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Originally Posted By: zouzouni
Did some searching today. Found secret email account that he denies having. Can't hack into it. It is a @live.com account. Also visited his Facebook page and saw several love songs that he posted so only a certain woman's friends could see them. That woman is not the OW but she might be another one or a friend of the OW. I blocked and deleted her from his FB.

CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!

This is why I worry about you staying in this condition. You could come down with PTSD and then who will take care of your children?

I know you can't find OW's BH but I'm sure if you did a facebook exposure messages would get to him.

How was calling that number you thought might be her BH?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: zouzouni
Did some searching today. Found secret email account that he denies having. Can't hack into it. It is a @live.com account. Also visited his Facebook page and saw several love songs that he posted so only a certain woman's friends could see them. That woman is not the OW but she might be another one or a friend of the OW. I blocked and deleted her from his FB.

CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!

You must calm down and think strategically, zz. You knew that this affair (or perhaps another one) was continuing and you appear to have accepted that, and decided to keep at arms length from him.

You should be glad that you found this out because you now know the basis on which you are working. He is in an affair and is not protecting you or his marriage.

Keep planning for the future. Think about ways of getting money. Talk to a consultate official about shelter, and about your rights with the kids. Make sure you attend the gyno appointment.

There is one possibility that we haven't explored, and that is getting your children out legally. You could apply to a court for the right to move the kids to the USA. I know that you would face severe opposition from your H, but you could talk to a lawyer at least to find out how the legal route would work.

There is a lot to do. Work through it systematically, and stay calm!


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I sent a message to the secret account and told him I was going to expose to Facebook, the entire village we live in and to all of his family. I gave him one week to come clean about everything in the email. He came home in a VERY BAD MOOD. But when I asked him if anything was wrong, he said "no, what do you want from me now?"

I can't get my head on straight. Almost lost my job today because I was too busy searching and that was a bit of a wakeup call. I need to start using my free time more wisely to help myself and stop tracking him. I know he is doing something and I know he would not have been in a nasty mood today if he did not see that email.

I know I need a lawyer, I know I need psych help at this point and it always feels like everything is moving too fast to keep up with or so slow that I can't stand it. Oh GOD help me get my head on straight.


BW 43
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Originally Posted By: zouzouni
I sent a message to the secret account and told him I was going to expose to Facebook, the entire village we live in and to all of his family. I gave him one week to come clean about everything in the email. He came home in a VERY BAD MOOD. But when I asked him if anything was wrong, he said "no, what do you want from me now?"

I can't get my head on straight. Almost lost my job today because I was too busy searching and that was a bit of a wakeup call. I need to start using my free time more wisely to help myself and stop tracking him. I know he is doing something and I know he would not have been in a nasty mood today if he did not see that email.

I know I need a lawyer, I know I need psych help at this point and it always feels like everything is moving too fast to keep up with or so slow that I can't stand it. Oh GOD help me get my head on straight.

zz, I don't want to sound cross with you but that really was not a smart move. You need to come here first with every piece of new information you find and we will tell you what to do with it. We would never have told you to tell him that you have found the secret email account at this stage. You might have lost a good means of spying on him now.

Were you able to see what was in the email account? Were you able to read any of the emails?

Remind me please: does he use your home PC? If so, get a keylogger on that, and get hold of his phone also and download spyware on to that.


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No, no you never warn them you're going to expose. You just expose with no warning.

Come here and ask for advice.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I do not have access to the new account. I found it doing a search of his computer. I asked him about it 2 weeks ago but he denied having it. Now I clearly found it in his computer but have tried hacking and was not able to get in. He has a very advanced cleaning program in his comp. he is very tech savvy too. If I put a keylogger in and he found out... it might be the end of me.

After sending an email to that address, he did not mention anything. He is just mad about something he refuses to share.

Tried every possible contact I have on the island where the OW lives and called a few #'s I found in a listing. Can't find OW or her BH. Facebook is not working and i have been on hundreds of websites searching their names..


