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Originally Posted By: Chris1972
There is nothing else.



I so hope this is the truth, Chris.

I very much want your marriage to recover.

So if you have told her all there is to tell about all the OWs in your life, then it is time for you to schedule the poly. I assure you, your wife will be inquring about more than just the current OW on the poly. She will need proof about all the women in your past because this episode will have caused her to doubt everything about her life again.

The poly is the PROOF to her that there are no hidden secrets still lurking.

You want to give her that proof, don't you?


Happily married to HerPapaBear



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When did you tell your BS about the Kiss Chris?? just now?


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

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The stick and the polygraph Chris will tell your wife EVERYTHING she needs to know.

You have but maybe one chance here to set the record straight before this. DO YOU REALLY want Susie to find out what REALLY WENT ON with this skank during the poly or when she reads some of the emails?

If there was an email saying "Miss you" or "when can I see you again" I am pretty DAMN sure it is a PA goin' on. You don't text stuff like that (unless you're A. Weiner)if you're not INVOLVED EMOTIONALLY with that woman. I seriously think this is a PA.

I also think you're NOT COMING CLEAN. Just my hunch.

I went thru this. I took all I could take from a serial cheater xwh. He NEVER COULD ever tell me the straight of anything that really happened. I myself, only got the truth from the PI's I had investigate him and the lawyer I'd hired when I had enough.

DO YOU WANT HER to have to do that or go down that road? Come clean now, and tell EVERY BIT if you want to save the M. You have alot on the line. Your past being a serial cheater speaks volumes and your sweet wife has worked her butt off here trying to HELP YOUR MARRIAGE while you did NOT A DAMN THING.

If you want to give it your best shot at her sticking around and staying with you, then YOU MUST TELL EVERYTHING.

Like I told my xwh, "when there's smoke there IS fire. I WILL FIND OUT and you either tell me now or your lawyer can tell my lawyer."

Which Chris will it be? The ABSOLUTE TRUTH or a series of more lies that will make your wife die a little more inside each time there's a "new revelation" or you tell her "something you kinda forgot about". Let me tell you this. Each time she finds out something NEW that you did to betray her, it's the emotional equivalent of another d day and you surely know how painful THOSE were to her right?

Be a damn man about it for once. FESS UP NOW while you have a chance to, before she shuts you out and down for good.


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Originally Posted By: Chris1972
There is nothing else.


If that is the case I'd be amazed. My WH said the same thing...and then guess what...there's was always more. **sigh**

The affairs themselves hurt, Chris...that is a given but the worst thing a WS can do is trickle truth their BS thinking they are sparing their feelings or something. All you will end up doing is making things worse and she will never believe a word you say even when you are telling the truth because by then she either won't care or figure you are a pathological liar.

Please think about how your behavior affects her instead of you. It is a truly awful feeling for a BS to know that her WS is STILL willing to cover his butt at the expense of her emotional and mental well being. She deserves the truth regardless of the consequences to you.

I hope you will take to heart all the things the MB posters have been trying to get through to you.



BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Ditto that Black Raven. I lived that nightmare too. Never the truth and I had to PAY TO GET THE TRUTH. It cut like 10,000 razorblades. Worse than trickle truth, as my xwh LIED and said always that "there's nothing more to tell".

Trust me, there WAS ALWAYS more to tell.


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Chris, you did a good job telling her the truth about this affair. I know how hard that must have been for you. For your sake and hers, I hope it is the entire truth and not glossed over. It takes alot of guts to admit when you are wrong.

I want to give you some advice and I IMPLORE you to carefully consider it. I really do care very much about you and Susie and I so hope you take this advice because I think it is your saving grace.

Spill your guts. Get it all out NOW so you can move forward.

Doing this is the first step in transforming your marriage into the kind of romantic relationship you crave. I suspect you have withheld alot of things over the years and that has had the effect of preventing true intimacy in your marriage. Unspoken issues lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Holding stuff back harms Susie, kills your soul and prevents you from having a romantic relationship, the kind of marriage you want. You might be telling yourself that you are "sparing her" but you are not. You are hurting her. She has sensed for years she wasn't getting the full story. CArrying lies, if there are lies, is a huge burden to you, too, that keeps you cut off from her emotionally.

While that may HURT HER TODAY, I promise you it will give her a sense of relief and trust she has not had in years. It will remove that unspoken WEDGE that has been there for years.

