Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 4 1 2 3 4
Tanam #2525993 07/07/11 09:01 AM
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
Tanam,

Thanks for your post over on AEK1's thread. I have been reading your thread but have not responded because I don't have any answers to your questions ...except give it time. And I imagine that people get pretty sick of hearing me say that.

I love your words "he is still a plonker but he is my plonker"
...yup that is my DH. He is really trying to do the right thing but sometimes he says things that make me wonder if he will ever "completely" get it.

Keep posting on your thread - I am reading (even if not responding) and I relate to all of what you say.

Cheers. ( I lived in the UK for many years but have since moved back to the mother country USA)


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
T
Tanam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
Oh that is good to hear, I sometimes wonder if I am so off beam thats why there are no responses!!

Yeah, WH (he still hasn't earned the F) still doesn't get it, won't look at MB stuff cos it's all just internet twaddle, but does follow it so long as I don't use the MB words, he still has his pity parties when he misses the vile Ginge although yes yes sees she is poison to our marriage.

He has finally agreed that he will consider changing his phone no, I don't even mention it now as I know his responses, but by not mentioning it, he now thinks he probably will change it.

It's not that big a deal, he has his own company, if she wanted to she can call work, it's a public number and he can hardly change that!!

He has agreed he will tell me if she contacts and we will decide what to do. After dday 30064, (no not really) he sent every text she sent to me and I responded, that really p***d her off, so I think he will.

I want him to loathe her like I do. I guess thats a way off yet.

Just this horrid feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. he says he will never leave me.......mmmmmm he said that for the last 5 years and I believe him. But that doesn't mean the same as I will never hurt you like this again, well not to me anyway.

Thanks for reading

Perhaps I should change my sig line to he's still a a plonker, but he's my plonker!


Me 50
WH 52
WH in A 6 yrs in total, last 5 yrs JGF (Not!)
DD final 1.12.10
NC letter sent 3.12.10

Working at being the best I can be, the rest is up to you.

He is still a plonker, but he is my plonker!
Tanam #2526284 07/08/11 12:04 AM
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
Originally Posted by Tanam
Oh that is good to hear, I sometimes wonder if I am so off beam thats why there are no responses!!

Hey Tanam

SHHH-Don't tell anybody I am here. Not sure If I am allowed to be over here! You were looking for somone to give you a kick in the rear...so here I am.



Does this mean he is only half heartingly appeasing you? Is this what you mean?

Yeah, WH (he still hasn't earned the F) still doesn't get it, won't look at MB stuff cos it's all just internet twaddle, but does follow it so long as I don't use the MB words,

Can you describe these? What besides the obvious sex he got from her does he miss about the OW?

he still has his pity parties when he misses the vile Ginge although yes yes sees she is poison to our marriage.


He has finally agreed that he will consider changing his phone no, I don't even mention it now as I know his responses, but by not mentioning it, he now thinks he probably will change it.

This is his personal cell is the one he is going to change I take it. Good idea. Have read on here many times after a long quiet stretch contact was made out of the blue. This would be easy if he has the same cell number. Too bad the work number couldn't disapear.

It's not that big a deal, he has his own company, if she wanted to she can call work, it's a public number and he can hardly change that!!

He has agreed he will tell me if she contacts and we will decide what to do. After dday 30064, (no not really) he sent every text she sent to me and I responded, that really p***d her off, so I think he will.


Quote
I want him to loathe her like I do. I guess thats a way off yet.




Your WH like my WW had cake for a long time. When I was WH I liked cake to. There is a certain rush about having your needs met by 2. Its the good old brain chemicals that tell us we likey this. Its the whole sheeebang. The planning, the almost got caught shared stories, how "good" your story was to get away and out of the house or why you were late. Sneaking lying and deception becomes an addictive type of game except that it can/does become your life and then you are hooked. You promise yourself no more-but-once again opportunity presents itself and your off and running.

Not quite sure how you get WH to see this. I believe this is why Dr. H tells us to become the best person we can be in Plan A. Become an expert at meeting our spouses EN's especially their top 3.

Plan A Is not meant for the BS as a way of life. At some point your WH needs to some of the heavy lifting in the M. Has WH done any of the heavy lifting?

The MB "Plans" have recommended time limits with them. Generally womans Plan A is way shorter than mens. I believe under one month is recommended. Then to Plan B. You have been from what I am reading in Plan A for quite some time now. I will see if I can find what is recommended and the reasoning behind this.


