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WATCHING TELEVISION DOES NOT COUNT AS UA TIME! YOUR ATTENTION IS ON THE TELEVISION AND NOT EACH OTHER!

Just in case you forgot.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

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Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
[quote=Prisca]Three questions:
1. Have the two of you filled out your ENQs? Yes but need to be revised.

You have been talking about doing this for a few weeks now. When are you going to do it?

Quote:
2. How many UA hours are you getting a week? 10-15, but not much outside of the couch and TV. We did scrabble the other night which was nice.
3. Are you scheduling UA activities ahead of time? No, this is some of the "push back" I believe I'm receiving from my wife. Everything is just "up in the air" you know?

10-15 hours will not work, and the two of you will more likely just grow more agitated and distant. It takes a MINIMUM of 15 hours to maintain romantic love. That's a MINIMUM. More is better, if you can cut it.

Also, TV doesn't count. And I was the worst at coming around and admitting this. A few months back, ALL I wanted to do was sit in front of the TV with Markos. Why? Because I was in withdrawal, and nothing else sounded enjoyable.

It's already been mentioned that Grace is probably in withdrawal. You're going to have to be the one to step up here and get things going.

Don't push, but start making plans.

Sit down right now and look at this coming week. Where can you fit 15 hours in? Use some of the suggestions on this thread to start getting that time in at home -- don't wait around until you can agree on a babysitter. Start now.

Mention a babysitter to her once a week, and see if she will discuss ideas with you. If not, back off and revisit the issue a week later.

But start scheduling 15 hours anyway. Markos and I get a lot of our time together in the morning while the kids are having breakfast in front of a cartoon. You can do the same in the evening. Just one hour in the morning and one at night will give you 14 hours a week, and you can probably squeeze in another hour or two on the weekend. Take the initiative here and come up with a plan.

Then plan activities for those times. Something you know that she will enjoy. Now, she may not respond immediately, but her love bank is deep in the red and it will take some time before the results may show. So ya'll like scrabble? Schedule it a couple times a week. PLAN for conversations. Start investigating her -- asking her questions (but being prepared for not much of a response at first). You take the initiative and make the plan.

Show her the calendar you've come up with. Ask her if she'd like to make changes. Ask for any input at all. She may have none, and may just brush you off.

When the scheduled time comes, ask her to join in the activity with you. If she doesn't want to, ask what she would like to do instead. Be with her. Talk to her, even if she doesn't respond much.

She eventually will. You are making small deposits in her love bank right now -- they're small because she's in withdrawal. Each one counts though. She'll eventually come out of withdrawal, and you'll be able to make even larger deposits.

Plan the UA time. Start making love bank deposits.


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Originally Posted By: Prisca
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
[quote=Prisca]Three questions:
1. Have the two of you filled out your ENQs? Yes but need to be revised.

You have been talking about doing this for a few weeks now. When are you going to do it?

Quote:
2. How many UA hours are you getting a week? 10-15, but not much outside of the couch and TV. We did scrabble the other night which was nice.
3. Are you scheduling UA activities ahead of time? No, this is some of the "push back" I believe I'm receiving from my wife. Everything is just "up in the air" you know?

10-15 hours will not work, and the two of you will more likely just grow more agitated and distant. It takes a MINIMUM of 15 hours to maintain romantic love. That's a MINIMUM. More is better, if you can cut it.

Also, TV doesn't count. And I was the worst at coming around and admitting this. A few months back, ALL I wanted to do was sit in front of the TV with Markos. Why? Because I was in withdrawal, and nothing else sounded enjoyable.

It's already been mentioned that Grace is probably in withdrawal. You're going to have to be the one to step up here and get things going.

Don't push, but start making plans.

Sit down right now and look at this coming week. Where can you fit 15 hours in? Use some of the suggestions on this thread to start getting that time in at home -- don't wait around until you can agree on a babysitter. Start now.

Mention a babysitter to her once a week, and see if she will discuss ideas with you. If not, back off and revisit the issue a week later.

But start scheduling 15 hours anyway. Markos and I get a lot of our time together in the morning while the kids are having breakfast in front of a cartoon. You can do the same in the evening. Just one hour in the morning and one at night will give you 14 hours a week, and you can probably squeeze in another hour or two on the weekend. Take the initiative here and come up with a plan.

