Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 39 of 50 1 2 37 38 39 40 41 49 50
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 717
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 717
NW-
How has your father affected your marriage?
What man was in your life to raise you? (stepfather(s) ?)

I am sentimental about the diamond and ring I bought my wife. I am sad I have not seen it for a couple years. Its tucked away hiding somewhere. But I would love to see her wear that ring again. That being said, I believe we have talked bout taking that diamond and moving that specific stone into a new setting.

Take the commitment NW! Follow a POJA plan. And work on the foundation. Assume your are both ALL IN and follow a plan. The ring is a great sign of commitment.


Me: 43
ExWW: 44
Married 16yrs. 4 children

EA (ExWW): May-Nov 2009 + Aug-Dec 2010
D-DAY JAN 30, 2011
Exposure: FEB 7, 2011
Contact Again: Apr 25, 2011
Divorce Final Sept 2012

"I want to be married and stay married. Now I uunderstand the kind of marriage I want and we all deserve. But I also know it takes two to want to Build that Marriage."
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
My father's parents married during WWII and divorced shortly after. He was raised by his grandparents for a while, and then moved to the town where my mother grew up. They were married for ten years when he gave the "familiar" speech that we've all heard (and moved out to live with girlfriend) during Christmas of 1976. I was born the next April, so you can see how *that* went over with my mother being pregnant. Her dad wanted to actually kill him.

Mom divorced him in August 77 and he moved a few hours north. His mother/step-father were so irate and humiliated (this was a small town) at his behavior that he cut off contact with them and started drinking. My mother and his mother remained good friends until his mother died in 2004. She split her estate between me and my dad, though she had probably only seen him ten times since 1977. He hated her disapproval over how he lived, so he didn't talk to her. Simple as that. So her death was the reason that my dad called me--drunk at 3 a.m.--to see how he could get his money. Nice. Real nice introduction, there, pops.

I met him in person twice that I remember-- 1982 and maybe 1984 or so. Once we got involved in the estate, we talked on the phone a good bit and I actually talked to him once when he was sober. It was nice but strange.

He had one daughter by another marriage, she's around 20-something and I met her a few years ago. She said I got out lucky. I talked to him last around the first of April 2005. He was kind of down, but he said it was nice that I called him because no one else ever did. He probably wasn't lying there.

He also said that it was a shame we hadn't met in person (I was in Georgia, he in MS). He said, "You know, it's good that we finally talked and everything. This all was a good idea, just too bad it came so late in everything." He must have sensed that he wasn't long for the world, his daughter found him him dead in his apartment and they couldn't really say when he died--probably about a week after I talked to him. He was 61.

So, I never knew the guy but I actually miss talking to him and the could-have-beens. He, in turn, never knew his dad because of similar behavior and my grandfather never knew his father because the father had died young. Ditto that father and his father so I'm the fifth generation that didn't know his dad. I told my wife that trend stopped here with me and my son. No more of that...it didn't work so well!

The diamond in the ring was bought by my grandmother for my dad when he proposed. My mother gave it to me, saying hopefully I'd have better luck than she did. It was a nice stone (0.80 c.), but I kind of agreed that it was time for a new start on this.

My mother did have a steady boyfriend for, I don't know, 20-something years. They married in 2000 so he was my male-parental influence though he never lived with us when I was growing up. A good guy, she did better the second time around.

But it is noticeable that I had little to model a marriage after, being raised by a single-parent and all. She did the best she could, though, and I intend to correct that with my children.





Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
My first Son was born two months after you NW, lol.

I Understand what you mean though, that what had happened to you, was not going to be passed down like some kind of desease.

I had to also put myself under that microscope and accept that I was only human, but that was no excuse. It can be a lonely place sometimes.

When it came to my children, there were challanges also. Personnaly, because my experience with a Father who was so critical of himself and others, and never happy, or took time out with his children. Well I vowed to treat my children according to thier age and capacity. My Dad had grown up so fast he never had a childhood. My life was a lot like that but not as extreme, and I wanted my children to develop with a balance. It was a progresstion towards balance.

Then of course thier was my wife, who was raised by extreame alcoholics, She was running away from that, and did what she could to end that,"Generational curse".

I am proud to say that my children are doing better than either of us were at thier ages, and it was a step up for them. Yes thier were disapointments in thier lives, and some scars remain from the past, but it is a work in progress, and I pray they will have what it takes to have even better lives and provide even more for thier children. The youngest is 20, and except for when they are in trouble, I really do not have much influence on them anymore. They have handled a lot for thier age, and can still be trusted to think for themselves, and avoid excuses while being accountable

The way you are conducting yourself NW will continue to be an inspiration to your children. Keep up the good work and fight the good fight for thier freedom, its well worth it.