Not sure trying to get WH to feel like you do about Ginge at this point is a high priority. It sounds like you two have a lot of UA / RC and SF time working for you right now. Time may help hime to see how poisonous she was to your M.

Attempts by you to force the issue may appear to be viewed by him as spiteful and revengeful. Not good qualities for anyone.




Quote
Just this horrid feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. he says he will never leave me.......mmmmmm he said that for the last 5 years and I believe him. But that doesn't mean the same as I will never hurt you like this again, well not to me anyway.


A question for you to ponder-Does this rob you of enjoying the moment/present when you are with WH?

If WH does the status quoe and Tanam stays with him what is the motivation for him to do anything different?


Thanks for reading

Perhaps I should change my sig line to he's still a a plonker, but he's my plonker!

If you don't I am going to steal it!!

Please don't take offense to the qustions/comments. I only mean for you to question yourself and get stronger. Question your motives and behavior to help strengthen your M. Yea-Like I should be the one to talk. Gotta get outta here b4 someone sees me. See you on the other side. nESRE

Last edited by nesre; 07/08/11 11:24 PM.
nesre #2526576 07/09/11 12:36 AM
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
Chapter 13 SAA

But most affairs end the wrong way -- they die a natural death. Instead of taking control of the situation, and making a decision to end it, most unfaithful spouses continue in the relationship as long as possible. Affairs, however, don't usually last very long. I estimate that 95% of them don't last two years. Those few who eventually marry are extremely fragile -- much more likely to divorce than the average couple. So if an affair doesn't end the right way, it will almost always end, even if it's the wrong way.

If your unfaithful spouse is unwilling to end an affair the right way, I know of a way to help speed up its demise: Expose it. Your own family should know: Your parents, your siblings, and even your children. The family of your spouses lover should also know, especially the lover's spouse. The pastor of your church should be informed as well. Exposure of an affair is like opening a moldy closet to the light of day. Affairs do well when they're conducted in secret, but when they're in full view for all to see, they appear as they are -- incredibly foolish and thoughtless.

Even if exposure were to be ineffective in ending an affair, I'd recommend it anyway. The betrayed spouse needs as much support as possible, and exposure helps friends and relatives understand what's going on. Keeping an affair secret is no real help to anyone. But I've been amazed at how well it dismantles the illusion that affairs rest upon. Instead of assuming that the relationship is made in heaven, an unfaithful spouse quickly senses that it's a one-way ticket to hell on earth.

The first reaction of an unfaithful spouse to exposure is to try to turn the tables on the betrayed spouse. "I will never be able to forgive you for hurting me this way. Don't you ever think about how I'd be affected by this?" Of course, it's really the affair that hurts. The exposure simply identifies the source of the pain. The unfaithful spouse should be the one begging for forgiveness.

In spite of the suffering that an affair inflicts on a betrayed spouse, during this period of exposure he or she should try to make as many Love Bank deposits and as few withdrawals as possible. If you argue about the affair, you'll damage recovery. Insist on the unfaithful spouses complete separation from the lover (no contact for life), but don't fight about it. I call this strategy to end the affair Plan A.

If exposure itself doesn't end the affair immediately, my advice regarding what to do next is usually different for husbands and wives. I encourage husbands to try to stick to avoiding arguments and meeting their unfaithful wives' basic needs (Plan A) as long as possible (six months to a year). But I usually encourage wives to separate after about three weeks if their husband is still in contact with his lover. My experience has taught me that the health of most women deteriorates quickly and significantly while living with an unfaithful husband. Men, on the other hand, tend to be able to weather the storm longer with fewer emotional or physical effects. I call the strategy of complete separation Plan B.

Tanam

I know you have said in past posts Your relatively sure the A is dead. I get the feeling though your Plan A is still ongoing to some degree with you doing all the heavy lifting. The A did not really end correctly did it? Exposure in Plan A within a short time span. Seems like your giver has been working for a long time and still is. Longer than Dr.H recommends? I don't know what is recommended if this is the case. If I am reading wrong please correct me.

I've got a hat with a big letter F on it and sometimes I take it off to think wayward again. Don't like to do that for reasons you will see later.

Maybe I am wrong here.

