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Please be aware, that YOU are the one that calls the shots here. YOU are the one that decides if she gets to reconcile and YOU state the conditions you need in order to even try!

She does not get to decide anything. She has proved to you again and again and again, that she is NOT reliabe, NOT a fit wife, and most important NOT a fit parent.
She is behaving at BEST like a spoiled brat and worst case as a person with serious mental issues.

Why would you even take that remotely serious what she says?
Dragging the kiddies to church, but xxxxing with another man at the same time, doesn't really make sense does it?

___
The answer I give is just not good enough for her. Tells me I have ruined her forever. I painted the red S on her chest - the scarlet letter.
___

Get some spine her and don't run back into the bush crying, the first time she acts so ridiculously childish. Is this the woman you want raising your children? For heaven's sake, how can you even think about contemplating to let her take them with her?
She is threathening suicide in front of them! What kind of woman would do that???

I understand, that she seemed to be a different person as you married her.
But YOU have to decide now, to which of the two you want to be married. You either show some spine and tell her how things are going to be and you MIGHT have the chance of seeing that good woman again, OR you cave and hold her and try to appease her and

let your 11-year-old daughter decide if and when you are calling the emergency number faint
and the result will be that some mother-turned-lunatic will take and raise your children, because she will not take you seriously.

Come on. No woman will respect you if you knee at her side, as she is having a nervous brakedown.
This is not christianity. You are using religion as an excuse for not doing the things that a good head of the household would do here. You will have to have the guts to clean this temple out! Jesus wasn't a weakling on that.

And to the woman he said, go and sin no more. And this woman did not have a fit in front of the people, because she was truly repentant. your wife is just manipulating you because her little house of cards came falling down. She is pxxxxed because of getting caught and not because of realizing her wrongdoing.

Too bad.

Your family needs a leader here. Not someone who crumbles at the first little bump in the road. YOU should take charge and lead them out of this mess, that you helped create by condoning it for too long and doing nothing. (probably the thing you want to do again now.) Well fat chance. Wake up and move on.

You started to do the right thing, now go ahead and lead the family.

God bless you and work hard.

Happyheart



Last edited by happyheart; 10/17/11 11:12 AM.

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I hope you collected the information from your attorney on the general process. Just remember that your attorney's job will be to position you for the best DIVORCE outcome.
We, here, are positioning you for the best MARRIAGE outcome.

So the advice will be very different.
You need to choose which path to follow.
Your attorney will follow your lead. And we will support you however we can.

MrA -- your WW is all over the board right now. Suicide, mad at you, weeping, praying, threatening.
Let her burn out before you try to reason with her.

She wants to make this all about what YOU have done. Because she can't face what SHE has done.
Let her know that you can get past all of it together. There is a way to have a better marriage.

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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: MrAmazed
She is adament about filing NOW.


PLEASE LISTEN TO ME. Your wife is saying this to SCARE you into submission. This is why she played the suicide card. She has been in control of your life for a long time and is upset at the loss of control. You have to STOP REACTING or she will succeed. Let her know she is free to file for divorce if she wants. Don't act like this scares you.

Don't reward her manipulation tactics, MA!


Yes this is true

If she threatens suicide, call the cops and get help. Yes I know how the cops can mess things up, that is why you need the VAR on you at all times, and.. BE COOL,CALM,and COLLECTED around her and in front of them also..

The police are looking for a rational person to talk to, and they ussually go along with the first person they see. They also need to see a man in control to take his side..so..make sure you are the first to make contact with them, if you feel like it might be nessesary.

This pretence of how you have ruined her life now, is part of her fantasy that it was everybody else who was the cause for her troubles. She thought she had everybody fooled. She might need to have counsel for this and be protected from herself, until she can be brought back to the human race, and reality.

Real people know how adultry can happen, and also know thier weaknesses. Whomever she thought she had fooled, were either not fooled or fools themselves. She has not lost anything in relationship with realistic people on planet earth.

She is losing it because you have woken her up from a dream, which was going to ruin her life in the long run.

