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Originally Posted by MrAmazed
OMG not good at all. wedding ring and necklace from this yrs anniv are out on the highway. she has repeated with great anger how done we are. she has no love left and there is never a chance for us. sounds many of her friends are very appalled that I brought this public and i am the biggest [censored] on earth.

She said she is filing Monday a.m. and will be seeing her lawyer. I need to do 1st from what i see posted here.

Threatened lawsuit of defamation of character cause now everyone thinks she is a "whore" .

She is extremely volatile and at times been violent to me in front of DD4 and 6 last nite. Kids are freakin out. I'm trying to remain calm and tell her not in front of kids but she just continues to say they need to know mommy does not love daddy anymore and won't ever be together. I need a voice recorder.

My personal phone was dumped into toilet as she & I struggled over it. she took it and started to read sent msgs and found where i had sent OM txts to my phone which I emailed to myself and secret account. Told her I did that to rub it in her face when she lied about contact.

My pastor friend I revealed that I was getting council about going NUCLEAR. They were friends prior to us getting married but I was very close to him and called him from beginning of whole affair. She actually called me prior as his wife called WW and warned her what i might be doing. GRRRR at me. I was just trying to get advise. She said the judge will think me nuts to expose affair cause you never hear anyone do this and how the hell is that supposed to help save the marriage and the family.

Look you need to settle down a little. You were warned on your thread what would happen after you exposed. So it hit the fan that is what exposure will do.

Did you think she was going to come to you and say she was wrong and you were right? That is not the way it works and you were told that. Now you need to get a steel spine.

Your other option was just to say nothing and don�t confront her at all. Then your wife would be very happy with you. She would be a cheating woman who has a husband who does nothing about it. What a great life for her. That way she has a husband and she can get another guy to bang her on the side.

My wife was cheating on me and I got a ton of evidence on her. She denied everything told me I was crazy. She did not know what I had on her but she denied everything. She was always mad at me and she always threatened me if I told she was cheating when she was not.

I exposed to everyone when she was flying out to Las Vegas to have a sex vacation with the OM. A trip put on my credit card I might add. She even paid for his plane and room since they were staying in the same room. I exposed to everyone and I sent emails to a lot of people about there trip to Vegas. I also called her cell phone when she was in the air and told her I knew she was with him there and I told her to find another place to live I won�t live with a Tramp. Told her she can move in with him I was done with her.

Do you think she was mad? The good thing is that she left me a cell message with the worst stuff she ever said to me told me I was crazy. I did not take the call and refused to talk to her. Once she saw a man who would not put up with this kind of crap then she changed.

She flew back and I told her to find a new place to live with loser OM I was done with her. Boy did she change when she saw a man who would not put up with this. She begged me to give her another chance. My wife knew I would not want to stay married to her since she had sex with the OM. She was right.

I divorced my wife. But I learned a lot of things about WW in the process. If you think you can just try to ignore it then you will end up without her no doubt in my mind. My XW came around only after I took action.

Your marriage is not in trouble because you exposed. Your marriage is in Peril because you have a cheating Wife. After all if her romance with the OM was not a problem then she would not have objected to you telling everyone about it would she?

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Been following this for days, and feel like chiming in, not piling on I hope.

James Bond,,cool, calm, collected, and in control.

Oh I know, what harm does it do to show her you are upset? Won't she see how much it hurts you? Won't she see how much you love her? Short answer, no.

When this dirty little,(and exciting too), secret is out, most of the fun is gone out of the affair. Hence the threats, the accusations, the basic ranting and raving that you have caused, because you brought it out into the light.

The more angry she becomes, the more likely she is convicted internally also. She knows it is wrong, and she like most waywards, wants to blame you. She would have and kept that is secret also, as she tried to make it all seem like she had no choice. Wrong!

You spoiled her plans of deception, and worse of all, you spoiled her deception of herself. Now she has nobody to blame but you, you took away her drug, and she is mad as he11 about it! She is operating under the mistake that she will be able to make you pay, and truth be told, she is reaping what shes sown, and will pay dearly for it.

So, you can be sad about it, but do not react to what she says. who cares if she throws away jewelry or a phone, protect yourself with the police, get a VAR from Walmart,(Sony makes a nice digital recorder for about $60 bucks that sells there), and repeat the mantra, when you feel compelled to answer her, "I don't talk divorce, I talk marriage. I don't run from the challange, I embrace it"

And remain cool, calm, and collected.

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Originally Posted by lonewolf999
With such WW, the chance of R would have been nil no matter what other method you had tried.
This is exactly right. If she ends up deciding to D, then the exposure had nothing to do with it. You have given yourself a chance.

You may end up divorced, but you may not. Your were certain to have ended up divorced before.

