Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 15 of 88 1 2 13 14 15 16 17 87 88
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Wife said she's still mad. I don't blame her but I think it best to give her some space for a night until she's ready.


Or make yourself available for her to express her feelings, shut up and listen, and let her talk. DO NOT OFFER YOUR OPINION OR ADVICE. DO NOT OFFER ANYTHING YOU ARE READING HERE.

Just listen!


I understand.


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
A quick rundown. She ignored my text to her asking her if she was "ok" at 11am all day, she finally emailed me at about much later with the following, you'll see my replies:

Her:
I hope u hear this clearly I WILL communicate with you when u get home. Stop trying to fix things on the dot and put pressure on everything. U did something wrong, I'm getting over it and I will be ready when u get home. I would like I to have more patience.

Me:
I would appreciate you removing the 'tude. What do you mean? I sent you a text 4 hours ago asking if you were ok. What pressure are you referring to? If you're ok I'm gonna work a little later as I don't think it would be wise to speak right now, ok? If your mood changes let me know. I love you.

Her:
I'm just letting u know I've told u more than once I would like to speak with u when u get home. I feel like u try to force responses and get annoyed. I'm not trying to have any attitude and of course I FEEL like you are reading into my email. Simply stated talk later. I held back every ounce of my body from telling staci everything. She is a good friend and watched Alex so I could run. There are little people with ears here. I will gladly see u when I get home.

Me:
Please reread my email again. Specifically what did I read into and what did I force? Are you reading my thread? I sent you a text at 11 am asking if you were ok in a respectful loving concerned manner. That is all I did, does that bother you? I thought it was nice. I'm glad you want to chat later, we can spend time together. Luv you lots

Her:
I'm normally glad for u to send me text messages other than today when I was extremely mad and hurt by u for basically calling me a [censored]. So yes I am mad and willing to move on but I will have my own stew for one night. Yes I do luv u but I'm still extremely still hurt and overwhelmed. We can still watch movies and hang tonight but please don't have any expectations that I'm going to desire to be affectionate tonight considering the circumstances.

We haven't spoken all night nor made eye contact. I went into the other room to read the book, she went up to take a shower so I put the kids down. I've apologized to her and publicly on this forum numerous times but it is gonna take a lot more time for her to get over this as near as I can tell. She is hurt and I get that and at a minimum I'm not LBing anything I suppose but we are in a state of withdrawal at the moment.

Speaking of withdrawal, that is where we were for a long time with occasional bouts of conflict. At least we are in a state of conflict and hopefully heading back towards intimacy. She has shut me out again entirely and it feels bad. I'm very lonely and sad tonight.


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
A quick rundown. She ignored my text to her asking her if she was "ok" at 11am all day, she finally emailed me at about much later with the following, you'll see my replies:

Her:
I hope u hear this clearly I WILL communicate with you when u get home. Stop trying to fix things on the dot and put pressure on everything. U did something wrong, I'm getting over it and I will be ready when u get home. I would like I to have more patience.

Me:
I would appreciate you removing the 'tude. What do you mean? I sent you a text 4 hours ago asking if you were ok. What pressure are you referring to? If you're ok I'm gonna work a little later as I don't think it would be wise to speak right now, ok? If your mood changes let me know. I love you.

Her:
I'm just letting u know I've told u more than once I would like to speak with u when u get home. I feel like u try to force responses and get annoyed. I'm not trying to have any attitude and of course I FEEL like you are reading into my email. Simply stated talk later. I held back every ounce of my body from telling staci everything. She is a good friend and watched Alex so I could run. There are little people with ears here. I will gladly see u when I get home.

Me:
Please reread my email again. Specifically what did I read into and what did I force? Are you reading my thread? I sent you a text at 11 am asking if you were ok in a respectful loving concerned manner. That is all I did, does that bother you? I thought it was nice. I'm glad you want to chat later, we can spend time together. Luv you lots

Her:
I'm normally glad for u to send me text messages other than today when I was extremely mad and hurt by u for basically calling me a [censored]. So yes I am mad and willing to move on but I will have my own stew for one night. Yes I do luv u but I'm still extremely still hurt and overwhelmed. We can still watch movies and hang tonight but please don't have any expectations that I'm going to desire to be affectionate tonight considering the circumstances.

We haven't spoken all night nor made eye contact. I went into the other room to read the book, she went up to take a shower so I put the kids down. I've apologized to her and publicly on this forum numerous times but it is gonna take a lot more time for her to get over this as near as I can tell. She is hurt and I get that and at a minimum I'm not LBing anything I suppose but we are in a state of withdrawal at the moment.