She is already upset today. Why not get it all out there NOW, get it over with, and move forward and create the kind of romantic marriage than can only happen with honesty. Show her who you really are. Be yourself. Let her love you for who you are.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Wiser words cannot be spoken. Chris, do this for her, not TO her. FOR her.

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Quote:
The O/W and I kissed.
Okay. The truth is starting to come out. When is your last day at that job?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Chris, where'd you go?

Yesterday, I posted this:
Quote:

The poly is the PROOF to her that there are no hidden secrets still lurking.

You want to give her that proof, don't you?


What's your answer?

You DO want to give her some peace of mind that you have come completely clean, right?

NOW is the time to do it. So she can put to rest her concerns about whether she has all the info about OW in your life. Get the poly scheduled now. Every moment you sit idle, the closer she moves to being utterly DONE with you.


Happily married to HerPapaBear



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We're waiting. And the crickets have begun to chirp.

Can you come CLEAN. Really clean? We know there is more. When there's 2.5 years of sexual tension b/w you and posow, THERE CAN'T ONLY BE A KISS. We know that.

Like Sexymamabear asked you, WHAT'S YOUR ANSWER?


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Originally Posted By: peachyisback
We're waiting. And the crickets have begun to chirp.



Peachy, he's likely telling his wife what EVERY wayward says, "It's just to painful to be on the MB Forum".


Chris, I promise it can get better.

Be Honest.
Polygraph.
Repent.
Work MB.

weightlifter <------ Chris after those four items are completed.





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Maybe this has been posted before...but you should read:
The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage

They include the following:

The Rule of Care | The Rule of Protection | The Rule of Honesty
The Rule of Time

They are all important concepts/rules.

I hope you are still reading MB evening if you don't feel like posting right now.


Married 1976
Me:BS
Him:FWS
MB Weekend March 2003
2 S's: '77 & '80, 1 D: '82
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Chris????

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Darn it, Chris. And I had hope for you. I actually took you seriously. cool


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Chris,

Once we've been found out, it's my opinion that we waywards begin to vacillate between several stages.


The first stages consist of shock/fear/bargaining/and often more betrayal. It's the "I can't believe I've been found out" stage. There is usually a display of personal sorrow coupled with begging and bargaining. This is the stage where we cry to our spouse, saying things like, "I'm sorry", "I didn't mean to hurt you", "PLEASE let me stay", and it's often followed by statements like, "I know I just need some individual counseling and things will be better". Lot's of chaos occurs in this stage and is the time when a wayward often makes their infamous "ILUBINILWY Speech". A wayward then may linger in throws of this stage for a long time (sometimes for years) or jump right to the next within a blink of the eye.

I call this next one the miry clay, you know, when you have boots on, step in deep mud and then you try to walk, the boot stays behind.

The next stage is anger/anxiety/rage/depression. This is when our spouse is usually injured by our horrible words and continuous lies. This is also when we waywards typically break N/C. We make it all about ourseves, internalizing everything, instead of owning our consequence, recognizing the external damages, and thus seeing our spouse as the true victim. We vigorously put up all our walls and defend "our half truths". In this stage we think if we do not put on a good show for friends and extended family, we are afraid we will look like a fool. What we fail to realize is we already look like one, we've just been to blind to see.

The anger and the rage can be devastating to the BS during this time and can lead to tramatic stress that they may never fully recover from. The sad part is the anxiety and anger are usually just a front to help a wayward maintain their independent behavior and/or continue in their lies. It's still ALL about us and we refuse to let go. The costs of remaining in this stage run deep, and it's always at the BS's expense.

The last stages are where we must mentally choose between complete and unconditional surrender or whether we keep fighting for a chance to somehow win. We either accept that we don't want to change and remain the wayward indefinitely, or we cease fighting eveything and everyone and accept complete surrender to God. We begin to display Godly sorrow, and it's apparent to everyone that a Godly change has occured. Within this stage we have the opportunity discover one of the great paradox's of life; To completely surrender IS to win.

Last edited by HerPapaBear; 06/20/11 10:16 PM. Reason: left something out




Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Hi Chris,

I'll assume you're still reading, your silence leads me to believe you've chosen to follow a path that I once followed.

My path went like this;

My affair was discovered.

I lied about the extent of my affair.

I told my extended family just enough information necessary to cause them to feel sorry for me.... (Half truths)

Wife discovered more trickle truths from me.

