Not a vet here but just wanted to ask, how is harmless flirting and fun to have your friend send a topless pic to you dh? Are you guys swingers? Your definitions of things are very far off from those of mainstream society, IMO.

Last time: your refusal to acknowledge the identity of your affair partner is cruel. It shows a complete disregard for your husband. Whether or not he talks to you about it, it hurts him terribly that you withhold this information from him.

This is very true, he is generally a conflict avoider, as am I ... but it is also usually really evident when something is bothering him.

We are going to have to talk tonight. Again. :l

This is what I hear you saying:

I want everything to stay the same, but be different.

The sexting and the problems having the same starting point is just a coincidence.

Get real.

Maybe the fun flirty out of the box relationship that led to you two getting married is no longer what he wants. Maybe he wants a more connected intimate relationship with you where you only play and flirt with each other rather than with others ( because when it's something exclusive between just the two of you it becomes something special and intimate).

I am just guessing here. That's why i really encourage you to be TOTALLY honest with him tonight. Maybe your honesty will help him open up in return and be honest with you back.

His friends hug me, pick me up off the ground.

Those are all perfectly valid reasons for why he has a low sex drive, but let's not gloss over the elephant in the room here.

So when are you going to tell your husband who you cheated on him with?

I feel like no one cares to read what I am actually saying, just how it makes them feel.
I believe most have read very well what you are sharing. You are soooo much the addict that you cant take the first step to braking your addiction- admitting your problem.
1. I'm not still in an affair.
Again, you are an addict. You won't or can't acknowledge your problem. You continue to see OM and believe this does not keep the flame burning. The non addicted world KNOWS that this is not true. Only an addict could not acknowledge this. Further, the fact that you resist all advice to remove this OM from your life through NC reinforces that you are an addict. Seriously, read a little about addiction and compare what you learn to your posts here.

(I'm sure everyone says that. Don't see how it's possible, since that ended last April, but okay. My foggy opinion is that I'm not still in an affair. He doesn't want me. I don't want him.)

2. I'm not blaming my husband. I'm looking for HELP.
Most addicts are "play the victim card" when confronted with their behavior. Deep down they know their behavior is unacceptable and dangerous. Most all try to "save face" and that is what you are trying to do here. It's not working. You ARE blaming your husband. Look back on all your posts. I didn't count (I can if I have to) but I think well over half blame your husband. Guess what, even if he never gave you SF, it had no bearing on your choice to have an affair, and CONTINUE to have an affair.
3. The sexting was a huge mistake. I can't take it back.
This is the only rationale thing you have listed here. It is true, you can't take it back. What you can do is take the advice of the many good people here to come clean and begin to repair your marriage.

4. It makes no sense for me to become someone else. Then I'm just lying to myself for the rest of my life.
This is the single item that prompted me to post - I don't post often. You are at a decision point. Either you come clean, stop manipulating and controlling your BH by withholding info about your affair, or get a D. You seem to want it all - an affair, keeping the affair partner in your life to ignite the flame whenever you wnat (it will happen), and to keep all the good qualities and lifestyle your BH provides. This is SELFISH, CONTROLLING, and MANIPULATIVE and so, so, ENTITLED. You addiction is again crystal clear here. You are the "victim" and are despondent at how you will have to "lie to yourself" the rest of your life. Please...spare us.
I tried to become what my ex wanted. I was miserable. It was never good enough. When that ended, I made the choice to just be me. My husband fell in love with ME being ME. No husband wants to be a cuckold. Your addiction is still crystal clear. You are so fogged out that you actually believe your BH would be OK with knowing the OM has been walking around knowing he can seduce you any time he wants. In most husbands minds this is a direct challenge to them. There is no way a husband would want to be handicapped by his wife and be put in this situation


We are closer since I disclosed the sexting, but his lack of a sex drive is still an issue. I didn't change. He did. I'm not blaming. I just want him to be himself again.

He's definitely depressed. Again, I've tried getting him to see a doctor AND a psychologist. I have tried and tried.

And everyone cheerfully skipped over the part where I mentioned that he flirts too. My girlfriends flirt with him. His female friends flirt with him. I don't have a problem with it because I know he's attractive and I know he's mine.

If he has a problem with his friends flirting with me, or me flirting with his friends, or with my female friends (in fun) then he has a responsibility of telling me that. Because in ten years, he hasn't.

I respect your opinion, and I'm sure you're right, but it is not the OP that I'm concerned with protecting. Like I said, I made a mistake. I would rather make up a fictional person than harm those this would harm. I would never forgive myself for that. My husband may one day forgive me for the sexting. That's minor compared to the other. I screwed up in a big way. Nothing illegal, but potentially damaging nonetheless.

I don't know HOW you can help, honestly. I can't figure out how to stop having lustful thoughts, memories of tempting things said.

By stopping contact.

This person is not just my friend and a friend of friends, but a friend of family and isn't just going away. It's up to ME to make the memories go away and I don't know how.

You make them go away through exposure of your adultery...


These texts were from almost a year ago now. I know I'm in the wrong for responding, back then, but when I felt very unwanted, was vulnerable, and someone came at me unexpectedly with very attractive offers of attention, I became addicted to the feeling. It was an intoxicating fantasy. But I felt so guilty about the thoughts, I had to end it and tell my husband. Had to. :l

Since then, I have been alone with this person, and nothing happened. I don't worry about anything happening in the future. I am comfortable being alone with him; there is no talk of those old messages. That said, I don't make it a habit to be alone with him... there are usually lots of other mutual friends around.

you're playing with fire. Just being around him is a trigger.

For him I think it was just a "for kicks" thing. We have talked many times about different women he likes. He is charming and outgoing and has lots of female company; I was just a brief blip on his radar. It had more of an effect on ME than I ever imagined it would.

I'm not worried about future involvement, only about refocusing on my husband, who I love very much and who has just become more detached since I came clean with my admission that I'd had these sexual conversations. Thought I was doing the right thing there, being honest, but it sure hasn't helped our sex life. For years I have come at the problem from all angles. His drive is simply ... faint.

probably because you are fantasizing and he recognizes this on some level. Spouses know when their spouse is detached in the bedroom, no matter how much they want sex. Truthfully, you are lucky to have a marriage at all after this. He certainly has grounds for divorce.


cv

Sorry for the sarcasm, but its a touchy subject. I am attractive, fit and sexy. I never "let myself go" or nag. I am a damn good wife. I meet HIS needs. To heck with mine, eh?

I respect your opinion, and I'm sure you're right, but it is not the OP that I'm concerned with protecting. Like I said, I made a mistake. I would rather make up a fictional person than harm those this would harm. I would never forgive myself for that. My husband may one day forgive me for the sexting. That's minor compared to the other. I screwed up in a big way. Nothing illegal, but potentially damaging nonetheless.