Don't mention it Tex.

CV

I'm not sure that telling a fogged-out WW that her AP called you to apologize is a particularly great idea.

I may be wrong.

However, I would surely have all phone numbers changed so OM/OMW cannot contact either of you again.

Thanks y'all.....

HHH..... My number is a corporate phone #, so I can't change mine.

He "promised" me he would never call her. The reason he called was to see if I was harassing his wife on FB....which I am not. He lost his job and doesn't have a cell # now, and deleted his FB last Nov. My WW has no way of contacting him.

Thanks for confirming my decision.

I'm not certain that I am correct. But, I will share my rationale here; I would not tell my wife anything that would possibly grant any positive view or thoughts of her former AP. Fortunately, when I exposed to his pregnant girlfriend, he acted in such a cowardly manner, and employed such weak deceptions that it really decimated the remaining fog.


The best part about exposure? An AP that throws the WS under the bus.


Eh... I'm rambling...

Strict radio silence. OM is dead to both of you. I wouldn't bring his name up for good OR bad. If you heard he was sent to prison I wouldn't say anything either - just mentioning his name is a trigger for both of you.

MB,

I agree. OM is dead to me. Do I need to make sure OMW knows of our conversation?

Hey Tex, buddy.... How are things going for you? how did this turn out?

CV

A quick update....

I have not called OMW, I don't want to open the Line of communication with them again. They are gone.

My WW and I did well during the holiday's, but she is still refusing to meet my SF need. It has now been over 6 months.....We are approaching the 6 month day from D-Day. This was to be my self imposed date to go to Plan B. I don't know now.

I think and day dream of leaving more than ever. I have thoughts of other women. Every women who talks to me or even smiles at me enters these thoughts. I end them and think of my WW but my feelings for her are weakening.

I need advice. I don't want to tell WW about all my thoughts. We have not moved to the point where we are sharing every thought yet. We talk about future, about our kids and other topics. We do not discuss the PA or the ramifications. She has my EP's and knows what they are for, but for some reason, she refuses SF. I do not want to live as roommates anymore. I want to be loved, adored, and respected. I want to feel the touch of someone who wants to touch me. This sucks.

Any advice?

Are you sure she is NC?

Or that she is not in another A?

There is NC and no new affair. She is so remorseful, she feels so bad, that I doubt she ever talks to another man. It's just her lack of SF and affection towards me.

My anger and resentment towards her are growing........

Her lack of SF and affection
screams
contact.

Why? A woman's list of emotional needs contains
affection

She offers SF to get it

unless it is being met somewhere else.

Snoop. She may have taken it deeper.

Don't be so sure there is no contact. Snoop deeper.

Tex,

I'm sad to have to agree with you. I would start preparing a plan B letter for your 6 month mark. I would carefully explain to her the reasons (when you get there) for the need for planB and what needs to be done to fix it.

Remember, plan B leaves the door open for a remorseful spouse while you are healing.

There is remorse and there is self pity. I wonder if you are confusing remorse for self-pity?

CV

Why not call the Harley's?

Or send an email to their radio show that's free and they may respond on the air.

CV you may be correct. I could be confusing her remorse and self pity. I know she has both, but the self pity may have a larger role in her emotions right now.

So, how do I go into Plan B? Do I ask her to leave the house? I don't want to leave? Once apart, what conditions do I use to reconnect? If I know her, she will give in to SF just to stay. I don't want that. I want her to want to stay and to meet my needs....the way I am meeting hers.

I feel like such a fool. It would have been easier to walk 6 months ago. Now it's going to look like I'm a heartless sob.

I've written to the radio show.

Tex,

I am hoping some plan B experts will help on this and correct me where I am wrong here.


1. So, how do I go into Plan B? Do I ask her to leave the house? I don't want to leave? Once apart, what conditions do I use to reconnect?

I would ask her to leave. Have you seen the plan B letter? Tell her that you cannot have contact unless there is true work being done for her to prove herself. Plan B is about protecting yourself. It is about getting yourself strong, and she has kept you racing here and there with this SF thing. One of the reasons that I think this is self pity is that she still has not emotionally reconnected with you and remains withdrawn. IN retrospect, while I think that exploring the idea she may have a hormone imbalance and it is still a possibility she needs to see a Dr, concerning touch aversion, I think Markos' post on your other thread is probably closer to home at this point


2. If I know her, she will give in to SF just to stay. I don't want that. I want her to want to stay and to meet my needs....the way I am meeting hers.

I am not sure this is necessarily a bad idea. Recovery after marriage is often pressing through things we don't like. It's not like you are asking for a sex marathon every week. You are just asking for an important essential need to be met. There were times i looked at my wife with utter disgust after the affair (a few times I actually ran to the bathroom and vomited), but pressed through with SF anyway, because I knew it was essential to our recovery and it got easier. I know my W was afraid of sex with me because she knew I was on the roller coaster, but it got easier for her too. It was also an opportunity for me to demonstrate that it wasn't just about me, but us. That I was interested in her. I welcome others thoughts here.

3. I feel like such a fool. It would have been easier to walk 6 months ago. Now it's going to look like I'm a heartless sob.

No Tex, you are not a fool. You were advised to wait 6 months because it was the right and wise thing to do. Waiting 6 months gave you space to make an informed decision rather than a purely emotional one. It gave her opportunity to get things moving in the right direction and begin repairing her mess. It doesn't make you look heartless or like an SOB, it makes you look like a kind compassionate man who is working hard and trying to recover, but is hitting his wall.


CV

CV,

Thanks for your words. I'll wait to see if others agree.

Asking her to leave is hard to even think about.

I know, Tex, I know. Hopefully it will be a wakeup for her.

CV

I do not want to live as roommates anymore. I want to be loved, adored, and respected. I want to feel the touch of someone who wants to touch me...My anger and resentment towards her are growing...

And day-by-day, TTS, you're subconsciously doing the "leave/stay" algebra. Almost inevitably, without a vector change, you'll someday choose to bail. Why?

A - Your LB$ is steadily shrinking (might be close to zero now, if "anger" and "resentment" are the words to describe your feelings toward her) with her dismissive attitude. So, you're going to be LESS inclined to do the work with her to put your union back on track.

B - She (and indirectly, you) are getting more accustomed to NOT being connected emotionally and romantically. This "new normal" roommate paradigm will be harder to break as it becomes more ingrained.

So, while the thought of doing the work will become less attractive, the amount of work is going to be greater. Another good/bad/ugly scenario will appear where good is recovery, bad is dissolution, and ugly is living the torture you're living now.

If you cannot get her to see (or she doesn't care) that the probable path is to dissolution, then you'll have to make a decision.

Texas - Your six months are up, and if you are ready for Plan B, then I strongly suggest getting it going.

1) ARe your finances in order?
2) Have you spoken to an attorney concerning custody? I would go for full custody
3) Writer her the best darn Plan B letter on the planet. Give her a specific path home to you and the kids.

The key will be to not support her financially and you get the kids most of the time. Let her feel how divorce will feel.

If you cannot muster up anymore Plan A without going into hate, then please do Plan B.

Sample of Plan B letter please?

We are going on a date Sat night, I will discuss then. She is going to want to discuss with her counselor.