Speaking of withdrawal, that is where we were for a long time with occasional bouts of conflict. At least we are in a state of conflict and hopefully heading back towards intimacy. She has shut me out again entirely and it feels bad. I'm very lonely and sad tonight.



Uh, you picked a fight there dippey-doo!

Her red = something going through your ears/eys like wind in a tunnel - she is stating that she cannot carry on the conversation comfortably and you keep forcing it.

Shut yer yap and LISTEN TO THE WOMAN.


Your red = disrespectful judgments. You are trying to educate her about her own feelings, or making assumptions about how long it should take her to "get over it."

Knock it off!


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972

Speaking of withdrawal, that is where we were for a long time with occasional bouts of conflict. At least we are in a state of conflict and hopefully heading back towards intimacy. She has shut me out again entirely and it feels bad. I'm very lonely and sad tonight.



It will take her time to get over your comment yesterday. At least she's sharing a house with you, I think that's pretty generous given the circumstances. wink Give her some time, peace, and meet her needs as best you can until she's ready to move on. Quit pushing her so hard.

MB doesn't work over night. It's not a majikal cureall for all marriage ailments. It takes time, work on yourselves, commitment, and changing some normally entrenched beliefs. Give it time, be patient. Someone told me to form a plan, give it a set amount of time, and reevaluate at the end of that time. It worked out pretty well for us. We still struggle, but a lot of that is situational and not the fault of the program because we're not using it 100% (DH still travels 5 days a week).

I believe that stewing and then blowing up is really hard for both parties to get over. My DH has always been really, really bad about it and since we've been using MB and the trust and intimacy has grown he's feeling safe enough to share with me before we get to the stewing/blowing point. It's really changed the dynamic of our relationship.

Last edited by HopefulNC; 04/20/11 11:07 PM.

Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 651
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 651
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972

Speaking of withdrawal, that is where we were for a long time with occasional bouts of conflict. At least we are in a state of conflict and hopefully heading back towards intimacy. She has shut me out again entirely and it feels bad. I'm very lonely and sad tonight.


Waaaa Waaa Waaaa.

Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand

Uh, you picked a fight there dippey-doo!

Her red = something going through your ears/eys like wind in a tunnel - she is stating that she cannot carry on the conversation comfortably and you keep forcing it.

Shut yer yap and LISTEN TO THE WOMAN.


Your red = disrespectful judgments. You are trying to educate her about her own feelings, or making assumptions about how long it should take her to "get over it."

Knock it off!


Listen to HHH.

Dude, you have treated the woman like DIRT. You are lucky she didn't do something worse than delay responding. She is trying to gather her emotions and instead of giving her some space you are demanding immediate forgiveness.

She said that she wanted to talk to you when you got home, so you decided to work late?!?

You called the mother of your children a slut, didn't respect her wishes, hounded her because she didn't respond to your texts in a time frame that you found acceptable, but you feel sad and lonely. Throwing in an occasional "I love you" in the middle of that garbage doesn't erase the negative, rude, hurtful things you said. Have you tried to consider how your wife feels?

Is the baby sleeping through the night yet? Has your wife been able to rest enough to recover from the major abdominal surgery that was needed to deliver your child safely? How does she feel about having to have a c-section this time after having two previous vaginal births? Do you even know?

Hilltopper, you are coming across as a self-centered, childish jerk.


Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
Kirby with all due respect you don't know what you're talking about. If you hate me I really don't care I'm not here for you I'm here for my marriage.


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
Huh? How did a "are ok ok?" turn into me picking a fight? She emailed me and I replied to her email respectfully. Whoever that other idiot was that assumed my expression of love was not true or real can take a hike. I didn't press a thing. Where did I force her to talk to me in any way?


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 571
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 571
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Kirby with all due respect you don't know what you're talking about. If you hate me I really don't care I'm not here for you I'm here for my marriage.


Sure doesn't sound like it dude.

I mean, if you really can't look at your text exchange and see how wrong it was, how disrespectful you are being, how unbelieva-frigging ENTITLED...

Wow. Just....WOW

You are lucky she will even let you into the house. IMHO.

Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
For the love of Pete when did I demand forgiveness either?


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
Kerala same for you, how about you just hate me from a distance? I'm here with my wife she doesn't even hate me as much as you. Best of luck to you.


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 429
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 429
What, we aren't allow to disagree with you? Disagreement does not equal hatred.

Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 336
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 336
Dude, you're shooting at the relief helicopters. These are folks who have been there/done that. The things that piss you off the most are usually the things you really need to pay attention to.

And FYI, I'm quoting what people were posting to ME when I first arrived on this website two years ago. They were right, and once I figured that out, things got better.

These folks are on your side -- you just haven't figured it out yet.


