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Any mention of dogs being your best friend would be a warning sign to me. Mainly that the person didn't relate well to people.


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Originally Posted By: Greengables
and they never mention the words "chores" or "errands."


I love it!


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Interesting, your take on dog-lovers. My dog is my best friend and I relate very well to people, am a good communicator, loving, good at give and take and believe a relationship takes effort. I don't expect a man to view me the same as my dog; however, my late husband seemed to love me unconditionally, as much as any human can, it was very evident to all. The fact is, I don't have a man in my life, but I do have my dog and he means the world to me.


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Originally Posted By: kaycstamper
Interesting, your take on dog-lovers. My dog is my best friend and I relate very well to people


I think what GG and I are trying to say is that a dog, or any other animal for that matter, cannot be your friend. A pet is an animal, a friend is a human. This is not to take anything away from pets, it's just apples and oranges. You can't borrow 20 bucks from your dog, you can't ask him for a ride when your car breaks down, and he cannot tell you about all his problems. A dog can provide comfort and fun, but it is not a bilateral relationship like a true friendship is.

AGG


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And really, Kay, it's unlikely you'd emphasize your relationship with your dog in your Match.com profile. I think that's where the disconnect comes in.


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Originally Posted By: Greengables
And really, Kay, it's unlikely you'd emphasize your relationship with your dog in your Match.com profile. I think that's where the disconnect comes in.
I think that happens pretty frequently with people who are unattached. A dog lover is a dog lover. They'll put that on match.com.


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I have a lot of friends that are dog-lovers who would totally disagree with you on this. No, my dog is not a substitute for a husband, but he's very important to me, and so are my friends' dogs to them. It would be a red flag to me if someone was not a dog lover because they would not be compatible with me. By the same token, I'd want someone who is not a city boy, but a country boy that loves nature and animals. Nothing against city folk, they just aren't a match for me.

I guess you haven't heard the adage "man's best friend"?


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That's the point I was trying to make - to me , someone who was that much into their pet was a sign of incompatibility, with me. Just like I would be a poor match to them. Obviously someone who considers their pet a better friend than their human friends should look for the same qualities in their partner.

I also found that I should avoid any extremism in my partner, I did much better with an "everything in moderation" type than someone who was an avid fill-in-the-blank. But again, that's just me - someone else may prefer to jump out of perfectly good airplanes every weekend, more power to them.

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You know, it also strikes me that AGG and I both have children still at home. I think this makes a huge difference in how you view your pets.


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It's interesting how we are very similar yet can be very different in certain aspects/preferences in life.

To me, if a guy does not show any compassion towards animals and little kids (because to me, they are both similar in a sense that they are powerless, helpless, innocent, and have to rely on us adults to survive), he is not a warm hearted person, but that's me. I do not believe any pets can replace humans, but it is like having another family member, a bit more like a child to me.

My DS had a spring program last night at his school. It was so cute, and made me realize how fast the time flies by. Soon he will be a teenager and will not like to be seen holding hands with me in front of his friends. XBF came to DS's piano recital and games and these music programs. It's the first time DS only had me attending the program, which did make me sad, but when I saw him being so happy and proud, I felt better. He is doing well. As long as DS is okay with it, I do not need to feel sorry for him at all. I was very proud of him.

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Originally Posted By: Greengables
You know, it also strikes me that AGG and I both have children still at home. I think this makes a huge difference in how you view your pets.
I can see where this would be an accurate comment.


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Originally Posted By: milkshake
As long as DS is okay with it, I do not need to feel sorry for him at all. I was very proud of him.



That's awesome about the music program! And I can assure you that your DS will be MUCH better off not growing up around the type of person that your XBF is, someone who is more focused on his hobby than on his family.

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Originally Posted By: AGoodGuy


And I can assure you that your DS will be MUCH better off not growing up around the type of person that your XBF is, someone who is more focused on his hobby than on his family.

