I really like hnhn. Probably my favorite of the 3 I have. (LB and SAA along with it).

I'll ask her to post something.

I don't know how to explain the way I felt this morning when I woke up. Feeling lost, like nothing is working, like giving up and just moving on.....it is not the pain of DDay, not the fear of loseing family, not anxiety, it is different. Am I expecting too much too fast? Why does it seem as though nothing I've done seems to break the fog she is in? Everyone is giving me advice....some say stay and work, others say leave.....exposure has not brought the quick end or resolution I expected.

I ask myself, "How long can I go on like this?".... I'm reading others threads, there seems to be no rhyme or reason.... 2 years is a long time. Is the 2 year window a full recovery? What does recovery even look like in the beginning??

I have to remind myself to say ILY even if she doesn't respond. She told me she felt smothered, then felt neglected... WTH, can't win.

I could just be rambling, could be my AD meds wearing off or kicking in....?? Who knows??

Tex:

I hate to say this again as we have been saying this for a while.

I dont think you killed the affair dead with a napalm-like exposure bombing. If your first attempt at exposure hasnt achieved the results most get, then your WW is in deep, and perhaps a stronger statement should be made.

If you feel like you cant do anymore, then your current feelings are accurate to the situation.

I really dont think youve read the book SAA. It lays out how to proceed when the fog is not lifting on your WS. Youre not following the plans as I see them.

WOW TTS try to stay calm your time line is much like mine, this time. As impossible as it sounds try to relax....nothing in life is pressing, relax....you are only in controll of you so attempt to get control, of yourself of your feelings....It is not hopeless even when it seems hopeless.....2 years seems like a long time but it really is not. we are only 40, breath and relax. my advice if you have any time is read read read.....my best reading has been pepperband old posts under mopey.....lets you know you are in a normal state of mind also saw a great post by star*fish which i cant find anymore//// it was about a goat!!!! oh how true.
somthered/ neglected its all bs, and you are not really trying to win.
work on getting yourself to a happy place, you are the only one you can change.....RIGHT
anything is possible, remember that, and you will be better off in the end,,, no matter what the end brings... concentrate on the DD's
And know we are all here for you, even the lurkers, like me

Consider that she may have asked him for sex because she sensed it was a need of his. Kind of like a large deposit to his Love Bank. Remember, in the early stages of a relationship, the Giver is in the lead and wants to do everything they can to give to the other person.

Dr. Harley, emphasis mine:
SF isn't a top EN of your WW. But because her Giver was in full swing and anxious to make as many deposits as possible into OM's Love Bank, she offered that. You can bet that, had the worst scenario happened and she left you for OM, the time would come when she would be refusing to have sex with him because she 'doesn't like it'.

MB's comments struck true with me. One of the benefits (yes there are a few) of knowing every detail imaginable is that you can fairly accurately predict things like this. In our case, OM and W were headed that direction. Worst case scenario. Resentment was building because OM was asking for sex more and more and it really wasn't on W's radar. Shew wanted other things. SF was the tool.

It *IS* hard. We didn't see a big turnaround in some areas until year three as far as clear solid recovery. There were areas where we both improved, but hitting a solid spot hit just this year.

CV

BTW, Grace will probably respond tonight to your question. last night got real busy.


CV

Thanks everyone. MSS, I don't know if you are helping or pouring salt on my wound. I want to say you are the most abrupt. I am reading, I am following the plan and I am learning along the way. I've only been here ( MB ) for a month, and the first 2 weeks I was wadding in slowly. I've jumped in the deep end now. Sometimes we all need a life preserver to stay above water. This place is that for me.

TTFG and MB, thanks for the encouragement. I am working on me. It's me that seems to be the most screwed up this week. 2 years seems like a long time, but I know in 2 years, it will feel like it flew by. My oldest DD will be a senior or in college b4 we hit the recovered stage.

CV,
You and I could become long time friends here.....I love your post. I know I will never fully be able to wrap my mind around the "why", but having you and others explain the motivation helps. Dates still work as triggers, and mid-month will be hard for some time. Both PA events happened mid month.

Trying to stay positive!!!

