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maritalbliss #2506461 05/07/11 01:17 PM
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It doesn't take a bed to suck face or do other physical sins.

My WH lived with his OW and acted like they were "Just Friends" Then I found the hot tub picutes, still just friends, then I found the phone records, the middle of the night text messages, the gifts, still "Just Friends".

Do I have actual evidence of the act, "NO!!", but I have been on this sight long enough to know it was an affair. It destroyed our entire lives. My kids and I only have our souls left to start over. We lost everything from my $100k career, *****clearance, our friends, our security, our safety, our way of life. He is losing even more, his money, his military career, and his soul. All because he thinks POSOW will love him unconditionally!!! It is the saddest reality on the planet.

I found all the evidence three months after he left me and my four kids while deployed overseas. He gave me the "I love you because you are the mother of my children crap...."

I not only filed adultery charges against them in the military, I exposed the thing to all their Unit *******My WH has one friend and my MIL that support this affair. The rest of the folks are looking at the two of them in disgust. My WH is super pissed - still wants divorce today, still thinks I am out for vengance, still thinks I am evil, still thinks I am awful.

Their fantasy will come crashing down in July once they return to the States from their deployment. I am waiting for him patiently in Plan B. He may or may not ever see the light. I may have lost him forever, but I am willing to wait and see. I have my timeline, and I am fully prepared to live my life without him. I would still do whatever it takes to save my marriage today because of my four beautiful babies, and my LB has not been fully depleted. I am getting his most important EN ready (my physical appearance) so when he seems me in July I will be the wife of his youth.

That is all you can do is change yourself and attempt to kill this affair at all costs.

EXPOSE!!! EXPOSE!!! EXPOSE!!! IF YOU WANT ANY CHANCE TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.

Your Wayward is high at the moment. Their brain chemicals are altered, and they are only thinking of themselves. Don't let what happened to me happen to you. It is awful to be in this situation nine months later. If they don't end this affair, your entire world will be unrecognizable, and your future will forever head down an alternative path.

Do all you can to kill this affair to possibly give your family a chance. If not, then go into Plan B and work on your alternative life plan. Life as you know it today, will no longer ever be...

The only way to knock some sense into them without using your fists is to shame them, guilt them, humiliate them all while smothering her with love. Once the fog lifts, the withdraw begins, and their true raw emotions can feel the pain.

Nothing will ever be recovered as long as there is contact. KILL THIS AWFUL AWFUL AFFAIR!!!!

Last edited by JustUss; 05/08/11 10:41 AM. Reason: TMI
My4Loves #2506463 05/07/11 01:48 PM
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Written by a FWS re exposure:
Originally Posted By: HerPapaBear

You can't push someone away that is already gone.

I was furious when my wife exposed my A. The A continued even after exposure.... And I even tried to spin the exposure to make it look like my wife was just being vengeful. (that spin backfired... most of the people really weren't as stupid as I thought)

The exposure had a huge impact on the A. Not IMMEDIATE, but it was HUGE!

Never be afraid of the truth. He is counting on your own embarassment about his A to keep you in line.

Your H is gone right now!

He's been replaced with an identical look alike. This look alike has no common sense, no rational thought, and cares about no one except himself. This look alike is in effect... BRAIN DEAD!

Exposure is like an IV line that will help send vital nutrients back in to his system. His system needs some reality because he is OD'ing on fantasy. His system needs some reality because he is under the impression that his actions only affect him.

Exposure, carried out swiftly and correctly, will also allow you to regain the dignity that his choices have been trying to steal from you.

The idea that exposure will push a spouse away IMO is a lie that that is peddled by those that have allowed that dignity to stripped away.

Hang in there and remember, YOU have the high ground.

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Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
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How to Plan B Correctly
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SusieQ #2506469 05/07/11 02:10 PM
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My wife had an affair with an old boyfriend last year. I fought back and exposed after some of Melody's "gentle" prodding.

OMW or GF will be your greatest weapon. The affair in my case self destructed immediately when I reached her. You think your wife will be mad? HA compare that to what OMW will do to him.

Want your family back? Get in the car, do not sleep do not eat do not stop until you find this woman. I don't care if you have to drive across the country to do it. Find her today.


FBH,Dad
No half measures, in anything.
Reynolds531 #2506470 05/07/11 02:13 PM
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BTW I also owe credit to Marital, Wondering, Xau, and a whole bunch of others...not to leave anyone out.