God bless you

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
Thanks, CP. I think if we can just avoid completely screwing up our kids, or ending up on the Jerry Springer show, then we're doing pretty good!

Originally Posted By: ConstantProcess

The youngest is 20, and except for when they are in trouble

Crud, you mean they still get in trouble at 20?! smile I was hoping they'd quit fighting with each other by, say, next week or so! Coming home in the car from the in-law's yesterday, all we heard was our oldest yelling "MOMMMMMYYYYY!!!! She's looking at meeeeeeeee!!!!!!" and our youngest actually laughing at him for saying that. Kind of funny, actually.

I appreciate the encouragement, means a lot.


Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
Originally Posted By: Northwood8900
.. Crud, you mean they still get in trouble at 20?! smile I was hoping they'd quit fighting with each other by, say, next week or so! Coming home in the car from the in-law's yesterday, all we heard was our oldest yelling "MOMMMMMYYYYY!!!! She's looking at meeeeeeeee!!!!!!" and our youngest actually laughing at him for saying that. Kind of funny, actually.

I appreciate the encouragement, means a lot.


Lol, well the kids never did learn to fight fair, and they still argue. The boy have strong opinions about each other, and get along barely, but they are appreciating each other as they get older. I gotta remember Mom fell apart and was more of a child than they were when they were still young and at an age when learning how to agree to disagree and that opposing opinions were allways present.

So I am still teaching them, that taking care of yourself is more important than picking apart others, or gathering accomplices to support a negative decision.

I often tell them I am sorry that they never learned how to get along, and respect each others opinions, without it becoming emotional. But they are dedicated to each other, and would help each other, and have good things to say about each other whaen they are not around each other.

We spend holidays together but we still have not evoled the armor where insults might be bounced off, and the source be considered, and where they would walk away from foolish emotionalism. Maybe thats the way it is in close family siblings. Me and my Sis loved each other, and I stood up for her and worried about her, but we were never as close.

But my kids, with everyone else, and how they conduct themselves, have friends and are well respected. I miss that close family thing I had when they were little but they have grown into adults who take charge of thier own lifes, and I don't let them make excuses for themselves either. Lol They don't let me either, so as a Dad, I guess thats OK.

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
Well, a marginal Tuesday night.

Monday night was SF, so that was good and we were doing fine. Tuesday was a bit off for both of us (me and work, her with the kids) so she was quiet Tuesday evening.

It triggered me because when she was quiet, she was cheating on me (in so many words). Know the feeling that you get in your gut?

No indication of broken NC, and she said it was just a rough day with the kids and I believe that...but I still get that nagging feeling. Then we watched some stupid show on TV where the main characters were splitting up and it was all downhill from there.

She asked what was wrong and I told her:

1. I wanted SF because I had a flat-out lousy day and, shoot, it'd just be nice.
2. Because of all the crap, I didn't think that'd ever be something that I could ever initiate. She said that shouldn't be a problem forever and hoped that I could get past that.
3. I told her that I hated myself for telling her this stuff because we've had this conversation a million times before and, before, she was cheating on me while we had the conversation. It makes me come across as weak, IMO. She disagrees, said she wants to hear what I'm thinking.
4. She swears she's there for me, but dammit it seems like I'm always repeating myself and she's just clueless. Uh, yeah, I actually told her that. So she asked "What am I supposed to do when you're down like this, have SF?" "Uh, yeah" I said, but added that I knew it wasn't as simple as that for her.

She said it seems like we have a few good days and then bad days. Yes, we do, I said, but you were cheating on me up until some 11 days ago so do you blame me for wondering what the h is going on sometimes? No, she said, and said she was sorry but half the time just didn't know what to say that wouldn't tick me off.

UGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Somehow we got onto counseling and how it seemed to help and I said, "Well, you said the same thing a month ago but you were lying to the counselor since you were still cheating on me!" Seriously, two months ago we actually talked about how she had never told the first counselor the truth and how she wondered why she never got anything out of that. And this talk about lying to the first counselor was while she was lying to the second counselor about not having any contact with POSOM!! It took me longer to tell her that, but that's another shell I lobbed over at her.

It just boils down to me still being ticked about the affair, wanting her to be doing a hell of a lot more (but we're talking SF here so that's a tricky subject) all the freaking while she is standing by her guns for this marriage. I feel like she OWES me, but know, deep down, that we both owe each other for a lot of stuff. I know this makes me sound self-centered, but it's just where I get sometimes, you know? But I know that I don't want to be like that--it's just the taker keeps coming out.

