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Originally Posted By: starfish75
Question for those that went into Plan B:
Did you ever feel that your marriage was just an illusion of what you wanted it to be?


yes. my H was unrecognisable when going through his A. i didn't feel i knew him /had known him at all. it really is like they are pod people (have you seen invasion of the body snatchers?) the good news is that when the fog lifts, they can return to be an even better version than what you thought you had before.

hang in there, starfish. keep your eyes on the prize. keep busy, and take ADs if you need them. i sure did. some days will absolutely suck, but you'll get better.


fBW 49
xWH 55
DD 22
DDay 6/07
D 8/15
Letting Go
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I do need to take my AD's, which require food. I started to get my appetite back today... First time I've had 3 meals in a very long time!!! My sister made me a protein shake for breakfast, we split a sandwich for lunch and my mom brought over stir-fry for dinner! I even had a piece of chocolate and glass of wine for dessert! lol... smile

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Sounds like Plan B is off to an amazing start!

Busy, varied and full of caring people.

As for the reviewing of your marriage, well I did that for months - that's the start of your grief.

Don't fear this grief. Its like training to run a marathon or climb a high peak. You won't do it all in a day, but when you're done you'll be stronger, more resillient and develop muscles in places you didn't think possible.

Some of your thoughts will be an angry rewrite, making him into someone who had no good qualities and did nothing for you, ever.

Other thoughts will simply, as you say, be the end of certain illusions.

Pace yourself and make Plan B the greatest place in the world to be.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I love me some Yoga. It's one of the few exercises I can doesn't trigger any images in my head. As for quotes, this one from Socrates motivates me to keep working out and taking care of myself: No citizen has a right to be an amateur in the matter of physical trainingwhat a disgrace it is for a man to grow old without ever seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.

I would change the man and his to woman and her and tape that to your bathroom window.


Me: BH
XW: Promises83
DS5
Married 10 years, first for both of us
D-Day: 27 Oct 11 trickle truth-ed until all 8 OMs were discovered
D Final: 16 Aug 2013
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I am madly in love with CrossFit ... it has helped tremendously during this nightmare my WH created.

I usually add one Yoga and Pilates class a week to complement it.

Exercise has made all the difference and I recommend it to all the betrayed

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Exercise is GREAT for relieving stress.

I'm glad to hear that you have IRL support for you. That will mean a great deal. Especially on those nights when there aren't too many of us around to offer support.

Have you read anything by QueeniesAdventure, or Mimis_Here? I know that their threads helped me a lot. I also read A LOT of threads on here.

It is quite common to look back and reassess your marriage. That's a part of Plan B actually, so you are doing the right things.

When I would go to sleep, at the beginning of Plan B, I would congratulate myself on not contacting my WH in any way. When I woke up in the morning, I would pump myself up to not contact my WH that day. In the beginning, that is the most important part of PB, No contact. After you get through the beginning, we'll help lead you to the next part. So, for now, your mission is simple. No contact with your WH, in ANY way, eat, sleep and exercise. That's it for a bit. You CAN do this.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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Had breakfast this morning with my sister! Spending time with her now.

Have a meeting with lawyer this afternoon... Any questions you can think of for me to ask? We are in a 50/50 state and there is no such thing as legal separation here.

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I don't know if this is a legit approach with an attorney; however, I'd be inclined to see if a letter from an attorney reinforcing Plan B might be effective with your WH:

Mr. Wayward Fish,

I have been retained by Mrs. StarFish in the event that there is any further betrayal of your marital covenant, which includes physical, mental, emotional and financial fiduciary covenants. I will be overseeing the protection of her assets and investment of all that she has in your marriage with her.

In the event that you are forthcoming with all disclosures regarding the status of your responsibilities to your marriage, including the successful passing of a polygraph to support these necessary disclosures, any further efforts from me will not be necessary. However, I will not hesitate to file any and all appropriate legal injunctions against you, including divorce, should there be one whiff of any shenanigans to further deceive your wife.

Best Regards,

Wylie T Fox, Attorney At Law


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Though there is no legal separation....each state has ways to protect you.

Ask the lawyer what you can do to protect your finances and to handle such matters if you don't file for a divorce at this juncture.

Then see the different scenarios and which is best in your situation.

....by the way.....lots of lawyers will tell you to file for divorce (which is a valid way to go) but make sure you know the alternative methods available to you.







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At the lawyers office now... Have about 10 minutes before I head in. Any questions that I should ask???

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My favorite question in ask in any situation is "Are they any questions I should be asking but haven't?"


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Me 33
DH 35
Together 14 years, married 12
Two "furry children" (one cat & one dog)

MB has changed me and changed my life. I am becoming a better person for it, and building a better marriage. MB principles can truly help you create the love and the life you want.
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Originally Posted By: KaylaAndy
I don't know if this is a legit approach with an attorney; however, I'd be inclined to see if a letter from an attorney reinforcing Plan B might be effective with your WH:

Mr. Wayward Fish,

I have been retained by Mrs. StarFish in the event that there is any further betrayal of your marital covenant, which includes physical, mental, emotional and financial fiduciary covenants. I will be overseeing the protection of her assets and investment of all that she has in your marriage with her.