AGG


Thanks AGG. I began to calm down a bit and feel that I see things with more clear mind. I feel that something inside me just snapped and I finally came to the realization XBF loves himself so much that he just cannot imagine having a life where he is not the main character.

My friend called me on Friday when I was on my way to go to DS's school. He asked what I was doing so I told him DS is having a spring program and I was driving to his school. He said "MS, you are such a good mom, my GF is always busy too driving around her 4 kids to baseball, soccer, gymnastics, etc." I told him "yup, that's what we do as a parent", and told him if he thinks it's too much to do and he rather goes out on Fridays, then marrying his GF with 4 kids will not be the 'thing' for him. He said he understands that, and said his GF keeps telling him the same thing.

And he started to say something about my XBF, how XBF is like him..., for some reason I got irritated. Maybe because I sensed that my friend is again having the cold feet a bit, knowing how mothers around him - whether his GF, his sister, or I are always busy taking care of our children.

I told him that I do not want to have a life where all I want need to do is to take care of myself. Life is not meaningful for me then. DS gave me the meaning of life to me, and I would never trade it in for anything.

My friend must have felt my irritation in my voice, and he told me he knows how to get XBF back... to get my attention? I dont know, but I just got so annoyed by the whole thing. So I told him you know what, thats okay, because my XBF just wants to take care of his needs and that is how he has lived so far, and he does not want to change. He gave up something good to only satisfy his needs and you know what, I began to think now that I dont want that kind of person anyway. He seemed to get shocked by my intense response, and I just told him that I had to go.

I am sure there still be moments where I miss XBF but seriously, I am upset how selfish he has been. He knows how busy I am, with work, house choir, DS, and also I help out my friends quite a bit. And I do not have any family members in this country to give me a hand. Yet, instead of trying to help me out with the choir, he complained that I did not treat him like a king?? Even though he had nothing else to do, other than work and pursuing his passion for golf? Basically everything he does is for himself.

I really hope I can do a better job next time screening out these guys who only care about their fun times. Aside from the COO friend, I have another prospect which I am reasonably excited about, he is my age (COO friend is 5 years older), tall and handsome (sorry, external stuff, but I cannot help noticing these positives ;), and sounds reasonably intelligent. I do not know whole a lot about him yet, but yes, on a physical level, I am 200 times more attracted to this guy than the COO. However, he could be another XBF. I have to and will be very careful.

DS came down with a 102 fever last night, so we stayed home all day today. After some meds he felt a bit better and asked if he could help me cook, so I let him. I made five different dishes, and he helped with every single one of them.

Everything from scratch, and I explained why I do things in a certain way, what veggies need to go in before other veggies, and the reasons behind. He was listening carefully and told me that once I learned how to cook, if YOU get sick, I will take care of you Mama. It was so touching. Then after all the meals were cooked, after lots of chopping and peeling and marinating and stirring he said wow, being a mom is a lot of work!. I hope when DS grows up to be a dad in the future he can pass on the tradition and can prioritize his family over his personal interests.

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Sounds like you had a good epiphany Milkshake - stay away from selfish narcissistic men smile. I'll repeat what GG said, there are plenty of good fish in the sea, don't settle for the bottom crawlers smile.

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I am going thru same emotions. My Ex hubby was not the one for me, despite me being loving and committed to him and his children. Apparently he stonewalled a lot while we were married and despised me I have just been recently told that fact.

Life can be so strange and changes constantly.


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{{Sable}} You know that you did not do anything intentionally wrong or bad, and most importantly, you tried to make it work but he didn't.

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I am actually amazed at how I am now....okay. I was beautifying our memories while closing eyes on many obvious red flags as you all pointed out. Also my friend being very similar to XBF helped wake me up. Life is good!

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I am not in a position to diagnose, but your XBF does have some narcissistic qualities and Narcissists are to be RAN from! They do not make good partners or parents. My XH was a Narcisssist, I learned the hard way.

