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Then how do you know she has a boyfriend?

I would guess it is an excuse/lie OM gave WW to justify the A...

God Bless
Gamma

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Originally Posted by BXB9473
I got a voice mail from his brother saying he was sorry about everything and wanted me to know he would help anyway he could. His brother said in the VM they all knew about her but not about him.
You are dancing away from where we are trying to lead you, BX. You're doing yourself no favors, here, and you are actually making your job more difficult.

You need to speak personally with his wife!

When my H was in the middle of his affair, our marrige was supposedly on the rocks. How about that one? You'd think someone would have thought to mention that to ME! MrRollieEyes


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Just for clarification, I sent his wife an email with the details I had regarding their affair. I then called the number that I believe is correct. It appeared to be a cell because it didn't announce the persons name just a standard greeting with the phone number.

I will keep trying to speak to her. In the mean time, do I give her 24 hours to "cool off" before trying to start the road to recovery? Sleep in the same bed, pretend like nothing happened? How do I respond to her "hating" me?

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Originally Posted by SugarCane
What makes you think that an affair of a year long was emotional only? Is this what your wife told you? I am sorry to say that there is very little possibility that this is true. An other man (OM) would not have stayed involved with her for conversation and flattery only. It is almost a certainty that they had sex to some degree. You need to find out about that, because you need to be protected from the possibility of a sexually transmitted infections, and you need not to be lied to and gaslighted. until your wife tells you the full truth about the affair, you cannot consider yourself to be in recovery.

Sorry you are here, BXB. Just my two cents in response to SugarCane: while it is certainly uncommon, it is still possible that they did not go physical. I am one example of this (and I am well out of the fog so no need to lie about such things). Looking in retrospect, I think my EA lasted almost a year as well (3/4 or sth), although I would never have classified it as such for the first months.

I'm sorry if you have already said it and I've missed it, but what made her admit her EA? It usually doesn't happen out of the blue, you know. ETA: ok, I saw that you discovered and confronted her. This explains her anger and it is perfectly normal.

Exposure is good! And needs to be done in the circle of your families and friends as well. Her workplace - absolutely.

And I am repeating what others have said, but it is important - no contact is essential. She should quit her job. There are too many possibilities of contact and too many triggers (even if he leaves the job as well).

Get as much UA time as possible. A weekend getaway would be perfect.

Last edited by Sparkler; 06/07/11 02:24 PM. Reason: found the info I had missed

Me: FWW 31
DH: BH 32
M: April 2001
DSs b 2005 and 2006
EA began summer~autumn 2009, D-Day1 Feb 2010
EA went uglier until NC-letters mid-June 2010
Discovering MB site end of June 2010
D-Day 2 Jul 7, 2010, followed by 2 other D-days (Jul 14, 2010, and Jul 31?, 2010)

Falling back in love - or so it seemed...
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In the mean time, do I give her 24 hours to "cool off" before trying to start the road to recovery? Talk of "recovery" is premature at this time. Her adulterous brain is still craving the dopamine that she received from her AP. Recovery cannot start until after withdrawal and THAT follows affair-termination.

Sleep in the same bed, pretend like nothing happened? ABSOLUTELY!

How do I respond to her "hating" me? Very calmly, state that you were, with your actions, taking steps to protect your marriage. Mention that you hope she will soon see that. In the mean time, make her a nice cup of chamomile tea. (BUT GET THAT DAMNED MINI-RECORDER!)

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So last night was as bad as I thought it would be. I obviously got the silent treatment for the most part except for a few random thoughts such as:

"You know I have feelings for him"
"Why did you have to hurt innocent people with your email? You sent it to people that have little or no knowledge of HIM and especially about his married life. "
"Why didn't you stop with just a couple of people (parents, wife, brother, etc). "
"This is our problem not theirs"
"we are in a worse place now than we have been in the last year."

I answered these logically (to me) with a simple statement:

"I was doing what I needed to do to save our marriage."

I have been depositing into the LB for 30 days now. Can i assume that her LB is now empty and needs to be filled agsin? Feedback on responses to her statements and feedback to next steps would be appreciated.





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Ahh, yes, snippets from the classics. The untracked WW, as a genre, seem to suffer a pronounced loss of function in the "creative composition" portion of the brain, resulting in their resorting to parrotting lines from "Golden Hits of the Cheaters", vol 1 and 2.

She will soon find the words to "If There Was Any Chance For Us Before, It's Gone Now". This should be followed by the all-time great cha-cha, "I Need Some Time Alone To Find Myself", and, of course, that famous ballad, "Why Can't You Just Be Happy For Me?"

Sadly, there is only one person spinning the tunes for awhile, and it takes some time for her to grow as tired of hearing herself, as you are already of hearing her.