Nobody hides the light under a bushel

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Mr Amazed,

What she is going through is very normal based on what she has to face about herself now........let her know that you understand her turmoil and if she is willing to stay in the marriage just the two of you, all of it can be smoothed over with honesty and accountability and with God's help.......
Sometimes if you acknowledge her pain she will believe you understand and maybe can forgive her.......
Right now she is scared and very angry and it is coming out in big droves.......
Let that happen, but keep yourself safe, keep the guns out of reach, and make sure the car keys are hard to find..........giving her a moment to decompress.......don't let things get to that point, walk away, don't engage.....
As far as the lawyer what I did was go, understood what my rights are and left it out for him to see.......didn't do anything, figured that could come later, peoples rights don't change if things aren't filed........
I think even though it doesn't look like it right now, she is processing what she has done and how to make things right........a little olive branch of some sort, tell her it is a very stressful thing for both of you and you could really use a hug, ask her if she could use one as well, try to get that little comfort thing between you going.......I did this and after a couple of weeks, he was the one asking.....and missing it.......
It takes little steps each day to change things.....no matter how small......
something positive to think about, do something she normally does don't tell her let her realize you took care of it for her, no matter how little....
Make sure you speak to your children and make sure they are okay, tell them their mother is lost right now but that you are not going to give up on her and neither should they.............
Make sure they know that they will be taken care of no matter what and that you love them with all your heart and one of the reasons you are fighting .....
stay calm and strong.
Telling her breaking up the affair to save your family is a good enough answer ......she will see it soon......


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
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just talked with her on phone...she is saying she doesnt wanna live anymore still. she is listening to the radio and the program is about christian marriages... ha - God speaking to her smile the guys wife he is talking about is the same as hers. even better.

I just bought VAR and I have some recordings from my phone from yesterday. some stuff angry, some stuff about dying... building my war chest.

She is driving home from work right now. She is taking rest of day off. She called earlier while I was at attorneys office. She was asking if I saw an attorney. I avoided telling her anything and only said I was interested in saving the marriage and open to her working on her forgiveness toward me...foggy head said I should be asking for hers for what I did to her life. I repeated it was her choice that led to this.

I am going to talk with my pastor. Then maybe go home. I locked up the house and she knows because her friend who came over to workout said it was locked. Why she needed in house and not garage where workout room is makes me wonder what is up? Ususally don't lock house but with OM wandering around 40min away from where I work, I wanted it secure.

Thanks again for the encouragement and advise. It is helping me.

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I have experience with the police, when I called them once a long time ago concerning my late WW.

I called them, because I thought things were getting out of hand, and I thought they would listen to me, and help my wife and get her in treatment. I thought I was calling in the right deligated authority for the sitch at hand, and that it was the responsible thing to do, reguardless of what it might have meant for her reputation. Which by the way, I had covered for years, forgiving and restoring, and hiding all of her fallings.

When they showed up, I was outside, and felt,"Ok let them talk to her first, I am not the addict, and I will be able to tell them the truth, when they come out"

When they came out, the women officer in charge put me in handcuffs, and I didn't even have a chance to talk to them. about..
How she was hiding a heroin addiction for two years.

How she had allways been an alcoholic who refused treatment

How unstable she was mentally and emotionally, and how I had tried to cover for that, because of her horrible childhood, and now she has gone off the grid and I could not cover her anymore.

How I called the police to help her.

Once the police have a story and make a decision, they go with it, and my wifes story sounded so plausable,(She knew the buzzwords, and crazy people can sound so convincing, because they really belive what they are saying)
I was a control freak
I attacked her,(Really she attacked me and I restrained her, with my one good arm because I had a broken shoulder)

Police are very familiar with the way guys use drugs to control thier women, so maybe that is why they just assumed I was the guilty party. It didn't help that it was a female officer in charge.

The point being, that contact with the authoritys, did not help my wife, and she was never forced to any treatment plan the rest of her life.

I got a record for it.

Be prepared to use the police wisely, and don't think they will judge correctly. They have a dirty job to do, and you want your wife to get help right?

Take charge of the situation, and do it now


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Originally Posted By: MrAmazed

I just bought VAR and I have some recordings from my phone from yesterday. some stuff angry, some stuff about dying... building my war chest.
Very good, keep those and make sure you have that VAR on anytime she is around.

She is driving home from work right now. She is taking rest of day off. She called earlier while I was at attorneys office. She was asking if I saw an attorney. I avoided telling her anything and only said I was interested in saving the marriage and open to her working on her forgiveness toward me...foggy head said I should be asking for hers for what I did to her life. I repeated it was her choice that led to this.
Also very good, correct answer. She will waffle back and forth between "I will never forgive you" and "I cant believe what I did to us" while coming out of the fog. Just expect it and keep cool.