FBH,Dad
No half measures, in anything.
Sad_Dad1972 #2506475 05/07/11 02:42 PM
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Originally Posted By: Sad_Dad1972
It's a two hour drive to his house and I still don't know if they are still married. How would I find this out? Call and ask?

I am serious, I'm just afraid of losing her by pissing her off more atm and she's already telling me that's one of the reasons she's drawn to him because he doesn't appear to be hurt her by doing all I've done. I'm trying to enjoy and make the most of each and every day with her.


See, your goal is to avoid pissing her off and ours is to save your marriage. Completely different goals. Your marriage can survive her anger, it can't survive an ongoing affair. You are losing your marriage a little more each and every day by twiddling your thumbs. The Titanic is sinking and you are saying you don't want to rock the boat.

Your complacence reflects a lack of caring. You are going to lose your marriage, Sir. Your marriage is being destroyed by an affair and you are twidding your thumbs. You should be getting in your car and driving to his house to see if he is married. You should be sitting your kids down and telling the truth. You should be exposing to anyone and everyone in your circle and the OM's circle.

We don't care if your wife gets mad. If she doesn't get mad, then you aren't doing your job. Be assure if you won't man up and fight for your marriage that you are going to lose your marriage.

Quote:
I love and will miss her dearly if I lose her.


Then how about doing something to show that? Do you know that we have saved our marriages? You are arguing with people who have saved their marriages using these tactics.

Like I said earlier, I don't believe you are serious about wanting to save your marriage. I believe your goal is to avoid conflict at all cost. That is a losing proposition.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Sad_Dad1972 #2506478 05/07/11 02:47 PM
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Originally Posted By: Sad_Dad1972
Expose the affair to our kids? Wouldn't that damage their view of her forever? They are 6, 11, and 14.


Her AFFAIR and your lies about the source of tension in their home is what will damage them. You are teaching them dishonesty by whitewashing your wife's crimes. Your wife is wrecking their family and they have a RIGHT to know. Don't cover up for your wife. That HARMS your family.

What kind of lies are being told to your children about this? Can you imagine the confusion they feel? Lying to kids is about like rearranging the furniture in the home of a blind person. You are screwing with their reality and it is harmful.

Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, on telling the children:

Quote:
The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.

An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.
here

Quote:
Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.

When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.



Quote:
The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.
here

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2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)

Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).
here

Quote:
My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.

The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.

The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).

Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.

It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.





"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2506479 05/07/11 02:49 PM
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Dr. Laura show [4:25 min into segment - 5-15-08]

Caller: Husband had an affair with good friend for 2 years. Her H ws one of his "buddies."

Dr. Laura: Do you have minor children?

Caller: Yes, we both do

Dr. Laura: They are willing to hurt your kids? Why are they willing to break up the families?

caller: Basically, they said they are not "happy."

Dr L: So that is the explanation for being willing to hurt their kids? They are doing this to be "happy?"

What can I do to possibly help you?

Caller: I need to know what to tell my kids.

Dr. Laura: THE TRUTH. They are breaking up 2 families because they have decided.....

See, I am not of the school where you stand by and do pretend with kids where this is all ok. Because this is NOT OK.

The most important story is that this is NOT OK. sit down with your husband and tell him you are going to explain to our children, in a factual, non hysterical way I am going to explain to the kids the horrible thing you are doing to destroy their family. That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and I am going to make this clear to them because I want them to grow up understanding this is WRONG.

That is my advice. And i think everybody should be clear this is selfish behavior that is WRONG, vows were made.

Not being "happy" is something you work to turnaround, not something you destroy a family over. If both of these people were to hear this was going to happen they will have second thoughts.

DO not think for a moment you are doing wrong by telling your children this. It is your moral obligation to teach them right from wrong. EVEN when it demonstrates a parent has done wrong. The parent cannot be whitewashed and get away with that - THAT IS WRONG and that does not teach the children

I really hope alot of people hear this. Alot of ppl want to whitewash what they are doing. Kids should know that is your attitude.

But to tell the custodial parent: hey don't make me look bad for my own selfish gain is ABSURD! and is EVIL! We are going to make wrong seem ok. Kids will lose any sense of right and wrong. Kids will be taught that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." Kids lose any sense of right or wrong. "well, it makes me happy to use drugs" when I am 12 It makes me "happy" to get on my knees and give 4 6th graders oral sex. That is what they teach their kids.