I moved in with my dad and step mom. (Actually wife asked me to leave)

They felt bad for me when my wife told our children about my adultery the next day. I loved that they felt sorry for me.

I reneged on No Contact

Then I reneged on marriage counseling. I told her I had too many issues I needed to work on first. (Like my having been beaten and abused as a child and my having also been abandoned as a child issues)


I told my family and friends that MB was just a pityful bunch of cultish people following Dr. Harley. They were gullible enough to beleive me yet again.


I didn't work with the other woman like you so leaving my job was not necessary. But at this point I'm sure you're trying to do what I would have done.... Found a way to stay in my my job even though OW still works there. Just a guess??


I continued the lies and the con game, got my sisters, friends, and extended family to beleive my wife and her crowd were just bitter people....


I lied, lied and lied again and again. Refused a polygraph and even said I had too much dignity for that.


I destroyed my wife and my family. I lied to my friends and family and as a result of these half-truths, they even helped me put the finishing touches on running over my wife and children with a Mack truck.


Chris, it got much worse after that, I didn't know how it all spiraled down hill so fast. You see, I thought I could control the amount of damage I was creating,,,,

I was wrong!

I was nearly dead wrong!

I would not have survived if I had continued down this path!

God wrestled with me and led me to a sweet surrender....

As a result of this surrender;

I won!
My wife won!
Our children won!

And

My wife and I are again, one!

I could be wrong about you being on the same path I was once on. Maybe, maybe not. But I'm sure you can at least relate to some of my story.

I'll be around if you want to chat.
Be Well!





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Chris,


If you'd like to chat more privately, off forum,

You can click the notify button on the bottom of the message box and send a note to the moderators with your email and they will forward it to me.

I always like to see people stay on the forums, but sometimes this option does help in the begining.





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Originally Posted By: Chris1972
I'll also be on Dr. Harley's radio show live this Wednesday for a 20 minute segment. It should be on air around noon central time.


Did you do this? Wednesday's show seems to be about someone else.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Yes, I know I am not supposed to post on my WS's thread but he is not coming back.

Just wanted to post an update for anyone who was interested.

I have been in Plan B. The PBL required poly, postnup & completely implementing MB and posting here on the forum for me to even consider working on the M. Then Dr Harley told me my H could be considered an addict, that he can't control himself around women and the only way to be safe in a M with him is to take away ALL opportunity for an A (change profession, no cell, no email, etc)

Knowing that (1) my H will never agree to these conditions and (2) I cannot fall back in love with my H knowing that he will never really protect me, I know in my heart this is heading for D but listening to my dear MB friends, I just take things day by day, try to find the peace of being in Plan B, no need to rush anything.

That is up until about two weeks ago. My H starts screwing me financially and also starts to ignore his children (only seeing them once in the last two weeks) During that one visitation, my children come home and tearfully tell me that he was texting the entire time and they both saw some of the messages which were affectionate and my daughter writes down the name which she gives to me.

Yes, it is OW4.

Get this, she is 27 (WH is 39) and she is newly MARRIED herself (October '09), her H filed for D earlier this year.

I break my Plan B by leaving him a scathing VM message, I call and expose this to his mother (I am in Plan B with his entire family) and also shoot off a message to the OW on FB. WH ignores me, his mother basically acts as if she doesn't know what to say and OW blocks me on FB.

To top it off, a few days ago, my son left the faucet on in our upstairs bathroom where we have a slow drain and we ran out the door. When we came back, there was water coming out of the recessed lighting on our first floor great room. There is water damage on three floors of our house and the ceiling and some of the walls, insulation, duct work has to be gutted and repaired.

The day of demolition, I tell WH DS is asking for him, could he help me out while there is all this work going on at the house and he ignores me. I drop my daughter off to a friend's house to stay for a few days, and then I drive by OW's house. Yup, WH is there. I think he lives there now. He could care less that we are going through a crisis and that his son needs him.

Yes, we all know waywards are selfish, foggy etc, but still, I am stupidly in disbelief.

Anyway, I have exposed this to him mother and sister and am now back in Plan B. Have retained a lawyer and will be filing for Plan D this week.

If you could send some prayers up for my kids, I would appreciate it. I know I will be OK but I worry for them. Not only do they have to deal with a divorce, but also losing their home (we will have to sell) and a very wayward father who is now blowing them off for his new OW. Thanks....


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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