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Originally Posted by Wonderingif
Not a vet here but just wanted to ask, how is harmless flirting and fun to have your friend send a topless pic to you dh? Are you guys swingers? Your definitions of things are very far off from those of mainstream society, IMO.

No, we are definitely not swingers. I've seen some of the pictures that his guy friends send him on his phone. Lots and lots of boobs. Some gross stuff. Whatever. I tell people who have sent that to me to not send it because my kids sometimes get on my phone.

The girl with the topless pic, was not an acquaintance, but was showing it off at the bar. I just suggested she should send it to the bachelor party guys. It was non-threatening to me, because I trust him. :l

mfal #2584147 01/11/12 02:44 PM
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Sorry, but that just sounds crazy to me. No way do I want my hubby, especially one who isn't having sex with me enough, looking at the boobs of random women. That would hurt me even more.

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Originally Posted by OldWarHorse
Last time: your refusal to acknowledge the identity of your affair partner is cruel. It shows a complete disregard for your husband. Whether or not he talks to you about it, it hurts him terribly that you withhold this information from him.

I respect your opinion, and I'm sure you're right, but it is not the OP that I'm concerned with protecting. Like I said, I made a mistake. I would rather make up a fictional person than harm those this would harm. I would never forgive myself for that. My husband may one day forgive me for the sexting. That's minor compared to the other. I screwed up in a big way. Nothing illegal, but potentially damaging nonetheless.

mfal #2584149 01/11/12 02:49 PM
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This is what I hear you saying:

I want everything to stay the same, but be different.

The sexting and the problems having the same starting point is just a coincidence.




Get real.

mfal #2584150 01/11/12 02:51 PM
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Originally Posted by mfal
Originally Posted by NB28
From your description of him I don't get the sense that he likes tackling problems and rather sweep them under the carpet instead.

This is very true, he is generally a conflict avoider, as am I ... but it is also usually really evident when something is bothering him.

We are going to have to talk tonight. Again. :l

He needs to be able to feel safe enough with you to let you know that something is bothering him.

Maybe the fun flirty out of the box relationship that led to you two getting married is no longer what he wants. Maybe he wants a more connected intimate relationship with you where you only play and flirt with each other rather than with others ( because when it's something exclusive between just the two of you it becomes something special and intimate).

I am just guessing here. That's why i really encourage you to be TOTALLY honest with him tonight. Maybe your honesty will help him open up in return and be honest with you back.

I really believe in the principals of this site and the people who try their hardest to help others on here. But I can't see you agreeing with much until you hear it directly from your H. You want to be true to who you have become after overcoming various difficulties and I understand that. However I wish that you can accept that you can grow even more and be even more happy and fulfilled should you want to take the steps to change and create some boundaries to protect yourself from harm.

Start with honesty with your H tonight and you will see how much more respect and help you will get on here.


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

mmmherb #2584151 01/11/12 02:55 PM
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mfal Offline OP
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Originally Posted by mmmherb
This is what I hear you saying:

I want everything to stay the same, but be different.

The sexting and the problems having the same starting point is just a coincidence.

Get real.


But they didn't have the same starting point. The sex drive has been an issue for well more than a year. Closer to three. Depression is a major factor. That kicked in hard with loss of employment. With untreatable medical conditions. Like I said, there's a lot more to this.

NB28 #2584153 01/11/12 02:57 PM
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mfal Offline OP
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Originally Posted by NB28
Maybe the fun flirty out of the box relationship that led to you two getting married is no longer what he wants. Maybe he wants a more connected intimate relationship with you where you only play and flirt with each other rather than with others ( because when it's something exclusive between just the two of you it becomes something special and intimate).

I am just guessing here. That's why i really encourage you to be TOTALLY honest with him tonight. Maybe your honesty will help him open up in return and be honest with you back.

Not much to say, other than let you know I read this and taking it seriously.