Ditto! Most waywards never really know why either! They know needs are there, they know OP met them, they even know they screwed the pooch a lot of the time, but the reasoning as to why they let boundaries down... I dunno. seems that that is the one question I want answered when I get to see God.

Dates are tough. last week was the 4 year mark for when OM2 and W started. I prepared weeks ahead of time to not be triggered. It is a daily battle at the beginning and it DOES get easier.

Work hard, pray hard, tex!

CV

PS. and just take some time to relax. You know... so you don't kill yourself with the stress and work of it all. Total veg out. Read a comic or something.

Just a little humor on this...

My oldest son (he's 20) has just recently talked to me about this. He refers to it as the "erp-a-derp factor". Where the brain cells go into stasis and the WWS enters the special Olympics of relationships.

Cv

LMFAO

Tell him that he is wise beyond his years...

Tex:

No intention to ruin your mojo.

Ill stand down from posting if Im coming off negative.

The tough love I got from others directed me greatly when I was lingering in bad thoughts, not doing what they told me to do, and generally going against all the MB dictates.

Good luck to you and your family.

Mike

MSS,

I will need a slap in the face from time to time. Thanks for taking time to be the one with the hand for it. Working through a tough week. Didn't mean to make you out as a bad guy, we all have been through hell, some can still feel the flames and smell the smoke.

She just texted me saying she is pealing back her emotions like an onion, and that she feels nothing.....nothing at all. Says she would like to crawl into a hole.... I told her I have felt nothing from her for 2 months and asked if we could crawl into the same hole.....

I have done everything I know to do to show her I Love her and want to work this mess into a recovered and better marriage. I asked for a sign that all my efforts have not been for nothing... I would have taken an "I Love You" .... I got silence. She later texted and said the silence was not a sign of something bad,must that boss came in and meetings were called.... I don't know what to think. How can she not see I Love Her....?

Is her fog just too thick??

I need to get her to this site. I hope she will join me here. Should I have her read my thread first?

Nope! Have her just come and start a thread. She will come across yours soon enough.

BTW. HOW committed is she to MB?

Hey Tex, I'm sorry you're having such a difficult week. You want to know what one thing CV did that really changed how I saw everything...

I was in our bedroom and CV called me into the bathroom. He took me by the hand and started talking to me about how everything I had done was dirty and how it made me dirty. He undressed me and put me in the shower...I was scared, but he picked up the soap and a washcloth and began to wash me from from head to toe. As he did that he told me that he was washing all the grime away, all the filth and disgust was going down the drain. He said, "from now on when I look at you I will chose to see you as clean and pure, like the girl I married". I just stood there and cried while CV washed me. I understood his love for me for the first time and I understood Christ's love for me for the first time as well. That shower changed my life.

It was the beginning of me seeing myself differently. I wanted to love like that...I wanted to love him like that.

Well, that's it. I know it may sound silly or trite to some, but I will hold this in my heart for eternity.

Not trite but beautiful

I'm with you TTFG,

It sounds like the most beautiful act of love he could have possibly done.

Ugly day today.....

In a conversation, she said she would like to live in a sexless marriage, but knows I won't stay for that. Says she doesn't want sex from me.

I said this, what if I told you I didn't like Prime Rib, and you loved Prime Rib. I would go have prime rib with you and would remind you every time you asked that I didn't like Prime Rib. One day you find out I have been eating Prime Rib at lunch with someone else. How would you feel? Would you believe it was the prime rib or the company I didn't like?

She says, "I liked sex with him, and I don't know why."

I feel like another bomb just went off, she says she loves me....Apologized for being mean, says didn't know why she said that, and that her anger got the best of her.

One dark day in a list of dark moments.

Oh tex I have heard that one too......
She also says she can never love me the way i need to be loved
All garbage
I love your analogy to prime rib.....
How the heck do you think on your feet like that....I still just crumble or get angry
I have to keep thinking that the mean things she says, will come back to haunt her in the future....
Keep tellin her how much she means to you
I try to keep tellin myself all days are good days some are just better than others.
at least that is what i try to believe


I do have more colorfull things I could say....afraid i would get blasted for it.
Keep riding the bus