Had to add in this, I was one of those who didn't have a bad marriage either. People actually envied us. We had a good life. We'd built our dream home, and had a beautiful young child, and life was good.


But it wasn't exciting enough for my xwh. That is all it was in the end. It was never about our marriage. It was all about him. Chalk him up to one of the numerous narcissistic waywards we encounter here on MB.

thanks Scotty, sleeping and eating much bettter. It is an effort but my number one priority of the day which I am hoping will help.

Peachy you are quite the inspiration to me. I think its amazing how you have moved on. I am sure I can too, but it's quite the job imagining it sometimes.

Came into work today with a real 'can do' attitude. Have been told though that I might have to work on my anniversary which isNot what I wanted to hear. Aside from wanting to treat myself, I hate having a rubbish day at work when I don�t do well. I have no idea what kind of state I�m going to be in on the day and if I screw up or am constantly chasing my tail because I feel down, I�m going to feel worse than I did. Work are sympathetic but I left it too late and other people are booked off. It�s possible I may still get it off, but its not likely. The only thing I can think to do is to take extra good care of myself between now and then. Make great plans for that evening and something to look forward to the following weekend. Get ahead in my work before Wednesday (the anniversary ) so that the day is easier for me. Also I will probably show up earlier, looking fresher, better and even more professional than usual. However while these plans look good on paper, I don�t want to overestimate myself.

So one of the managers comes up to me this afternoon and says "your hols - are you ready to negotiate?'

I just smiled straight off. Love the word negotiate - it always means that someone is LISTENING to you.

Anyway I can have the anniversary off and the next day too after all. I just need to make it up elsewhere in the week and make sure I take care of some things before Wednesday.

This was tough for my work to arrange for me as so many people have left recently. Yet they did when it would have been easier to just not care about how I was and do what was best for them.

If people who I dont even have a personal relationship with are willing to do this for me, why wouldn't my own husband just negotiate with me?

Feel better today, feels like the start of an upswing.

OK this is practically an essay but I keep getting stalled and don't know what to do about it.

One thing I keep circling around in my head is Valentine's Day this year, which is also my birthday. He always makes a huge deal about it and makes me feel very special usually.

This year, he was harping on about the fight we'd had at christmas a lot in the run up to my birthday. He made me feel incredibly guilty about it all. Said he couldnt move on from things he'd heard me say.

He said he was going to visit his godparents for a week (they live in the US, in michigan) just before my birthday to straighten things out in his head. I supported this as he is really close to them and they are a good influence on him. I felt that since losing his best friend and someone to talk to, he was letting things get out of perspective and on top of him.

Just before he left he told me that the way he felt meant he might not come back. When I dropped him off at the airport I was in floods of tears which made him hold me very close and be very affectionate.

We were in touch a lot while he was away, and we were really connecting over the phone. He was supposed to come back a few days before my birthday. However on the 7th, I got this email from him about how he would now be coming home the day before my birthday. "You ok, hope so. You may shout at me - I've changed my flight so get home on Sunday now. Seemed a waste to rush back if not in work, so thought the extra few days would be good. More fuel to those who say I aint any good I guess.

Hope your day's going ok at least. If I get out and about later will call you tonight"

Now I am imagining that he changed the days so he could spend the day before valentines day with her.... you know, come back early, get a hotel near the airport and have their own valentines day sort of thing.

He may have been with her the entire time....

He freaked when I suggested meeting him at the gate on his return and wouldnt give me his flight number. I got very specific instructions to pick him up outside the airport.

The thing is, I know obsessing about this stuff is pointless but I am so tempted to call his godmother up and ask her when he left them.

I need to leave it be. I keep dipping my hands in the sewerage of the affair to see just how dirty the water is. Pointless. I know enough.

Is it really any worse/better that had a valentines with her than the fact he took her to a fancy country hotel in cheshire just because it was a Wednesday?

I need a mantra or something. It doesnt matter WHAT that cake-eater did. Anything he did do was just about getting cake...

When he was single and sane he chose me as the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

He got himself into the fog where a dumpy vindictive woman he had always hated flattered him into submission

He needs to get himself out of his own mess. I need to concentrate on me.

Hi Indie,

Yup, all those bits of jigsaw pieces are fitting into place, having to re write memories, finding triggers we didn't think would trip us up.

In a while you will be able to recognise them as just that, triggers, notice them and let them go. Seems like your brain is going round and round in circles.

Keep the focus on you, you are an amazing, strong and beautiful woman who he was stupid enough and selfish enough to damage.

My plonker in a bit of a sniff the other day said 'it's all about you, you always need to be the centre of attention'

6 months ago that would have sent me into a spiral......today....I can just smile and think that he is just projecting, after all it was him who needed to be the centre of 2 womens world for years!! (Mmmmm who was it needs to be the centre of attention?)

Just to show that the hurt does subside, you will be occasionally blindsided for a while but like any bereavement, you have to get through the first year and all the anniversaries.

You can't change the past, you can't change him, you can only change yourself and today.

((((hugs))))

Yea hindsight is 20/20 indie
I have reconstructed many things from the past also, that just affirm more details of what I allready knew in my heart
Some of my long time suspicions were confirmed, and still I discovered more garbage

My advice is get while the gettings good, and find a way to think about something else. You can do that you know , it is your mind, he has lost his place in your life

The managing memories thread by mark may help, but cheer up, you at least don't have to listen to the lies and pouting anymore

What a softhead softlad is

Yeah hopefully. A week or so ago the pain was so bad I couldnt see where it started and were it ended. Now the pain is still big, still heavy, but I can grab each side and handle it.