Your WH thinks well Tanam didn't leave me when she knew i was having an A.

Hmmmph-Five years of knowing and Tanam didn't leave.
Now Tanam wants me to do all this physcobabble crap. I'll appease her just a little bit so we can get back to the status quoe.

This will blow over in a short time. Tanam hasn't left yet.

Yea I can treat her nice and behave. Tanam has treated me very nice as of late.

When we get to anything close to "dealing" with Just Good Friend I'll throw out a small promise of something she has been mentioning like Oh Yea I can change my cell number. (You brought that up to WH in Jan)

I (WH) won't rock her boat and all this will blow over
in a short tme.

Can't figure out after all this time why she is now upset that I had sex with someone other than her. Didn't seem to care before.

I'll just keep a low profile and eventually Tanam will cool down and be her "old self" again.

God I hope I don't have to go to a real MC and "deal" with this. It make ME feel so uneasy talking about feelings and having to make promises for change.

Did you notice the common theme?


It's all about WH and how HE feels about what HE may have to go through for something HE did not see as wrong. HE might have to actually do something substanstial


When is up to you.






Excuse me. I have to go take a shower using a wire brush and lye soap so I make sure to get all the wayward off me again. Thats why I don't take the hat off often!

nESRE

Last edited by nesre; 07/09/11 12:39 AM.
nesre #2526580 07/09/11 05:32 AM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
T
Tanam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
Thanks nESRE for your very considered responses.

1. Half hearted, no I don't think so, but very much in 'lets just get over it' mode rather than 'what can I do?' mode.
His is a doer not a talker and his actions are not in the slightest half hearted in that he's more present, interested in things that we do together things like that but feels that if we just get on with it we will be better than if we have to re hash all the old stuff.

Yeah I know that means he doesn't actually have to take responsibility for his action or accountability. But you can lead a horse to water...........

2. What did he get from Ginge?

It was always more EA than PA for him, he loved the attention, the opportunity to KISA as she was such a drama queen. She was a real friend and the first year of their affair before I knew was a brilliant summer when the 3 of us were so close. I just didn't know they were in another relationship too!!

So once I knew and was persuaded that they could just be friends, I hated it but enabled.

She began to be nastier and nastier towards me, and he always defended her making me feel like I was making a fuss about nothing.

So I worked on myself. Worked to improve the relationship, we started sleeping together, SF got lots better, life was good but for the elephant in the room, who occasionally got loose. I would kick off, yell and scream, cry and beg, demand and make threats. But every time I was convinced.

In retrospect I think he wanted always to recreate the summer we had. That was the high he was seeking, real cake eating. Not cake eating flavoured with guilt and anxiety.

Over the years she had become more demanding, he wasn't really wanting SF with her although obviously he did occasionally, but she wanted him to move in with her. He was always in love with me and had no wish to live with her, her daughter, her family and friends. He likes a quiet life!! We have almost always had a good sex life, and have always been good friends. He is the other half of my jigsaw and I am his. he just loved her too, but as a friend, he really didn't want or like all the drama!! Not after the first year.

He was under lots of pressure from all sides, he was in a mess, panic attacks and not sleeping, or sleeping all weekend.

So I ended it. I told him I was going. He was devastated and begged me to stay. After a week I agreed but she was to be gone.

NC letter written and I sent it.

I found MB!!

3.Phone, always been a kind of issue. But she has his work email, that can't be changed and if it was would still have to be public. She knows the company number. Yes ideally but it's less of an issue.

He is clear that there are no more chances. I will be fine on my own. He needs me, not the other way round.

4. Mostly I don't mention her, quickest way for her to die. I know as much as I need to know in terms of details, and more. The hurt is the betrayals by her. How I could not see what was going on, that she got closer and closer to me that summer and I don't know how she could look me in the eye.

That hurts.

So in terms of where we go. It's very much in his hands. If he wants the life we have, nice house, good income, peace, a good life with lots of fun. If he changes his mind, I will be sad, will miss him, but will be fine.

And it's that bit I don't like, that that makes it feel a bit temporary. I don't trust him not to make the mistake, cos I know he can't do it without there being an 'us'.

Sorry this is so long. but I like the way you make me analyse it for myself.

See you on the other side!



Me 50
WH 52
WH in A 6 yrs in total, last 5 yrs JGF (Not!)
DD final 1.12.10
NC letter sent 3.12.10

Working at being the best I can be, the rest is up to you.