In the event that you are forthcoming with all disclosures regarding the status of your responsibilities to your marriage, including the successful passing of a polygraph to support these necessary disclosures, any further efforts from me will not be necessary. However, I will not hesitate to file any and all appropriate legal injunctions against you, including divorce, should there be one whiff of any shenanigans to further deceive your wife.

Best Regards,

Wylie T Fox, Attorney At Law


Kayla, this is great!!

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Options: Divorce or Stay Married.
50/50 state

She said I need to put a timeline for Plan B and how long I'm willing to wait for him to come clean. She also asked me if I did know everything, would I ever be able to trust him again? Right now, I'm thinking NO!

I explained to her Plan B, MB, etc. She is interested in MB and going to check it out. She said that I have myself together and that I'm organized, an amazingly strong woman and sort of like an FBI agent. She couldn't believe my strength with everything I've been through! She understands that I need to regain my strength and get my heart and mind in sync before I make any decisions on divorce or no divorce. I'll be honest, I'm leaning more towards D right now. I believe my WH would rather sell his soul than to come clean. I really don't think he ever will. Even his own mother told me last night that she doesn't believe he is strong enough to do what it's going to take. She told me, "At least you'll always have your mom and sister."

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Attorneys are not shrinks nor marriage councelors.

I don't think it wise to discuss anything other than logistics of protecting assets.

They do, after all, charge by the hour and fraction thereof.

Divorce or stay married.....duh......BUT can you stay married while separated and get spousal financial matters tended to via legal means?







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Originally Posted By: reading
Attorneys are not shrinks nor marriage councelors.

I don't think it wise to discuss anything other than logistics of protecting assets.

They do, after all, charge by the hour and fraction thereof.

Divorce or stay married.....duh......BUT can you stay married while separated and get spousal financial matters tended to via legal means?


No legal separation in my state and I had a free consultation for 1 hour.

Last edited by starfish75; 04/18/12 05:12 PM.
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Yes. I understand that there is no Legal Separation in some states.

The states that don't have one still make it is possible to negotiate all issues of support, children, and property distribution, and have an agreement reached with your spouse that has been drawn up into a formal "Marital Settlement Agreement", or "Interspousal Agreement", or "Property Settlement Agreement" without ever obtaining a divorce.

Even in states where there is no recognized legal sep......people are not supposed to be able to move out of their home and not still meet certain financial duties.

Yay on the free consultation! Perhaps you could get a free consult from a couple other attorneys too?







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I would have to file for divorce for any agreements to be drawn up.

Any agreement would be valid from file date until divorce is finalized.
Unfortunately, no other options in my state. I've already spoke with 3 attorneys and they have all said the same thing.

Last edited by starfish75; 04/18/12 05:48 PM.
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I'm out and about with my dogs. My neighbor just texted me that WH pulled up in front of our house. Waiting to find out when he leaves so I can go back home.

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BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted By: starfish75
I would have to file for divorce for any agreements to be drawn up.

Any agreement would be valid from file date until divorce is finalized.
Unfortunately, no other options in my state. I've already spoke with 3 attorneys and they have all said the same thing.


I just googled "How do I get spousal support in Florida without divorce" and a whole bunch of stuff came up.

This is from www.miamiflfamilylawyers.com/Divorce/Legal-Separation.shtml

Florida divorce law does not have a formal process providing for a legal separation of spouses. In fact, Florida family law does not even utilize the term "legal separation" in Florida divorce cases.

However, Florida spouses who wish to separate but not divorce may request that their Florida family law attorney file a Florida spousal support action on their behalf. Florida spousal support actions are governed by the Florida statutes and may be filed as an independent action. In other words, a Florida Divorce Complaint does not need to be filed to be able to file an action for Florida spousal support. If no divorce complaint is filed, a Florida spousal support action is technically called "Support without Dissolution" or "Separate Maintenance". Another way that a Florida spousal support attorney may start a spousal support action is to include a count for it in a Divorce Complaint (in Florida called a "Petition for Dissolution of Marriage") when it is believed that the Respondent may allege that the marriage is not irretrievably broken. The final judgment in an action for Separate Maintenance will not end the marriage or distribute marital property but may provide for the payment of alimony, a child custody schedule and child support. Florida law permits either the Florida spousal support lawyer representing the spouse in need of support to petition for Support without Dissolution or the Florida spousal support attorney representing the spouse responsible for paying the support to petition for Separate Maintenance (although the later rarely occurs).



I find it amazing the lawyers you met with didnt know these options!

Maybe they arent as lucrative.


Originally Posted By: starfish75
She said I need to put a timeline for Plan B and how long I'm willing to wait for him to come clean. She also asked me if I did know everything, would I ever be able to trust him again? Right now, I'm thinking NO!


I'd be very wary of any lawyer who tries to tap into your emotional state. Mine gave me great options, she explained the different things I could do and what each option would mean for me and what each one would cost. To this day she has never expressed an opinion either way on whether I should divorce or not or asked how I how feel emotionally. She's there to give advice on the law. We are not friends, she has no experience with infidelity or counselling marriages and Ive never asked her opinion on that stuff. I just aked her how to protect myself financially.

Last edited by indiegirl; 04/18/12 06:50 PM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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