If it provides any comfort, your particular brand of WW seems disinclined to reach the "Screaming Banshee" level of resentment. This might be presaged by a confrontation, followed by the grabbing of car-keys and racing away, to slink back hours later, having no real plan or place to go.

Stay strong, stay calm, repeat IADTTSOM, and lay in the supply of chamomile.

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BX her comments are so run of the mill you could have cut and pasted it from 100's of threads on this forum. Its usual don't worry... I said similar things to my Mum who exposed my affair as my DH was deployed. It's just crap so smile gently ... ask her would she like a cup of tea/coffee/chocolate? .. you made your position clear .. saving your M ... don't go into long winded justifications.. its the only one that�s important.

As for her LB? well its obviously very low so just keep Plan A in place.. do the deposits as part of your 'normal' day.... its permanent change you want to demonstrate.. that YOU are her best choice ... that YOU are all that she could want in a husband ... it will be a bit slow but plug away ... there will probably not be any sudden quick change ... but also its not unusual.

don't worry if you make mistakes.. its consistency thats the key

Try not to lecture her or show her how wrong she is �. she will come to that herself and it will be far more effective that way as well.

Keep up the plan A... follow vets advice � that is the best chance for a successful recovery

goodluck BX


Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.

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Babble from the WW...UGH. Classic as you have been told. I have yet to find a copy of the waywards handbook that didn't have these babbling's when the Affair was exposed.
There are a few of the exceptional waywards that come home humbled and in fear of loosing there family. But even those seem to have some of these babbling as justification's.
If your exposure hasn't been completely done FINISH IT TODAY. It is essential to get it done and over as to not dripping. Have you E to the workplace yet?


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I have not completed exposure yet. Waiting on the job since they both work for the same company and my wife will lose her job (run by very religious people who have let others go in similar situations). I know, I will finish it...

I know each situation is different but is there a general rule of thumb on how and when to start/bring up recovery plan, reconciliation, etc. I feel like the affair is completely over between them. (he sent me 9 texts explaining his sorrow, how important his kids and wife are and this is the intervention he needed, blah, blah. His wife thanked me for exposing and "she will take of it". My wife also told me it was over so "I won" and she hoped "I was happy. ". I dont believe them, just stating the communication between everyone.

I want to put this behind us and begin recovery .

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Did you talk to his wife directly or was it through texts? If it was through texts, it could have been OM.

Be careful that they do not take this affair further underground. You have what many BS's do not--a work environment that actually cares about adultery. Expose--she will have to get a new job anyway. She cannot continue to work with the OM.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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I received a Facebook email back from the exposure emails I sent earlier in the day. She still has not responded via telephone to the message I left earlier. I will try again.

Also, what is IADTTSOM? I'm not familiar with that acronym. Thank you.

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what is IADTTSOM? = I am doing this to save our Marriage



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Originally Posted by BXB9473
I have not completed exposure yet. Waiting on the job since they both work for the same company and my wife will lose her job (run by very religious people who have let others go in similar situations). I know, I will finish it...

<snip>

I want to put this behind us and begin recovery .
You will not begin recovery until you end the affair. You will not end the affair until you separate the affairees. You will not separate the affairees until you expose at work. See how one thing leads logically to the other, all in your favor?

Your wife can get another job. Wouldn't you rather she do that than get another husband?


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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If you haven't exposed to the workplace yet, here is the BritsBrats letter:

(written by MelodyLane)
Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney. This letter should be mailed/delivered to the Director of HR, with cc's to a key VP and the infidel's supervisors. It should go to 3 people with all being cc'd so that no one is tempted to throw the letter away.

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS


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You are doing a great job!

I love the line from maritalbliss! Its better that she gets a different job than a different husband!

You just have a couple loops to close. Speak to the wife. So that you can be assured that your facebook message wasn't intercepted. The "I'll take it from here" sounds more like a response from OM to throw you off the track.

And finish exposure quickly. Its better to have one Tsunami of anger from her than repeated episodes.

AttaBoy BX!

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Still haven't spoken to the wife yet but got a text from his brother again. I think this is a gift from God but I don't know how to use it.

Anyway, his brother send me a text telling me OM. Picked up a hooker and she robbed him of his Rolex and rang up 11k on his credit card just a few months ago while my wife and him were still involved.

What should I do with this juicy tidbit? Hold on to it until a rainy day or tell her his brother sent me a text and then show it to her? I want to play this card right and get my wife back. Thoughts please?

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LOL It only shows his character so forward it to your WW if you want to but its of little use to you in your endeavor.
Have you exposed to workplace BXB?


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Paychologically, will it end her feelings for him faster or will it make her hate me even more than she does already? I dont really care at this point, just wanted opinions on how this will affect a woman
Yes I exposed this morning. Honestly, it didn't feel good but I know it had to be done.

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Text the brother back, asking if he would be so kind as to text your WW (without referring to you) and give her the "good" news.

Ahhh, the devious juices are flowing today.......

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