He is still a plonker, but he is my plonker!
nesre #2526583 07/09/11 05:53 AM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
T
Tanam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
Can't figure out after all this time why she is now upset that I had sex with someone other than her. Didn't seem to care before.

I'll just keep a low profile and eventually Tanam will cool down and be her "old self" again.

God I hope I don't have to go to a real MC and "deal" with this. It make ME feel so uneasy talking about feelings and having to make promises for change.

Did you notice the common theme?


It's all about WH and how HE feels about what HE may have to go through for something HE did not see as wrong. HE might have to actually do something substanstial


When is up to you.


Oh That was brilliant!! Yes it is all about him.

If I do bring it up, just talking not AO ing he still gets all defensive and 'oh look what you have done, you've gone and got me all churned up again and it will take me days to get over it now'

Yep blame shifting.

And yes, Tanam was very bothered that he had sex with someone else, she kicked off royally and the HB lasted months, 18 or so!! Sex with Ginge wasn't great, ours is!! since DDay 1 it has been brilliant, before that it wasn't so good......maybe cos he was getting it elsewhere and I was having difficulties with work and was very stressed at the time.

He is in IC which is doing him good though he will not discuss any of the issues that he is discussing, but thats fine IC is supposed to be confidential. I am also a counsellor and have my own IC.

It's my job in our relationship to keep the peace and when I do the carrot is that we are great together.

So in many ways by doing as he says, move on, sweep it under the carpet, leave it alone, we have the relationship we both want. It's warm, loving, fun, happy.

No one would imagine the turmoil I get sometimes as the rollercoaster lurches down a section without warning.

There may come a time when we can to MC but it will not be through here or the Harleys explicitly. But we use the principals of POJA and POProtection as much as possible.

Life is full with full time work, a spiritual life that involves Reiki healing, family, friends, horses, cats, supporting a theatre group, shopping, so much good stuff and this wound that isn't healing as fast as I want it to........

and I'm not sure what else he or I can do to make it better.

Again sorry it's so long


Me 50
WH 52
WH in A 6 yrs in total, last 5 yrs JGF (Not!)
DD final 1.12.10
NC letter sent 3.12.10

Working at being the best I can be, the rest is up to you.

He is still a plonker, but he is my plonker!
Tanam #2526636 07/09/11 11:04 AM
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
Quote
So I ended it. I told him I was going. He was devastated and begged me to stay. After a week I agreed but she was to be gone.

NC letter written and I sent it.


Tanam,

Did you write this letter? Was WH on board with this at all at the time?

Trust me Tanam your responses are helping me.

The common theme here we have is our mates had LTA's and blame shift big time. Appears You and I wont accept that any more. We see it for the BS (not betrayed spouse!) it is. Not that our situationss are the same. The behavior we recieve(d) is the same in ways.

Tanam's WH=Just Good Friend

nESRE's WW=We are just drinking buddies. When I am sober I don't see Baldo. WOW that was always reassuring--->NOT

Our mates just want to forgive and forget and move on.

We found MB's after WE made lots of mistakes in our marriages with our mates. I had many Lovebusters when I arrived at the door here I had to resolve.


Tanam I will be blunt here with what I see

. We came to this board in the middle of a long term mess with trying to implement what our "Best thinking" or intuition. advice from others, or knowledge told us to do.

Dr.H is clear there is a narrow path to recovery of the M and any deviation from the MB's plan may not give us the desred results Examples-NO Restration of love/just compensation/extrtodinary precautions. The MB;s plans when followed correctly have this in place for protecting or rebuilding an A proof M. We need these in the M to be safe. My WW doesn't want anything to do with any plan of any type. How do you deal with that? I would never and did not feel safe in the M.

UMMM you eventually don't. Hence my situation and the direction I chose to take..

IMHO the key word to the above paragraph is "Recovery". Recovery = M Affair proofed by the steps through the Good DR's plans.

I knew in my situation that the plans for any type of MR would have a snowballs chance in H of being implemented unless she quit drinking. That was the underlying problem with the M. I was a willing participant in WW's abuse to me by sitting on the plans and not acting on them with the speed required. I got caught up in the drinking binges and sidtracked.

MY boudaries were weak. How are yours doing?

