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[quote=CaracalI still had a good night post play. Nice to wear a new dress and chat with friends. I have realised though that I do have to be very wary of male attention. The self-esteem has taken a nose-dive, and I had a few guys approaching me. They weren't my type anyway and I extricated myself easily, but it gave me a bit of a wake-up call that my ego is really bruised with all of this. My ego sees any attention as good attention. Yep, EN's would be easily met, even by someone who is all wrong for me. NOT going to happen, one heartbreak at a time thanks. [/quote]

Yeah its a bit scary isnt it? A bit of a bummer too - you either sit in with your knitting or have to dodge attention and describe your relationship status to strangers.

Ive been going on lots of girly dinners etc, but the real world and mingling is very nice too!

Good to see you taking care of yourself and being so aware.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by indiegirl
Yeah its a bit scary isnt it? A bit of a bummer too - you either sit in with your knitting or have to dodge attention and describe your relationship status to strangers.
.....mingling is very nice too!

"Knitting".....Hmmmmm......I call it HISTORY Channel, SCIENCE Channel, MILITARY Channel.....etc,etc,etc

I've had more phone numbers pushed into my hand since word has gotten out that I'm living alone..... wink

But......taking that "High Road".......taking that "Narrow Path".......it's the goal....right? faint


BH(Me)= 55
WW(Her)=43
DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!)
Married=13 yrs
Together=16.5 yrs
THIS IS MY STORY
WW moved out of the home = May 1,2011
D-Day=July 4, 2011
Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!.....as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!
"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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Originally Posted by indiegirl
Yeah its a bit scary isnt it? A bit of a bummer too - you either sit in with your knitting or have to dodge attention and describe your relationship status to strangers.
Sooo scary. I have heard some absolute horror stories (to me) on dating from friends and family who have divorced. Seems there is a "rule" that you don't have to sleep with someone by the third date, but by the fifth you do??? OMG, that is just not me, even when I am ready to date I will not be following these "rules".

I think I must be old-fashioned. None of my divorced friends / family understand my committment to my vows. A misguided sense of loyalty to my WH perhaps, but not to myself.

As for relating my relationship status to strangers... I just can't. I am really struggling with this step, despite liking reading's version, I can't bring myself to say "estranged husband". Instead, I say "single" after a pause where I struggle with my answer. A total avoidance technique that I know is not right. Until I can actually articulate on an everyday basis "separated" I know I am a danger to good men, so I avoid that at all costs because I don't want to portray being available when I am not. Funny though, with men not my type I still throw out "married" as a way to deflect. crazy huh?

Maybe I need to learn how to knit!


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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Originally Posted by BillCarolina
But......taking that "High Road".......taking that "Narrow Path".......it's the goal....right? faint
Bill, great to hear from you! Waiting for an update when you are ready...

It may be difficult taking the "high road" but better that then being wayward huh? I admit, sometimes with all of the bandaid advice and "phone numbers" thrown my way, I think, if you can't beat em, join em. But then I think about what that means... nope. Not going there. I WILL take the high road, and damn proud of it!


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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I wouldn't tell anyone that you are single.

I say, "I am married, but my husband is having an affair and I asked him to end it or leave. I don't think that was asking for much, do you?"

I have a friend who is thinking about leaving her husband. There is no affair on either side, yet. I have tried to point her here, but she is done. She asked me about SF. I told her that I am married still, so that is off the table. Then she said, "So, you're not going to have SF until after you are divorced, and you haven't even filed for a D yet?" I said, "Well, I can't have SF with a man while I am still married to another one. And I don't want to get a D just so I can have SF." SERIOUSLY. I don't understand. For me, like you, SF isn't something that NEEDS to be done by the fifth date. Come on. I would have such a hard time dating, and I guess I wouldn't be going on very many fifth dates, and definitely sixth ones.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Instead of
estranged husband
how about
wayward husband.

Then people can wonder if he is cheating on you or traveling far for some reason AND, caracal....yours IS on another continent!







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Originally Posted by reading
Instead of
estranged husband
how about
wayward husband.

Then people can wonder if he is cheating on you or traveling far for some reason AND, caracal....yours IS on another continent!
Thanks reading, I am going to try a variation of this... wandering husband. Bet I will get some puzzled looks!


