I concur with NG. No consequence before. Repeat of behavior

wash rinse repeat.

NG,

How long can a camel go without a drink? It seems 3 months isn't too long. I wonder what it will take now that she has an "excuse" to say slow down even more?

I will need yours and MelodyLanes advice as time goes on. If she doesn't contact OM but moves slow to meet my EM, when should I go to Plan B? Should I go to Plan B?

Waiting for a sign......

Today I feel like I have started over,... I have some anger, I feel lonely and I have thought about just calling it quits. Tomorrow will be 3 months from DDay, this roller coaster of emotions has slowed, but the last drop seems more intense..... We haven't touch in 2 days, I don't even want to touch her right now.....my anger and sadness keep me from wanting to even talk to her. Is this a normal sequence? I don't want to live like this...... I can't live like this for much longer.


Still waiting.

tex,

This is part of the rollercoaster. Some days you have to force yourself to do things. remind her of her promise to you. Hold her to it. Be patient while the meds even her out.

CV

CV,

I don't like this ride.....can I get off now??

I hope you and Grace are doing well. I feel like posting on others threads just to let them know the emotions they feel are not uncommon.

Keep the prayers coming......

T2S, your situation is rapidly approaching that of Stretch123, with a clinically-diagnosed disordered spouse showing no willingness to extend affection and/or appreciation for your efforts. (It's likely the mental/emotional neuropathies laid the basis for the affair, not the reverse, but for the moment...not material.)

The MB program is based on logic and the expectation that rational people will generally act to better their own interests. You see the problem with this in your case, right? Until WW is of a state of mind that she can objectively recognize her own interests, and see the paths to improving them......it's likely problemmatic that the program for you will proceed as rapidly as in other cases, if at all.

So, first, you and she have to address her private issues (demons?). Get that depression/bi-polar disorder/whatever managed.

That I can do...

You reminded me of something that really reminded me of A's. When we were in highschool, grace and I went to the county fair. We got on one of those rides that spins constantly and I thought I'd be a smart-a and yell something at the carny guy running the ride. Well, long story short, he got the last laugh. We spent about 10 minutes just going in circles.... At a high rate of speed. Not only did I yak as soon as we got off the ride, I yaked like 3 more times that night.

That's what a's feel like. Carny rides that never end. but they do... Eventually the nausea goes away... your stomach calms down... your head stops spinning...

Post to others if you have something to share! Help is needed!

CV

Thanks NG,

We are working on her. I pray the Dr.'s can make her feel better.

It is tough having to work through the PA, and deal with her mental issues at the same time.

Pray for her and our family.

The last few days have been the toughest in weeks....her depression seemed to grow as reality sets in that she has a problem we will deal with for the rest of her life. She is withdrawn.....and not talkative about any topic. Her coldness is apparent to everyone. I fear she will use this as a reason we fail.....I am not going to give up..... I know somewhere, sometime she will improve.

Tex,

depression is HARD for the BS to deal with in the FWW. It is draining on you while you are trying to recover. It CAN be done though, if you have the willpower. What has the Dr. prescribed for her depression? Celxa was good for my W when she wasn't abusing it. low weight gain or none, helped her sleep and think clearly. Took a few weeks to kick in though if I remember right.

CV

Selects a does work in does take at least 2 weeks to work I know because I currently take it. It has helped immensely for my depression but it does take sometime. Welbutrin also works and has the same side effects Of little weight gain and actually has less sexual side effects

So I hear

She is on Abilify.... It has several side effects, but they should subside with time. Thanks for the encouraging words everyone. Thank God for this site.

An update from my WW.

She started a conversation saying she didn't know if she could ever get to the place where she felt good about our SF. She says she doesn't know how to stop thinking of OM, and she thinks I will eventually end up hating her because she can't make it better. She says she feels like she has ruined our lives and she can't fix it. She also said she feels once I start to hate her, I will leave.

Is this fog, or has she jumped in the deep end of a cloudy pool?

I responded with simple statements. One I do not hate you, your actions yes, not you. I love you, by choice, it is time for you to choose. Don't listen to your "feelings" they lie. Look at your life and work to make it what you want. When you think of OM, picture your youngest DD crying bc her parents divorced. You think OM is special, ask yourself what kind of man leaves his first wife and cheats on his second wife? Is that what you want for a step dad for your DD? How many women has he slept with? Are you that special to him or just another notch on his belt? If you think your special.. why does he hide? Why doesn't he contact you?

This is not easy for me. It's the hardest most painful thing I've ever dealt with, but I choose to stay, choose to wait, choose to Love You because that is the promise I made with you and God. You can choose to join me, you can't just sit silently and hope the "feelings" change....you must choose to do the hard work.

What do you Vets think?

Sounds like guilt and a form of escape, much like could be her reasoning for the affair. Yeah she is still foggy.

What you said was spot on as far as I can see, and yes, you can't just "hope", for feelings to change, feelings follow actions. Feelings do lie, they are quicksand, where the truth and knowledge is bedrock.

You have told her you would fight for the marriage, are you open to explore the emotional needs you need to address to create a healthy marriage? If so, then she will need to be open to this also, and maybe she still needs to defog some more.

Make certain she has maintained NC, that means pictures, letters, and anything associated with OM that could be triggers effecting her mind now. Work the plan, and give it some more time.

That my opinion, someone else who knows your story better might have another opinion, but judging from what you post said, you have the right idea and are saying the right things.

This is hard I know, keep on working the plan

God Bless

Ok TTS here is something I have not told or shared to ANYONE!!!!
Her feelings are normal and they take quite some time to get over, at least they did for me, and I mean quite some time. Not because she doesn't love you, because it takes a very long time to get the goat(AP) out of her head. I was triggered by everything and had a very difficult time. It gets better and it will work ! I know from experience but it takes time.

Imho anti-depressants will help both partners, not because I like taking mood altering pills, because they really helped me, prevented me from falling deeper into depression. Some depresssion and dealing with what she she she has done is good, but after that it hurts the cause.

Feelings do lie!

"You can choose to join me, you can't just sit silently and hope the "feelings" change....you must choose to do the hard work."

Just remember who she was, keep that image in your head. She will return, a little different but she will return

She started a conversation saying she didn't know if she could ever get to the place where she felt good about our SF. She says she doesn't know how to stop thinking of OM, and she thinks I will eventually end up hating her because she can't make it better. She says she feels like she has ruined our lives and she can't fix it. She also said she feels once I start to hate her, I will leave.

Ah, yes, demonize the opposition to defend one's own falures! WW appears to have reverted to the emotional development of a fourteen-year-old.

Explain to her very clearly that she is incompetent to project or predict your feelings and/or actions. Point out to her that whatever deep insights she thinks she has about your relationship are skewed by her still-fresh affections toward POSOM. And tell her to get back to work!

I agree w/ NG.... sometimes waywards need a boost, or a cow prod!

tex, have you verified there is no further contact?

CV

All,

I will keep working....the alternative is not something I want.

CV, there has been no contact. His image is removed from all FB, her emails and phone calls are being monitored, and she knows I have others watching as well. I believe she is just moving slowly. Her Bi-polar meds are helping. I see no retreating, just a slow fog removal.

Staying positive and working hard......

Hi Ho Hi Ho it's off to work I go......!!!