It's like I'm some wayward now--why won't she get mad when I'm mad at her??? Why does she just stand there and take this?!

This concludes another rambling post by me. smile


Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
North, hold onto your N.U.T.s!

In the sample list, there was a suggested term that I pondered over a bit;

"I say what I want."

Read one way, it means "I will say whatever I want to."

Not so, what it is, is "I will verbally express my needs."

It takes strength to be honest, it takes strength to be open - even more so when we are hurting.

There is a huge difference between weakness and O&H - and most of us guys fail the O so often because we come to this view of saying how we feel, saying what we want, as being weak.

Strength, North. Not stoicism.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 373
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 373
As a FWW, I can only say, you sound like you are on the right track. The reasons for the way you feel are totally valid and she seems to get that. There is really no easy fix. She can't prove to you this time is different except by living it each and every day...and you can't believe it yet...that is okay...it really will just take time. Share your true feelings...just don't be mean. It will hurt but it is an honest sadness and you can heal each other.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,215
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,215
Owes? I feel the same way, but that will get you nowhere fast.


FBH,Dad
No half measures, in anything.
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,137
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,137
I don't know if jumping right into SF is such a great idea...

If I get the chance to reconcile... SF will be a major need of mine, but not the main thrust (pardon the pun).

I realize now what was missing from me to get the SF I wanted so badly.

I wasn't willing to give her the attention she desired. They say you can literally talk a woman's panties off... And I know that's the approach I'll be taken if I'm ever given that chance again.

So, NW, don't expect her to jump your bones just because you're in the mood and you somehow think she should drop the dish towel (no bashing me there!) and hop in the sack with you.

Soak up as much UA time as you can... Talk to her. Let her know you're having trouble forgiving her, but those are the words she needs to hear... forgiveness.

Add that to your set of boundaries, and I think you'll be just fine... You are getting that chance I am SO longing for...

Don't screw the pooch!


Me: BH (47)
Her: WW (46)
DD9
DD12
DD20
D-Day 2-3-2011
Exposure 2-23-2011
Plan B letter given 7-12-2011
Divorce Complete 11/2012
Re-Married June 28, 2014
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
I think that most guys don't even know what they actually want when it comes to SF.

I was pretty high-drive when I wasn't satisfied. The problem, however, wasn't my drive. It was my level of satisfaction. Frequency does not equal fulfillment, and fulfillment in turn decreases frequency.

A good, hearty meal will satisfy your hunger longer than a burger and fries.

Well, we keep searching for satisfaction in happy meals because we aren't seeing the critical parts of the meal we are missing.

Quote:
In [book about infidelity], licensed family counselor [Author] studied hundreds of men who had cheated on their wives to find out the motivation behind the act. His results were quite interesting. When asked what led to their unfaithfulness, their answers broke down as follows:

* 48% primarily emotional dissatisfaction
* 32% equal emotional and sexual dissatisfaction
* 8% primarily sexual dissatisfaction

Whats remarkable about these findings is the huge number of men that cheated due to emotional rather than sexual dissatisfaction. Emotional dissatisfaction? Really? You wouldnt guess that from listening in on conversations among men. Imagine telling your bros at halftime of the football game that your wife isnt tending to your emotions well enough. That might be the last time youre invited to the game day festivities. Many men have been taught not to dwell too much on their feelings and not to talk about them with others. They dont realize that theres a problem in this area until looking back in retrospect to what went wrong.


Now, this was talking about men who had cheated. However, as we learn here, the condition of many marriages that face infidelity are bad on both ends. Dr. Harley has stated that he wouldn't be surprised for both spouses to be having affairs, and that the only thing keeping one spouse faithful is lack of opportunity.

Look at that split. Only 8% of interviewed WH's cited sexual dissatisfaction as their motivator. 8%!

What is the SF we need? The SF we need is for our wives to be emotionally present.

How do we get them there?

Welcome to MB, folks.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
Originally Posted By: sunnydaze53
As a FWW, I can only say, you sound like you are on the right track. The reasons for the way you feel are totally valid and she seems to get that. There is really no easy fix. She can't prove to you this time is different except by living it each and every day...and you can't believe it yet...that is okay...it really will just take time. Share your true feelings...just don't be mean. It will hurt but it is an honest sadness and you can heal each other.


SD- thanks for the perspective. You seem to describe what I'm hearing fairly well.


Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: Northwood8900
Well, a marginal Tuesday night.

Monday night was SF, so that was good and we were doing fine. Tuesday was a bit off for both of us (me and work, her with the kids) so she was quiet Tuesday evening.

