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LFH, you'd be foolish to believe that your spouse isn't the type to have an affair. Sadly, I was foolish & neglectful, too, and discovered the white-hot pain that a 10 yr affair can wreak. At least you have evidence before your eyes...
I strongly recommend you follow Melody's advice, and investigate. Don't be satisfied with your W's answer- the WS will lie to your face- that's the sad reality, trust gets absolutely trampled in these matters.


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Ok, so I found out that she had an affair with her ex that consisted of 2 sexual encounters. Long story short about that is that we have come to terms and we are dealing with that.

Here's where we are now. She says that even after all that has happened she has come back to her original reason for leaving...that she doesn't know whether she's still in love with me. She says she still loves me and has a great time when we're together but doesn't have those "deep down" feelings right now.

She says she's confused and doesn't know what to do or feel. She has agreed to go to counseling and see if they can help sort everything out. She has come back home from her sister's house.

I just don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I have been making changes to the things she says bothers her in regards to how I express my feelings and emotions to her. I've been doing many of the things that she has always wanted me to do. She reciprocates those things to a certain extent ONCE I INITIATE them. She very seldom initiates much affection (hugs, kisses, playful texts, etc). I have confronted her a couple times about this and she says that she just feels awkward doing that right now because of her mixed emotions toward me.

Now, I would like to dispel the thoughts that she's still involved in the affair please. I believe that it's over physically. She has told me on a couple occasions when we were talking about it that she still has feelings for him because she was with him all through high school and they were married for a year before we got together. She broke off the affair before I found out and had already decided that it wasn't what she was looking for. So I believe the issue that remains is the original reason why she sat down to talk to me and why she left.

I really need some advice on what I'm supposed to do right now. Am I supposed to continue to make and implement the changes to the way I am toward her or am I supposed to leave her alone to let her think? I'm so lost on what I'm supposed to be doing right now.

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Originally Posted By: looking_for_help

I really need some advice on what I'm supposed to do right now. Am I supposed to continue to make and implement the changes to the way I am toward her or am I supposed to leave her alone to let her think? I'm so lost on what I'm supposed to be doing right now.


I am sorry you found an affair, lookingforhelp. frown Just know that this can be saved if you take some very specific steps.

The first you do is expose the affair. Expose the affair to her family, your family, the OM's family and the OM's wife, if any. Is the OM married? I would then go to her and DEMAND that she end all contact for life with him. That includes sending him a no contact letter that is written together and mailed by you. I would also suggest that you contact the OM personally - after you have exposed the affair - and tell him he is to never contact your wife again.

Then it will be your job to present a plan of recovery to your wife. Most marriages do not ever recover from infidelity because they don't follow these steps. Go read this post that describes what should happen next: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566602#Post2566602


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I'll definitely read the post.

But my main concern right now is how I should act around her knowing how she feels toward me. I don't know what I should be doing.

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Originally Posted By: looking_for_help
I'll definitely read the post.

But my main concern right now is how I should act around her knowing how she feels toward me. I don't know what I should be doing.


Did you read my post?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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She doesn't have feelings for you because she is in a FOG. She is still high on her feelings for the OM. So the way to wave off the fog and motivate her to recover the marriage is to EXPOSE THE AFFAIR and present the program as I outlined it.

Feelings follow ACTIONS, so in order to change her feelings, you must attack the FOG and make it possible for your efforts to have an effect. By keeping the affair a secret, you FUEL the fog which makes it more likely she will resume her affair and makes it LESS likely that she will fall in love with you.

How do you know she has ended contact? Has she moved back home and are you spying on her?

How did you find the affair in the first place?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I did read the post.

The reason I don't think the affair has any bearing on her feelings right now is that the affair happened after she told me she felt this way and that she was leaving in the first place. The affair happened a week or so after.

I know she has ended contact because she has moved back home and I have been keeping tabs on her by calling/texting and talking to her about where she is at all times. She has really not had time or the opportunity to see or talk to him. She has continuously told me that that the feelings and emotions that she's trying to work through now are the same ones that she was feeling before the affair. That's what I'm trying to deal with.

I found the affair because I had a bad feeling that she wasn't telling me something. I started checking her cellphone records and found a phone number. I confronted her about 2 weeks or so ago and she admitted that she had seen him twice and that she had already ended it. She said she made a huge mistake and that was not what she wanted and that she didn't find what she was looking for with him.

Since this was exposed she has told me that as terrible as it is she feels better about it being out in the open. But she is still dealing with how she feels toward me in regards to those "deep down feelings". Any advice for how I need to conduct myself in that regard?

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One more side note about the affair.

It was totally by chance that it happened. She had no intentions of contacting him. He contacted her after she went to stay at her sister's house to tell her his grandma had passed away. And we all know where that led from there. The positive note that I've got from this is that she ended it willingly on her own accord before I found out.

