids leave. So I am most definitely doing no better than you at applying the MB system.

The difference is, you seem to be uncomfortable enough that you might actually make some changes now. I am far too comfortable being unhappy to make any changes.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 709
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 709
Brother, I would *never* try to paint my situation as more hopeless than yours, or challenge your position as the most despondent MB-er. That's your schtick! (And I hope you can chuckle at that.)

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 6
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 6
Originally Posted By: holdingontoit
Don't think you are doing worse than me. I am not applying MB. If I were, I would be cleaning up my own side of the street. Which I am not doing. And I would long since have gone into Plan B. Which I will not do until the kids leave. So I am most definitely doing no better than you at applying the MB system.


You know, hold, I have actually heard Dr. Harley address situations like this on the radio show, where a man keeps going just for the children. One family the wife was involved in an active affair and the husband and wife separated, and the children went into a massive downward self-destructive spiral, getting in trouble at school, etc. They got back together even though the wife's affair did not stop! It was killing the husband, but his children got a lot better just from their parents being together, even through the active affair.

I wish I knew what the date was on that show.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2488680 03/15/11 01:27 PM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Iss, yes of course I am chuckling. We Nice Guys gotta stick together. Well, actually we gotta bash each other over the head with heavy blunt instruments. But we gotta stick together. Even if that means bashing each other with sticks! grin

Markos, there is no way to know which is better for the children. Staying together even though I am miserable? Breaking up and hoping I can set a better example if I live a more fulfilling life? There are studies and odds but no guarantees. Some kids wish their parents had gotten divorced sooner. Other kids wish their parents never got divorced. Even if one percentage is higher than the other, no one can predict with certainty which side my kids will fall on, or even that both would fall on the same side.

I stay because I am afraid to leave. And unmotivated to improve myself both out of fear improvement would motivate me to leave and out of feeling that Mrs. Hold should not get any financial benefits while she rejects my needs. Not particularly admirable behavior on my part. A braver person would improve themselves, and let the chips fall where they may on the current marriage.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Last summer I promised Mrs. Hold we could take a big trip this year in honor of her losing 60+ pounds. I have been saving all year, and now have enough in the account to pay for the trip. Mrs. Hold is so excited. She is going to book the trip tonight. She has actually been smiling and laughing. She is in such a good mood, she actually touched her cheek to my cheek! And she let me touch her hip without jumping up or running away.

The kids are excited but anxious, because we are going to one of the smaller countries in South America. They don't know what to expect from such an exotic place. Should be a wonderful broadening experience for them.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 94
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 94
Hold, I hope you and your family have an amazing time!

Isabeau #2494819 04/04/11 09:00 AM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
This morning I walked up to Mrs. Hold and said "every marriage has its problems. So do we. I can live with many problems remaining unresolved. But there is one issue I cannot tolerate."

You could see her face fall. You could see in her body language she was gathering herself for a confrontation. I continued.

"There is only one acceptable way to place the toilet paper into the roller. Loose end over the top toward the front. Never allow the loose end to point toward the wall and have to be pulled from underneath. NEVER!"

She said she would try to remember. I said "for a moment you really got worried that I was going in a different direction with that introduction, weren't you." She said "yes, I couldn't believe that you were going to bring up something serious on Monday morning as I was about to head out the door for exercise class".

What, she thinks toilet paper is not a serious topic!! crazy grin


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 709
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 709
LOL. I was always a staunch advocate of Hold's method until I noticed how easy that makes it for our two-year-old to spin paper off the roll. So I'm thinking about switching, temporarily.

Issachar #2496567 04/11/11 01:51 PM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Had a very nice weekend with both kids. D14 had a swim meet and did very well. S16 and I did a driver's ed class and then we went to his AAU team's basketball game. He is bummed because he tore 2 ligaments in his finger and can't play this spring. But he wanted to show support for his teammates. Was hard for him to sit on the bench and watch them lose. Sunday he spent the day volunteering to help enter scores at his sister's meet. He worked for 8 hours. And all of us got to watch all 3 of D14's events. She felt very supported.

Mrs. Hold and I each show moments of kindness to the other. But it is hard to disguise that in the big picture we don't feel love for one another. And that leaks out at times.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 120
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 120
I don't know, I think you two love each other in some weird way.

Otherwise, I don't think you'd be able to live like you do.

EasyE #2497720 04/14/11 08:14 AM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Mrs. Hold offered to have "kissy face" this morning. Thursday is the day she doesn't have any exercise or Weight Watchers classes in the morning. At first I turned her down. Then I figured we could at least snuggle. One thing led to another. It started to work. Then it didn't. Mrs. Hold was very gracious. I, of course, feel like dung. Decades of rejection while I could function. Now she is willing and I can't. I want to punch my hand through a wall I am so frustrated. I hate myself for not following my first instinct and turning her down. Everything I ever wanted is there for the taking, but it remains just beyond my grasp. I feel like bashing my head against the wall until it is a soggy bleeding mess.

And of course it is tax season so I am swamped at work. Ugh. Thank goodness I warned my secretary and the lawyers who sit nearby that there will be NO birthday celebration for me this year. A couple of them reminded me yesterday that I am a spoilsport for not letting them celebrate. Exactly.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 412
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 412
Hold, hang in there.


"If you will stop feeding your feelings, then they will stop controlling you" -Joyce Meyer
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 120
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 120
Geez, Hold, like it's your fault? Considering the constant rejection you've faced for years on end, it's no wonder.

I worked at Microsoft in Seattle for years. It will rain for weeks on end in Seattle. And sometimes, after literally months of unending drizzle, suddenly it will become SUNNY at, say, 2:30 in the afternoon on a Sunday.

So I'm on the couch, all hunkered down in a stupor, awashed in glorious rays of sunshine, and I am feeling like I really, really wasted the day. Like I should be out biking in the mountains or something.

It was raining for months and months on end!!!!!

EasyE #2499102 04/18/11 10:30 AM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Had a wonderful birthday, mostly because of Mrs. Hold. She very much tried to show that she loves me in ways that speak to me.

Dentist appointment went well. No cavities despite not having gone in 10 years. The dentist said I should do commercials for chewing sugerless gum.

The surgical appointment was OK. He scoped and said "I don't see anything. Nothing yet. Oh, THERE it is." Too big to band, so either the cortisone shrinks it or I am in for some simple surgery but a very painful recovery. Oh well, at my age it could be much worse.

Dinner with my parents and sister was great, as was the rest of the weekend with them in NYC.

As for the gym, I have been too anemic to go. Now that the iron pills have that controlled, I am back on the exercise bike. I will eventually get back to the gym. Just need to get the surgery behind me (pun intended) first.

Hope everyone had a great weekend.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,556
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,556
Happy Belated Birthday, and Happy Passover!


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Page 88 of 91 1 2 86 87 88 89 90 91

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 47 guests, and 66 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Cassy0110, Slytherinlyfe, bb1471, OTDL2001, DexterWalsh
71,661 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,523
Posts2,322,508
Members71,662
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5