Zed,

It sounds like OMW could be your biggest ally. Maybe she already has the goods that you are looking for and doesn't know how to approach the situation.

Save this for when you deliver the NC letter written by your wife. In that letter she needs to address the disrespect and the hurt she caused her family and the demand of NC for life.

Just for the record, I confronted OW in my sitch and she looked me in the eye and promised NC. She then turned around and started calling my H using *67 so that her number would not register on the bill. They just took it further underground.

Do not believe ANYTHING that your W or OM tell you at this point

There were no consequences.

Conditions and boundaries need to be set for you to stay in the M.

1. NC for life
2. NC letter - handwritten by her for you to deliver.
3 Complete transparency including the work computer
4. commitment to MB recovery program
5. Other toxic friends go. From now on her friends will be friends of the M

It is her choice to meet the above or leave the M. That means HER moving. You and the kids stay.

Cool and calm.

She will threaten to leave but probably won't when push comes to shove.

So, if I can't come up with new proof, but she freely admits when she meets with him, but always tells me they "just talk" about stuff and won't go into much detail, would the letters from last summer, plus the fact that she is still seeing him be enough, or have enough impact to expose and try to end the affair. I am trying to come up with more proof but she is smart and very careful. What have others done in this situation?

My wife and I talked last night, and she tells me she is sorry that she doesn't live up to my expectations, but she admits she is not close to me as well. All I want is the loving close wife I had before this guy came into the picture. She always tells me that she can't go back to the way things were... Being close with each other? Was that so bad. I think she has such a case of the grass is greener right now that she can't see anything else. I know our marriage wasn't perfect, but I am willing to work on things. I am being the best I can be right now, but its hard when I feel alone in my efforts to make our marriage better.

My wife says she loves me but not in Love with me. She has had a couple of affairs during our 2-1/2 year marriage after dating for three years before that. We have been like room mates the past two years. She has wanted to get an apartment for awile but could not afford to do so. She says she feels guilty that she cannot give me what I need. Through all of this I still love her. She has told me that no one has ever love her or took as good of care of her as I have, that I am a great husband. I started to file for divorce but put it on hold. I am going to pay for 6 months for her to get an apartment and see if she misses us at all. If it does not work then that money would go toward any divorce settlement. I feel like a big fool but I still love her very much but I do not want to be a door mat for anybody. I have too much good I bring into a relationship. Does anybody know if this kind of seperation works or is this just the long good bye and I should wait for her to leave and then file? If there REALLY is a chance, I will wait. If not I want to get on with my life. Thanks for your help and advice.

MT

@hope65 please start a thread so we can help you on your own thread

Zed and Hope - I'm not a vet, but you need to start reading the articles on this site. If you follow the advice here, you'll be taking active steps to bring your situations to a resolution one way or another. As someone's signature line said at one time: Affairs are chocolate covered cancer lollipops.

Read, learn, develop a plan, have it vetted by people here, then execute the plan! You guys should also include your ages, how long you've been married, how many kids w/ages, in your signature line. That gives people some idea of what you're up against.

Hope - I love my wife very much, but she's had an affair and refuses to work on the marriage, up to this point. So, like you, I'm moving forward. The difference is that I have some idea of what I'm going to do, when; knowing that it could ultimately end in divorce. You can't live in limbo forever.

ZED All that crap is what way-wards always say.The Just Talk and Just Friends puke. The I was never happy re writing marital history spew.
BLOW IT OFF its all crapola. Everything u just described.
I think even if the evidence is old and the meer fact that they continue to meet it should be ample to expose. Give us a few examples of what the old evidence says.How damning is it?

Hope,

You know these two are talking to each other, say, this week, right?

That, in my book, would be plenty. Call this guy's wife today.

We know you're kind of stuck here (been there before) and don't want to make the wrong move, but that isn't working so great for you now is it?

End this crap because there is no way in hell your wife is going to do anything to change where she is right now. When you've got the best of both worlds, why change?

If you want this affair to end, you're going to have to do the work to bust it up. And this guy's wife will be a great pal to have in it.

Call her today.

You need to get moving here, Zed. You have a short window of time to kill this affair before it is too late. While this drags on, the affair becomes more entrenched and the more opportunities for her to become impregnated. I would get going here and get this done.