I am going to talk with my pastor. Remember, dont tell them anything she cant hear since they are talking to her and warning her.Then maybe go home. I locked up the house and she knows because her friend who came over to workout said it was locked. Why she needed in house and not garage where workout room is makes me wonder what is up? Ususally don't lock house but with OM wandering around 40min away from where I work, I wanted it secure.

Thanks again for the encouragement and advise. It is helping me.


Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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Originally Posted By: MrAmazed


Should I go file for Divorce right now before she might?


Please, don't take this the wrong way.
You are (right now) an idiot. MrRollieEyes
You are asking this ridiculous question about filing for divorce ... after experiencing .....

Quote:

told me she had her gun to her head and was going to end her miserable soulless life


Can you tell me why you did not call 911?
It is IRRESPONSIBLE OF YOU not to have reported a suicide threat.

What's wrong with you?

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talked with her on phone...she is saying she doesnt wanna live anymore still."

MA, you need to stop messing around here and go home and call 911. If your wife kills herself it will be on your head for doing nothing. And if she is just being dramatic, she will learn to stop it. But you need to man up here and take control of this situation,


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Ok, I will let you in on a secret. When I as MUCH younger, I tried that threat. My exhusband call 911 and they carted me off the the hospital and had a therapist review my case.

When you are sitting in that room with someone telling you they are going to lock you up for your own good.....if you are bluffing you will tell them right away you are. If you are not bluffing, you need to go with them for your own good anyway.

Next time she does this, call the police but make sure you have that VAR on so you can play it to the officers. No way she can turn it around on you when they hear it from her mouth.


Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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MrA, I think you haven't reacted to her threats of suicide because you recognize them as dramatic attempts to get you to back off, as well as her way of punishing you for what she perceives as a betrayal of her (silly waywards actually think that way after exposure).

You need to call 911 anyway, for two reasons:
- If she's serious you need to get help for her.
- If she's manipulating you, you need to defuse her by showing her the consequence of her baseless threats.

Last edited by maritalbliss; 10/17/11 01:28 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
If she's manipulating you, you need to defuse her by showing her the consequence of her baseless threats.


That's probably going to be the result and serves to bring the bottom up to her a little more.

That kind of behavior around kids is nuts, and this includes your step-children. They need one SANE parent around, and (like it or not) you're it.

Mr. A- nip this suicide crap in the bud. Be sure to play that recording as well when the officers respond.


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Let her file for D, if she wants to. And, you must take any action the lawyer advised in order to protect your finances and custody.

As for her blaming you for "over-exposure", tell her, "you made me watch my wife carry on her affair for months right in front of my eyes. I have been pushed to the edge where I had to do this. This was my last ditch effort to end your affair. I know this embarassed you, but it embarassed me too. You have emasculated me by continuing this affair while you know I am aware, and now I had to let everyone know I have been a cuckhold husband all this time. This kills me too."

At this point, it will be a waiting game. I would advise Plan A, but make sure you do not smother her. She does not deserve it, and it makes you less attractive. Keep telling her you want to save this family.

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The votes are in

Call the po-po to protect her from herself

Be the first one to bring up the issue, and the strong one who admits they need help

Know that what you say, is the previos step to what you will do

Threats of violence are not to be trifulled with

Please don't enable her anymore, in her misunderstanding, and whatever spiritual toxicity she is entertaining in her mind.

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Originally Posted By: lonewolf999
Let her file for D, if she wants to. And, you must take any action the lawyer advised in order to protect your finances and custody.


I would caution here that sometimes it's in the BH's best interests to file first. The BH can then control the process of the D (or stop it entirely) while working on restoring the M.

I'd suggest that the BH discuss the situation with his attorney and get legal advice on the matter.


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So what have you done to protect the ones you love?

Its been a few hours and we are worried about you.

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Originally Posted By: MrAmazed

My personal phone was dumped into toilet as she & I struggled over it. she took it and started to read sent msgs and found where i had sent OM txts to my phone which I emailed to myself and secret account. Told her I did that to rub it in her face when she lied about contact.


He may still only be able to get to us while at work. Not sure if he got a new phone today.


Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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Oh, I thought he had a laptop at home too. Maybe I missed something

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Originally Posted By: ConstantProcess
Oh, I thought he had a laptop at home too. Maybe I missed something
I think it's a dinosaur, or he has trouble logging on. I think he mentioned that he was having a lot of trouble with it a few days ago.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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He was using his cell phone as a hot spot...otherwise no internet at home.


Married 1976
Me:BS
Him:FWS
MB Weekend March 2003
2 S's: '77 & '80, 1 D: '82
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