After I found out I told her that if she has any desire to work through that part of our troubles, she was to call him or contact him once more to tell him that they are to never talk or cross paths again and if they did she had better tell me right away.

I think this part of our troubles are being dealt with.

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Originally Posted By: looking_for_help
.

The reason I don't think the affair has any bearing on her feelings right now is that the affair happened after she told me she felt this way and that she was leaving in the first place. The affair happened a week or so after.


The affair has everything to do with her feelings. It is WHY she left in the first place. She is comparing her feelings for you to the fantasy feelings she has for him. You don't understand what you are dealing with.

Quote:
I know she has ended contact because she has moved back home and I have been keeping tabs on her by calling/texting and talking to her about where she is at all times. She has really not had time or the opportunity to see or talk to him. She has continuously told me that that the feelings and emotions that she's trying to work through now are the same ones that she was feeling before the affair. That's what I'm trying to deal with.


Calling and talking to her and texting her is NOT keeping tabs on her. Unless you have a better spy system she has plenty of opportunity to speak to him and email him, chat on IM, etc. How are you making sure none of that is happening? What you say here leads me to believe the affair is still active. Are you even spying at all?

Quote:

Since this was exposed she has told me that as terrible as it is she feels better about it being out in the open. But she is still dealing with how she feels toward me in regards to those "deep down feelings". Any advice for how I need to conduct myself in that regard?


To whom was the affair exposed?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: looking_for_help
One more side note about the affair.

It was totally by chance that it happened. She had no intentions of contacting him. He contacted her after she went to stay at her sister's house to tell her his grandma had passed away. And we all know where that led from there. The positive note that I've got from this is that she ended it willingly on her own accord before I found out.


This is a lie. The affair was going on long before she moved out. That is WHY she moved out. And I doubt it is over.

Quote:
After I found out I told her that if she has any desire to work through that part of our troubles, she was to call him or contact him once more to tell him that they are to never talk or cross paths again and if they did she had better tell me right away.
.


You have no idea what you are doing or how to resolve this and are making disasterous strategic mistakes that are going to lead to the demise of your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Please accept that you don't have good instincts for this and allow us to help you. You started off by insisting there was no affair because "she is not that type of person" and now you are attempting to use those same foolish instincts to repair your marriage. Your best thinking has screwed up your marriage, my friend.

And if you want to turn this around, you need to start listening. You are making mistakes that will doom your marriage because you don't know what you are doing.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I really don't know what to say right now. I feel like everyone thinks the affair is the root of all this and I do not think that. I know you all have more experience with these things than I do but I still know my wife in certain aspects better than anyone.

I am listening to all advice but everyone keeps keying in on the stupid affair and the root of everything is being neglected because no one seems to think it's important.

I do apologize for getting frustrated but I feel like I am capable of having some rational though in this. Please don't feel like I'm not listening because I am. I found out about the affair because I had some bad vibes and because you convinced me to do some checking. So I know you know what you're talking about.

On the other hand I feel like everyone is telling me that I am ignorant in all my thinking about this and that I can't know what I'm talking about when it comes to some things I have concerns about.

Please accept my apologies and understand that I'm not upset because of the advice I'm getting. I'm upset because I'm not getting answers to my questions. Everyone keeps telling me what to do about the affair and I feel like the affair is being dealt with. Maybe not by the textbook way that MB suggests at the time, but there are multiple issues here that I'm trying to deal with.

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Originally Posted By: looking_for_help
I really don't know what to say right now. I feel like everyone thinks the affair is the root of all this and I do not think that. I know you all have more experience with these things than I do but I still know my wife in certain aspects better than anyone.


No, you don't. You are the least objective person when it comes to your wife. All one has to do is read this thread to see how blind you are when it comes to your wife. We knew MORE about what your wife was doing than you did and we have never even met her! No one can help you if you won't listen.

Let me know when you get serious. I will be here, but I am not wasting time posting to someone who refuses to listen.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I answered your question here. You just don't like the answer because you don't understand your situation. Your goal is to sweep the affair under the rug, which will prevent you from recovering your marriage.

Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: looking_for_help

I really need some advice on what I'm supposed to do right now. Am I supposed to continue to make and implement the changes to the way I am toward her or am I supposed to leave her alone to let her think? I'm so lost on what I'm supposed to be doing right now.


I am sorry you found an affair, lookingforhelp. frown Just know that this can be saved if you take some very specific steps.

The first you do is expose the affair. Expose the affair to her family, your family, the OM's family and the OM's wife, if any. Is the OM married? I would then go to her and DEMAND that she end all contact for life with him. That includes sending him a no contact letter that is written together and mailed by you. I would also suggest that you contact the OM personally - after you have exposed the affair - and tell him he is to never contact your wife again.

Then it will be your job to present a plan of recovery to your wife. Most marriages do not ever recover from infidelity because they don't follow these steps. Go read this post that describes what should happen next: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566602#Post2566602


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: lookingforhelp
I feel like everyone thinks the affair is the root of all this and I do not think that. I know you all have more experience with these things than I do but I still know my wife in certain aspects better than anyone.