This is what happens when you whitewash wrongdoing to make no body feel bad which is why I get called MEAN. I get called mean because I say the truth. "Its MEAN to say something is right or wrong; its mean to make somebody feel bad!" Its MEAN to say the truth. People get shut down when they get called "judgmental" when they say the truth. The intent is to shut you down. Well, I don't shut up. Kids don't learn important truths when they allow others to shut them down. We don't help our children when we don't say the truth and support them in saying what is right and wrong.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2506495 05/07/11 04:06 PM
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Hey Sad Dad 1972-
I am a very new poster here. I discovered my husband's ER 5 DAYS IN. If I had exposed that VERY DAY, I may not be in the giant nightmare mess that I am in now. (Four months later, full blown SR + In love) She is telling you she loves him. You have a MAJOR problem. Everyone must know. NOW.

DON'T WAIT.

YOU WILL MAKE HER MAD. DO IT ANYWAY. Don't make the same mistake I did.
Also...Tell your children. You DO NOT want to lie to them. They must have one parent to use good judgement that they can trust. Looking at their ages they MUST KNOW that something is really wrong. They will think it has to do with them. You don't want that.
Good Luck.


BW - 38
WH - 35
DD - 5, DS - 2, DD - 1
DDay#1-12/12/2010
MANY FR
NC - 5/4/2011
Sad_Dad1972 #2506508 05/07/11 06:16 PM
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Originally Posted By: Sad_Dad1972
Expose the affair to our kids? Wouldn't that damage their view of her forever? They are 6, 11, and 14.
No, it's her actions that will damage their view of her. That's on her for slutting around, not on you for exposing her in an effort to end that awful behavior.

Dude, why are you bending over so far backward to avoid placing responsibility on her? How naive can you BE, realizing that they've met at hotels twice (that YOU know about) and you still won't accept this is a full-blown affair?


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
Sad_Dad1972 #2506580 05/08/11 08:35 AM
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Quote:
Expose the affair to our kids? Wouldn't that damage their view of her forever? They are 6, 11, and 14.
Sad Dad, exposing the affair to your kids may well be the grease you need to derail this thing. It's one thing for an adult to be unfaithful to their spouse. It's another thing when they are forced to look into the eyes of their children and see the hurt there.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

maritalbliss #2506604 05/08/11 11:26 AM
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Sad,

I told you last week what was going on and you refused to hear me out.

Your kids need to be told the truth and you need to quit ENABLING this affair, for that is what you are doing.

Listen, women want men who are strong in heart, strong in love, and strong in convictions. You're being weak.

Women don't want the characteristic of "weak" in their men. Maybe it's a primal thing, but it is what it is. Personally, if I found my spouse in the hotel room with the op/ho, she'd have had a taste of "handburger" or else she would have been scared so badly to get the hell out of dodge, that she'd never ever want to do that again.

Why you aren't going to expose the affair to the omw is beyond me. Listen. I told you that if he were a single guy, he would have already brought her to his rutting lair a long time ago. The sheer fact is they meet at a hotel tells that both are married.

You can beat this and save your family but you gotta quit doing this.


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Quote:
A friend and I use her car and stakeout my wife until she leaves work and she immediately leaves town to meet him at another hotel. I'm frantic, hurting and talking to my mother and my aunt trying to determine what to do. After about 30-45 minutes, we decide to confront them so my friend (female who just lost her husband to another woman) convinces the manager to open the door if they don't come out. They do and they are both completely dressed and the bed hasn't been touched.


SAD,

Big time gaslighting - dont believe for one minute this hasnt gone further. You were handed more proof than most BH get of an ongoing affair. Not to mention meeting the OM face to face - good grief - I could not have help myself from bitch slapping that POSOm across the parkinglot.

You need to take this down to the personal level. This POS is intruding into your marriage and most importantly your kids future properity and mential health.be a man - be a husband and father - and do everything under your power to bust this non-sense. Kill this affair and once that is done - fix the marriage.. Start exposing now ot OMW, family coworkers - get information on this OM - get a background check.

Report back on any findings so the gang here can help sort thru the crap and guide thru the next steps. First thing is to expose.

BTW - kids need to know what issues aer effecting them. They already know there is an issue but they need to know who this POSOM is whenever the WW introduces her new man to her kids. Trust me that is next on the WW agenda.

You have been handed a lot of good advice from folks who have been there.

When you have time - listen to the radio archives - very good information - I have listened to 80% and slowing working my way - read the articles - its a valuable free resource that is rare. Its a gift.


Me:52
W: 52
Married: 32 yrs
2 Sons (29 & 23)
1 Dtr (20)
1 GDtr (2.5) precious little girl
rwinger #2512362 05/24/11 01:51 PM
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OK...what a difference the last few weeks have made for me.

