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Originally Posted By: Hopefateluv
I have ordered the book you suggested there was no place on my area that had it in stock so I will be reading it as soon as I get it. I am trying to find an IM but no success most don't want to be involved. I'm also seeing a counselor weekly to help me cope some days are better than others and I'm trying my best to focus on the good ones. Thank you for pointing me in the right direction and I am sorry for being confusing at times my thinking is very muddled right now as to be expected.


Hope, you are doing great under the circumstances! I am so sorry you are in this mess. Just know that this is not hopeless.

Do you have someone from church who would be your IM? It doesn't have to be anyone you know. Being an IM is a very easy job if you do it right. I can even help the person get through the land mines.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Hopefateluv

I do have a lawyer and he knows my family not sure if that is good or bad. I also can not call my husband because he will not answer I am lucky to get a response via text about even things that have to do with our son. We are both still young and he text me to say he wants nothing at our house and it was all stuff that the two of us have worked hard to get together. Is this just him being self absorbed? I'm going to work on my love letter today and try to devise a plan. It's def hard with a two year old running around but I have to keep in mind that I know I can do this and stick to that frame of mind.


When does he see the 2 year old? What arrangements have been set up to see him?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Ok so as I read over my letter I'm not so sure of it. My husband has no desire to work on our marriage at all and I am not sure if I should be insinuating that I am hoping for such a thing. The OW is defiantly moving in with him at his friends house. I am just not so sure of any of this. My family though being supportive of me so far thinks that I am crazy I'm trying my best to follow my heart and my heart tells me that I have to understand what I didn't do right in my marriage to create the environment in which this could happen but they keep telling me this isn't my fault. I know I didn't make him do this but it takes 2 to make a marriage work and only one wrong judgement to make things wrong.


Me BS 25
WH 23
One son 2
Married 2 years
D day Aug 29, 2011
Spouse informed me himself wanted to reconcile then continued to see OW

You can know joy despite hideous circumstances.
MelodyLane #2578320 12/27/11 01:13 PM
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Right now there are no arrangements for him to see his son he would usually watch him on Wed nights when I worked but he is not willing to do so without the OW. He has not contacted me about seeing his son other than Christmas and said we will work out custody issues when we go to court. I have never once told him he couldn't see his son but he keeps turning his back to both of us and I don't know what to do.


Me BS 25
WH 23
One son 2
Married 2 years
D day Aug 29, 2011
Spouse informed me himself wanted to reconcile then continued to see OW

You can know joy despite hideous circumstances.
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Originally Posted By: Hopefateluv
Ok so as I read over my letter I'm not so sure of it. My husband has no desire to work on our marriage at all and I am not sure if I should be insinuating that I am hoping for such a thing. The OW is defiantly moving in with him at his friends house. I am just not so sure of any of this. My family though being supportive of me so far thinks that I am crazy I'm trying my best to follow my heart and my heart tells me that I have to understand what I didn't do right in my marriage to create the environment in which this could happen but they keep telling me this isn't my fault. I know I didn't make him do this but it takes 2 to make a marriage work and only one wrong judgement to make things wrong.



----Remember, each person is responsible for their own actions. You are correct that it takes 2 for a marriage to work. But with addictive behaviors, be it alcohol or affairs, the addict will ALWAYS blame the other person. During this time, which may be the most difficult of your life, it is important that you DO NOT allow the affair (or the spouses drinking, or drug use, etc) to turn you into a POWERLESS VICTIM.
Marriage Builders Forum will help you take steps so you will NOT be a POWERLESS VICTIM that gets ABUSED and walked on by your spouse.
Follow the recommendations from MB and keep your head up; eat healthy, taking sleeping pills if you have trouble sleeping, try to exercise, get a babysitter and go out with a girlfriend. ISOLATE YOURSELF FROM YOUR SPOUSES SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS

Last edited by HDW; 12/27/11 01:33 PM.
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"I have ordered the book you suggested there was no place on my area that had it in stock so I will be reading it as soon as I get it. I am trying to find an IM but no success most don't want to be involved. I'm also seeing a counselor weekly to help me cope some days are better than others and I'm trying my best to focus on the good ones. Thank you for pointing me in the right direction and I am sorry for being confusing at times my thinking is very muddled right now as to be expected."

--Hope, I did not have anyone as an IM but when I reached out to my church elders one of them was very happy to serve as an IM.
I would strongly encourage you to reach out to your church. Give them guidelines (from the MB site) on what an IM should do.

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Originally Posted By: Hopefateluv
Ok so as I read over my letter I'm not so sure of it. My husband has no desire to work on our marriage at all and I am not sure if I should be insinuating that I am hoping for such a thing. The OW is defiantly moving in with him at his friends house. I am just not so sure of any of this. My family though being supportive of me so far thinks that I am crazy I'm trying my best to follow my heart and my heart tells me that I have to understand what I didn't do right in my marriage to create the environment in which this could happen but they keep telling me this isn't my fault. I know I didn't make him do this but it takes 2 to make a marriage work and only one wrong judgement to make things wrong.


Hope, first off, I want you to STOP "following your heart." That is not what grown ups do. You are not a teenage girl anymore. So put your emotions aside and follow your MIND instead. The reason your husband had an affair is because he has poor boundaries around women. He is 100% to blame. It takes 2 to make a marriage work but only 1 person to run off and have an affair. You did not make him have an affair.