I had gone on over half a year, knowing what was going on, trying to wait it out, to let the guilt, whatever, bring them around, win out. It wasn't going to happen. I had seen it but for some reason didn't think I could do anything about it. Nice guys like us for some reason are frozen by our entitled waywards. Heck, it wasn't until after I found MB that the thought crossed my mind that I never had to move out the first time my wife asked me to. How stupid does that sound?

After I found MB, I realized that whatever fears or misguided sense of honor, of what was right, was just that misguided. The evil was the affair, and I was enabling it.

You have stopped enabling it. You control your actions. Keep calm.

And if you haven't heard it before, do not leave your house.

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How about an update MrA? We are all here to support you and help you get through this difficult time! It is always tumultuous! Keep your calm, keep peace at your heart, you are doing it because you love her and your children!


Me BW (37)
WH (37)
DD1 6 yrs DD2 2 yr

A man who abandons his wife and children because of his infidelity is no price. I can do better then that, I deserve better then that.

The difficulties and struggles of today are but the price we must pay for the accomplishments and victories of tomorrow

Men must be honest with themselves before they can be honest with others. A man who is not honest with himself presents a hopeless case
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UPDATE:

Last nite she went bat shtt crazy again, this time in front of DD11 and DD15. They are my step daughters and not mine legally.

A friend of hers came over. She talked to us pretty candidly. I got a lil emotional when I was telling her all I wanted was to save the marriage by ending the affair. Not mad just emotional.

After that she drove off and then came back and told me she had her gun to her head and was going to end her miserable soulless life. I told her that is not what anybody wants and that I still loved her no matter what and there was more to live for. I hid all guns from her. I later prayed over her asking for Jesus to sweep the demons from her mind. She weeped hard. Even allowing me to lay hands on her.

She stormed off again a little later when I got back to house from picking up DD15 from her weekend study session. She stormed out saying "my life is your hands now". DD11 was hysterical. She came back and was wicked mad again. Talking about killing herself as she was just a walking body at this point.

She had AO after DD15 said "how could you do this to our family, you've thrown away your family mom". WW even threw stuff at me and attacked me. Never hurting me but still. This was in front of both DD11 and DD15. I had fone in hand with 911 ready to call but didn't as DD11 was hysterically pleading with me. She calmed way down after that. DD15 called friends and they came and got them out.

She went into bathroom and came out a little later much calmer but still weepy. She doesn't understand why I had to tell so many people and why not only some close friends and parents perhaps. I told her I just was not sure at this time, which I am really not. I cannot give her a good answer. She insisted that killed any chance of R. She kept insisting on an answer of why I told so many people. I just kept saying to end the affair and save the marriage. She kept asking "what crazy council are you getting that would insist on public humiliation, our church? your christian councelor?" Told her none of her business. Can somebody here give me a good answer to this? The answer I give is just not good enough for her. Tells me I have ruined her forever. I painted the red S on her chest - the scarlet letter.

She eventually kneeled down beside the bed where I was laying and weeped and I prayed for healing of her heart. She allowed me to touch her as I prayed and even laid her hand on mine. I rubbed her back even. She laid down on the floor and I covered her. She was uncomfortable I could tell and complete exhausted and I said to just get into bed and lay down. She did.

She woke about 4:30am and started crying and asking same questions again and telling me I ruined any chance of recovery for us since I let the whole world know. She showered and left around 5:45am and texted her BF where DD11 and DD15 stayed the nite, that she was heading to work.

Should I go file for Divorce right now before she might? I am not sure if she really is or not. What message will this send to her if I do? I keep talking I want R as people have said here to do, but I don't wanna be answering to her demands either if she in fact goes through with it.


ASIDE: She keeps claiming that Friday nite she stopped by OM house and was only there for 15 min as she saw the OM GF stuff there and realized it just wasn't what she wanted. On her trip down state there was still texting I saw. But she was telling me that it was him trying to pull her back. Claims she had that moment when she heard Blake Sheltons GOD GAVE ME YOU song. Then about 1 1/2hrs after I set the NUKE. I never viewed the video of the song she sent me, I just knew it was something of that nature. I was too busy compiling list of people.

I need some QUICK COACHING HERE. I am meeting with attny at 10:30am. 1 hr from now. ADVISE PLEASE...

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she is blame shifting, telling the truth is not what got her in trouble, having the affair did. Many people already knew.

And a lot of her babbling is pretty standard, don't believe it. You did not hurt the chances of recovery by exposing, with an active affair there would have been no chance of recovery, you created a chance for recovery by killing the affair. But this tumult will last for a bit.

I have no advice with regards to the divorce/meeting with the lawyer.

Without nuking it, she would have gone back and forth between you and OM, make no illusion about that.


Me BW (37)
WH (37)
DD1 6 yrs DD2 2 yr

A man who abandons his wife and children because of his infidelity is no price. I can do better then that, I deserve better then that.

