That is fear talking.

Are you taking any prescription anti anxiety anti depression medications?
You may need to ask your MD for something.
You need a clear head to be strategic.


Contact your physician and ask for medical help if you are actually having a nervous breakdown.
You have 2 small kids to attend.
You need to be clear headed.

I am on meds, it just hurts. Took a xanax and I am calmer. Spoke with my attorney and feel better, we will probably counter file based on adultery to make sure I get alimony. In shock I guess.
It just makes me so sad he wants to end it.
I will be put back together by the time I pick them up.
This is the final knock out blow....Affair beats family! Winning!

Calm down, take a deep breath and relax. It is a blow to you, but it doesn't change much for your sitch right now anyways. There have also been people who have saved their marriages moments from divorce, and one poster, Johstwin, who was actually remarried to her FWH. I know that any of these things are not something that you want to deal with. You need to think with a clear head.

Please, don't break Plan B again. It will only show your WH that you aren't serious about what you have said and if he does things that antagonize you, you will break Plan B and talk to him. Don't let him have that satisfaction.

You can do this Mason, we're all behind you.

I did get a typical wayward response when I asked him if he really wanted this divorce, he said he did not know. I was listening to Dr. harley's radio program yesterday in the archive and he did state that 95% of all affairs end. It gives you false hope. I was pretty good this morning. God, I want my life back. So many of us on this board do not want divorce, after everything our waywards put us through. This will be and is a tough ride.

I have not posted in awhile. Divorce is on hold, broke plan B and started talking again, which was nice. I felt like I was in Plan A. Asked him last night if he was still seeing her. He said yes I asked him again if he wanted a divorce, again I got I do not know. Then he said it sounded like I was done... Really??? It was the type of conversation when I woke up this monring thinking did that really happen. I have to move back to Plan b. Feel safer there. I have been upset all day. It is true I feel like my clock is set back to ZERO. I have been beating myself up all day for even having the conversation with him. I never should have left Plan b, but I thought maybe us talking again would be good. Not so much. I felt like calling my attorney this morning. I did not. Need to my emotions in check and crawl back into my bubble. I feel like their affair is never going to end. I keep thinking in my mind that there is trouble in fantasy land, apparently not. I think that is what upset me so much.

mason, did you ever hear Dr Harley speak about Plan C? That is the plan you are in right now. It stands for "compromise" and is the most likely to lead you to divorce. See, as long as he can continue to speak to you at will and keep you strung along, he can continue to pursue his affair in peace. Not only is he assured you will be sitting there waiting, but you serve an important purpose in his affair: a common enemy. As long as they have that, they can keep the focus on their own putrid selves.

Every time you talk to him, you help the OW, in other words. But you hurt yourself by staying enmeshed in the affair. Please go dark and stay dark, mason. You really feel so much better.

Thank you, I know, but for me it felt like we may have been working towards reconciling, (my false hope) I never asked about the OW until last night. I guess it just felt good to talk again, but after today I realize it has hurt me more. I think I want to save my marriage so badly. I need to go back again. I have been reading a lot on here and I was beating myself up today for not sticking to the plan. I feel better than I did earlier. I know this is a marathon, but I am now a year at D-day. What a terrible day and I think what has changed? I feel better, but I still do not have my husband back. He still has no home, he has not move forward with his life at all. Still staying with friend and at his Mom's. I think that kind of hit home as well. I may send a new Plan B letter.

And this is the problem. REconciliation is impossible until he meets all your conditions in the Plan B letter, ie: end his affair and commit to marital recovery. There is no working towards it at all. You either are or you aren't. In this case, all you did was tell him you have no standards for continued contact with you. So he knows he doensnt have to meet any conditions. You were NOT reconciling and the continued contact only hurt you more. It prevented you from recovering personally, prolonged the affair and neutralized ANY last remaining leverage you had with him.

Unless he is ALL IN and has ended his affair you are just spinning your wheels and wasting your time. Do you see how you were wasting your time?

A third problem is that it is extremely unattractive for a BW to seem as if she is chasing a WH. That is how it comes across when a BW allows a WH to contact her.

Yes, I know, he was initating all contact with me...I was not chasing, just making thigs easy for him again. This is why I was so upset all day. Believe me I get it! Another thing he said to me was how could we reconcile, you are not even talking to me. There is really no sense anymore. I guess when he putthe divorce on hold I thought it meant something. It meant nothing. I have gotten so much better and today I felt worse that I had in weeks. I am hoping I feel stronger by the day.

When he put the D on hold it did mean something, it meant that he still wanted to keep you dangling on the line. And then you showed him....that you are still dangling on the line.

So, you need to get back into Plan B. How long ago did you break Plan B?

Re-write and send a new Plan B letter, get into a pitch black Plan B and VOW that you won't break it this time.

I broke it for about six wks I think. I will send a new plan b letter, I can deal with the drama. It was nice to be removed and he did have me dangling.

I meant I can not deal with the drama. He had his cake. No more dessert!! It took me all day to wrap my head around this, and I was unable to concentrate on work againg. Know better, do better!!

The answer to "how could we reconcile" should always be: a) end your affair and b) commit to marital recovery. That is how. The path back is clearly outlined in the Plan B letter.

They say this so they can keep you strung along because Plan B makes them uncomfortable. But if he were really serious about reconciling he would meet your standards. This is why it is so important for you to NEVER EVER let him have contact with you unless he has a) ended his affair and b) committed to marital recovery. He was never committed to either. He just wanted to get his needs met in 2 places.

I completely agree, I fell for this one. I missed him and I am lonely, but I respect myself enough to know I deserve better. My boys are great and that I realize will keep me going. You right, I never metioned the affair, or the elephant in the room.

Have not posted in a while, no change but I am sad this weekend. Ths marks one year of us being separated and not living together. I remember it like it was yesterday and how much pain I was in. I think I am just numb now. I really thought after a year things would be different. How long do the Harley's say that you should stay in Plan B? Is it two years from exposure or two years from D-day? I am losing hope that I will be able to keep my family together.

mason, the Harley's recommend not hanging on longer than 2 years from exposure. He says after 2 years there is really no hope for the marriage.

Thanks. I exposed in November- so a year from November, not sure if I will be able to last that long...Only time will tell. Need to bounce back and stop being sad. I made it through the year of separation, that should be enough for today.

I think that Harley says he usually recommends getting a divorce after two years but he says that mostly, ( at least my interpretation of it), to do so because like Plan A needs a time limit to do it well, Plan B does too. An end point. That a betrayed spouse can not be in the nebulous marital situation indefinitely emotional health-wise and two years is a good place to feel you gave it your best shot. You'd have no regrets and feel pride in yourself vs regret at getting the divorce. Your waywards account in your Love Bank will be at a low level and make it bearable too.

In other words, I don't think there is no hope for a marriage after two years but you have got to move onward for your own spirit. You have to create a legal future without the wayward.You do so saying "C'est le vie (that's life). YK?

The bottom line is that there is a shelf date on when we can operate as half a person, and we have to move on.

You will be fully restored to Mason 1.0, the stronger more robust operating system, without the virus.

We all know that people are different, and people can change, but when they refuse to operate in the way of integrity, you must let them go.

If he ever came back he would have to be someone so different, and jump the hurdles to prove himself anyways.

It would be a new life, with a different person and yes, it is too bad he can't do that now..The chicken.

Rock on Mason, you are doing awesome

Reading, just for clarification, Dr Harley does say that if it there has not been reconciliation in 2 years, that it is unlikely to ever happen. If it goes on that long, he suggests not waiting any longer.