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Originally Posted by weolm
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Did you call the OMW yet?


Couldn't get in touch with OMW. I think I found his parents via google. Will call in the morning.

Good! And I would also keep trying to get the OMW until you get through. How have you tried to reach her?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Before I get started on the Sunday update, still no workplace exposure. Please read events of the day to see if you would consider this A still in need of workplace exposure:

Started the morning off at 6:00am with an early drive to WW hotel to see if OM was there too. His car was not there, searched the surrounding area as well.

Talked to OMW this morning and this set off a flurry of activity. OMW has stated that OM is living with friends and has asked to come back home. OMW said that he is no longer looking for an apartment in my city. OMW was also told that WW told OM a week ago that she is working on getting back with me, which isn't true. (Later on I asked WW about this and WW replied that it was to get OM to go away.) I suggested to OMW to have OM compose a NC letter to WW. OM has agreed to do this. Also, OMW said OM has withdrawn from his parents and siblings due to guilt.

OMW then called WW and they had a 15 minute conversation where OMW told WW that OM was at various stages of A with other women and WW wasn't the only one. OMW told WW that they had a good marriage with the exception of his problems with excess, not just women but toys, vacations, etc. OMW then asked WW to explain what OM told WW about why his marriage was so bad. WW didn't even know! Lots of other things that painted the OM in a very bad light.

WW called me and we got into an argument about the contact with OMW. I told WW that I can talk to whomever I like. I said that I can't forgive her right now, but with hard work I would be able to eventually. Also starting going into the kids and that she is going to be the one that has to live with breaking up our marriage, etc. I did make a few LB comments unfortunately, nothing too bad but looking back I think they were LBs none-the-less.

I sent OM a text that I needed his address in the event I need to subpoena him. He is not happy with this and is scared to death his company will find out if he is subpoenaed.

WW came home for the neighborhood Easter egg hunt. Lots of small talk and the request again of no contact with the OMW. After the EEH, we all went to the park. WW started trying to pin down a schedule of when she could be home and me away again. I reiterated that I'm not going to be leaving the house. WW then asked how much we could afford for her to get an apartment. I told WW that if she got an apartment, she wouldn't be welcome back at the house. WW said that we should just go ahead and put the house on the market. We split up to find the kids so she could say goodbye for the day. I picked the 4 yr old up and he started hugging me as we went to find WW and the 6 yr old. As she went to say goodbye to the 4 yr old, he wouldn't let go of me and WW was visibly shaken. (I couldn't have asked for a better response from the 4 yr old!) As we were walking to our separate cars, I told WW that I don't like the direction this is heading and how this would turn out. WW said "I guess I could live in the basement, but it would just be for the kids, not for you." I told WW that it is a good starting point but it eventually has to be for me. (In hind sight, I think I should have told her that she needs to commit to at least trying to fix things.) Anyway she was heading out of town for an early meeting tomorrow, which is four hours in the opposite direction of OMs hometown, so 10 hours of distance total. I don't think they are seeing each other tonight.

She called to say goodnight to the kids and our only comments were "Talk to you in the morning". So I do still have some time to compile what I need from her if she really means that she wants to stay in the basement. Or do I just let her back in the basement and continue to meet ENs and then make it known what I need from her when she wants to come back upstairs? I really think having WW in the house at the same time would be a big step.

Or, she could flip/flop again and tell me that she is going to go it alone. I think her call with OMW may have really hit home, even though she thinks OMW is psycho and a liar.

What do I do next when WW calls to talk to the kids in the AM? Should I attempt to talk to her about anything regarding our situation? just make some small EN deposits? or just have her talk to the kids and that's it?

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She is still in an affair with the OM, that is what is going on here. She is off to see him again tonight. She was with him last night too. Even a half wit wayward knows enough to hide a car.

I most certainly would expose to the workplace tomorrow. And keep in touch with the OMW.

Quote
WW came home for the neighborhood Easter egg hunt. Lots of small talk and the request again of no contact with the OMW.

And what was your response? Hopefully you did not agree to not talk to the OMW? You should be talking to her every day until this affair is killed.

As far as her sleeping in the basement, all that means is that she is considering moving her affair headquarters to the basement. SEe, here is how it will work: she moves into the basement, pronounces herself "separated" and commences to carrying on like an alley cat in heat. I would let her know you won't allow anything less than a full committment to your marriage, that you will not stay in a loveless marriage.

I would contact an attorney and see what your rights are. Your wife is extremely brazen and FLAGRANT and I am concerned for your safety.

In the meantime, tell your wife that if she doesn't end her affair and come home that this will lead to divorce. AND IT WON'T BE PRETTY. Tell her you will be filing on grounds of adultery and will have her OM subpoenaed to testify under oath.

Also, set your 6 yr old down and tell him the truth about his mothers affair. Tell him that his mother is having an affair with another man and that this is breaking up your family. Tell him you are doing everything in your power to prevent this. Your child should be encouraged to ask his mother to explain her destructive actions.

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.
here

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.

The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.

The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).

Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.

It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Quote
I sent OM a text that I needed his address in the event I need to subpoena him. He is not happy with this and is scared to death his company will find out if he is subpoenaed.

You have a GREAT opportunity to kill this affair if you will keep up the pressure on him. He does not want the trouble of a scorned husband. If you will expose him at work and have an attorney contact him you will RUN HIM OFF.

If you run him off he will dump your wife and you will have a chance to save your marriage. All he wants is a cheap piece of fun on the side, he does not want this kind of trouble.

He has already told you he is scared he will be exposed at work. I bet he has done this kind of thing before. Don't pass up this opportunity. And if you can find his parents, expose to them too.

Raise holy hell with this OM, weolm, and you have a chance to save this!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by weolm
OMW was also told that WW told OM a week ago that she is working on getting back with me, which isn't true. (Later on I asked WW about this and WW replied that it was to get OM to go away.)

The OM told his wife this in order to divert attention from your wife as his affair partner. If your wife's affair was really over, she would be home. They are still very much in the affair but are doing their best to detract attention from that fact.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thank heavens Mel is helping you, weolm. I am concerned about the level of details that you are providing however. The only thing we need to know is that the affair is still on.

Get ready to kill this A with a strategic and complete exposure. A little here and there doesn't work...it's like using a squirt gun on a raging fire.

Please re-read Mel's posts and instead of telling us what WW is saying or doing, lay out your exposure plan so that we can help you tweak it if necessary so that you can finally kill this A.


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Originally Posted by weolm
What do I do next when WW calls to talk to the kids in the AM?

Don't answer the phone. If she wants to talk to your children, she should do it in person. It's asinine for you to be the telephone operator.

Stop enabling her, it's not fair to your kids to have an "absentee" mom that just drops by when she feels like it. They need you to stand up for them, as they'll take what they're seeing now and apply it to their own relationships in the future.



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Weolm

Are you staying in your house full time now?


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Hello?


Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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Last edited by MBSeasons; 05/02/11 08:27 PM.
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