Then plan activities for those times. Something you know that she will enjoy. Now, she may not respond immediately, but her love bank is deep in the red and it will take some time before the results may show. So ya'll like scrabble? Schedule it a couple times a week. PLAN for conversations. Start investigating her -- asking her questions (but being prepared for not much of a response at first). You take the initiative and make the plan.

Show her the calendar you've come up with. Ask her if she'd like to make changes. Ask for any input at all. She may have none, and may just brush you off.

When the scheduled time comes, ask her to join in the activity with you. If she doesn't want to, ask what she would like to do instead. Be with her. Talk to her, even if she doesn't respond much.

She eventually will. You are making small deposits in her love bank right now -- they're small because she's in withdrawal. Each one counts though. She'll eventually come out of withdrawal, and you'll be able to make even larger deposits.

Plan the UA time. Start making love bank deposits.


We both filled out the RC Worksheet. There are about 10-15 "6's" in there. Tonight we planned on walking for an hour from 5-6pm and then playing Scrabble from 8-930pm. I put it in the worksheet so we can both see it.


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Quote:
We both filled out the RC Worksheet. There are about 10-15 "6's" in there.

So go ahead and schedule next week with some of those "6's", and be sure to allow a lot of time for conversation. smile And schedule some time for SF, too. Let Grace look it over for the next few days, and give her input.

Get 15 hours in for the next several weeks, then see how your love banks are doing.


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Originally Posted By: Prisca
Quote:
We both filled out the RC Worksheet. There are about 10-15 "6's" in there.

So go ahead and schedule next week with some of those "6's", and be sure to allow a lot of time for conversation. smile And schedule some time for SF, too. Let Grace look it over for the next few days, and give her input.

Get 15 hours in for the next several weeks, then see how your love banks are doing.


We just finished one which was taking a walk down to the store to buy something to grill for dinner. Kids at parents house. Had to take baby, but she was sleeping. In about an hour we are playing scrabble. So that is two sixes in one day. Grace was VERY talkative on our walk so I think we'll keep doing that one!


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Great, keep doing that! I wish we could take a walk like that! smile


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
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Originally Posted By: markos
Great, keep doing that! I wish we could take a walk like that! smile


We live in a big tract home neighborhood, so the stores are about a mile away. Walking to pick up some fresh produce to grill is pretty fun, we get to talk a lot, we get some blood flowing, etc. The more I think about recreational activities, the more I like the in-between kind where you are not out of breath so you can't talk, but yet you get the blood flowing, and can still carry a conversation. If you go running together and both spouses have headsets on, I don't think that is nearly as valuable.


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Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted By: markos
Great, keep doing that! I wish we could take a walk like that! smile


We live in a big tract home neighborhood, so the stores are about a mile away. Walking to pick up some fresh produce to grill is pretty fun, we get to talk a lot, we get some blood flowing, etc. The more I think about recreational activities, the more I like the in-between kind where you are not out of breath so you can't talk, but yet you get the blood flowing, and can still carry a conversation. If you go running together and both spouses have headsets on, I don't think that is nearly as valuable.


Right, avoid anything that precludes you guys having intimate conversation! Dr. Harley says don't count anything as UA time that keeps you from giving each other your undivided attention, and he gives a few examples like movies and video games, but I still always felt it was a little confusing and vague until I reread the Conversation chapter in His Needs Her Needs recently and saw his statement that most of the hours of UA time should be spent in intimate conversation.

You can do fun things together of course, just don't let those activities (or anything else) get in the way of the number one goal of spending fifteen hours per week giving each other your undivided attention and meeting each other's intimate emotional needs.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Anyone listen to the radio show today? How many husbands out there pretend that other ENs are just as important as SF? If so how long did it take to admit it? Come on now let's start calling a spade a spade'. smile


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I don't understand your question. You mean like your wife has a need and as a guy think sex trumps the other needs taht your wife might have?

It took a bit before my wife recognized that SF is really a legitimate need. It was us reading the MB books together as our UA time for her to realize, "Hey! He's not just a walking hormone."

My wife's highest ENs are DS and FC. She glows when I meet these.

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Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Anyone listen to the radio show today? How many husbands out there pretend that other ENs are just as important as SF? If so how long did it take to admit it? Come on now let's start calling a spade a spade'. smile


Actually, I believe that for a long time, I pretended the opposite; that other EN's were NOT as important as SF. And because of this, I got the need for S met, without any F.