Agreed!

Focus on me........

That's a snappy, easy to remember mantra, wouldn't you say?

I think I will feel a whole lot better once I get moving with my me plans.

I dont have to leave for work tomorrow until 1pm so I am going to spend the morning on the phone to the bank.

I will get some info on how much the mortgage payments would be should I buy him out, then I can put the offer to him

I sent a FB message today to an old friend of mine who works on cruise ships. Hoping she can guide me in some good choices. The last thing I need after all this is to land on a floating he11 for a couple months after what Ive been through.

Im dropping by on my bro and SiL tomorrow too. I need him to help me paint the house ready for renters. She is a big Harry Potter fan so going to make plans with her to see the new one.

BUSY busy busy.

It's very good to keep busy. It will keep you on your Plan ME. Keep it up.

You sound like you are doing all of the right things. Don't be too hard on yourself when you have some bad days, I am still having some, although they come much less often.

Ok, its 20 minutes into my 10th wedding anniversary,

I feel pretty good. Have done for a couple of days.

So I have a luxury pedicure and a massage booked for tomorrow before dinner at my favourite restaurant, just me and my mum.

It's funny but I am feeling myself drift quite a lot from the very entwined, in love feeling I have had to my h for 15 years.

I had thought at first the only options would either be to intensely love or hate him - who knew?

I know I would be super tough if recovery became an option.

Its giving me the perspective to see his serious character flaws, which I excused, as well as his strong points. This insight could form a list a conditions at some point, but theres no point thinking along those lines now.

Getting very good at redirecting thoughts to me and my life from here.

All I hope for is the opportunity to grow, to meet a good man who truly loves me, whether it is him or someone else, who knows?

I am going to get some beauty sleep now, ready for my day of fun tomorrow.

And hug your mum for me too. She is a good egg.

There are gonna be some tough moments for you these next few months, but this one was YOURS. You are going through this with your head held high. Good job.

We are all here for you, and we all understand. My anni will be on Sep 20th, 14 years it would have been. I wonder what I will do.....hmmm you have me thinking now too.

Had a lovely time yesterday, wasnt nearly so hard as Id imagined.

My mum got a hug from me and a hug from scotty, which made her laugh.

My dad joined us for a drink after dinner and I want their marriage someday. I always did.

They have a totally integrated life, they negotiate on the run, they POJA everything. They go to bed laughing together every night.

Why didnt I insist my marriage be run the same way?

For two very bad reasons.

1) It was difficult to get him to see the necessity and I wasnt firm about it. To be honest I was lazy.

2) I wanted girls nights out and girls weekends away and to put my career first. So I let him have independent behaviour too. I was selfish.

Ah well. Live and learn.

Your mom liked my good ol Canadian hug.

I am glad that you're anni went better than you expected but that was only because it was well planned for and you were ready for whatever was going to be thrown at you. Good work

You know what standard you are going to set for your next relationship and that can be with your WH or without him. And in the end it will be your decision because you have the power.

Thanks Scotty, I really won't settle for anything less....

What also really helps is that when I know I have a great advice source ahould the time come when I need to make those difficult decisions!!

Whoever could you mean?

Im not sure if this is plan B thinking exactly, as im not supposed to be thinking about softlad.

But I am to be honest, at least I am thinking about my boundaries and what it would take to get me back in the marriage.

Some of these boundaries would also apply to indiehusband #2 if such a person is in my destiny

So,

No overnight trips away from each other
(softlad would go spare over this b/c he goes to vegas for a long weekend every year. I too like my girlie trips, but out they go)

Agrees to give away season ticket for football games and to give up going out to watch the game in the pub
(Football - or soccer! - takes up his entire weekend sometimes and the money we would need for our UA time)

As above for his pool team night, so I would need to give up my dance class.

No opposite sex friends

No flirting, inappropriate behaviour, personal conversations with members of opposite sex.

Complete transparency with email passwords bank accounts, phones etc
(very difficult, such a 'private person')

Complete transparency about our lives and histories. No more secrets. (His finances are a mystery, I have glossed my personal history a bit and I know he has a huge secret in his childhood he wont tell me about)

Forgives and apologises to his brother who he hasnt spoken to for 15 years for calling him a liar
(To earn forgiveness you need to first show you have a clue what it means. This is something I can't ever see him agreeing to though.)

An agreement that we want children in the next five years.
(If he honestly doesnt want children, fine, but Im not sacrificing myself to that lifestyle.)

An agreement to POJA all decisions

An agreement to spend 25 hours a week giving each other our undivided attention; no TV, mobile phone, no other people.

A commitment that he will POJA a bedtime with me and come upstairs with me rather than letting me go up alone.

A joint bank account where we make joint decisions about all spending. Our money is joint and 'ours' not 'his and hers'

That we have at least four weekends away a year plus an annual holiday

That we kickstart the recovery with a three week break (no excuses about job allowing him time blah blah blah)

That we do MB counselling

That he posts on here for feedback and advice for the first year of recovery at least.

That he owns up to and admits the infidelity to family members and apologises to everyone he has hurt.

Is this tough enough? I think its too tough. I would want to see some enthusiasm and some of it being his own idea.....

Tough only if you are not seriuos about marriage and what it should be. Realistic if you want to be married

my .02

I don't think it's too tough at all.

It's okay to think about these sorts of things while in Plan B. It is a must, as far as I'm concerned.

Now, about pool and dance, could you guys do these activities together? Even football(I don't like American football anyways, I never got into it) could become something you two do together.