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lorraine555 #2627345 05/19/12 09:00 AM
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Originally Posted by lorraine555
What does it mean, please?
Lorraine, the POJA was explained to you six months ago from a poster who was trying to help you with this same issue.

Have you read the articles on this site? Do you understand that they will help you, even if your H is no longer in an active affair? The articles here will help you build a great marriage, but you have to read and practice them.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

lorraine555 #2627346 05/19/12 09:01 AM
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But is there something about your daughter's RELATIONSHIP, and not your husband's BEHAVIOUR, that you find "hurtful"?

How does your daughter feel about this situation? Does she want to bring this woman to the house, knowing that you find it "hurtful"? How is your relationship with her?

May I ask - how long has your daughter been living as a lesbian?

Sorry - still confused by some of this.

lorraine555 #2627347 05/19/12 09:02 AM
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Originally Posted by lorraine555
Markos: There was no question mark and I did not say no because it would have lead to an argument and I can't take any more..

Lorraine, it takes 2 people to argue. It just takes 1 person to be honest. I would explain to him respectfully that you do not agree to have your daughter's friend in your home and ask him to cancel those plans. Don't argue, just explain your feelings.

Then you really, really need to check into getting professional help in recovering your marriage. There is a big problem in your marriage that still exists. Problems like that usually lead to repeat affairs.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


kerala #2627348 05/19/12 09:03 AM
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Obviously, you have a say in who comes to your house. As does your husband.

kerala #2627349 05/19/12 09:03 AM
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Originally Posted by kerala
But is there something about your daughter's RELATIONSHIP, and not your husband's BEHAVIOUR, that you find "hurtful"?

Yes, her daughter is a homosexual and is in a homosexual relationship. THAT is what is wrong. She doesn't want the homosexual partner in her home.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


lorraine555 #2627350 05/19/12 09:04 AM
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You believe in reparative therapy for homosexuality?

Oy.

What is the issue for you, then if it's not sexual orientation?

Also? I am a parent. If one of my children is homosexual- that would not cause me grief- because it would be part of who they are, how they were born, and life.

I look forward to understanding why yor daughter's partner is my allowed in yor home.


Thanks for all the support along the way.
I wish you all well. I'm outta here.
Peace.
kerala #2627352 05/19/12 09:05 AM
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Originally Posted by kerala
But is there something about your daughter's RELATIONSHIP, and not your husband's BEHAVIOUR, that you find "hurtful"?

Here is what she said:
Quote
My FWH wants to invite my daughter's homosexual partner to our home. He wants me to accept her even though he knows that I find it very hurtful

He is trying to force her "accept" it by inviting the partner to her home.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


kerala #2627353 05/19/12 09:08 AM
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Originally Posted by kerala
But is there something about your daughter's RELATIONSHIP, and not your husband's BEHAVIOUR, that you find "hurtful"?

How does your daughter feel about this situation? Does she want to bring this woman to the house, knowing that you find it "hurtful"? How is your relationship with her?

May I ask - how long has your daughter been living as a lesbian?

Sorry - still confused by some of this.
But this is a separate issue. The issue here is that Lorraine and her husband are not arriving at a decision that they both find agreeable. It doesn't matter what the issue is - they need to arrive at a mutually satisfactory agreement. Her husband is overriding her. This should not be happening.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

RidicSit #2627354 05/19/12 09:08 AM
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Melody- what are you saying?

That it's acceptable for her to treat the partner like this ? Because of sexual orientation?

Would we say it was okay if Lorraine wanted to ban all blue eyed friends of her daughter from her house and life?

Would we be telling her to POJA it?


Thanks for all the support along the way.
I wish you all well. I'm outta here.
Peace.
RidicSit #2627355 05/19/12 09:08 AM
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Originally Posted by RidicSit
You believe in reparative therapy for homosexuality?

Oy.

What is the issue for you, then if it's not sexual orientation?

Also? I am a parent. If one of my children is homosexual- that would not cause me grief- because it would be part of who they are, how they were born, and life.

I look forward to understanding why yor daughter's partner is my allowed in yor home.

Hold the phone here. Many people do not approve or condone homosexuality and that is their right and their choice. Just because you do does not mean others have drunk the kool-aid. Yes, Dr Harley does believe in reparative therapy.

This woman is here to get help with this program, not to be badgered because she exercises her RIGHT to disapprove of homosexuality.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2627357 05/19/12 09:10 AM
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You two need to agree that even though he has chosen a relationship with your daughter that includes her partner you do not chose the same for what ever reason you have.

All you wish is not to be forced to do so if you chose not to, arrangements will have to be made separately and not in your home while you are present, all encounters will be negotiated and approved a head of time to avoide any conflict you feel, you could fill your time elsewhere or he could go to their home.
It is workable through poja, accepting each others choices and respecting each
other.
You are both entitled to the relationship you chose with your daughter and you both deserve respect from each other how that will happen .
You will have to understand it will have a different meaning and experience for each of you.
Sit down and speak to your daughter and work out the logistics and respect each other, make sure everyone knows how the other feels, make sure you all know you want the best for each other and you love each other as mother, daughter and father and as a married couple.
Love and respect each other.
Open and honesty is the key factor and actions in a very loving manner.
Good luck



BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
RidicSit #2627358 05/19/12 09:10 AM
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Originally Posted by RidicSit
Melody- what are you saying?