The difficulties and struggles of today are but the price we must pay for the accomplishments and victories of tomorrow

Men must be honest with themselves before they can be honest with others. A man who is not honest with himself presents a hopeless case
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We told you she'd be like this. Be strong!


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"The answer I give is just not good enough for her"

Oh really? Ignore comments like these. Your answer is correct...you will do everything in your power to save your marriage and your family.

Her outbursts, crying, etc. are all par for the course, Mr. A. Stay consistent and firm. You are doing great! Your WW is following the script to the letter. Be strong, stay stable. See how she wants you to be the soft place for her to land, even through her fury?

Lawyer? Does not harm to gather info. One meeting does not = divorce. Gather data, that's all. I seriously doubt that she'll file at all, much less today.

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Originally Posted by MrAmazed
I need some QUICK COACHING HERE. I am meeting with attny at 10:30am. 1 hr from now. ADVISE PLEASE...

That is great!! It sounds like things are going along nicely and you have effectively killed the affair. The next time she plays the suicide card, you MUST CALL 911. Don't play around with that. Just call 911 and have her checked out. That is nothing to play around with.

I wouldn't bother going to an attorney at this time. This isn't going to divorce. Rather, when you see her next explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you are not willing to settle for less and won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. [be a broken record with this last comment!!] In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

2. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

3. no more opposite sex friendships

4. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

5. commit to a program of recovery that restores the romantic love in your marriage

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MrAmazed
She doesn't understand why I had to tell so many people and why not only some close friends and parents perhaps. I told her I just was not sure at this time, which I am really not. I cannot give her a good answer.

You don't HAVE to give her a good answer! And why try to reason with a falling down drunk? It is ridiculous to imagine that she would have been "ok" with a little exposure and not a lot. Who CARES if she approves or not? You are not trying to get her approval, MA, so don't expect it.

The more the wayward HATES the exposure, the greater the BLOW you inflicted on the affair. You inflicted a HUGE BLOW to the affair! smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MrAmazed
She kept insisting on an answer of why I told so many people. I just kept saying to end the affair and save the marriage. She kept asking "what crazy council are you getting that would insist on public humiliation, our church? your christian councelor?" Told her none of her business. Can somebody here give me a good answer to this? The answer I give is just not good enough for her. Tells me I have ruined her forever. I painted the red S on her chest - the scarlet letter.

Tell her you're sorry that she's upset, but her continued adultery is flat out not acceptable. You will do whatever you have to do to keep your marriage and family intact.

It's just blame-shifting.

Originally Posted by MrAmazed
Should I go file for Divorce right now before she might? I am not sure if she really is or not. What message will this send to her if I do? I keep talking I want R as people have said here to do, but I don't wanna be answering to her demands either if she in fact goes through with it.

If it were me, I'd keep your meeting and see what the options are in your state. I wouldn't actually file, but it's good to know what you can and cannot do if things deteriorate.

I would then say to your wife "I spoke with an attorney today and I need to know what your decision is. Are you going to continue with the affairs and leave me and the kids? If you're going to continue with the adultery, then you need to find another place to stay and file for a divorce. I've spoken with your parents (or someone?) and they will let you stay with them for a while. The kids will stay here, they don't need to see you acting like you did earlier. Or you can agree to stop all contact with "Susie's" boyfriend [whatever her name is, refer to him as her boyfriend] and commit to keeping this marriage and family intact, but I will not stay married to you if you're committing adultery."

Write something down and read it to her if you have to. When possible, add "and the kids" to the people that she's leaving or losing. You want her to think of all of the people whose lives are being changed here. Too, it shows her that you're not just going to let her have them such that you become a once-a-weekend-dad.

Originally Posted by MrAmazed
ASIDE: She keeps claiming that Friday nite she stopped by OM house and was only there for 15 min as she saw the OM GF stuff there and realized it just wasn't what she wanted. On her trip down state there was still texting I saw. But she was telling me that it was him trying to pull her back. Claims she had that moment when she heard Blake Sheltons GOD GAVE ME YOU song.

My response would be "That may very well be true, but it's hard to tell right now."

And PLEASE make sure you are updating her family on this suicide crap. Her folks must be involved here, putting pressure on her to do the right thing with this.


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Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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She said yesterday she is going to ohio to see friends we have down there. Not sure if she intends to take kids or not.

I am so hesitant to call 911 as getting cops involved never ends good. I pray she doesnt keep doing this.

thanks ML and others for your advise and support - keep watch for future updates. I am lost on the next steps... don't want her to get in front of me on anything. She is adament about filing NOW.

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Originally Posted by MrAmazed
She said yesterday she is going to ohio to see friends we have down there. Not sure if she intends to take kids or not.

I am so hesitant to call 911 as getting cops involved never ends good. I pray she doesnt keep doing this.

thanks ML and others for your advise and support - keep watch for future updates. I am lost on the next steps... don't want her to get in front of me on anything. She is adament about filing NOW.