We know your husband has no desire to work on the marriage NOW. We already know that. The letter tells him what YOUR conditions are for him to come back or to even contact you. The letter is giving him your conditions to reconcile the marriage IF he ends his affair. He needs to know this for when his affair falls apart.

Quote:
Right now there are no arrangements for him to see his son he would usually watch him on Wed nights when I worked but he is not willing to do so without the OW. He has not contacted me about seeing his son other than Christmas and said we will work out custody issues when we go to court. I have never once told him he couldn't see his son but he keeps turning his back to both of us and I don't know what to do.


If he doesn't care to see his son, then I wouldn't worry about it for now. In your letter, tell him you will be glad to make his son available to him for visitation at his mothers house [does his mother live close by?] but that the OW is to NEVER be around your child.

You don't allow the the filthy wh*re around your child unless there is a court order that is accompanied by an ARMED sheriff. You protect your child.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Hopefateluv

I do have a lawyer and he knows my family not sure if that is good or bad.


Tell the lawyer that you want to:

a) countersue on grounds of adultery

b) you want primary custody of the child

c) full possession of your home

d) financial support and child support

e) you want it put in the papers that his adultery partner is TO NEVER BE AROUND YOUR CHILD

You need to tell your lawyer that this is what you expect. Most lawyers are lazy and will take the path of least resistance. If your lawyer won't get this stuff for you, then you need to find a more aggressive lawyer.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Does your MIL live close by? Or any other relatives, close friends that could facilitate visitation?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2578365 12/27/11 02:39 PM
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His dad and step mother could take care of visitation but he wants nothing to do with his family. He has also told me that there are drugs that go in and out of the house that he is staying at so I absolutely don't want my son down there let alone because the OW is staying there.


Me BS 25
WH 23
One son 2
Married 2 years
D day Aug 29, 2011
Spouse informed me himself wanted to reconcile then continued to see OW

You can know joy despite hideous circumstances.
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Well, you arrange the visitations at his dad's home, and if he chooses not to go there, that's within his rights, as it is within yours to keep your son away from a dangerous environment. Make sure you let your lawyer know about the residence that your WH is living and to fight tooth and nail to keep your son from such an unfit place.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
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Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

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? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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Hope,
If there are drugs involved then you should call Child Protective Services and tell them that your childs father is in a drug house. Ask them to investigate.
You need to protect your child and the Children Services can be involved in ensuring that YOU have full legal custody.

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I am going to make several points when I speak with my lawyer if there is anything that someone hasn't already posted please let me know I want to have my head as straight as possible


Me BS 25
WH 23
One son 2
Married 2 years
D day Aug 29, 2011
Spouse informed me himself wanted to reconcile then continued to see OW

You can know joy despite hideous circumstances.
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Originally Posted By: Hopefateluv
His dad and step mother could take care of visitation but he wants nothing to do with his family. He has also told me that there are drugs that go in and out of the house that he is staying at so I absolutely don't want my son down there let alone because the OW is staying there.


Then you should set up visitation at his dad and step mothers. He can take it or leave it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: HDW
Hope,
If there are drugs involved then you should call Child Protective Services and tell them that your childs father is in a drug house. Ask them to investigate.
You need to protect your child and the Children Services can be involved in ensuring that YOU have full legal custody.


AGREE.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2578416 12/27/11 05:38 PM
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Ok so I know there are certain people that I just need to stop listening to. I have a friend who is trying to tell me that what is going on is more than an affair but isn't this in a sense a classic case of one my H left me to be with another women that he believes he is in love with. I know I shouldn't be doubting myself in this but I am. I should still have some hope right? Isn't that what gets us through the darkest hour?


Me BS 25
WH 23
One son 2
Married 2 years
D day Aug 29, 2011
Spouse informed me himself wanted to reconcile then continued to see OW

You can know joy despite hideous circumstances.
Joined: Apr 2001
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Originally Posted By: Hopefateluv
I have a friend who is trying to tell me that what is going on is more than an affair


crazy huh? What is the "more?"


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2578428 12/27/11 06:30 PM
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Ok as long as someone is on the same page the friend is trying to tell me that they are in love so that makes it more than an affair but isn't that what most affairs are?


Me BS 25
WH 23
One son 2
Married 2 years
D day Aug 29, 2011
Spouse informed me himself wanted to reconcile then continued to see OW

You can know joy despite hideous circumstances.
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Originally Posted By: Hopefateluv
Ok as long as someone is on the same page the friend is trying to tell me that they are in love so that makes it more than an affair but isn't that what most affairs are?


That is exactly what affairs are. An affair is defined as an immoral relationship between a married person and someone other than their spouse. And in 99% of affairs, the infidels are in "luuuuuuuuuuuurve." One night stands are very rare.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Your "friend" is dressing up a load of horse hockey with a layer of chocolate and telling you that it's bon-bons...

It's still horse hockey, though.

It's not "love" - it's an addiction...an addiction to something that is not only destroying your WHs life, it's destroying your family, you, and it'll touch and taint all who know and love the both of you.

Listen to Mel. Listen here. They can see through chocolate to the insides of the bonbons.

Trust me. My marriage was saved because of these people.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

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