That it's acceptable for her to treat the partner like this ? Because of sexual orientation?

Would we say it was okay if Lorraine wanted to ban all blue eyed friends of her daughter from her house and life?

Would we be telling her to POJA it?

Having blue eyes is not a sin. Homosexuality IS. And she can ban anyone or everyone she chooses from her home.

Thank God we live in a free country, huh? We don't live in a facist dictatorship that is ruled by political correctness.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


RidicSit #2627361 05/19/12 09:13 AM
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Originally Posted by RidicSit
So your husband is making an effort to bind your family together, and include your daughter's partner- and it causes you too much grief to bear?

Can you elaborate on why? It's difficult to see where POJA factors in without knowing the motivation on both sides.

What would your husband tell us about this situation?
But it isn't up to this board to sort out who is right and who is being unreasonable. It isn't for us to adjudicate between the spouses. The reasons for this poster not wanting the partner in her home are not relevant to our advice. We are not here to tell her to accept someone into her home and family if WE feel that that the person should be accepted; it is her marriage and her feelings that count.

Our job is to teach her how to use POJA so that this and every other decision affecting the couple can be negotiated and solved BY THEM, without their coming to this board (or going anywhere else) each time they disagree about something.

POJA says that NO decision should be taken that hurts one of the spouse's feelings or interests. Other's people's feelings (the daughter and her partner) are not a priority here; this wife's feelings should be the priority to her husband.

If they cannot agree to allow the partner into the home, and cannot find another solution to meeting or acknowledging her, they should do nothing. This wife should NEVER concede to an action that she does not agree with.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
RidicSit #2627362 05/19/12 09:13 AM
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Originally Posted by RidicSit
Melody- what are you saying?

That it's acceptable for her to treat the partner like this ? Because of sexual orientation?

Would we say it was okay if Lorraine wanted to ban all blue eyed friends of her daughter from her house and life?

Would we be telling her to POJA it?
Yes. The point here is NOT whether Lorraine wants to banish blue-eyed blondes from her home, or lesbians, or whatever. The point is that she and her husband need to jointly agree. One should not be overriding the wishes of the other. This disregard is damaging to the marriage. As we're seeing.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

SugarCane #2627364 05/19/12 09:14 AM
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Originally Posted by SugarCane
[
But it isn't up to this board to sort out who is right and who is being unreasonable. It isn't for us to adjudicate between the spouses. The reasons for this poster not wanting the partner in her home are not relevant to our advice. We are not here to tell her to accept someone into her home and family if WE feel that that the person should be accepted; it is her marriage and her feelings that count.

Bingo!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


RidicSit #2627365 05/19/12 09:15 AM
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RidicSit - yes. One is not to challenge the reasons that someone is unenthusiastic, just try and brainstorm other options. I wonder, though, where respectful persuasion would come in.

MaritalBliss - that is an exceptionally narrow way to look at it. It is asking the other person (the one who must deal with the lack of enthusiasm) to adopt a level of detachment (this is not about sexual orientation, it is about my spouse's happiness) that seems very difficult to achieve. But, I understand that is what MB would prescribe.

MelodyLane #2627366 05/19/12 09:17 AM
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by SugarCane
[
But it isn't up to this board to sort out who is right and who is being unreasonable. It isn't for us to adjudicate between the spouses. The reasons for this poster not wanting the partner in her home are not relevant to our advice. We are not here to tell her to accept someone into her home and family if WE feel that that the person should be accepted; it is her marriage and her feelings that count.

Bingo!
Yup let's help her to learn POJA.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



kerala #2627367 05/19/12 09:17 AM
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It is true, I mentioned this 6 months ago because the subject comes up every now an then.
Kerala: There is nothing about this woman which I dislike. I have nothing against her as a person at all. But seeing her with my daughter is a trigger and depresses me. I just start crying writing about it because it makes me feel soooo sad. My daughter's homosexuality is a result of that nasty period. She also never asked me if she could bring her partner.
MelodyLane
I have already told my husband that I find it upsetting. My situation now is that I do my best to avoid conflict.

MelodyLane #2627368 05/19/12 09:18 AM
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Dr. Harley believes in reparative therapy?

I did not know that.

Thank you for telling me. This will be my last post here.

I am so disappointed I might cry. Wow.


Thanks for all the support along the way.
I wish you all well. I'm outta here.
Peace.
RidicSit #2627369 05/19/12 09:18 AM
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Please help this poster apply Dr Harley's advice. This is not the place for an argument over sexuality. Any more arguments and this thread will be locked.

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