NB28 #2584156 01/11/12 03:02 PM
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This is really getting tedious.

When you know what you really want, let us know.

Every once in a while we get a WW on here with a cockamamie story looking for approval for whatever sordid thing she's done.

Simple process here:
1) Stop posting here until you;ve completed all the steps.
2) Tell you husband what you've been up
3) Beg his forgivness while proclaiming the precautions you are putting in place to make it not happen again.
4) Plead to him that he tells you what HE WANTS
5) Request that he allow you make your marriage normal (whatever that is)

All this is laid nicely and more eloquently in SAA and the rest of the books available here.

If hitting on other men and living an alternate lifestyle to what most consider normal marrage is what you want, then do yourself a favor (and us as well) seek another website for whatever it is that troubles you.

You've come to the wrong place.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
mfal #2584161 01/11/12 03:10 PM
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Originally Posted by mfal
His friends hug me, pick me up off the ground.


I would probably punch any "friend" who hugged my wife and picked her off the ground.

Hands off my wife. Shes mine.


BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
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Originally Posted by Northwood8900
Originally Posted by mfal
Originally Posted by markos
Would you rather be right, or happy?

I want my husband to be happy. I want him to not be on a dozen meds that kill his sex drive. I want him to find a different doctor that doesn't prescribe a new pill every single time he goes in, and actually finds out what's going on with him instead.

I want him to be happy.

Those are all perfectly valid reasons for why he has a low sex drive, but let's not gloss over the elephant in the room here.

So when are you going to tell your husband who you cheated on him with?

mfal-

You sure don't like answering questions about tough subjects do you?

Tell you what, when you decide to "man up" and face the consequences of your actions by honestly answering the tough questions, then you'll be a step closer to turning this mess around.

Until then, well, you'll still be in the same place flailing your arms around trying not to drown.



Me (BH)
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Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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Even as a WW, I'm shaking my head at this one....

Are you kidding ? Are you in college ?

CUT IT OUT. This kind of behavior isn't fitting for anyone, especially a wife and mother. Gadzooks.



me: FWW/BW
Married 20 years, 4 kids
We made it.
mfal #2584177 01/11/12 03:38 PM
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Originally Posted by mfal
I feel like no one cares to read what I am actually saying, just how it makes them feel.
I believe most have read very well what you are sharing. You are soooo much the addict that you cant take the first step to braking your addiction- admitting your problem.
1. I'm not still in an affair.
Again, you are an addict. You won't or can't acknowledge your problem. You continue to see OM and believe this does not keep the flame burning. The non addicted world KNOWS that this is not true. Only an addict could not acknowledge this. Further, the fact that you resist all advice to remove this OM from your life through NC reinforces that you are an addict. Seriously, read a little about addiction and compare what you learn to your posts here.

(I'm sure everyone says that. Don't see how it's possible, since that ended last April, but okay. My foggy opinion is that I'm not still in an affair. He doesn't want me. I don't want him.)

2. I'm not blaming my husband. I'm looking for HELP.
Most addicts are "play the victim card" when confronted with their behavior. Deep down they know their behavior is unacceptable and dangerous. Most all try to "save face" and that is what you are trying to do here. It's not working. You ARE blaming your husband. Look back on all your posts. I didn't count (I can if I have to) but I think well over half blame your husband. Guess what, even if he never gave you SF, it had no bearing on your choice to have an affair, and CONTINUE to have an affair.
3. The sexting was a huge mistake. I can't take it back.
This is the only rationale thing you have listed here. It is true, you can't take it back. What you can do is take the advice of the many good people here to come clean and begin to repair your marriage.