Two parts; sexual. stop. fulfillment. stop.

Sometimes, putting the "F" in SF - even for men - includes Admiration, Affection, and Conversation.


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Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Anyone listen to the radio show today? How many husbands out there pretend that other ENs are just as important as SF? If so how long did it take to admit it? Come on now let's start calling a spade a spade'. smile


Actually, I believe that for a long time, I pretended the opposite; that other EN's were NOT as important as SF. And because of this, I got the need for S met, without any F.

Two parts; sexual. stop. fulfillment. stop.

Sometimes, putting the "F" in SF - even for men - includes Admiration, Affection, and Conversation.


Reason I mentioned it is because Dr Harley on yesterday's show mentioned something along the lines of, "For most men SF, is their single most important EN. Their second most important EN, so far down the list by comparison...." You get the point. I think in my particular case, I felt bad, staring at the workbook, knowing that SF is my most important EN. To distract from that selfish need(I know I am not selfish now), I placed more importance on other ENs incorrectly and less on SF. One of them was affection. So I'm wondering how many men, whether it be from the pressures of society, their wives, etc would place less importance on SF when in reality that is what they needed most?


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Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Anyone listen to the radio show today? How many husbands out there pretend that other ENs are just as important as SF? If so how long did it take to admit it? Come on now let's start calling a spade a spade'. smile


Actually, I believe that for a long time, I pretended the opposite; that other EN's were NOT as important as SF. And because of this, I got the need for S met, without any F.

Two parts; sexual. stop. fulfillment. stop.

Sometimes, putting the "F" in SF - even for men - includes Admiration, Affection, and Conversation.


Reason I mentioned it is because Dr Harley on yesterday's show mentioned something along the lines of, "For most men SF, is their single most important EN. Their second most important EN, so far down the list by comparison...." You get the point. I think in my particular case, I felt bad, staring at the workbook, knowing that SF is my most important EN. To distract from that selfish need(I know I am not selfish now), I placed more importance on other ENs incorrectly and less on SF. One of them was affection. So I'm wondering how many men, whether it be from the pressures of society, their wives, etc would place less importance on SF when in reality that is what they needed most?


*puts his hand up*

I did that! .. The first time i did my ENQ i didnt do it truthfully becasue i was afraid of my wifes reaction. I had SF like 3 on the list and affection and admiration was #1 and #2. But the truth was ... SF WAS #1 by far in comparison. Still is!

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Originally Posted By: MrNiceGuy
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Anyone listen to the radio show today? How many husbands out there pretend that other ENs are just as important as SF? If so how long did it take to admit it? Come on now let's start calling a spade a spade'. smile


Actually, I believe that for a long time, I pretended the opposite; that other EN's were NOT as important as SF. And because of this, I got the need for S met, without any F.

Two parts; sexual. stop. fulfillment. stop.

Sometimes, putting the "F" in SF - even for men - includes Admiration, Affection, and Conversation.


Reason I mentioned it is because Dr Harley on yesterday's show mentioned something along the lines of, "For most men SF, is their single most important EN. Their second most important EN, so far down the list by comparison...." You get the point. I think in my particular case, I felt bad, staring at the workbook, knowing that SF is my most important EN. To distract from that selfish need(I know I am not selfish now), I placed more importance on other ENs incorrectly and less on SF. One of them was affection. So I'm wondering how many men, whether it be from the pressures of society, their wives, etc would place less importance on SF when in reality that is what they needed most?


*puts his hand up*

I did that! .. The first time i did my ENQ i didnt do it truthfully becasue i was afraid of my wifes reaction. I had SF like 3 on the list and affection and admiration was #1 and #2. But the truth was ... SF WAS #1 by far in comparison. Still is!

MNG


I thought so, thanks for your honesty MNG. Now can you go over to my wife's post and push the Maca Root! smile While you're there you can remind her that Hill needs lots of SF!!! hurray


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Well .. I might do that .. but one thing I would like to chime in on was a few (many) pages back you mentioned a vasectomy. I would go get that done ... possibly your wife is nervous about getting preggo again and condoms/birth control are a bit of a turn off for her. Its ALOT easier to SF when you know your not having any more kids and you have made sure (by vasectomy) that the chances are NULL to her getting preggo again. ONce you do this .. you will find that your sex will be alot more spntaneous becasue you dont have to go "do you got protection hun?" and waste those few extra moments to "put one on" in the heat of the moment ... its alot nicer to just not have to stop and lose your "momentum".