I failed at following the plan as outlined. Had i been able to keep an airtight Plan B maybe the result would have been different.....Hence the results I got and moving to PR instead of MR.

I'm happy your M is better than pre A. It sounds like you 2 do have a lot of good things going in your life. Living by MB principles will and appears to have had a ripple affect on your WH. Dr. H's plans are not to have ripple affect.

Not sure IMO you will get to the point where you truely feel M is A proofed unless he climbs on board whole heartingly. WH is really in no position just to sit there with little effort. You are as the BS. WH needs to meet the EP's and JC to show the M is A proofed. With you doing all the heavy lifting all the way through WH gets the rewards of your M without really doing anymore than what is required to stay with you in your M.

nESRE

nesre #2526857 07/10/11 08:11 AM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
T
Tanam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
Thanks nESRE

I really appreciate the time you have taken.

OK NC letter, sent before I got here but during the nightmare 2 weeks, he said that he had always agreed with Ginge that the only way they would finally end it was with an email.

So I wrote the basis of the letter, he edited it, I approved it and I emailed to all her accounts including her work one.

The letter wasn't quite MB but in retrospect it wasn't far off. It didn't acknowledge his selfishness to me, rather to her in that they couldn't be what the other wanted, ie he wanted a friend she wanted my life. But it did say that he wished he had ended it years ago.

Anyway following that all contact she tried to make he sent to me and I responded which seriously ticked her off. Everything at that point was very O&H.

Oh yes I see the similarities in our situations, but also the differences.

I think though that we both had 2 separate things to deal with instead of just the A, I had the fact I was s**T on by 2 people who I thought cared about me, you had the alcohol.

Double Whammy on both counts!!

The MB;s plans when followed correctly have this in place for protecting or rebuilding an A proof M. We need these in the M to be safe. My WW doesn't want anything to do with any plan of any type. How do you deal with that? I would never and did not feel safe in the M.

I have been thinking about the stuff needed to make me feel safe and to be honest I really don't see what else he could do. A lot of them are just my own fears and some are rational and others not.

The phone thing.....maybe but like I said he's got public details.

Mainly I need to be able to trust that he realises the damage it did and he has said this, and will, as he has promised, tell me if she gets through and together we decide what to do.

I can't police him, and really have no wish to, and I also take into account the fact that the last 2 years or so of his relationship with her was making him ill with stress. Too much pressure for him from all sides. He's better now generally so I think I would notice any change.

Boundaries......mine are rock solid, any contact initiated by him and I start a whole new exciting life, possibly in India!!

I'm happy your M is better than pre A. It sounds like you 2 do have a lot of good things going in your life. Living by MB principles will and appears to have had a ripple affect on your WH. Dr. H's plans are not to have ripple affect.

No they are not, but also I have learned that I can only change myself.

I am not sure what else could make it better, a new A?? no I don't see that for him, starting up this one again......his choice.

The ripple effect is good, my behaviour is changing and that in turn is changing his.


Just MHO

You see while I really like MB and many of it's tennants, support and this site, I see this as CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) which is brilliant, is what AA and AlAnon are also about, ie change the thinking patterns and change the behaviour. I know thats simplistic but.....
and it has great results with addicts, hence why it works with affairs as well as with drink and drugs.

I have always worked in my practice and my life on understanding the Why of behaviour. And in my case as there was no addiction to her left, it was his sense of responsibility and good guy that stopped him ending it because of the drama that she would cause, I feel that bashing away with CBT isn't the best way for us at the moment.

He needs to feel safe with me too, as much as I need to feel safe. He needs to see that I can meet his needs and he can meet mine given the chance, and I don't see MB counselling or steps to follow being something he would do.

I also don't see what MC would offer for now as he is still in that defense mode and needs to stop doing me me me!!

In terms of doing more I don't think he can or there is much more he could do, given he finds talking about emotions hard.

It is so useful to get a boy point of view on the WH issue, I loved your post when you put the hat on!!

Your WW clearly will not be able to get her life back on track in any way while she is still drinking, it's hardly rocket science and it seems that your boundaries were pretty strong much of the time. Now it's up to her.

Is the door open to her in any way if she cleans up her side of the fence??

Blessings


Me 50
WH 52
WH in A 6 yrs in total, last 5 yrs JGF (Not!)
DD final 1.12.10
NC letter sent 3.12.10

Working at being the best I can be, the rest is up to you.