4. It makes no sense for me to become someone else. Then I'm just lying to myself for the rest of my life.
This is the single item that prompted me to post - I don't post often. You are at a decision point. Either you come clean, stop manipulating and controlling your BH by withholding info about your affair, or get a D. You seem to want it all - an affair, keeping the affair partner in your life to ignite the flame whenever you wnat (it will happen), and to keep all the good qualities and lifestyle your BH provides. This is SELFISH, CONTROLLING, and MANIPULATIVE and so, so, ENTITLED. You addiction is again crystal clear here. You are the "victim" and are despondent at how you will have to "lie to yourself" the rest of your life. Please...spare us.
I tried to become what my ex wanted. I was miserable. It was never good enough. When that ended, I made the choice to just be me. My husband fell in love with ME being ME. No husband wants to be a cuckold. Your addiction is still crystal clear. You are so fogged out that you actually believe your BH would be OK with knowing the OM has been walking around knowing he can seduce you any time he wants. In most husbands minds this is a direct challenge to them. There is no way a husband would want to be handicapped by his wife and be put in this situation


We are closer since I disclosed the sexting, but his lack of a sex drive is still an issue. I didn't change. He did. I'm not blaming. I just want him to be himself again.


Me: BH 50
W: 43
DD 12
DD 10
EA Exposed / D Day: 4-30-2010
W strongly disputes / denies EA - thats the problem
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Mfal, until you get honest with your husband and stop blaming others for your shabby behavior, recovery of your marriage is impossible. Your dishonesty and destructive behavior is the biggest problem in your marriage. All the need meetin' in Gods green earth will not compensate for your dishonest and inappropriate boundaries around men.

Your husband has to be told you have had an affair so he can protect himself from you and the OM. The fact that you still speak to this loser boy means the affair is still on. And you will remain in the fog until all contact ends.

No one here is going to support you in dishonesty and inappropriate married behavior. So you had better get used to that. It appears you learned NOTHING in your past on this forum but I am hoping you are not unteachable. So far it does look that way.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


mfal #2584225 01/11/12 04:42 PM
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Mfal,

He did ask who. I did not want to say. Months later, he asked if it was OP, and I denied it. Why? Because it would hurt many, many people for that detail to come out, and I'm unwilling to hurt those people for MY MISTAKE.

Your H already knows and is waiting for you to come clean on your own, and you directly lied to your H, that's not a MISTAKE, but a calculated deception.

This is also OMs mistake, he played a part, and will continue to play a part if he has ANY contact with your H, I really hope your H does not goes fishing or golfing with this OM, or has any regular contact with him.

You are not an IDIOT but a LIAR, by calling yourself an idiot you are attempting to remove blame from OM, in a sense you are still protecting OM.

God Bless
Gamma

Last edited by Gamma; 01/11/12 04:44 PM.
mfal #2584253 01/11/12 05:53 PM
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Originally Posted by mfal
Originally Posted by comedytragedy
She's flirting to get her husbands attention.

And I agree that it sounds as if her husband is clinically depressed.

He's definitely depressed. Again, I've tried getting him to see a doctor AND a psychologist. I have tried and tried.

And everyone cheerfully skipped over the part where I mentioned that he flirts too. My girlfriends flirt with him. His female friends flirt with him. I don't have a problem with it because I know he's attractive and I know he's mine.

If he has a problem with his friends flirting with me, or me flirting with his friends, or with my female friends (in fun) then he has a responsibility of telling me that. Because in ten years, he hasn't.

Why do you feel the need to flirt with other men?

BTW, if your husband comes on here, I will ask him why he feels the need to flirt with other women.


BH-51
FWW-39
6 month EA
4 fantastic kids.
Happily Recovered
mfal #2584264 01/11/12 06:16 PM
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Originally Posted by mfal
Originally Posted by OldWarHorse
Last time: your refusal to acknowledge the identity of your affair partner is cruel. It shows a complete disregard for your husband. Whether or not he talks to you about it, it hurts him terribly that you withhold this information from him.