I am so proud of you MS, you are learning! I think sometimes we just have to get away from the person to let emotions die down enough to have clarity of mind. And you're getting there. I'm sure your friend was trying to "help you out" based on what you'd led him to believe you wanted, so he may feel your response was a little over the top, but it's a great sign that you no longer want XBF and it's good that the people in your life understand that so they can respond more appropriately to your needs.

Your son sounds like a sweetie! I'm sure it's because you've done a wonderful job with him. smile

And I agree with your remarks about having a dog; although I've had dogs all my life and they've always been considered a member of the family, they mean all the more to you when you've lost your spouse and you're an empty-nester. My dog loves me unconditionally whether I'm having a bad hair day or not, and cuddles with me every night, and makes sure I get enough excercise every day. We play ball and he has a sense of humor and a terrific personality. Of course it isn't the same as having a partner, but it is an important relationship to me nonetheless and I could never consider anyone who doesn't love dogs for me. However, by the same token, I would never post to everyone that NOT liking dogs is a RED FLAG. To me, a "red flag" is alcoholism, drugs, perpetual unemployment, irresponsibility, abusive, controlling. Whether someone is a city person or country person or loves pets and children or doesn't is not a red flag for everyone to avoid, it is a personal preference about your own compatibility. One of my best friends is not a dog or cat person, but she loves horses. This doesn't mean we can't be friends, but by the same token, if I were to consider someone for marriage, I wouldn't want someone who disliked pets because that would mean I would never get to have one again...the way to avoid that is to only date other pet lovers, and that is what I would stick to. If you can't abide fur in your house and don't want to spend the time walking a dog or taking care of them when they're sick or spending time and attention on them, you probably should avoid a partner that loves pets or you'll be constantly irritated. I think all of my fellow pet-loving friends feel the same way.



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Originally Posted By: AGoodGuy
Sounds like you had a good epiphany Milkshake


I think so - now I am at a different mental stage, not only I am not obsessed anymore and thus each day is so much easier to take, but I am also looking forward to my future. I cant explain but I feel that I am finally waking up from a long bad dream and something good is waiting for me. I also feel that I should have done this sooner. Of course not all was bad and I had a lot of great time with him, which I am grateful for, but in the end I wasted my precious 5 years on something that did not have a future. Which, I guess, is a part of learning process in life, and I know you all told me to NOT waste my life, but finally it is sinking in, not as words but as a reality.

Even though DS loved my XBF, and at the beginning he was missing XBF, I can see that he has accepted the fact XBF will no longer be a part of our lives. He did this acceptance much sooner than his mother wink And maybe because he sees/feels that his mom is finally being happy again, I see some changes in him too. In a strange way, the whole experience seems to have solidified our relationship as a mother and a son. We have always been very close, but now DS seems to have stepped up as a bigger boy to help his mother out, instead of just being a recipient of my love and care.

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Originally Posted By: kaycstamper
I am so proud of you MS,

Originally Posted By: kaycstamper
Your son sounds like a sweetie! I'm sure it's because you've done a wonderful job with him. smile



Thanks KC! It took me a while, but I am learning each day. And yes, my son is such a sweetie. He is the meaning of my life. I can't thank God enough to have given him to me. And I tell that to my son every day.

I am a dog person too, so I know what you mean by dogs being your family members. After my last dog died in 2008, though, we have not had any pets till last September. We have a very busy life, so I did not think it would be fair for the dogs. But DS has been missing our dog and wanted to have something to care for. So at his 9th birthday last September, I figured he was old enough to be responsible for a small animal, and I bought him a bunny. Well, I am an animal lover, but must say not all the animals are the same wink He NEVER make any sound, probably still does not know his name, bites us when we are cleaning his cage, chewed up my Tiffany lamps wire, my laptops external memorys wire, and our phone wire! He is still cute, but gees, I wish we had a dog instead wink Well at least my son loves him

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