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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Okay, a question that with the amount of reading I am doing on this site I should know the answer to. Funny how when it is my own sitch... I become so unsure of myself. Lucky WH and I are not looking at recovery, you poor lot would be inundated from me!

I received an email from someone who has purchased an old vehicle of husband and mine. This guy sounds like a bit of a collector and wants to get the history of it, where we travelled in it etc along with the mechanics. Too triggery for me (just seeing a photo of the vehicle bought back too many happy and now bittersweet memories). Besides, I am not up with the mechanics, that was husband's side of things.

My own reaction... I feel bad ignoring this guy (cause the vehicle has been published in a book as well and I was proud of that and bet he would be).

My IM will likely be contacting WH sometime this week anyway about money from the sale of our current car (if it has sold). Sooo, should I get IM to forward this email to WH, or is this something that just gets binned in Plan B? I don't want WH to think I am offering an olive branch without his meeting my PBL conditions.



Last edited by Caracal; 11/18/11 02:21 AM. Reason: For clarity

Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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I would ignore the man. But, if you do want to answer, just say something like, "I don't know much about the car's history. I do know that it was written about in XXX book. I hope you enjoy the car."

The burning question I am having though is, how did he get in contact with you? That's just creepy.

No, don't pass any of this on to WH.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted by Scotland
I would ignore the man. But, if you do want to answer, just say something like, "I don't know much about the car's history. I do know that it was written about in XXX book. I hope you enjoy the car."

The burning question I am having though is, how did he get in contact with you? That's just creepy.

No, don't pass any of this on to WH.

Well, If it triggers you then no need to deal with it at all. Yeah Scotty I agree how, and why, is he contacting you?

But you can one time through IM pass it on to WH, and then block him from your email list. He probably does not care about your personal business, and I would not bring it up or draw attention to it either, but distraction can work wonders.

Of course, your WH may be an azz and give him an earful, and therefore cause you problems.

Is it because you used to share an Email Address? See if I remember right, you lived in a rural area, and if so, I would not be advertising that you were a single woman, if people knew where you lived, to any males, unless you have a bunch of big dogs.

The only reason I even mentioned the posibility of forwarding the Email is because you said you enjoyed seeing it published as one of the owners also. I don't want to see you lose anything Caracal, If you kwim


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Thanks for the advice Scotty and CP. And for the concern about my safety... CP, you are right, H and I used to share email addy, and I do live in a rural area. But the new owner lives in Europe, and doesn't know anything about me. I think he must have got my email address off the previous buyer (who we sold to) as the Ebay sale needed us to communicate offline to arrange shipping. Is worrying how contact details get forwarded though, I hadn't really thought about that.

I am going to get IM to forward it to WH to do the right thing by the new buyer, well, I will feel I have tried to do the right thing, whether WH responds is not my problem. And I'll block the buyer.


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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My reaction to triggers has gotten weird. The email, seeing WH's name and mine written side by side by a third party. A separate one (the same day!), sending my brother an email with an attached file, and the file showing up on his phone as saved under WH's name (don't know why?). Minor triggers, nothing major. But I felt really anxious after, pounding heart, minor nausea, lots of memories sort of overwhelmed me. I got annoyed with myself and went out with my mum for a coffee. Back to normal now.

I have started to wonder if this a low level of PTSD... I have read that some BS do suffer this. Is my reaction normal?

It did lead me to think, I doubt I am capable of recovery with WH. If seeing his name in writing brings on anxiety and nausea, imagine hearing from him or seeing him. I read from a FWS on MB that they felt their FBS had to live and sleep beside the person who had abused them, and I can really see this now.

I'll keep focussing on personal recovery. But the question is in my mind now... even if WH wanted to recover and even if I still wanted to, I just don't think I am emotionally or physically able to.

Maybe just a bad week. My deceased BIL's birthday so already melancholy.


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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Your reactions to triggers are quite normal. You questioning whether you will be able to recover with your WH is also quite normal. Look at that, YOU are quite normal. wink

I wonder why you made the decision to forward the email to your WH through you I.M. Honestly, if I were your I.M. I would probably not forward it to your WH as it has NOTHING to do with finances. Did you make the decision to forward the email before or after you were triggered?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted by Caracal
But I felt really anxious after, pounding heart, minor nausea, lots of memories sort of overwhelmed me.


