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nesre #2524625 06/30/11 05:58 AM
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rocky is the OM still living with you till friday?
So then you do not have NC?

Do not be there when the OM comes to move out. Have a trusted friend be there to see OM take his suff and leave his key.

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Rocky, if you are serious about recovering your M, then IMHO you need to pack up your stuff and move to where Strike is. You two need to be under the same roof, not 950 miles apart.

You are the one who needs to make just compensation to your H. You must have NC with the OM and do what it takes to achieve that. Strike has moved and made a new life for himself and your DS. If you want to recover your M, then you need to show him that you are 100% behind building a new life together. In your sitch, I think this is moving to where he is living.

I've been in your shoes. You've been given a chance that you (none of us WS's) deserve, but one I would give anything for...a chance for forgiveness and for rebuilding a passionate, loving M. Grab that brass ring with both hands and go!


FWW

"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
nesre #2524757 06/30/11 01:55 PM
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I read the letter I understand a lit better about his needs in the subject just because it's not what I would need it is what he needs an I need to do it for him

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toe tap

nesre #2524815 06/30/11 05:57 PM
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well we had a good day at first today reminded me of the friend I use to have in him. Toward the end of the work day he wanted

details and I was honest he hasn't wanted to talk to me every since!!! I am sitting here at the house feeling un sure sad that

I know he is hurting because of my mistakes and there is nothing I can do about it. I begged him to just talk to me about it and

we could talk an work out his feelings but he just don't want to talk to me at all.

Feels lik my fears are actually reality..........

feel lik I am trying really hard but actually making him feel worse instead of better.


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Hey rock, Im sitting at home feeling like my wayward never cared about me ever. Would give anything for him to be as brave and honest as you were today.
It will hit him like a freight train though. It isnt nice but has to be done to keep his imagination in check.
Other former waywards will prob tell you they have been here....


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I keep trying to talk to him about me moving to fla keep telling him that's what I want, need and think is important

for us but he keeps saying he is on the fence about that and just seems lik it's an un pleasant thought for him.

I think its him not trusting me that I won't hurt him or maybe he just doesn't want me around.

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I might do the same in his shoes. Hurts to trust again. Give him what he needs. Fight for him! Dont give up, take all the flak.

Use actions to back up words

Then you will be halfway to how being brave he is being by giving you a chance.

'maybe he doesnt want you around?'

Makes no sense. A man who loves you would be hurt at the stuff he heard tonight. At the stuff he has experienced.

He's listening isnt he? He wants to be persuaded. Do it and Mean it.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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No the om doesnt stay here has moved his stuff out truck comes tomorrow for the rest

I will not be here never had planned to be.

I do not make contact the om has text me and I am honesnt with my husband

I understand that the job and move has to happen and I have no issue on making that happen.

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Originally Posted by Rockydugan
...I do not make contact the om has text me and I am honesnt with my husband ...
A good start, but not good enough until you change your number so that OM has no way to text you. See, it's little or no comfort at all for your husband to hear that you didn't answer OM when he contacted you via text, because the mere idea of contact, and the uncertainty it aggravates, are deeply unsettling for a betrayed spouse -- especially to one who hasn't yet given up on saving the marriage.

Read the book "Surviving An Affair." Read in particular the section starting around page 70 about ending avenues of contact & taking other extraordinary precautions to guard against resumption of an affair.

You must be active in breaking the affair. Not passive. This means that you don't simply tell OM not to call or text or e-mail you, and hope that he complies. Instead, it means that you need to change your cell phone number, change your e-mail address -- in short, you need to take proactive steps to make if harder for OM to contact you. There is no excuse for leaving doors open by which OM can easily contact you, when it would be so easy for you to close those doors.

Consider:
(1) each contact will set you back in your progress toward withdrawing from the affair; and
(2) an end to contact is one of the most important ways by which you can begin to provide reassurance for your spouse about where your loyalty is today, and where your loyalty may be tomorrow -- about whether you're going "all-in" on the marriage or continuing to hedge your bets.

I remember when my wife said to me, "I need for you to never talk to her again." It had taken me a few weeks to "get" that. Take yourself a shortcut and "get" it now! You will be doing yourself and your husband each a favor. Change your number. Get it done by COB tomorrow.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Rocky,


When you were younger, you probably had a friend that you shared all of your deepest thoughts with. That friend probably felt like almost a part of you - someone who was nearly a second "you" - someone who thought like you did, shared your feelings, and you two were very very close. Do you remember someone like that in your youth? This person was most likely a person in your middle school or high school years.

