She's a sweetie.

well done for finally trying to be proactive in resolving the issues you have inflicted on your marriage. However you need to stop trying and start DOING.

Has anyone considered that maybe I'm looking to fill a need that isn't met. Maybe this is part of the reason on why I started to wander twice. I understand that my wife has needs as well. But I'm really trying to understand how I did this again. I know that part of it is because of my poor boundaries, selfishness & being self-centered. I need help fixing these things. A lot of the posts are extremely insightful and I really appreciate them. I do have a problem when I'm in a uncomfortable place, my wife has pointed that out to me and I recognize it now. I need to open up and stop being so scared.
I need to learn how to put my wife first. I know the answer is so simple for most people but for some (me) it isn't. I didn't realize how screwed up my prospective was till I stated posting here.

I'm about to commit a MB no-no.
Better go take a breakie.

Chris in my opinion you need to clear up the rubble before you can rebuild your marriage.

*Right now the rubble is that there is still contact with OW and no NC letter has been done.

*you havent given your BS the full details of the contact because you deleted it and have not said anything about retreiving all the information you deleted.

*There is no mention of exposure done on your post, there is attemted exposure to your workplace but no actual exposure.

Once you complete the above then maybe you can start talking about why you did it and EN's and your depression etc.

Wow! You are making excuses for your behaviors. There are people who do not have their needs met and they do not wander. Sure it could be part of the problem but it is no excuse. Yo uare 100% responsible for what you did. I'm sure you are not meeting your wife's needs nor making her happy by any means. Has she wandered? You definitely did not fill her need for openess and honesty.

The reason you were unfaithful was because you have poor boundaries and no EP's in place. You were not open and honest with your wife. You are the only one to blame for your infidelity, don't you dare for one second blame it on her not meeting a need.

The answer is all the same for everyone. You can choose to change who you are now and your future. It's not easy for anyone but people choose to take action and work through things. It sounds like you are just making excuses instead of fixing things and making things right.

You just keep making this about you, if you keep that up you will most definitely lose your wife and your family.

Chris, what the heck is this?

You've been told what to do, stop yakking, and do it.


No you don't. If you did, you'd be jumping to follow the advice given.

Come back when you are serious, Chris.


That is because you are talking and not listening. The specific things you've been told to do are quite simple. For example, it took about five tries for me to get you to just tell us your wife's posting name. If you put up that much of a fight on something so simple, it's hard to believe that you will get around to doing the really important stuff.

Do you think we are ignorant of MB? We all KNOW all about meeting needs and how to have a romantic marriage.

Let me explain something to you that I doubt you are aware of.

Dr. H says that EPs are the cornerstone to affair-proofing your marriage because there WILL be times in marriage when a spouse is unable to meet needs. (illness, injury, etc)

Do you think you have a right to have an affair if your wife has cancer and can't meet your needs?

Marriage is MORE THAN meeting needs.

It is PROTECTING THE relationship so that NO ONE else can deposit love units.

You have refused to close your love bank to other women. That is WHY you have wandered SEVERAL times.





You did this again because you weren't living out EPs.

Why did you not have EPs in place?

Because it feels good to have your admiration need met by lotsa people.

Please answer this question.

Chris,

Pep is really good at hitting the nail on the head ... so is your wife. I can guarantee you that this is exactly what is going on in her head.

Look at the title of your thread "Please let us get through this" . Doesn't really reflect any work required on your part.

Keep in mind that your W has been here for quite a while and whatever we say, she is already thinking in her own head. If it doesn't fly here, it won't fly with her.

Listen to the great advice that you have gotten here and do what you need. That is how you will get through this without a D.

Here is a start to the "Protection Plan". Please critique.

Emotional Needs Protection plan

-Admiration -When I feel that this is being meet by another women s t say thank you and move on.

-Recreation -Don't have conversations with other women about o outdoor activities.

-Sexuality -Don't stare or think of another women in a sexual way.

-Conversation -Don't have conversations with another women, this may lead t to them wanting to meet my needs.


This is a start. I know there needs to be more added.

How do I do a NC letter?

The information will be attained through the spy stick.

This situation has been exposed to my boss.

It's in your thread. If you were actually rereading your thread and making a todo list, you'd see it. If you were actually reading the book Surviving an Affair (I'm sure your wife has a copy), you'd see it there, too.

Don't be so lazy that we have to spoon feed you, or your marriage will never make it.


That's a real copout. Tell her ahead of time.

Get serious, sir.

I do not have advice on the NC letter.

However, make sure you tell her everything and do not miss anything. If she finds something you forgot to tell her when she sees the messages, it would make thinsg worse. Come clean if you have not.

Didn't you have a physical affair as well?

I think you're shooting wild, here. You're throwing out things and hoping they'll stick. Formulate a real plan. You're setting yourself up for failure with this. There is no logical way you're going to get through life without ever having a conversation with a woman. And really, do you think 'thanking' a woman for admiring you and then 'moving on' is feasible or even acceptable? Really? This plan will flop tomorrow just on that basis. You need a solid, iron-clad plan, Chris.

Try starting with this:
1. Discuss your needs and Susie's with Susie. Go through the ENQ. Really tackle it.
2. Practice conversing with women with Susie. Discuss how you will handle various scenarios involving speaking with women out of her presence. Discuss how you will handle the texts you have to receive for work. What if you get a text that Susie would consider inappropriate in the course of your job? How will you handle that?

Scenarios to consider:
1. A group of you are standing at the water cooler, talking about the football game. A woman joins the group and makes a remark about how good-looking football players' butts are. What would you do?
2. Your text sounds. It's a co-worker and she says "I'm covering Joe's shift for him. Want to get a coffee afterward?" How do you respond?

Work with Susie to come up with other scenarios and practice them. This really helped my H. He had to learn how to converse with women as a married man. He never realized how 'out there' and flirtatious he was until we began working together on this. He never developed the tools that would help him set firm boundaries. You are in the same situation. You need to work to develop these tools.

On my end - we established that my H had a need for attention, conversation and admiration. I made it my goal to meet those needs. By calling or texting him frequently, reminding him how 'hot' I think he is congratulating him on running a great meeting at his job, etc. You will have to honestly share with Susie what needs you have that are important to you so that she can meet them. Don't make her guess.

And that's just for starters. And I'm not yelling at you. I'm not even typing hard.

Have you ever considered that is a load of bullcrap that won't fly here? If you have a "need" to be a cheater and hurt your wife and your kids for your own selfish purposes then you don't deserve a wife and kids because you are DANGEROUS.

You cheated because you have no boundaries, period. All the need meetin in the world will not overcome shabby boundaries. You are dangerous to your wife as long as you believe this.

If you are serious then don't wait for the spy stick. Just tell her now. Show her you are serious by being honest NOW? Why make her wait?

This is getting off track here! The TRUTH needs to come out FIRST. The TRUTH. She does not have the full truth.