It triggered me because when she was quiet, she was cheating on me (in so many words). Know the feeling that you get in your gut?

No indication of broken NC, and she said it was just a rough day with the kids and I believe that...but I still get that nagging feeling. Then we watched some stupid show on TV where the main characters were splitting up and it was all downhill from there.

She asked what was wrong and I told her:

1. I wanted SF because I had a flat-out lousy day and, shoot, it'd just be nice.
2. Because of all the crap, I didn't think that'd ever be something that I could ever initiate. She said that shouldn't be a problem forever and hoped that I could get past that.
3. I told her that I hated myself for telling her this stuff because we've had this conversation a million times before and, before, she was cheating on me while we had the conversation. It makes me come across as weak, IMO. She disagrees, said she wants to hear what I'm thinking.
4. She swears she's there for me, but dammit it seems like I'm always repeating myself and she's just clueless. Uh, yeah, I actually told her that. So she asked "What am I supposed to do when you're down like this, have SF?" "Uh, yeah" I said, but added that I knew it wasn't as simple as that for her.

She said it seems like we have a few good days and then bad days. Yes, we do, I said, but you were cheating on me up until some 11 days ago so do you blame me for wondering what the h is going on sometimes? No, she said, and said she was sorry but half the time just didn't know what to say that wouldn't tick me off.

UGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Somehow we got onto counseling and how it seemed to help and I said, "Well, you said the same thing a month ago but you were lying to the counselor since you were still cheating on me!" Seriously, two months ago we actually talked about how she had never told the first counselor the truth and how she wondered why she never got anything out of that. And this talk about lying to the first counselor was while she was lying to the second counselor about not having any contact with POSOM!! It took me longer to tell her that, but that's another shell I lobbed over at her.

It just boils down to me still being ticked about the affair, wanting her to be doing a hell of a lot more (but we're talking SF here so that's a tricky subject) all the freaking while she is standing by her guns for this marriage. I feel like she OWES me, but know, deep down, that we both owe each other for a lot of stuff. I know this makes me sound self-centered, but it's just where I get sometimes, you know? But I know that I don't want to be like that--it's just the taker keeps coming out.

It's like I'm some wayward now--why won't she get mad when I'm mad at her??? Why does she just stand there and take this?!

This concludes another rambling post by me. smile





North, allow me to... smack you upside the head a bit.

That was quite the AO/DJ/SD storm there, buddy. And you have to clamp it down, OK?

Second, I want you to reflect on your final statements there;

Why won't she get angry when you are angry? Why did she stand there and weather your fury?

I'm not going to answer that for you, North. You are a smart guy.

THINK ABOUT IT.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand
I think that most guys don't even know what they actually want when it comes to SF.

I was pretty high-drive when I wasn't satisfied. The problem, however, wasn't my drive. It was my level of satisfaction. Frequency does not equal fulfillment, and fulfillment in turn decreases frequency.

A good, hearty meal will satisfy your hunger longer than a burger and fries.

Well, we keep searching for satisfaction in happy meals because we aren't seeing the critical parts of the meal we are missing.

Quote:
In [book about infidelity], licensed family counselor [Author] studied hundreds of men who had cheated on their wives to find out the motivation behind the act. His results were quite interesting. When asked what led to their unfaithfulness, their answers broke down as follows:

* 48% primarily emotional dissatisfaction
* 32% equal emotional and sexual dissatisfaction
* 8% primarily sexual dissatisfaction

Whats remarkable about these findings is the huge number of men that cheated due to emotional rather than sexual dissatisfaction. Emotional dissatisfaction? Really? You wouldnt guess that from listening in on conversations among men. Imagine telling your bros at halftime of the football game that your wife isnt tending to your emotions well enough. That might be the last time youre invited to the game day festivities. Many men have been taught not to dwell too much on their feelings and not to talk about them with others. They dont realize that theres a problem in this area until looking back in retrospect to what went wrong.


Now, this was talking about men who had cheated. However, as we learn here, the condition of many marriages that face infidelity are bad on both ends. Dr. Harley has stated that he wouldn't be surprised for both spouses to be having affairs, and that the only thing keeping one spouse faithful is lack of opportunity.

Look at that split. Only 8% of interviewed WH's cited sexual dissatisfaction as their motivator. 8%!

What is the SF we need? The SF we need is for our wives to be emotionally present.

How do we get them there?

Welcome to MB, folks.


Yep, that pretty much sums it up smile


Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand



North, allow me to... smack you upside the head a bit.

That was quite the AO/DJ/SD storm there, buddy. And you have to clamp it down, OK?