He is still a plonker, but he is my plonker!
Tanam #2526916 07/10/11 12:34 PM
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
Tanam

Quote
In retrospect I think he BD wanted always to recreate the summer life we had + OM once in a while . That was the high he BD was/is? seeking, real cake eating. Not cake eating flavoured with guilt and anxiety.


Bingo. The guilt and anxiety were an unwanted bi-product of the A.

Thanks

nESRE

nesre #2526919 07/10/11 12:49 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
T
Tanam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
yep, I don't believe for a second he ever wanted me to hurt but I think he was trying to recreate the summer when the 3 of us were close.

That was the summer when he was enjoying cake, following me knowing, it was stale cake but the addiction meant he was always seeking that high again.

Me kicking off and hurting were also unwanted by products of the affair.

And he got stuck in a deep and dark place where no one was happy.

As for your own BD, yes I think she probably was trying to recreate the life you had, but you really can't do that when you are off your face on booze and OM.

Glad I could be of some help to you, you are helpin me plenty!!


Me 50
WH 52
WH in A 6 yrs in total, last 5 yrs JGF (Not!)
DD final 1.12.10
NC letter sent 3.12.10

Working at being the best I can be, the rest is up to you.

He is still a plonker, but he is my plonker!
Tanam #2526924 07/10/11 01:01 PM
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
Quote
Double Whammy on both counts!!


No doubt different but still double whammy.



Quote
I can't police him, and really have no wish to, and I also take into account the fact that the last 2 years or so of his relationship with her was making him ill with stress. Too much pressure for him from all sides. He's better now generally so I think I would notice any change.


If he had stress and anxtiety at the end before this would come back fast should contact start unknown to you. It would hit him hard and fast.


Quote
Boundaries......mine are rock solid, any contact initiated by him and I start a whole new exciting life, possibly in India!!



Good for you.


Quote
It is so useful to get a boy point of view on the WH issue, I loved your post when you put the hat on!!


I don't do that often. Only found the wire brush and lye soap in the shower begins to take off the waywardness!


Quote
Is the door open to her in any way if she cleans up her side of the fence??


Sobriety first. WW would have to make life about alcohol recovery and live it for me to consider at this point even being friends. I will do what i can to stay in Plan B for a while so I find life other than what it used to be. Tried to get the Order for protection in place because that would have stood for 2 years with me having the control of her being in my life or not.

Since the decision probably empowered her I can be civil when she completes treatment now. Have the house for sale. When it sells I will move to my on apt/house? not sure and then I can continue Plan B if I chose to. As it is right now I would have to take her to family court w/lawyer and big $$ to keep her out of the house.

I call her BD because she just bull dozes in and has had no respect for boundries in the past. I don't see that changing. Very entitled mentality. Letsd see-I pay her support + child support and she lives here and DD lives here + nESRE pays all the bills. Only way to get away from the connection is to sell and me move.

The M is gone so we would have to start out over and I would be gaurded until I see WW's actions.


I like your sig.

nESRE

Tanam #2528232 07/15/11 07:23 AM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
T
Tanam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
Update:

Life is good.

We are both continuing to be gentle with each other and aware of each others feelings, perhaps me more than him, but I have over the last 2 weeks seen a real change.

Maybe he is finally coming out of the fog, maybe he is finally realising just how close he came to loosing me.

Maybe I am just in a stronger place and more able to look at him rather than my own hurt. I don't know but somehow, his hugs feel more real, his kisses more aware. He sends thoughtful and praising texts occasionally and I am learning to tell him how much I love those, rather than demand them.

Things are also very busy with a houseful of young adults who are performing in our local festival, their energy is very beneficial to both of us. We are both busy with work, but both have jobs we enjoy and certainly mine fills my needs for admiration, his I think for approval.

so the rollercoaster is on a quiet stretch for now. Thats good and I'm enjoying it. There may well be more twists and turns, but the peaceful stretches give me strength for the ups and downs.

I did have to work in the office next door to Ginge yesteday. It's a 2 hour drive away so only an occasional issue. I did get myself in a bit of a twist driving there and wondering if I would see her. I didn't and am glad cos the temptation to say something would have been huge and very damaging to me and WH as it may have given her the excuse to call him.

so disaster averted!!

Onwards and upwards!


