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#2545127 09/18/11 04:27 PM
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Hello Everyone,

First off I want to say a huge thank you to Dr. Harley, his family and to all of you here on this forum. My husband and I have struggled with our marriage from the beginning and now we are so incredibly happy and feel in love just like we did when we were first dating. We both have marriage builders to thank. Marriage builders not only helped us restore our marriage to the condition it should have always been but it has also helped me a lot in understanding the relationships I have had with all of the people in my life. Not only do I see why I had in the past felt things for others I did not want to, but also why I had trouble restoring relationships with people that I just couldn't seem to restore.

This is my first time posting here but I have been reading this forum for years with my husband "MrNiceGuy". I only learned of his forum activity a few days ago though!!

I know most opening posts include some background history so here is ours. We started dating when I was 15 (he was 16). Our DD was born when I was almost 19. We were married when she was 5 months old, mostly due to our parents wishes. We had already exchanged vows at a young age and felt we were already married in our hearts. My husband and I were forced to grow up pretty fast as I was kicked out of my home at 16 and we had our first place when I was 17. We did the best we could, but naturally the downward spiral of neglect began after the arrival of our DD. All things considered we have stuck it out through thick and thin and are still together now. Our DS was born when I was 25 (this one planned!!) and after throwing into the mix my career we began having serious issues at home. Neglect turned into AO and DJ. Eventually our feelings of love turned to conflict or withdrawl.

Approximately one year ago my husband and I agreed to start MC. We found this to be very expensive and it tended to focus on past issues and how to "fight safely". My husband was a firm believer in the MB concepts and tried to encourage me to read them with him but I was very stubborn and angry. I felt that any information he wanted me to read would only serve to get his needs met and not my own. After MC produced little results I was finally willing to listen to reason. We agreed that we could save much time and money by focusing on only MB principles and instead of visiting the MC we would sit together and read Dr. Harley's books.

Now sitting here today I can only express my gratitude. We don't "fight" anymore, ever! The kids are no longer witnessing us behaving like idiots and we are now healthier and our lives are so much better. The happiness that comes from a great marriage spreads to other areas in life. I am a better parent and employee. In the past we were both tempted by other people and did have some form of EA. Now we have healthy boundaries and understand why we must. I am so so thankful we did not end up crossing the line into a physical affair.

My husband and I find that now in our much stronger state others are now coming to us for advice and we do what we can to provide them with MB tools (books, the website)

It is my hope that someone may see similarities in my story that they can relate to and know that it CAN get better. It takes hard work, time and re prioritizing your life. I will answer any questions you have for me.

If I could please, I do have one question for you parents out there. My DD of 13 is now head over heels into a boy (EEEK!) I am talking hours of conversation, always talking about him and wanting to go out to the movies/date him. My question is this. What age would you allow your DD to go out unchaperoned to a public place with a boy. I do not remember liking boys THIS much at 13.

I appreciate any advice and am so happy to finally be here!


Me - 32
DH - 33 MrNiceGuy
DD13
DS7
Married for 13 years together for 17
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Welcome MrsNiceGuy!! I am so happy you found Marriage Builders and used the program to your success!

To answer your question about dating, I would not allow a girl to go out unchaperoned with a boy until she was 16 or 17. [old enough to drive] And then only if I felt she had good judgement. [I realize that "judgement" is an oxymoron when describing a teenager, but enough restraint to conduct herself like a lady when with boys]

I allowed my sons to meet other kids at sports games or movies or other events until they were old enough to drive, but it had to be in a GROUP. If your DD is that boy crazy NOW, I would be uber cautious about allowing her to be alone with boys.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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p.s. we had a rule in our home that no girls could ever be in the house when we weren't there, and NEVER in their bedrooms.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks so much for the reply Melody!! Those boundaries sounds great to me! We also thought that since our DD finds us "so embarrassing" we could let her go to the movies with her aunt and uncle sitting close enough to keep them.. "safe". LOL

I am still in shock this is happening so soon. Ugh.


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Originally Posted By: MrsNiceGuy
My husband and I have struggled with our marriage from the beginning and now we are so incredibly happy and feel in love just like we did when we were first dating. We both have marriage builders to thank. Marriage builders not only helped us restore our marriage to the condition it should have always been but it has also helped me a lot in understanding the relationships I have had with all of the people in my life. Not only do I see why I had in the past felt things for others I did not want to, but also why I had trouble restoring relationships with people that I just couldn't seem to restore.

hurray And this is what it's all about. hurray

Thank you so much for sharing MNG. I love a success story and it's a great encouragement to those who may be struggling at the moment and wondering if it's worth it.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Quote:
This is my first time posting here but I have been reading this forum for years with my husband "MrNiceGuy". I only learned of his forum activity a few days ago though!!

Welcome Mrs. Nice Guy! I'm so glad to see you here! hurray


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Regarding your 13 year old girl...no, I would not let her go to places unchaperoned at that age. For my girls I don't let them have any one on one dates until they are older. They can go in groups. My daughter would invite a bunch of kids over to watch a movie and that would include her "boyfriend". Or they would go to the movies or bowling with other kids.

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MrsNiceGuy, welcome to the board, and thank you for sharing your marriage success story with us. smile


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted By: wannabophim
For my girls I don't let them have any one on one dates until they are older. They can go in groups.


This is what I did too. No dates until they were old enough to drive. They could only go out with GROUPS that were chaperoned.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I grew up withe the idea of no dating until 16. at 16 group dating only until 18. and to stick to group dating as much as possible after 18.

since I left home at 12/13 and was living on my own at 16/17 I pretty much did what I wanted anyways and it was pretty safe(and you know my peer group at the time since you were part of it, lol), but this is the rule I intend to teach my children.
at 12 I remember my mother going so far as to talk to my boyfriends mother and they broke us up, I always resented that, but I was also a mini adult, running the house by then, so... smirk


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Mrs.NiceGuy,

Ok speaking as a father of a daughter and several sons. Let's just say, My thoughts were that my daughter could date when she graduated college. grin Needless to say the "powers that be" out voted me (1 to 0 guess who was the zero).

But, truly my daughter was not allowed to date until she was 16 and she rarely dated after that. A group of friends (boys and girls) would often do things together including finding each other dates for school functions like the prom.

I will also say that my daughter was very active in school activities (mainly sports) as were many other girls and boys so the chance to socially interact occurred during sports or school activities.

Here is my question to you. In your daughter's school is "dating" the main activity for girls and boys? Is it possible that she could find other avenues for recognition and success besides dating? I am thinking of sports, church, year book, etc.

Short answer to your question dating at 13? NO WAY

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL


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