Are you entering Plan B? The last time you posted was almost 2 months ago. Are you ready to enter Plan B now?

Status on exposure?

The last posts talked about you telling the workplace and keeping in touch with OWH.

Are your finances separated?

You should be in Plan B by now!

What he is doing is not 'checking in' its cake eating - half time with you half time with her - best of both worlds.

Plan B takes away his cake until he agrees NC with OW.

You are in Plan C which is stressful, useless, sees the BS get used as cake and is the quickest path to divorce.

Tel him plainly that you are going to divorce him unless he shapes up. That is part of the stick of Plan A - carrot and stick.

So where are you in your MB plans?

I spoke to Dr. Harley yesterday on the show and I feel a little better about what I am doing. He said he was tempted to tell me to just file for a divorce and see what my WH would do. But he told me to have no contact except with concern of our son and to give him 3 months. I am transitioning into Plan B. The only contact I have with him right now is about figuring out our money situation and splitting our cell phone accounts, as he no longer uses his personal phone he just uses his work phone.

I am going back to school to finish my degree so if our marriage does not survive this then I will be able to get a good job. He is still supporting us and I have put together a monthly budget to let him know our expenses and he has agreed to continue to cover those expenses.

I have spoken to a lawyer already and gotten legal advice and counsel just in case he were to go file. As he has threaten that within the past month.

On another note, the OWH called me today and told me that he is filing for a divorce. That he found out that OW had had another A in 2009 (same yr that her A with my WH started). I didn't figure this was her first one b/c she is such a skank. But I told the OWH that I would speak with his lawyer if I needed to. My lawyer told me that any further contact with OWH should be through email so it is all documented as to what is being said. So I told him that and gave him my secondary email address and told him that if he had any questions or needed to tell me something then he needed to email it to me. This man just wants to sit on the phone and confide in me. He has told me that he would like us to continue talking to make it look like something was going on between us and I said no that I would not do that. We have no reason to just call each other. I am not a therapist for him and he doesn't need to be confiding in me. That is not going to help either one of our situations. He said okay to emailing me. Then he called me again this afternoon! I did not answer, as I had already told him he needs to email me anything he has to say.

I think that about updates everything.

I'm sorry you're still having a rough time, SG, but I'm glad to hear that you were able to talk to Dr. H. It sounds like you're doing well in spite of your WH.

And I second your decision to control OWH's access to you. It is fairly common for one betrayed spouse to over-identify with the other. Good for you, to keep his contact with you in its proper place.

It's done. I meet with WH at phone store and got my own account set up and gave him the budget and my Plan B letter. Told him to read it later. I didn't want to stand there while he read it. So he called me at 6:30 tonight and said he read the letter and he will respect my decision for only contact about our son. I wanted to make sure he knew this was not a punishment for him but that as long as he is in contact with me and the OW then he will not be able to make a decision. He got defensive and said that he was just trying to figure things out and "get his head back in the game". I'm not sure how long this phase will last. I'm praying it's not years. I don't know if I can take it that long. Now the hard part for me is to stand strong on these boundaries. YIKES!!

So, he read your letter and then immediately broke your conditions and you LET him? Second, I don't understand, you are going to communicate about your son? This doesn't sound like Plan B to me. Plan B is NO COMMUNICATIONS with your WS. You use an IM.

I don't think I broke any boundaries by answering that one call to let him tell me he would respect my decision. And Dr. Harley is the one who told me that contact regarding our son was okay. I'm doing what Dr. Harley advised me to do.

Do you have an intermediary (IM)?

The idea is that you have zero contact with him so that you can distance yourself from the drama and find some bit of sanity and peace. Too, it keeps WH from getting any needs met by you which may turn things around.

But if you're still in contact on subjects concerning only your son, you're still interacting with him and are still in his little circus. It won't be long before he calls for some obscure thing about your son only to have the conversation devolve when he starts an argument about something.

This NC is hard. I'm keeping busy with my little boy and friends so I don't think of him so much. But it's the down time when I wonder what he's doing and if he even misses me. I can't wait for school to start to I will be way to busy to even think about him in my down time. Well, I won't have down time between my son, school, homework, work, and my bible study class.
But next Wednesday is our 10 yr anniversary. That's gonna be a tough one.

