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Not only human questions but NORMAL ones too.

If you feel stuck, what do you think could help you out of there? Do you need a change of scenery?

I think the main thing is probably just that it was xWH's bday, so it brought it all back up for you again. Next date that is going to remind you of him, do something for YOURSELF and make is a special day.

What is the next date that you can think of that may be a trigger for you?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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mymissy Offline OP
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Thanks Scotty,
I am thinking that I need a change of scenery as well; I am considering moving south before next winter. smile I have about 6 more months on my current lease and then I plan to look at all open positions within my company. I would have liked to have held out on moving until DstepK were finished with college; but I am not sure I really want to stay in OH. IDK, they will be done summer of 2012; maybe move then. I really try to just take it one day at a time.

The next date that will trigger memories will be the next several weeks; XWH proposed over an 8 week period - turning it into a wonderful game - and ending with a proposal right around Easter. I thought I would always treasure that memory and now it just feels like a lie.
I will be in N Carolina for 10 days for continuing education, so that will help.

Was out to dinner with DstepD and she informed me that her grandmother (XMIL) has decided to not have Xmas get together on Xmas day any more - she said with the new baby coming that the families should spend time on their own. WTF, with the birth of her 11 other grandchildren they never stopped the Xmas get together. This tells me that the ripple effect in the family is quite significant. Oh well, not my problem or concern.
Kind of sad to see part of that family fall apart; I feel especially sad for XWH grandparents - this is probably why no more Xmas.


Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10

"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Mymissy,
Hugs back to you. Change of scenery is sometimes good. Head my way to Texas! Lower cost of living and plenty of sunshine! Just a thought.

Good you continue to have R with Dsteps and not get pulled into the drama.

Blessings to you in the coming weeks and try to change things up to avoid all of those triggers...maybe take some vacation time!


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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mymissy Offline OP
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Thanks Hope, actually Texas is one of the places that I have been considering down the road. I am guessing there is a lack of occupational therapists there, some of the salaries I have seen offered from recruiters are phenomenal. Texas would beat the Ohio winters.

Well I seem to be doing better in spite of this time of year; no tears for many days now. Of course I still obsess about everything in my head, just less intensely. Baby steps smile


Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10

"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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We have a few major hospitals here if you want any more info let me know. I do not miss the winters even though I miss my family but I travel back at least 2x a year.

I know this is tough and even after all of this time I do have my days but it is getting better.

take care. blessings.


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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mymissy, have been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing?

Did you get past Easter and the triggers.

Praying you are in a better place each day.

bump.


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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mymissy Offline OP
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Hey Hope, I just finished reading the last couple of pages of your thread. I am so sorry that after all this time that you still have to deal with all the BS.
As for me, I am doing OK. Not great, but not horrible. I have decided to start some counseling and my first appointment is next week. I feel stuck and just not moving forward. So I thought some IC might help me to continue to work through all the sadness.
SS had the baby, obviously got herself pregnant 2 months before I signed the separation papers. It would seem she got pregnant immediately after I sent xh an email threatening to move back into my house. Hmmmmm...coincidence, I think not. She and her husband are not yet divorced, it. Was put on hold when the court found out she was pregnant. But in truth, none of that is my concern or problem. I am just trying to focus on me and my healing. Some days still seem hard, but I am surviving day to day.
My plan for now is to enjoy my summer and then this fall decide if I am moving and to where. I am currently leaning towards Florida, northern florida has pretty nice weather and I have a friend in the area. Another friend is trying to talk me into moving to Vegas; it's an option, but it seems very far from Ohio and my family.
So that's where I am for now, just working; still see DstepKids about once a week for dinner. That does get harder, DstepD has slightly jumped on the SS bandwagon with the arrival of new baby. It's easier to not even bring subject up and I can hardly fault her. She is daddy's girl.
It's sad though, xh now has all the things he never wanted; someone else kids, new baby, multiple house cats, and a partner that doesn't work. My guess is that it will fall apart in the future and there will be even more children tragedies. No one seems to want to consider any of the kids best interest; SS uses her 3 against her soon to xh to get what she wants out of him and now there is another innocent child who will end up being a pawn as well.
Again, not my problem. Seems cold to think that way, but for my own sanity i have to.


Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10

"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Mymissy:

Wow, I can't believe in this coincidence, although Oprah says there are no such things as coincidences. I just finished reading your thread, and then I found this e-mail in my in-box from Oprah regarding her last show (obviously a general e-mail sent to thousands of fans):

Lo and behold today's words for May 26th just happened to be
"BEING SAD".
( No coincidences)

The best thing for being sad, replied Merlin, is to learn something T. H. White.

"The idea here is not to divert the sadness, but to give it a context from life other than what is making you sad. Just as a ginger can lose its bitterness when baked in bread, sadness can be leavened by other life. When feeling the sharpness of being sad or hurt, it helps to take new things in. This pours the water of life on the fire of the heart. So when exhausted from expressing all that hurt, listen to music you've never heard of, or ask someone to tell you an old story from before your birth, or take a drive down a road near a ridge you've always meant to look out from. Look with your sad eyes on things new to you that will give you something to do with your sadness. Your sadness is the paint. You must find a canvas."

I hear so many of you saying you're sad to see the show leave.
Instead of sadness, I hope you will channel the energy of hopefulness you received from the show in whatever form it gave to you.