Me 50
WH 52
WH in A 6 yrs in total, last 5 yrs JGF (Not!)
DD final 1.12.10
NC letter sent 3.12.10

Working at being the best I can be, the rest is up to you.

He is still a plonker, but he is my plonker!
Tanam #2528266 07/15/11 09:57 AM
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
Good job Tanam,

staying in control of the plan is the best plan of attack.......
just concentrate on the relationship you have with your husband and nothing else....it is the only thought that matters....and the only action that matters......
stay on track, glad to hear all is well and progressing nicely........
jessi


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
Tanam #2528446 07/16/11 12:02 AM
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
Originally Posted by Tanam
Update:

Life is good.

We are both continuing to be gentle with each other and aware of each others feelings, perhaps me more than him, but I have over the last 2 weeks seen a real change.

Maybe he is finally coming out of the fog, maybe he is finally realising just how close he came to loosing me.

Maybe I am just in a stronger place and more able to look at him rather than my own hurt. I don't know but somehow, his hugs feel more real, his kisses more aware. He sends thoughtful and praising texts occasionally and I am learning to tell him how much I love those, rather than demand them.

Things are also very busy with a houseful of young adults who are performing in our local festival, their energy is very beneficial to both of us. We are both busy with work, but both have jobs we enjoy and certainly mine fills my needs for admiration, his I think for approval.

so the rollercoaster is on a quiet stretch for now. Thats good and I'm enjoying it. There may well be more twists and turns, but the peaceful stretches give me strength for the ups and downs.

I did have to work in the office next door to Ginge puke puke

Hope you took a double shower when you got home after being that close!


yesteday. It's a 2 hour drive away so only an occasional issue. I did get myself in a bit of a twist driving there and wondering if I would see her. I didn't and am glad cos the temptation to say something would have been huge and very damaging to me and WH as it may have given her the excuse to call him.

so disaster averted!!

Onwards and upwards!

Just wanted to pop by and see how you are. Looks like you two may be getting to a good place with R.

Makes me smile to hear that the coaster is on a steady ride at the moment. Hope it stays that way with smooth ups and downs!


Totally overloaded with life this week so haven't been on much.

nESRE


M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011

Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
nesre #2528907 07/18/11 04:21 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
T
Tanam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
Jess and nESRE

Thank you both so much for your words of encouragement. It does help when someone take the time to comment, keeps me on track!!

It's surprising how much easier it's getting, he still doesn't really know about MB, it's not worth the conversation but he's still on board with us getting better and the more I meet his needs, the more he meets mine, so I want to meet his ...........and so on. We haven't spent as much time together this last week, or at least not alone and we have both said we missed it, although we have had a great time with the local festival and a house full of young adults!

I still think about stuff, mainly about how insane the fogbabble was and how I bought it for so long, but it somehow seems more ....at a remove, I don't have the same feelings associated with it. Maybe I am healing a bit more all the time.

I also notice that I dont wake up thinking about it all any more.....thats odd too! It's been so much a part of me for so long...........

Yes nESRE I did feel horrid just knowing I was parking in the same car park, even though I didn't see her car, and working in the next office building was way way too close.

Still with a bit of a wiggle I won't have to train there for a good while, my boss knows and is understanding!

How are things with you? Update??

There seem to be a lot of people over there who are dealing with the same LTA thoughts feelings and issues ..... I learn a lot form your posts, so thank you again


Me 50
WH 52
WH in A 6 yrs in total, last 5 yrs JGF (Not!)
DD final 1.12.10
NC letter sent 3.12.10

Working at being the best I can be, the rest is up to you.

He is still a plonker, but he is my plonker!
Tanam #2529604 07/21/11 07:26 AM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
T
Tanam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
OK a question that I think I know the answer to but.....

Last week I had to work near to Ginge's work, and then Tuesday had to drive through her town, twice.

It's set me off down trigger street!!

I still have this sense that although life is good currently, that I am waiting for the other shoe to fall, he could be back in contact with her without me knowing. Work email work phone and no there is no way I can monitor there or anyway his numbers and contact details can be made unavailable. It's his company!

Yes i know that I would likely notice a difference in him and he is doing all he can to be loving, supportive, make time together, SF etc etc. But but but

I wonder how much of this is just normal stuff that takes time?

Anyway.....the question.