Second, I want you to reflect on your final statements there;

Why won't she get angry when you are angry? Why did she stand there and weather your fury?

I'm not going to answer that for you, North. You are a smart guy.

THINK ABOUT IT.


Yeah, I pretty much broke all the rules with that conversation. Not my proudest moment but, at the time, I couldn't care less.

As for your last question, I'd imagine the answer is because she wants to be here and is serious this time around.

Kind of weird feeling. She did ask, during the middle of this, why I couldn't just accept being happy. My response (for better or worse) was that I was just used to things being wrong with us. She said she didn't blame me, but knew that I'd eventually not think that as my first reaction when talking to her.

Oh well. As an aside, they're predicting tornadoes again for the area. Great.


Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: Northwood8900
Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand



North, allow me to... smack you upside the head a bit.

That was quite the AO/DJ/SD storm there, buddy. And you have to clamp it down, OK?

Second, I want you to reflect on your final statements there;

Why won't she get angry when you are angry? Why did she stand there and weather your fury?

I'm not going to answer that for you, North. You are a smart guy.

THINK ABOUT IT.


Yeah, I pretty much broke all the rules with that conversation. Not my proudest moment but, at the time, I couldn't care less.

As for your last question, I'd imagine the answer is because she wants to be here and is serious this time around.

Kind of weird feeling. She did ask, during the middle of this, why I couldn't just accept being happy. My response (for better or worse) was that I was just used to things being wrong with us. She said she didn't blame me, but knew that I'd eventually not think that as my first reaction when talking to her.

Oh well. As an aside, they're predicting tornadoes again for the area. Great.


I get it. I do.

Remember that trip I took a few weeks back? I had a meltdown during the trip.

D-bags are a real trigger for me, and when we were in the hotel pub playing pool? Giant D-bag at the bar.

Damn kids!

It's going to happen, North. You are going to have meltdowns.

Just do your best to keep them as few and far between as you can possibly shoulder, OK?

She has now decided to face the fallout of her decisions.

How does that make you feel?


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand

I get it. I do.

Remember that trip I took a few weeks back? I had a meltdown during the trip.

D-bags are a real trigger for me, and when we were in the hotel pub playing pool? Giant D-bag at the bar.

Damn kids!

It's going to happen, North. You are going to have meltdowns.

Just do your best to keep them as few and far between as you can possibly shoulder, OK?

She has now decided to face the fallout of her decisions.

How does that make you feel?


Triggers are a funny thing, that's for sure.

W said reality shows were about the only safe thing to watch, she almost turned off the tv when she saw what the show (Nip/Tuck) was about.

How does it make me feel that she's putting up with this? Kind of strange, actually. I'm not sure what to do with it sometimes. It makes no sense.


Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: Northwood8900
Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand

I get it. I do.

Remember that trip I took a few weeks back? I had a meltdown during the trip.

D-bags are a real trigger for me, and when we were in the hotel pub playing pool? Giant D-bag at the bar.

Damn kids!

It's going to happen, North. You are going to have meltdowns.

Just do your best to keep them as few and far between as you can possibly shoulder, OK?

She has now decided to face the fallout of her decisions.

How does that make you feel?


Triggers are a funny thing, that's for sure.

W said reality shows were about the only safe thing to watch, she almost turned off the tv when she saw what the show (Nip/Tuck) was about.

How does it make me feel that she's putting up with this? Kind of strange, actually. I'm not sure what to do with it sometimes. It makes no sense.



Would it make sense if I said that while she doesn't like the fact that you are hurting (because she caused it), she wants to SEE that you hurt?

I can't remember where it is, but someone has stated; "The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference."

That delayed grief we go through is frightening - and when we allow it to show through that we are actually human, that we hurt, then they can empathize.

She want's to empathize for the destruction she caused, North.

That's HUGE.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
I'm guessing this all sounds familiar to you? Seems I remember you writing about something similar a while back.

I think she does see what she did and just doesn't know WTF to do with it. It's like she's scared to try to fix things, but then sometimes it seems like she's indifferent but then isn't. I think I read too much into her, honestly, and blow a lot out of proportion by assuming things that she isn't even thinking. (DJ)

Took off half the day today, it's been nice and we've enjoyed each others company. Getting back on track again, I guess. Maybe I'll stay on longer this time around.


Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
HHH,

Your post on another thread about "Catastrophizing" seemed appropriate. It kind of helped. Maybe I should thank the No Gurlz Club instead (or however you spell it) smile


Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

Page 39 of 50 1 2 37 38 39 40 41 49 50

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 34 guests, and 50 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg, Endlessvow
71,682 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5