I respect your opinion, and I'm sure you're right, but it is not the OP that I'm concerned with protecting. Like I said, I made a mistake. I would rather make up a fictional person than harm those this would harm. I would never forgive myself for that. My husband may one day forgive me for the sexting. That's minor compared to the other. I screwed up in a big way. Nothing illegal, but potentially damaging nonetheless.

When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences.

Time to put the big girl panties on and face facts. You don't want you husband to know who the OM is and go NC is:

You wouldn't get to see OM again

You wouldn't be able to flirt with him again

You would actually be exposed to your friends as someone different than you project

You would have to admit to your husband you are a liar.

You keep making it all about you, it ain't!!




BH-51
FWW-39
6 month EA
4 fantastic kids.
Happily Recovered
mfal #2584291 01/11/12 08:00 PM
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Originally Posted by mfal
I don't know HOW you can help, honestly. I can't figure out how to stop having lustful thoughts, memories of tempting things said.

By stopping contact.

This person is not just my friend and a friend of friends, but a friend of family and isn't just going away. It's up to ME to make the memories go away and I don't know how.

You make them go away through exposure of your adultery...


These texts were from almost a year ago now. I know I'm in the wrong for responding, back then, but when I felt very unwanted, was vulnerable, and someone came at me unexpectedly with very attractive offers of attention, I became addicted to the feeling. It was an intoxicating fantasy. But I felt so guilty about the thoughts, I had to end it and tell my husband. Had to. :l

Since then, I have been alone with this person, and nothing happened. I don't worry about anything happening in the future. I am comfortable being alone with him; there is no talk of those old messages. That said, I don't make it a habit to be alone with him... there are usually lots of other mutual friends around.

you're playing with fire. Just being around him is a trigger.

For him I think it was just a "for kicks" thing. We have talked many times about different women he likes. He is charming and outgoing and has lots of female company; I was just a brief blip on his radar. It had more of an effect on ME than I ever imagined it would.

I'm not worried about future involvement, only about refocusing on my husband, who I love very much and who has just become more detached since I came clean with my admission that I'd had these sexual conversations. Thought I was doing the right thing there, being honest, but it sure hasn't helped our sex life. For years I have come at the problem from all angles. His drive is simply ... faint.

probably because you are fantasizing and he recognizes this on some level. Spouses know when their spouse is detached in the bedroom, no matter how much they want sex. Truthfully, you are lucky to have a marriage at all after this. He certainly has grounds for divorce.


cv


Celtic Voyager
Married 22+ years
3 young adult children


"A story of me"
mfal #2584292 01/11/12 08:02 PM
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Originally Posted by mfal
Sorry for the sarcasm, but its a touchy subject. I am attractive, fit and sexy. I never "let myself go" or nag. I am a damn good wife. I meet HIS needs. To heck with mine, eh?
Sorry, a "damn good wife" doesn't cheat. She stays faithful.


Celtic Voyager
Married 22+ years
3 young adult children


"A story of me"
mfal #2584294 01/11/12 08:11 PM
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Originally Posted by mfal
Originally Posted by OldWarHorse
Last time: your refusal to acknowledge the identity of your affair partner is cruel. It shows a complete disregard for your husband. Whether or not he talks to you about it, it hurts him terribly that you withhold this information from him.

I respect your opinion, and I'm sure you're right, but it is not the OP that I'm concerned with protecting. Like I said, I made a mistake. I would rather make up a fictional person than harm those this would harm. I would never forgive myself for that. My husband may one day forgive me for the sexting. That's minor compared to the other. I screwed up in a big way. Nothing illegal, but potentially damaging nonetheless.

this OM knew you were married and he is complicit in this. He was your affair partner. Not a nice guy.

Others need to know about this guy so they can protect their spouses.

CV


Celtic Voyager
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3 young adult children


"A story of me"
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^^^^^^^^^^^THIS!!!^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

ETA: Well, this was meant to be for celtic's previous post, but this will suffice

Last edited by TigerWes; 01/11/12 08:14 PM.

Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


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