Very normal! At least, it has happened to me just like that. Its a trauma and you relive it while you are still healing.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Good question Scotty, was it a reaction or a planned out action?

I suggested forwarding because she enjoyed being attached to her car, not because she owes WH anything

She might just want to maintain her respectful and professional relationship with the buyer

See, triggers are gonna happen, the most you can do is have damage control.

There will be reactions also, mixed with actions.

The real important issue is YOU Caracal, and that is what MB is all about, PLB is separating yourself from anything that has to do with WH, and his childish actions, that tug at your heartstrings, and make you want to connect to him

MB, and the people here, value the marrige relationship, above all others.

Separating the precious from the vile, is unfortunately, left to the adults who love

It is a painful process, but be careful, of the triggers, and what is attatched to them

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Sigh, the triggers are coming thick and fast for me at the moment. Nothing major, just a bumpy ride on the rollercoaster.

Turned the radio on this morning and heard my SIL chatting away about Xmas parties. Not what I needed. I think I find the rejection and abandonment by the in-laws harder than WH at the moment. After all, he is suffering from his head tickling his tonsils, but the in-laws have no such excuse.

On a positive note (since so many of my posts are on the negative, and there are positives), the weather is fantastic. I have been going for an hour walk along the river after work, doing things for me.


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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Originally Posted by Caracal
On a positive note (since so many of my posts are on the negative, and there are positives), the weather is fantastic. I have been going for an hour walk along the river after work, doing things for me.


Do not underestimate this! It is GRIM here. the cold weather has completely destoyed my 'look amazing' diet plan and ushered in a plan centering on comfort food!


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Thanks Indie, nice to know the weather is grim there, cheers me up as lately I have been missing all things British. Especially TV. I loved the BBC docs, and even heard that Strictly Come Dancing with good old Brucie is on. I miss sitting down with a glass of wine to watch that. Australia's version is just out and out awful. But then I suppose it is good I watch much less TV because of that.

Tonight by the river I got really close to a kookaburra, really magnificent bird.


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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On top of my triggery morning hearing SIL, my IM let me know she can't get a response out of WH about finances from the car. She has text twice over the space of the week, having already given him a months notice that his wife would like him to buy her share of the car out if he is not selling it.

Seems WH is now so self-absorbed that he can't text back. I'm not sure what infuriates me more, the lack of respect for me and our marriage, or the lack of respect for my IM.

WH is very lucky he is on a different continent today is all I can say. I have to say hats off to you BS in Plan B who are in the same town. The temptation of Plan FU is great.

I know all of the advice was that I should not bother about the car until divorce. In Australia though you are encouraged to sort out property division during separation and without Courts.

I do have some personal reasons for wanting this car finalised. I want the money, pure and simple. And I also view this car as a further betrayal in some way that I want out of. Firstly, my XWSIL took my betrayed brother's car when she ran off with OM (and took her car and had OM's car as well) leaving my brother stranded and unable to visit his son that she took to a city. I feel like history is repeating itself in our family, though I am nowhere near as bad off as my brother was due to not having a child.

But also, this car was a real achievement for us in planning our trips, and we both spent a lot of time and effort on it. We lived and travelled in that car for over 12 months. And now WH is driving farm ho around in front of the friends who waved us off on our trip. I want no connection to that car any more and I want my share of it on principle. Does that make any sense at all?

I am thinking about even getting a solicitor involved, although the expense and needing a UK solicitor is making me slow down and think seriously about this.

Maybe I am just beating a dead horse. It is, after all, only a car.


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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Quote
Maybe I am just beating a dead horse. It is, after all, only a car.

That's the thing about this. Why are you fighting so hard for it? Not that you shouldn't be, but there are things that you can't do unless you do certain things first. I would say that until you are willing to get attorneys involved, you could either get your IM to send a message about it every couple of months, or so.

Are you fighting for the car because you know that it would be a hardship on him? Is that the intent in fighting to get him to hand over the money?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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