BH 52
FWW 50
S26 S24
EA 3/07-1/09
PA 5/07-10/08
NC finally established after eight false starts: 1/23/09
Final Version of Events 6/09
In a solid Recovery, and lucky beyond belief.
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972

Her:
I hope u hear this clearly I WILL communicate with you when u get home. Stop trying to fix things on the dot and put pressure on everything. U did something wrong, I'm getting over it and I will be ready when u get home. I would like I to have more patience.



HT, you should have just let it go with this text. Stop trying to force your W to react the way that you want her to react. Please read up on DJs and the friends and enemies of conversation.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Me:
I would appreciate you removing the 'tude. What do you mean? I sent you a text 4 hours ago asking if you were ok. What pressure are you referring to?


This. Removing the tude is really disrespectful. If my wife said something or texted me something like that, I would be very angry. She's still upset with you, slowly getting over it and you keep pushing this having to communicate about it right then.

Just stop. If she says she wants to talk about it right then, then drop it till you get home. You're hounding her. What if she wanted to talk about something and you absolutely did not right then. So she follows you from room to room saying "why won't you talk to me....talk to me!" You'd get really annoyed.


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Huh? How did a "are ok ok?" turn into me picking a fight? She emailed me and I replied to her email respectfully. Where did I force her to talk to me in any way?


there have been several posts on your threads about your wife not responding to your texts as quickly as you'd like and then you continue pressing the "why aren't you responding?!" When she says she'll talk to you at home and you keep sending her texts or emails, that is not respectful...that is hounding and irritating.

You're picking fights because of the continual getting mad because she's not answering you quick enough.


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Kerala same for you, how about you just hate me from a distance?


Get over yourself. No one hates you; we don't even know you. If we're responding to you it's because we're seeing something and trying to help you. But this 'hate me from a distance' stuff is childish, immature, and if you say stuff like this to your wife, is not attractive coming from a man to a woman.

If you don't like what someone has to say, then don't respond. We're taking our time to try and help your marriage. if you're going to whine, self-martyr yourself, and lash out at those helping you, then don't seek help.

If you get called a jerk, so what. If a bunch of people are seeing the same thing, stop being defensive and ask why. All you're going to do is get people to stop responding to you. I certainly would not want to post to someone that is having a "stop hating me" pitty party.

Seriously. Maybe asking why someone has a POV that they do would be better than getting snappy to people trying to help you.


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 6
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 6
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
A quick rundown. She ignored my text to her


Hilltopper, let's start right there.

If you would like to have a better marriage, then I think you have here a belief that strongly needs to change, and fast. Can you come to accept that your wife doesn't have to respond to everything you do? That she can make her own choice about that?

What I hear when you say she ignored you is what someone else heard: you feel ENTITLED to an answer. You feel like she SHOULD answer you.

And that is how marital abuse occurs: this path starts with demands (answer me) and disrespectful judgments (you are ignoring me) and eventually goes down to angry outbursts. Don't go there. Start with accepting that your wife can make up her own mind on whether or not she should answer you, and that her opinion on that subject is VALID and must be RESPECTED by you, even if your opinion is different.

So you felt like she should answer. She felt different. Does your opinion outrank hers?

A caring husband accepts his wife's right to decline his requests, because he cares about her feelings and recognizes that if she had done what he wanted, then he would have gained at her expense. When you make a request (send a text as an invitation to talk), if your wife doesn't feel like granting your request (respond to the text), think about what conditions might cause her to feel enthusiastic about granting your request. If you can't think of any right away, withdraw your request for now.

Guess who told me that? His name is Willard Harley. smile


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
Gotta disagree, markos, based on what Steve Harley told us. Your spouse calls, you answer, even if it is just to say that now is not a good time. Ignoring your spouse because you are either too busy for them or just don't feel like dealing with them at the moment is murder on a marriage.

I do think Hill was being a jerk in those texts. He should have answered her first onewith a hearty, "great! Looking forward to this evening."

Hill, when you get what you're after, stop!


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
Markos, I think you're confusing 'declining' with 'ignoring'. Declining a request is perfectly MB, and a spouse should not be berated for that. Ignoring is a whole other passive-aggressive way to escalate a problem.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Originally Posted By: CWMI
Markos, I think you're confusing 'declining' with 'ignoring'. Declining a request is perfectly MB, and a spouse should not be berated for that. Ignoring is a whole other passive-aggressive way to escalate a problem.

Assuming that she is ignoring is a DJ, and a severe problem.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Page 15 of 88 1 2 13 14 15 16 17 87 88

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (Blackhawk), 19 guests, and 69 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
bb1471, OTDL2001, DexterWalsh, Roja jayakumar, MarriageIsWork
71,659 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,523
Posts2,322,497
Members71,659
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5