Do you have an IM?

Has he called, texted, emailed since 1/3/12?

Have you spoken, emailed or texted him since then?

We just want to make sure that you have zero contact with him so that you can get away from the drama and have a little peace for once.

See how you feel right now? Well, EVERY time that your WH contacts you, you will feel like this afterwards. This is why I asked about an IM.

It will get easier the longer you are in NC. You do need to keep yourself busy, and when you get triggered, resist the urge to contact him.

Do you have any triggers around, like pics, things he gave you, etc? You need to tuck those away for a while. It will help.

The quickest way to get it easy is to cut all contact with him and go dark. That way you won`t be as triggered about him.

Th POSOW's H emailed me and asked if I was with him New Years. I told him no and that my WH would not keep our son like he was suppose to. He didn't pick him up till 2 on Sunday. He emailed me back and said that it pretty much confirmed to him that they had spent the night together. She had taken the kids to him and said she was going out of town for a concert but would not tell him with who and she didn't come home that night.

I mean I knew that they were probably going to be together and that's why he wouldn't keep our son like he was suppose to, but it still hurts so much! I have not had contact with WH but just knowing that he spent the night with this skank just infuriates me! I wonder how she would feel if she knew that he was texting and calling me while he was with her. Bet she wouldn't like that to much, whore.

My BIL asked me why I was still holding on to hope that he would come around and want to work on our marriage. I don't really have an answer other than that I have been praying about it and God has not released me from this yet. I really wish he would b/c I don't see how we could ever really recover from this.

What do I do to work on myself and recover from this? I am going to an awesome counselor, I will be going to school 2 days a week, working 2 days a week, and a women's bible study one day, on top of caring for my 16 month old son. I also journal everyday! I just don't know what else to do. I feel like the odd man out b/c all my friends are married so I feel kinda weird hanging out with them. Any advice?

Thanks for listening to all my rants and ramblings. I just don't have anybody who has been through this and understands really.

Have you seen an attorney?

Don't worry about "rants and ramblings", we've all been there before.

SG - There are many of us BW's on here with husbands in active affairs. My WH was dumped, but still has contact, so he is still addicted to his wh0re. My WH did file for divorce so he can chase his OW. He wants to marry her.

I am one who is teetering on standing for my marriage. I am not sure if I am ready to give up, but it is getting closer to that time.

It is hard to be in Plan B because you do miss who they were. Adultery changes them, and they get trapped by the sin. Their brain chemicals get out of whack, and they are really just infatuated.

Your WH is headed for a rough road. You are still coming off two months after EXPOSURE. Dr. Harley states most affairs die naturally within 6 months after EXPOSURE.

As long as everyone knows they committed adultery, they won't last. They are trying to make it work, but their adultery is likely coming apart at the seams.

It is doomed ... this is why plan B is good for you. You are preserving the love for him. They were able to get entrenched for many many years, but your EXPOSURE kicked adultery's butt.

She is a skank and will continue to be one moving forward. Now that her husband filed for divorce, and your WH has to still support you, their money is going to run low.

They were able to steal for the past two years family money to use to keep their adultery going strong. Today, they will see the reality of divorce and how it zaps the money dry.

If you want to stand for your marriage, then you will not be alone. There are many of us on here who are in Plan B and standing.

Keep posting and in the meantime become the best darn person on the planet. Be who you want to be. Accomplish your goals, dreams, and desires. This is your time now!!!

Northwood- Yes I have spoken to an attorney and have gotten all paperwork out of the house and have put chains on doors for when I am home. I cannot change the locks as we are still married. Other than that there is nothing I can do right now.


PrayIncessantly- Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. Our Pastor just started a series on marriage today, it's called State of the Union. haha oh how God has a sense of humor sometimes. I will and have continued to pray for me, him and our son.
So true about the money not being there for them to spend. Although he has taken most of our saving, which was a lot. Been saving for YEARS! Slimball. But I believe that one day he will see her for the black widow she is and wake up. Hopefully, before I'm long gone and its to late.