First, I'm sorry to have doubted the vets on here for their wise comments. I've been in a fog too I believe.

Update.
Following my posting on 5/7/2011, we have been busy with recreational activities, but we have a lot of work still to be done and I'm not sure where to go from here.

On 5/7/2011, we attended a local MLB game together as that has always been one of our recreational activities. We are big fans. I thought it would be a good Mother's day surprise for her. It was and we had a good time together. Then on Mother's day, I had made arrangements to have her parents come to our house to lunch, that I prepared which would allow my WW to spend time with her mother. Everything went well there also. I took off the next day, Monday, so I could take her to a dentist appointment and then we could spend the day together.

On Tue, the 12th she came home 3 hours late from work, explaining she had again broke things off with him to work on us once more. She was upset, we got into an arguement and then she left, returning home a couple hours later in a decent mood. She explained she was with her female co-worker and had just neto her. I did verify this in person as they were sitting at the restuarant they usually frequent.

Somewhere around the 18th this co-worker and my WW began large amounts of cell phone calls and text messages to which I later learned her co-worker was relaying information between the OM and my WW.

So, I'm stuck here once more. I'm asking for help as I've been snooping and heard converations between this co-worker and my WW and the co-worker is encouraging and sometimes pushing my WW to continue this A.

My WW and have had numerous discussions and during one this weekend she stated she didn't believe she had "a way out other than divorce". I asked she meant and she stated "a way out of the situation because of all the people impacted" currently. I explained we can work on it together and that I can offer a way for her to stay.


Me: BH 38yo
WW: 36yo
Married: 16 years (married at ages 21 and 19)
Together: 17 years
3 Children: 6, 11, 14
EA began: 2/22/2011
EA Discovery: 3/8/2011
Last known contact(WW claims to have stopped talking: 4/25/2011
Sad_Dad1972 #2512378 05/24/11 02:33 PM
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Dude welcome back here. Many leave some come back when faced with hard choices and experienced sometimes firm hands. We are the crap o meters on wayard garble.
The fact still remains until you EXPOSE and kill this A your M doesn't have a snow balls chance in the oven.
All this other "a way out" Crap is a way-wards babble right out of the Way-Wards handbook.
On Tue, the 12th she came home 3 hours late from work Do what? She had contact again. Broke it off? That's your Job!
Make her quit her job after you Blow it up with exposure..
If you want to save your M you had better act quickly.


Divorced 11/5/2013
FXWW EA 2005/2008/2010
Hilsmon #2512380 05/24/11 02:35 PM
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Are you ready to try and save your M?


Divorced 11/5/2013
FXWW EA 2005/2008/2010
Hilsmon #2512381 05/24/11 02:39 PM
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Yes, I am ready to save my marriage.


Me: BH 38yo
WW: 36yo
Married: 16 years (married at ages 21 and 19)
Together: 17 years
3 Children: 6, 11, 14
EA began: 2/22/2011
EA Discovery: 3/8/2011
Last known contact(WW claims to have stopped talking: 4/25/2011
Sad_Dad1972 #2512384 05/24/11 02:44 PM
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She got off work at 5:00pm, then had lunch with her mother (who is pushing her to stay) and she took her co-worker with her I believe to use as a shield. She took her co-worker back to work at 6:00pm and then promptly called him to break it off. She then came home at 7:55pm.


Me: BH 38yo
WW: 36yo
Married: 16 years (married at ages 21 and 19)
Together: 17 years
3 Children: 6, 11, 14
EA began: 2/22/2011
EA Discovery: 3/8/2011
Last known contact(WW claims to have stopped talking: 4/25/2011
Sad_Dad1972 #2512386 05/24/11 02:46 PM
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Are we required to type out our posts again or can you just read what we already wrote and put together a plan?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2512389 05/24/11 02:49 PM
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I can read and put together a plan from your posts. I will research the OM and begin exposure of him and working Plan A. Should I also expose her again more broadly?


Me: BH 38yo
WW: 36yo
Married: 16 years (married at ages 21 and 19)
Together: 17 years
3 Children: 6, 11, 14
EA began: 2/22/2011
EA Discovery: 3/8/2011
Last known contact(WW claims to have stopped talking: 4/25/2011
Sad_Dad1972 #2512392 05/24/11 02:55 PM
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Originally Posted By: Sad_Dad1972
I can read and put together a plan from your posts. I will research the OM and begin exposure of him and working Plan A. Should I also expose her again more broadly?


Expose her "AGAIN?" When did you expose to the OM's wife? Your children? Have you confronted the OM?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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