Which is why you have to get her family involved with this. Tell them that she is suicidal and planning on taking the kids out of state. Beg them to get involved her if they are not already.

And I'd tell your wife that she is NOT taking the kids anywhere after all the crap she just did in front of them. If she does, call the police and tell them about the suicide threats. Tell them you are worried about the safety of the kids because she's threatening to take them out of state.

And I'd be on the phone with these "friends" telling them what is going on. It could very well be OM that she's going to see.


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Originally Posted by MrAmazed
She said yesterday she is going to ohio to see friends we have down there. Not sure if she intends to take kids or not.

Don't let her take your little kids. You can't prevent her from taking the older kids, but you can prevent her from taking the little ones. Why would you consider allowing a "suicidal" woman to take your kids?

Quote
I am so hesitant to call 911 as getting cops involved never ends good. I pray she doesnt keep doing this.

You have a responsibility to call 911 and get help when she threatens suicide. She is clearly under the impression that high drama will help her regain some control over you and might even go to those lengths to prove it. You really need to call 911 when she does this. It is for her best interest and yours.

Quote
thanks ML and others for your advise and support - keep watch for future updates. I am lost on the next steps... don't want her to get in front of me on anything. She is adament about filing NOW.

She is talking crap. I agree with Northwoods suggestion to find out your rights, but other than that, just tell her if she wants to file, go file. But let her know you won't be cooperating and WILL be introducing her adultery and her instability in order to get primary custody.

In the meantime, please memorize the path back I posted above and start talking to her TODAY about that. Tell her you won't cooperate with any divorce, but will load the barrel with full ammo if she files. Be a broken record and let her know you would be willing to give her a chance to EARN YOUR FORGIVENESS but you refuse to stay in a loveless marriage.

Stay in control of this, MA.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MrAmazed
She is adament about filing NOW.

PLEASE LISTEN TO ME. Your wife is saying this to SCARE you into submission. This is why she played the suicide card. She has been in control of your life for a long time and is upset at the loss of control. You have to STOP REACTING or she will succeed. Let her know she is free to file for divorce if she wants. Don't act like this scares you.

Don't reward her manipulation tactics, MA!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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GET THE VAR TODAY!!!!!
you need to have these conversations and blowups on tape. Im going to bump psubikers tread for you. His is worst case but a var will halt any crazy tactics she could try.


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If there's one thing I learned from Melody, marital, NG, etc....is to let the wayward blather on all they want....most of it is just talk anyway and the addiction speaking...

Hold your ground, stick with MB plan.

Great work exposing....marriages don't exist with a 3rd party present in them.

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WW even threw stuff at me and attacked me. Never hurting me but still. This was in front of both DD11 and DD15. I had fone in hand with 911 ready to call but didn't as DD11 was hysterically pleading with me.

Eventually, after you get through this crisis, and start to live a life based on the MB concepts and practices, you will have a better grounding for your actions than accepting the advice of an eleven-year-old girl.

You were advised that if she turned violent, you should alert the authorities. She now knows you haven't the stomach for that, and will have the ability to maneuver YOU into being the one arrested. As one of two BHs here who admit to that lovely experience (CP, where are you?), permit me to tell you that it does NOT help your efforts in correcting HER misguided actions!

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Waywards are all about threats, bullying, manipulating, and WORDS. They don't take action.

You must stop listening to her. Just imagine "Charlie Brown's teacher" when she talks -- blah blah blah blah blah.

She's mad. Thats understandable. But like I said? Who's transgression is worse? COMMITTING adultery or TELLING about adultery? You have to stop buying into her crap.

Her ideas and thoughts are FOGGY. She is not thinking clearly.
So STOP LISTENING to all of her reasons and ideas! She will think differently when she gets past all of this reactionary anger.

She will burn out. Just wait for it. And stop reacting to her words!

Already she's changed from **filing for divorce first thing monday morning** to **leaving for ohio**. See?

Stay out of her path for now, if you can't stop getting emotional about her words.


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Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
You were advised that if she turned violent, you should alert the authorities. She now knows you haven't the stomach for that, and will have the ability to maneuver YOU into being the one arrested. As one of two BHs here who admit to that lovely experience (CP, where are you?), permit me to tell you that it does NOT help your efforts in correcting HER misguided actions!

Hence the need for the voice-activated recorder (VAR) that was suggested earlier.

And, Mr. A, that's not a trivial suggestion. There actually have been people on here that were arrested because of trumped up domestic abuse charges. I can think of one that was arrested, removed from the home by the judge, spent time in jail and the OM moved into his house.

I doubt your situation would ever get that far, but just play it safe here. Likely, she'll start to calm down in a few days and you guys can have a more productive conversation.



Me (BH)
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Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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