That kind of closeness came from being open to sharing your feelings with that person - openly and honestly. That closeness developed out of a sense that the other person accepted you, and would accept your feelings and inner thoughts without negative reprisals. The way you developed that friendship was by giving that openness to the friend, and by also giving yourself to the friend in the same way.


Your marriage should be no different. In fact, it should be closer. You should be willing to open your most inner self to your husband, offer your deepest thoughts and feelings, your faults and strengths, your sins and wins, your fears and your victories to him. You should be able to ask him anything, and he should be able to ask you anything - and both of you should be able to know that your answers will be accepted by the other as an open and vulnerable honesty from the deepest soul.

That is what creates the bond between the two of you - and that is what keeps OTHER PEOPLE OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP. This is because you don't do this with anyone else. Only one person can really share this with you - and that one person should be your spouse. If you open yourself up to a person in this way, it must be your spouse.

You are asking how to "fix" what you have done? Start with this. Openness and honesty with your husband. Answer his questions, with all of your soul, because this is the only way you can reestablish what you want and need in your marriage


what you call "friendship"

what you two seem to have lost.

That seems to be missing between the two of you. Get it back by ripping that wall down between you. It has to start with you, and it has to start with you being open enough to trust that he isn't going to use this whole thing against you for the rest of your life.


He isn't, because he can't. He can't because once you start giving him that openness and honesty, the vulnerability, he will regain his deeper feelings for you


and he will slowly regain that friendship

and that trust


and ultimately, your marriage will rebuild.


And he won't want to damage what the two of you have rebuilt - because it will be better than what you had to begin with.



It wouldn't make sense to beat it down, would it????


Open yourself up, Rocky. It is your only path to recovery. Trust us.




Oh. By the way, ditch the loser who was willing to break up your marriage. Anyone who is willing to do that is not worth your friendship, let alone anything beyond that. Period.

SB


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[b][/b]
Originally Posted by schoolbus
Rocky,


When you were younger, you probably had a friend that you shared all of your deepest thoughts with. That friend probably felt like almost a part of you - someone who was nearly a second "you" - someone who thought like you did, shared your feelings, and you two were very very close. Do you remember someone like that in your youth? This person was most likely a person in your middle school or high school years.

No I never had that in my youth,I have never been the type to open up to people. I had the most to my husband relizing now still wan't open enough. Working on it tho, I really try to explain how I feel as best as I can.


That kind of closeness came from being open to sharing your feelings with that person - openly and honestly. That closeness developed out of a sense that the other person accepted you, and would accept your feelings and inner thoughts without negative reprisals. The way you developed that friendship was by giving that openness to the friend, and by also giving yourself to the friend in the same way.


Your marriage should be no different. In fact, it should be closer. You should be willing to open your most inner self to your husband, offer your deepest thoughts and feelings, your faults and strengths, your sins and wins, your fears and your victories to him. You should be able to ask him anything, and he should be able to ask you anything - and both of you should be able to know that your answers will be accepted by the other as an open and vulnerable honesty from the deepest soul.

I feel like along time ago we were very close to this but we were not talking to each other about all of our feelings.


That is what creates the bond between the two of you - and that is what keeps OTHER PEOPLE OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP. This is because you don't do this with anyone else. Only one person can really share this with you - and that one person should be your spouse. If you open yourself up to a person in this way, it must be your spouse.

You are asking how to "fix" what you have done? Start with this. Openness and honesty with your husband. Answer his questions, with all of your soul, because this is the only way you can reestablish what you want and need in your marriage


what you call "friendship"

what you two seem to have lost.

miss more than I can express truly meant the world to me!!!


That seems to be missing between the two of you. Get it back by ripping that wall down between you. It has to start with you, and it has to start with you being open enough to trust that he isn't going to use this whole thing against you for the rest of your life.


He isn't, because he can't. He can't because once you start giving him that openness and honesty, the vulnerability, he will regain his deeper feelings for you


and he will slowly regain that friendship

and that trust


and ultimately, your marriage will rebuild.


And he won't want to damage what the two of you have rebuilt - because it will be better than what you had to begin with.



It wouldn't make sense to beat it down, would it????


Open yourself up, Rocky. It is your only path to recovery. Trust us.

I thank you for this post--helping at a much needed time. I guess I am having a hard night.