Hi survivergirl,

An IM will make sure that you only communicate about your son. They act as a spam filter to avoid anything else being brought up. If my WH gives my IM a personal message (breaking the rules of my Plan B letter) she will just email him back saying there is no pertinent info to pass on. If he sends an angry rant with a line tagged on about finances, I will only see the fianances bit.

You need an IM to follow Dr H's advice that you only communicate about the pertinent info.

It is impossible to relax and to move on until you know it is impossible for him to contact you. Until that point, you are waiting for him to.

I'm also concerned he still has access to your house. When a BS goes truly dark and shuts out the WS, it usually sends them into a frenzy of needing access to the BS. There have been WS who repalced all the furniture, by breaking in for example. You need him out of your life as much as possible. Get legal advice about changing the locks. I did it even tho it was illegal. There arent any locksmith police that I know of

Other tips: Snap an elasic band on your wrist when you feel yourself thinking about him. Get rid of all pictures, gifts he gave you etc. Make every day an opportunity to do something nice for yourself. Make plans for the future - things you have always wanted to do.

Hugs.

Check out my thread from p45 or so. I have been in a dark Plan B for six months. I have never been happier.

Update:
It's been a busy week for me. I went to the doctor on Monday to get tested and I had a gut feeling that told me to go to the OW's work. So I parked in the parking lot and when she left I followed her. She met my WH and I confronted them both. Luckily, they had met at a Walgreens. Not sure where they were planning to go once they met. But she was willing to speak with me and my WH was LIVID!! He was freaking out! Needless to say she found out some things that he had lied to her about concerning us and our relationship(how we got pregnant(IVF) and our intimacy). And I found out that they NEVER once had stopped seeing each other after he told me about the A. Not once. He told me that he loves her and he wants her in his future. That even if she did leave him that he would not come back to me that he did not love me. I was amazingly calm through this, it was a 2 hours conversation in the parking lot. After I left them I had a counseling session thank God! But on my way home she called me and had some more questions for me so I answered them and she pretty much told that maybe I needed to go about it another way of getting him to fall back in love with me. I explained to her that as long as he is still in any form of contact with her that that is not going to happen bc I can not compete with a fantasy. And that's all their relationship is. I met with her again yesterday bc I had some questions that I still needed answered. We only met for 15 minutes at a Starbucks. She answered most of my questions I had. I am so SICK and tired of hearing "I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have." I'm hearing if from both of them. I told them both that there is no way I could be hurt more unless they physically stabbed me with a knife. WH said he has an appointment with an attorney on Feb 3rd to file for a D. OWH first court date is on Feb 1st. I am still in contact with OWH. He knows that I have talked to his WW. He has asked me to meet him at his attorney's office to which I have agreed to. He told me he has a letter from another BW that his WW broke up their marriage.
Since all of this has happened I am barely holding it together. I go through a range of emotions from despair to rage. I have emptied all of his personal belongs from the house. They are in the garage waiting for him to come pick them up.
He still sounds confused as to what he wants and he keeps making excuses as to why we could never get back together. IE: I deserve better (which I do), I would never forgive him or trust him again (I could if given the chance but it would take a LONG time).
I told him he has never given our marriage a fair chance bc he never once stopped contact with her. I just asked both of them for 3 months with no contact whatsoever to give our marriage a chance. If at the end of that 3 months we would re--evaluate. She is willing to do that, he is not. He doesn't see the point or understand the why of it. I explained it to her and she understands. She said that she has told my WH that he needs to go back and work on his marriage that he has a marriage to save. She doesn't, apparently, she said her marriage has been bad for a long time and this was a relief that he knows about this so she can get out. But she told my WH in front of me that she is not getting a D to be with him. She is doing it for herself.

I'm not sure what else I can do. I don't think there is anything I can do. I have fought hard for my marriage, but it takes 2 people to save a marriage. Last Wednesday was 10 yrs for us. So hard to think that in 2 months that will be over and gone. I am feeling lost like there was a death. I will just wait and see what he really does. I told him he needs to speak with an outside person about his decision, not his sister, my sister, OW, or a friend. He needs to seek wise counsel from a counselor. We'll see what happens.