You have had the proof all along. Your wife admitted it.

Zed, Are you going to live the rest of your life with 3 people in your marriage?

FWIW, I didn't see results until I started setting conditions and boundaries for my WH. I told him what I expected and if he didn't like it, he could pack his bags and leave. Inside I was dying but I stood my ground. Until I did this, He was a cake eater (like your W) and would have continued on like that forever.

You do have enough proof to show an inappropriate relationship and to ask for support in helping you to end this and recover your M.

Repeating myself ...You need to set conditions to remain in the M and stand your ground.

NC with OM for life
NC letter written by her for you to deliver
complete transparency including work computer
other toxic friends who are friends of OM also need to go.
commitment to MB recovery program

If she will not do this, then SHE needs to leave. You and the kids stay.

If she leaves, it will be up to OM to meet ALL of her EN. How long do you honestly think that would last? She will think back to you in Plan A and remember how good you really were. She will miss her kids. She will see first hand that it is not greener on the other side.

You will welcome her back when she is willing to meet your conditions to stay in the M.

Good Luck Zed ... don't live your life with a third person in your M.

Proof is not really needed and yes you have plenty to expose. If its a Custody/Court proceeding your worried about you will be allowed to summon her work emails and depose the OM under oath on the stand. Who really cares about proof anyhow but the courts. Your Knowledge of it and Words are all the proof you really need.
Personally I dont know how you could take this. I would be joining there meetings and this OM would fear my wrath. I would be on him like white on rice as the saying goes. Anything I could do legally that would torment him I would. This is a WAR Zed.
BLOW THIS UP NOW. Knowing that as long as you continue to let her Eat Cake she will eat it.
Set your conditions with conviction and demand them. Fear not because right now you are on the cusps of loosing it all anyhow.
1) Expose to everyone you know NOW. TODAY. THIS VERY MINUTE.OM wife is #1 target.
2) Demand NC with POSOM for LIFE. Breaking this results in X.
3) Demand a plan of recovery to create Romantic love or it results in X.
X= Her leaving the Marital residence immediately by herself. You tell her you will be filling for a divorce based on the grounds of Adultery/Mental abuse and will be seeking all M assets, full custody of the children and child support.(mental warfare)
Plan A as you reinforce your conditions after exposure.

A lot has happened since my last post. I was gathering evidence and was going to expose the A. My WW lied to me and met with the OM and she was caught red handed. She knew it and I didn't need to say anything, she knew I was upset and she left me a note the next morning. She told me she would end the relationships that are difficult for me. She also said that this is no way for us to live and something has got to give. And that she would make the changes nessessary to make to make things better for me. She initially deactivated her FB account, and started one with just family and a few friends, then she reactivated it and deleted about half of her friends. She told me she ended it but I haven't pushed to hard yet to find out what was said/done to make sure that there will be NC. She has been very sad and sullen since however and has cried many times.

What would be a next good step? I would like her to describe to me how it was ended and set up some clear boundaries. I also think it would be a good idea to tell some of her family that she has ended the relationship with the OM. What about contacting the OM W to tell her they have ended it and compare notes? She seem to be upset at me and thinks that ending the relationship is something I need. I feel it is something our marriage needs and that is the way I word it when I talk about it. I would really like to trust her but she has not given me a a reason to

My biggest concern is that she will take it more underground. She said she knows I can track her. And I think I would have some intuition if she does see/contact him again. But she has her work computer and can still email him and she could still call him

Expose her adultery to everyone.
Including your children.

Expose the affair.

Radio clip of Dr Harley speaking to betrayed husband who never exposed and his wayward wife was leaving him for the OM. Dr Harley says "its very hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler"

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2815

In case you didn't get it already EXPOSE.

Consequences of her actions. You can't let her not face them

Also, once everyone knows, others will watch her as well and if the affair has gone underground, she will have to go very deep not to be found by someone.

Don't skip this step.

It may seem counter-intuitive to you, but we only tell you this so you don't show up a year or two from now saying that she has had another affair and you don't know what to do. Shine a light on the A monster and KILL IT. It's the BEST way to save your marriage.