I really want to send Ginge an email telling her that any time she lets me have evidence that he has contacted her, she is welcome to all the left overs. That I will walk away.

I kinda think that would ensure that if there is contact she would then let me know cos she wants him, and I want nothing to do with him if he does decide to start lying and cheating again.

I simply can't do that again.

It just wanders round and round in my head. He knows the deal but if he gets foggy again, he is stupid enough to think he can et away with it.

Equally tho, NC means NC and and that should be for both of us. Her H has stopped responding to my texts and I know he has checked out of their marriage so I don't feel I have any spies in her camp now.

Ramblings I know but ideas or thoughts welcomed!


Me 50
WH 52
WH in A 6 yrs in total, last 5 yrs JGF (Not!)
DD final 1.12.10
NC letter sent 3.12.10

Working at being the best I can be, the rest is up to you.

He is still a plonker, but he is my plonker!
Tanam #2529605 07/21/11 07:37 AM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 52
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 52
I sure wouldn't contact her, not for any reason! It's very unhealthy, and NC is certainly for you too. You'd actually be challenging her to contact your H! It's the last thing you want! No no no!!!!!!!
If you're obsessed with whether he could still be cheating, rev up the snooping.

Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
Contacting her will just give you triggers.

Also if she knows you will leave him, should they be in contact again, what reason would OW have to be honest if WH is in NC?


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 851
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 851
Originally Posted by itsmeagain
I sure wouldn't contact her, not for any reason! It's very unhealthy, and NC is certainly for you too. You'd actually be challenging her to contact your H! It's the last thing you want! No no no!!!!!!!
If you're obsessed with whether he could still be cheating, rev up the snooping.


Is there anyone else - other than OWH, if he's not responding to you - who could exert some pressure on Ginge or keep an eye on her? Her parents, maybe? (I'm sorry if you already addressed this and I missed this in your earlier thread)

As far as work, what are some EPs that can be put in place there? I work in a secure environment. H has my password to voice mail - in fact, it's the same as I use for cell phone voice mail so he can call in and check that whenever he wanted. I have to change my work email password every 30 days because of security restrictions, and he did have it while he lived at home (since he's moved out I've had to change it again but if he asked for it he could have it). I also leave my work laptop accessible since some communication took place using it (like if I've gone on a trip I'll just leave it sitting around the house; also the last couple of vacations we've taken I'll take it and leave it where he can get to it).

That doesn't address everything re: work, but way back in either my thread or my H's thread another poster addressed ways of making each other part of our work day/work environment. Frequent calling and texting, coming by for visits (unannounced is definitely OK if you suspect anything, too), going to lunch together, etc. Heck, I've heard of FWS's who have put webcams in their offices so the BS can see them at any time.

I'd say the biggest problem with work is simply that there is the possibility for holes in EPs to exist - unless you are together 24/7. I'd try to think of ways the two of you can POJA ways for you to feel safe about what he's doing at work.


FWW

"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
T
Tanam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
Hi

Thanks for the quick responses,

Yes I think I really knew the answer, just needed to put it out there. It's not possible to spend any of the work days together as we both work a way away from home, him 20 mins in one direction, me all over the county but usually about an hour away so a lunch date would take a total of 3 hours, hardly possible. His work email is never accessed from home, he says it's not possible and I have seen him frustrated about that!

I haven't exposed to her father (mother died a week after NC started and other than her telling H there was no other contact). It hardly felt appropriate to contact her dad at that point and Ginge's H was against it too. I don't know her sisters married name and Ginge never had a FB page. So no one really to keep an eye her end other than her H.

I have no reason to suspect, it's just a big hole that refuses to shut up.

Guess it's just one of those breathe things!!

But if he was in contact and she sent me the evidence.....so it's not really a case of her being honest, just showing evidence.

But yes yes I get NC is NC and that has to be both of us in order for us to continue to recover. And no I won't do anything to give her any excuse to contact WH. He is far too weak willed not to respond.

He has promised any contact from her and he will show me and we will together decide on any response. I am really not sure what else he could do, it's all about not being able to trust him!!

Aghhh



Me 50
WH 52
WH in A 6 yrs in total, last 5 yrs JGF (Not!)
DD final 1.12.10
NC letter sent 3.12.10

Working at being the best I can be, the rest is up to you.

He is still a plonker, but he is my plonker!
Page 3 of 4 1 2 3 4

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,027 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5