Get er done ... asap if you dont plan on any more kids ... you wife will love you for it! .. do it on a friday (mid afternoon) then sit on a bag of frozen veggies for the weekend and youll be back to work on monday NP. Then a week from then you'll be good to go! And that week off you give your wife (unless you plan it around her period) will give your wife some "relief of pressure" until you guys are in tune again.

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x2 on ^ post.

If y'all don't want any more kids, I can't tell you how relieving having a vasectomy is. Pain is minimal, after discomfort is short, and recovery time isn't that long.


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Hi Kilted, thanks for posting this. My husband is sure that a v will leave him in his words "mooing at the moon", i.e. totally emasculated. I would be so impressed with him if he would have this done. If it wasn't such invasive surgery I would have my tubes tied in a moment.

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Originally Posted By: MrNiceGuy
Well .. I might do that .. but one thing I would like to chime in on was a few (many) pages back you mentioned a vasectomy. I would go get that done ... possibly your wife is nervous about getting preggo again and condoms/birth control are a bit of a turn off for her. Its ALOT easier to SF when you know your not having any more kids and you have made sure (by vasectomy) that the chances are NULL to her getting preggo again. ONce you do this .. you will find that your sex will be alot more spntaneous becasue you dont have to go "do you got protection hun?" and waste those few extra moments to "put one on" in the heat of the moment ... its alot nicer to just not have to stop and lose your "momentum".

Get er done ... asap if you dont plan on any more kids ... you wife will love you for it! .. do it on a friday (mid afternoon) then sit on a bag of frozen veggies for the weekend and youll be back to work on monday NP. Then a week from then you'll be good to go! And that week off you give your wife (unless you plan it around her period) will give your wife some "relief of pressure" until you guys are in tune again.

MNG


Yep this is our plan! By the way I bought a bottle of Maca Root the other day. My wife isn't down with taking some yet, but it appears that it is great for both men and women. Do you take it? If so what changes have you seen in yourself? I was specifically interested in it effects on skin(mine is very dry) and adrenal glands. Energy is a big problem for me.


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Wife and I just got into it a bit. Not a huge fight but it was very difficult. She insulted me repeatedly, told me my complaint was invalid, etc. It stems around me saying "no" to her. I was doing something important to me(posting on this forum), she felt what she needed to do trumped my activity, so she dropped baby in my lap while asking me if I wanted to watch her. I told her that her request for me to watch the baby didn't seem like a request at all since the baby was on my lap before you finished the question. She got angry about me telling her no, snatched the baby out of my arms, and said "fine I'll just hold her then." Almost like an adult tantrum kind of a thing. I asked for clarification about it and she began to insult me again. I said, "you're insulting me please stop" to which she replied, "no I'm not."

The reason I bring this up is not to figure out what to do tonight, we'll be fine, just need to cool off a bit. What my concern is that I'm not in touch with my Taker? I'm really not sure, but it revolves around me not telling my wife "no" enough. I walk around saying, "sure" or "ok" all day and at some point I've had enough of it. My wife knows that it bothers me that she asks me to do so many things for her. To her credit she has gotten better, but today was an all out "askathon" and I often times feel taken advantage of when this occurs. The requests I suppose are SD's? I mean they are not rude, there are just so many of them. Today I honestly feel like I've maxed out my ability to handle any more, "can you's".

Anyway, she went upstairs to shower, insulted me one more time on the way up, then told me she wasn't gonna fight with me? I'm sure everything will be fine, I'm just kind of disappointed.


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Hill, you remember the beginning of Love Busters, right? The wife acted inappropriately, with love busters, because she wasn't being honest about what she could handle on a daily basis. Maybe y'all can brainstorm what you want status quo to look like.

Is there a reason like colic why the baby needs to be held all the time? My older daughter loved to sit and hold the baby, more than the baby wanted, LOL. Maybe one of your kids enjoys this? Maybe you have a swing or a walker the baby likes to sit in?

This stage is *so* short, you remember with the other ones. The idea is to make all your interactions positive ones that grow your love for each other. What's going well? Does baby sleep through the night?


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