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Originally Posted by Enlightened_Ex
Originally Posted by violette
Originally Posted by schoolbus
violette,

You feel nothing for your husband because you are giving nothing.


When it comes to relationships, you will gather a return on the investment in proportion to what you give. It is a simple mathematic proposition.

If you give love, your odds are much higher that the return on the investment that love will be returned. If you learn the way that the other person best receives your investment of love, your interest on the returns goes much higher.


Read LOVE BANK. Invest in his.


SB


I have read it. I spent 4 hours in the car with my husband yesterday and barely said a word to him. He told a few stories and tried to lighten the mood. I am the problem right now. I am working on it. My family is visiting and will be leaving next weekend. I will not tell him before they leave.

I encourage you to take this time to tell him AND your family now.

I believe you said before they would support him. Supporting the marriage would be the best. Enabling or excusing your affair would be the worst.

Seems like a great chance to come clean to a whole host of folks who should know what's happened and perhaps enlist them to hold you accountable for your behavior if they are wise choices to be advocates for a good marriage. If they are not, perhaps they should still know the truth, but not be called upon to do anything but listen to your confession.

Don't let a good opportunity slip away because of fear of looking bad.

They do like my husband. I come from a family of 7. I am the youngest. Everyone is getting together most of the week. It would be too overwhelming. Too many people. I would prefer that my kids enjoy their time with their cousins.

Even if I tell my husband I am not onboard on telling everyone. I can see that my husband is the victim but everyone does not need to know.




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Originally Posted by violette
Thank you. I post in several forms and ignore people that I do not feel are worth my time.

Violet, you have this backwards, you are not worth our time if you are here to get validation to continue to deceive your husband. Why don't you go to those other forums? Do they support unrepentant liars and cheaterw? Like I said earlier, there are forums for people like you. This is not one of them. This forum is for marriage building, not marriage wrecking.

Look around you, dear. These people are here to save their marriages and you are here to manipulate and deceive. You are the unrepentant rapist who flaunts his rape in front of rape victims. You do not belong here.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by violette
Even if I tell my husband I am not onboard on telling everyone. I can see that my husband is the victim but everyone does not need to know.

Why not? Your children are also your victims. They have just as much right to know as your husband.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by violette
Even if I tell my husband I am not onboard on telling everyone. I can see that my husband is the victim but everyone does not need to know.

Why not? Your children are also your victims. They have just as much right to know as your husband.

I think it should be between my husband and me. He has every right to tell them if he wants. He will be able to tell whoever he wants but don't expect me to be shouting it to everyone I know.

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UNREPENTANT WAYWARD ALERT. I am OUT. I feel truly sorry for your BH, your children and most importantly for yourself.

In the almost 2 years I have been here, you are the foggiest, most entitled and unrepentant wayward I have encountered. Even my own WH is nothing in comparison to you, and he left my children and I to live with his OW. At least he told ME the truth, eventually.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted by violette
I think it should be between my husband and me. He has every right to tell them if he wants. He will be able to tell whoever he wants but don't expect me to be shouting it to everyone I know.


Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
"In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.

An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults."



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I suggest you re-read the thread and re-read the basic concepts (starting with Policy of Radical Honesty) rather than posting...more than once if necessary.

There is nothing more that can be said to convince you than what has already been posted and by reading the MB concepts.

There is no sense in posting your fogbabble if you don't want to work the program and the program doesn't work without honesty. It's pretty simple actually.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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Originally Posted by violette
I think it should be between my husband and me. He has every right to tell them if he wants. He will be able to tell whoever he wants but don't expect me to be shouting it to everyone I know.

And this doesn't surprise me because it is obvious that the answer to every problem in your life is to lie and deceive. Your moral compass has been broken so long that you just automatically move to that "solution."

But that's not the solution. The solution to adultery is honesty, not more deceit. Your adultery affects your children's lives too and they have a right to know.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I have been where you are almost a year ago. My plan was to stay in the marriage for sake of the kids but try to see if we could work on our marriage in the meantime while the kids are at home and who knows maybe we might actually have a good marriage.

I had an RA about six months after I found out about his two affairs. I felt entitled of having my own A because after all my H committed adultery on me FIRST and besides ours vows were broken anyway. And I hated my H so much, my LB towards him with in the red that I didn't care about him or our M.

It was the LIES & DECEIT that I couldn't handle. I didn't like that he had sex with other women but it was the LIES & DECEIT that was unbearable. OM became my escape.

Anyway, I came here and was told the same thing, that I need to tell my H the truth. BTW advice that's been given to you are truly AMAZING. AMAZING!!! And it's for FREE!!!

I knew that I had to tell my H the truth but I didn't want to tell him right away and was terrified. I didn't want to tell him yet and wanted to find a 'perfect time' to tell him. Which would be NEVER. Anyway, thank God for the advice that were given to me here and the intervention with a stranger I met her on a plane on my way to meet my H for a mini getaway. She gave me the same advice as the people here. I had to do it and I had to tell him the truth that night when I arrived! And I did. My H was so happy to see me when he picked me up at the airport only to tell him the real truth (doing red herring) when we got to the hotel.

It was horrible and it even got worse when we got home. So much so that the police were involved between my H and OM. It was a terrible time. My H stayed and I had to go through withdrawals from the OM and still had to deal with the POSOW at the same time. We decided to work on our M and follow MB plan.

We are less than one year since my H d-day and our M is incredible!!! It's better than I imagined it would be. I never would have thought that I would fall back in love with my H again. It wasn't easy and we are not off the roller coaster yet and it was hard changing our habits but it's gets easier every day.