Oh. By the way, ditch the loser who was willing to break up your marriage. Anyone who is willing to do that is not worth your friendship, let alone anything beyond that. Period.

SB
[color:#FF0000][/color]

Last edited by Rockydugan; 06/30/11 08:47 PM.
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Rocky,

The way to open up is to understand that other people are more broken than you are.


SB


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Rocky,

You ask how to help him heal?


Look at your own scars.

Tell him where they are, and what caused them.


Then, look at the scars YOU PUT ON HIS HEART.

Tell him why you put them there, how you did it, and what you plan to do to never do it again.


In that process, you will heal him, and yourself.


And through that you will also find that friendship you lost.


SB


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Hint:

Marriage Builders offers you the plan and the process to do this.


SB


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Second hint:


Kick the boyfriend out, and never talk to him again, in any way, shape, form, fashion or method again.

Ever.

Write your letter of no contact tonight, and you will begin to feel much better about yourself. I promise.


Next, call your parents and your husband's family, and apologize for being so stupid and having an affair. Post it publicly, on your Facebook, to let everyone know that you need their support in fixing the damage you have done to your marriage. Ask them to help you by no longer contacting your affair partner, no longer keeping tabs on him for you, and no longer updating you on his life or whereabouts. Let them know you wish to attempt to repair your marriage, and that you apologize to them for everything you have put them through.

And apologize publicly to your husband.

This won't be easy. But it is a start to repairing what you have done, and it will show your husband you are serious about making repairs for the damage you have done.


and regarding having to pay for the rest of your life?

We all pay, in one way or another, IF WE DO NOT LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES, IF WE DO NOT APOLOGIZE, IF WE DO NOW OWN WHAT WE HAVE DONE. So the sooner you do this, the quicker you will be moving past that more difficult part. In fact, people will be shocked that you own it and apologize for it. They will respect - yes, respect - you for it.

Then, call your husband and tell him you have apologized to the family.

Then, make your plans to move closer to your husband, because you cannot save this marriage from a distance. No excuses.


And, read this website and begin your changes for protecting your marriage from future affairs. Because you need to do this.


Look up "extraordinary precautions". Last hint.


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Originally Posted by Rockydugan
I did talk to the om yesterday an told
him how I felt an that I wanted him to move out
I guess I wasn't clear enough. Pack his stuff up and put it in the driveway. Tell him to GET OUT.

Do not discuss this with him. If you absolutely must, explain it this way: "Loser, I have realized that I am a MARRIED WOMAN who has been crawling into bed with ANOTHER MAN. I have realized that this is wrong. You have to leave now so that I can repair my marriage. Now leave, or I'll have to call the Police."


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

nesre #2524860 06/30/11 10:45 PM
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Originally Posted by nesre
All my W said was "Baby can we give us another try"

I was stunned. Up to this point in my own twisted mind I didn't even know she wanted me-us or the M or even cared.

I left the OWGF behind dead in the water and lived by myself for 3 months. During that time W and I started seeing each other again.

Point of my rambeling is if you want to give Strike a chance then jump in and hold nothing back. Follow this program as best as you can because you two would have the best chance possible to repair your M and possibly make it even better than before.

Get the OM out of your life...PERIOD ----> YOU take the knife and cut him out completely. No back and forth. Never see OM again.

I truely believe now that that one act of cutting out the OW blessed me with many more years of M. Another child. My dream of a boy and a girl were fullilled. Both normal happy and beautiful. Many many happy occasions that I will always be grateful for.

nESRE


Schoolbus laid out a plan beautifully for you.

I have no regrets at this point about the years of M I had with my W after this. We had no one guiding us but us. Didn't know about MB's until 2007.


Really take the plan laid out before you to heart.

I think this song really sums it up.



You two are in my prayers.

nESRE



M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011

Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
nesre #2524941 07/01/11 04:17 PM
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Well explained to my husband that I wanted to move where he was so we can start working on us an a new marriage expressed how important it was to me an why

he says that isn't what he wants
that he isn't ready for that

He is excited about his new life
ya know the one with out me in it

says sometimes he wants me but when he hurts he doesn't

I am not having a good day very emotional
I have tried talking to him all day but he keeps finding ways to be to busy
but I know he is avoiding me

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Rocky

Did you read ALL the posts above that Schoolbus posted last night?

She laid out A PLAN 4 YOU. The PLAN is not dependant on what S2 does or does not do. The plan is 4 YOU.

nESRE

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