This is how well you know your wife:


"I will have to say that I have asked her and I truely believe that she is not having an affair."

"I will look around a little just to confirm but I still believe she is telling me the truth. She has known from the very beginning how I feel about cheating. I don't want to sound like I'm not taking your opinion seriously but she really isn't the type to do that."

"I do agree that there are several signs that may point that way and I am very confused by the lack of desire to fix the issues, but I still trust her and I trust what she tells me until the minute I find out otherwise."

think


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I respect you and your advice very much or I wouldn't still be here.

I had a feeling from before I actually started posting here that an affair was possible....I just didn't want to admit that to myself because I love my wife so much. Once I posted, you pushed me to the point of convincing me to check on her to find out what I already suspected.

What I am frustrated about is the fact that I am hearing that everyone thinks there is ZERO chance that I know the least about what I'm doing here and that everyone else knows my wife better than I do. Yes, it's true that you may have been convinced earlier than I was about the affair but only because you have had experience dealing with the circumstances surrounding them, not because you know my wife better. That's what I'm frustrated with.

I know I'm gonna defend her more than anyone but I also believe that I have enough of a handle to know about the reality of the situation. I want to fix my marriage more than anything I have ever encountered but I am not and never have been one for playing games to get anything done. If I ask her about something and tell her that if she doesn't tell me the truth and stick to it I'm out of here with our children, she knows I mean it. I have never been one to play around with stuff like that. I guess if she chooses to go against those wishes of mine then she doesn't want to stay anyway.

I don't really know what you're going to say about that and I will respect anything you do say. I see what you're saying when you say I'm not very objective right now but I do not believe that anyone KNOWS my wife better than I do. I will agree that many people may know and understand the circumstances surrounding her actions better than I do.

I guess my bottom line is that if I lay down how things need to be to her and she chooses to not abide by those wishes then we can never work through this anyway.I have and never will claim to know more about how to deal with everything but I honestly do think that I am not completely blind as to how to do some things here.

Please don't give up on me yet. I may not agree with everything that's being said but I am listening. I have no one to talk to about this.

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lfh, please understand that we do know your wife better than you do right now. We have been proven right in that regard. All waywards are the same and this is why they are so easy for us to understand. We have an objective view that you do not possess because you, understandably, have a strong emotional desire to believe her. We don't have such an emotional investment and understand her better than you do.

The problem is that you are focusing on the wrong things because you CHOOSE to believe a liar. Your wife is a liar and her goal is to minimize the effect of the affair, lie about the reasons behind the separation, and blame you for her affair. By accepting her lies, you avoid the real problem, the AFFAIR. You allow her to divert you from the real problem.

But that is ok. It is your marriage to lose, not mine. I have saved my marriage. You can take the advice or leave it. I have a family, career, and a very busy life so I don't have time to try to persuade you to recover your marriage. The best I can do is show you a path that works, and it is up to you to accept or reject it. You are free to disagree and reject the advice of people who have saved their marriages. That is your right!

I wish you the best!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I'm sorry if I offended you.

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LFH...I really only very limited to offer you in the way of advice. The reason why I say this is not because I did not listen (because I did) to what everyone offered me in the way of advice, but because I did not act upon what advice everyone offered me here. The seasoned posters have heard it all and unfortunately with infidelity it is mostly a cookie-cutter type of behavior. As a BS, I acted and continued to think I knew my BS better than anyone in the world...and when he wasn't involved in the affair, of course I did. However, ten years ago, that person was lost and while I had the chance to get him back...I listened but did not act....and unfortunately, it backfired. MB is the best and most accurate advice you will ever receive and the added extra bonus...it's dealt with true compassion!! All teh best to you...


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LFH,
I have not been on here in over a year. I actually forgot my password. I only logged on now to give you a brief look into the mind of a wayward.

I had an EA that turned PA. Prior to the PA; however, I was already on my way out of the marriage BECAUSE OF THE EA. The OM and I had plans to meet at a family function as he was a mutual friend of various family members. I figured after that occasion I would then tell my husband that my feeling toward him have changed and this "relationship" just happened after the fact.

My guess is she was already in contact with the ex...maybe not physically but over the internet or phone. After she seperated from you, she felt available to take it to the next level.

I have no doubt you were neglecting your wife and as part of plan A you will work to remedy that situaion; HOWEVER, you must let go of the mindset that that in any way justifies her affair. You must first deal with the affair which is most likely not over. It may have stopped for now but will most likely reignite if it isn't ended properly.

I really can't give you any advice regarding the plans as I was on the other side so listen to the vets. Of course you must not be neglectful but you must also put into place extraordinary precautions to stop this affair or any other that occurs when times are tough. Just calling her and texting is not enough. I spoke to my DH while I was with the OM.

I am signing back out now.

Good luck and God Bless you

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