I hope this speaks to you, and it is a great comfort knowing that many people are rooting for you, and you are not alone.

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Thanks CG,
I am trying to learn from this "experience" and am looking for my canvas; I just seem to be having a hard time finding it. But in my heart I know its there.
I would like to have pulled the "bandaid" off this wound and gotten it to heal faster; but I think I would have missed part of the healing process and not found out who I am again. What I have learned so far is that I am starting to like who I am again.

Oh, and I too will miss Oprah.


Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10

"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Haven't posted to you much before but Missy, my sig line says it all when they get pregnant deliberately.

Their affair will die a miserable death even if there is an affairage in the future. Might I suggest GA? ATL area? Wonderful nightlife and shows come here, great restaurants, lots of hospitals here and good salaries and beautiful suburbs and rolling hills. You can get to either a gulf beach or ga beach within 4 to 5 hrs! Mountains are an hour away. Plus our airport is the largest so you can always get quickly home.

I did, fwiw, what you are doing after my D. I went to a fantastic counselor who worked on me. Your situation, like mine, was quite traumatic and you have to work to "work" this out of your system or else it could lead to issues w/stress related HTN which I now have but am "fixin" right now. Im in healthcare too.

Let your x dig the hole and move as far away from his trauma drama as possible. Tell the dstepchildren that you want a relationship with them, but without recon on the adulterers.

However, I do think it might be funny seeing a woman getting a divorce from her husband who is pregnant and hearing why in court they're getting a divorce. Oh the judge should LOVE that it's not her stbxh's baby! (evil giggle)

Sad part is I can tell you what will happen. Here's their future and then you can turn it off. Like you my xwh had everything a guy could want. But he was an idiot and lost everything. Not my problem. But here's how their stupid relationship will go:
1)she will get divorced and push for their relationship or for a M (affairage) b/c of her baby coming and she doesn't work (my xwh's wistress wife did'nt work either0
2)your wxh might be pressured to marry her but he won't really want to.
3)he will immediately (if he does) feel MORE pressure and begin to panic and want to run. This is when the cheating feelings come back again. My xwh began cheating right after she had the baby...cheating again!
4)they will argue from the get go. It will not be pretty either. It will be vile, vicious arguements like you two never had. My xwh got physically violent with the ow/w on several occasions.
5)the ow will begin to spend $ like no tomorrow if she senses he's losing interest or she might be single again.
6)they will spend, lie and cheat themselves into destruction and sadly the child will lose. My xwh's oc from the affair is now 6, and she has huge learning disabilities and suffers from emotional trauma and at that tender age, had to be hospitalized earlier this year due to mental issues. AT SIX. Because of them.
7)they will divorce and it will end far far more badly than yours did. But more devastation will lie in their wake.

Thank God you have a great job and a beautiful new life ahead. It is beautiful! After focusing on healing and moving ahead after what my xwh did, I got pretty darn happy here. I also ended up meeting the man I would marry and the real love of my life too! But all that could happen only after HARD REAL WORK on myself, my personal recovery.

So come here. Or somewhere that makes you happy. Get a great job. Get a city with a big airport so you can fly away and have new life adventures and put that "thing" (the D) behind you as it was never your problem to begin with. Hugs and smiles~


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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mymissy Offline OP
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Thanks Peachy,
I do always giggle when I read your sig line; that is how I am hoping my will be.


Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10

"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Peachy - you never let us down - so inspiring on all levels.

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mymissy Offline OP
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Have not been on here in a while; thought I would throw out a quick update.

I am doing ok; counseling is definetly helping me to continue to work through the emotions. And I now understand how the scar of an A will never completely go away.

Still not dating - despite the pushing of people around me. Just not ready; but I can at least look toward the future. Sadness stills plagues me, sad for all the losses - the losses everyone experienced.

I am still in contact with my DstepKids, I took all three on vacation over the 4th of July and the twins and I still have dinner a couple of times a month.

While I was not able to recover my marriage; I attribute my personal recovery to the great people on this site who saw me through me darkest time. MB's has taught me many things and I will definitely use those tools in the future. I am glad that I did not force myself into a relationship before I was ready. Now I am open to the concept, but certainly not pursuing it.

I do still feel stuck - both personally and professionally. I am considering trying some travel therapy to see some other areas of the country. And maybe figure out where I want to be geographically. But I haven't decided on that yet. I once asked for a blueprint or a script to help wade through all the crap of an A; part of me is still looking for that script.

So, I keep putting one toe in front of the other - I figure at some point I will figure out the path.

I hope everyone else is doing well also.


Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10

"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Thank you for the update.
You have come a long way baby ...

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Good to see you MyMissy. Life is very short. If you've got the opportunity to travel, I say go for it! Who knows what adventures might be waiting for you.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Originally Posted By: mymissy
I once asked for a blueprint or a script to help wade through all the crap of an A; part of me is still looking for that script.

So, I keep putting one toe in front of the other - I figure at some point I will figure out the path.


Wow, I responded almost this exact thing to your post in my thread before reading yours! I think we all feel this way. It's hard to move on and to think what to do with our new lives that are so different from where we thought we were going.

Traveling is a great idea!! Just think of all the FREEDOM you have now to go wherever you want, whenever you want! I'm thinking about going to Ireland next year just on my own for a week. I think spending that time alone with yourself in a completely new setting might really help you recognize just who you are and what you're capable of doing in your life!


Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10

Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10

Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012

Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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