I just want to encourage you that you CAN have an incredible M. You have to take that big step and GET IT DONE! Don't even analyze it, just DO IT. Take that first step on telling your H the truth.

Your M (and YOU) will not recover until you do that leap. I did it and so grateful that I did.

BTW, I am the most undecisive (sp?) person in the world and I have to make sure I get all my dots in a row before I make my move and I'm a major planner but again, just don't think and just FOLLOW the great advice that you've been given here. I had to take that chance and there was a huge chance that he will leave me but that was the consequences of my actions.

Don't delay, tell him TODAY.



Me: BS/FWW - 38
BH/FWH - 36
Married 13 years, together 17 years
Two boys: 9 & 12
OW#1 DDay: PA Nov 26, 2009 (July 2008-July 2009)
OW#2 DDay: PA Nov 29, 2009 (May 2009-Sept 2009)

Me: EA/PA (RA?) June 2010-Sept 2010
His DDay: Oct 2010
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Originally Posted by violette
Originally Posted by peachyisback
Here are the main issues:

1)You say NO to exposing your nasty affair to your husband.
2)You say NO to firing this very unwise and dark "spiritual" helper, whom I suspect really IS your emotional affair partner...
3)You say NO to ending your emotional affair.

EXACTLY HOW are you applying the new knowledge of MB if your answer to the key problems going on is NO?

EXPLAIN THAT.

Are you going to quit lying and DO WHAT YOU ARE NOT DOING NOW. End this life charade.

Who do I turn to when things get rough (which they will) if I end my friendship (which is not sexual and is not going to turn sexual)? Family is not really an option. They will most likely side with my husband.

I do not think my spiritual director is giving me bad advice.

Who?

MB Members

Doc H

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My FWW got caught. OMW was looking thru OMs phone and found my wife performing on him on multiple videos. This sets an interesting dynamic in our recovery as if this fluke chance didnt happen, the A could still be in full effect today. Although there are deep emotional and pyschological issues that my wife is working on, I think how so much of the issues we encounter in our recovery could have been less dire is she came clean years ago about her A. And, my FWW knows this.

You are stuck in a downward spiral of foggy selfishness with a sprinkling of self entitlement. Time to bite bullet. My wife lived with what she was doing for years and suffered migraines and health issues we clearly identify with her deceit. Life is so much better for her after she got caught because she, perhaps like you, was stuck in her thing and has wanted out for a long time. Being stuck in an A is a real thing. Ive learned from this site.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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violette,

I think from reading your post is that you are in fact planning on telling your husband once your relatives leave, is that correct? That means, after this weekend, your husband will know.

You have work to do between now and then. You need to bring yourself to a VERY clear understanding of how you are in a fog, and how you are not understanding how your feelings toward your husband are in a negative situation because of how YOU treat HIM.


Yes, this is the case. You had an opportunity to have simple, casual, nice conversation with your husband in the car. You said this yourself. And your CHOICE was to act like a fool and begrudge even that much interaction.


You are acting as though YOUR affairs, and YOUR behavior have come about because HE did something to you. He did not, as far as you know.


You have stabbed him, and you are complaining about the blood on the floor.

You are complaining that others may find out that there actually IS blood on the floor. You are worried that you might actually have to work to clean it up.

And you won't even speak to the man you stabbed, when he was talking to you and trying to make the situation less stressful

for YOU.



Can you tell us why your husband deserved the cold shoulder from you?

The truth is that you could have used that time to offer him some positive attention, which could have built up the love bank balance for him

and in turn, this actually builds up YOUR balance.


The oddest thing about love is that it is one of the few gifts on earth that you can only keep if you give it away.


There is a passage in the Bible that talks of receiving back tenfold in return compared to what you give away. They are talking of love, too.

Each time you do something for someone else, you will find that your self-esteem will rise and your self-worth will follow. You gain by helping others gain.




I cannot imagine riding in a car with my sworn enemy and not speaking with him. I would at least tell him to go to he//, start an argument, take advantage of the time to tell him what I thought about our relationship and why we were enemies. Actually, being who I am, in all likelihood we would probably end up being friends by the end of the trip because he would know that I understand his needs and could meet him on common ground. I would open that door FOR HIM.

Your husband is NOT YOUR ENEMY. He is someone you married - and you loved at one time. You have disconnected YOURSELF, by CHOICE. You can make a choice to return to the marriage. You just do not understand this right now. You have about a week to find out that YOU are broken.


Go before God and seek your brokenness. Do not find a "spiritual advisor" to tell you how to do this. You have a Lord who can tell you exactly where you are broken, and you have a priest who can show you where to kneel.

Hint: You have knees.




My sense is that your fears are overwhelming you right now. Avoiding the truth will NEVER serve you.


Never.


The truth stands as a beacon, and no matter where you go, there it is, shining to break the darkness. You can choose to acknowledge it, or you can choose to close your eyes. It will be there, either way.


Schoolbus

SB

Last edited by schoolbus; 08/08/11 04:22 PM. Reason: add a thought

Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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VIolette

What is it exactly that your hoping to achieve on MB?

Why are you posting here?

Especially since you seam to only take and agree with the advice your spiritual adviser is giving you.

Could it be that maybe you know that his advice is not exactly great or appropriate?

Just tell us what you want from this forum because people are investing a lot of energy into giving you great advice based on experience and all your doing is ignoring it.


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

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Have you told him yet? As a BH i can tell you that you owe it to him.


Me 37
WW 37
Married 14 years
4 boys 10,8,6,3
exposure Day 2/18/11
A started 11/2010
Divorced 7/21/2011
Has it been a year already??
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