BW 43
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Originally Posted By: zouzouni
I do not have access to the new account. I found it doing a search of his computer. I asked him about it 2 weeks ago but he denied having it. Now I clearly found it in his computer but have tried hacking and was not able to get in. He has a very advanced cleaning program in his comp. he is very tech savvy too. If I put a keylogger in and he found out... it might be the end of me.

zz, I understand that you are afraid, but you do need to gather some courage and sort out your life. Even in he part of the world where you now live, your H is not allowed to kill you because he finds a keylogger! Do you really think he would do that? Really? Think it through.

You should read more about keyloggers in our forum Operation Investigate. I haven't come across a situation where a reputable keylogger was found. The spouse would have to suspect that one was there, and run some sort of sophisticated search to find it.

That is why you must not let your H become suspicious of the fact that you are spying on him by sending emails to his secret accounts BEFORE you are ready to expose. You must develop inscrutability and calmness, and make it look as if you are not agitated about anything since his last reassurance.

You should be able to find the password to his emails accounts - including secret one - and the means by which he sends her Facebook messages in just a few days, and then you can un-install the keylogger if you are worried. If you can find out how he contacts her on Facebook, you can get into her contacts list and expose.

Please read this thread about keyloggers and whatever you do DO NOT LEAVE YOUR COMPUTER OPEN where he can see what you have been researching. Also, browse incognito and clear your history every time you log off.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2472071&page=all


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zz, below is a post that shows the kind of thing you have to guard against before you install a keylogger. This is about your PC disabling the keylogger, though. This post is not about a techie spouse snooping and finding the keylogger. I haven't come across one of those yet, as I said.

Originally Posted By: Northwood8900


On my Windows Vista computer, Windows Defender detected eblaster 2011 and deleted the program.

To get around this, make sure you disable Windows Defender before installing eblaster. Turn it back on after the installation is complete and make sure you add the exception files that eblaster gives you.

The names of these files change each time you reinstall eblaster so you'll have to enter them in again if eblaster is detected and deleted.

There is a write-up on how to get around Windows Defender. If you go to www.spectorsoft.com, go to the "Support" tab at the top, then eblaster, then "knowledge base". Enter your serial number and then do a search for "Windows Defender". It'll pull up the articles that you need.


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For the first time in more than a month I got disgusted yesterday and unfortunately, I let loose on my husband. I hadn't done that since I found out and it felt very good. H and I talked for more than 5 hours. Aside from many other things, we agree that we are both exhausted and want some peace. We made an agreement to disagree on some things and spend our time talking/arguing about how to repair our relationship instead of dwelling on the past and the affair. We also agreed to be honest and open. I don't know how far that will go but I have been doing that from day one and I hope he will too. He did disclose a lot of information yesterday and did admit to being both physically and emotionally abusive toward me. First time ever. WE talked in length about respect, boundaries and needs. We used one of the tools from this website to see which needs are most important and ironically our lists were almost identical. If I can get him to do the questions next time, even better.

We talked about the secret account and he denies having anything to do with it. Told me I found it in his computer because I put it there in trying to open it. When we looked at it together, we noted the time and date that the account was created in his computer and it was done during the day while he was working. Together we did a search for the account and paid for a service to see who the account belongs to and it turns out that it belongs to a guy in WA state. That discounts that account but I have no way of knowing if there is yet another one somewhere.

I realize the need to be stealthy and diligent in not giving up the search. I don't think I could if I wanted to. But at least now, I feel like I can do it without going crazy.

He offered to turn over his cell phone with everything in it, just as it is. Same with the computer. I accepted them both. He told me he will stay away from the gadgets for as long as it takes to make me see that he is not in contact with her. At work he has a computer but no internet access. He comes straight home from work and stays home all night, with me. This I can live with for a while, it feels good and I am eating breakfast as I write this.

I am not giving up though. I will still try to find the OW's husband and will see about the eblaster. I had decided against it (and other similar programs) when I realized that a simple program called "Spybot Search and Destroy" was said to be able to find and delete it. We both have this program installed in our computers. I might be able to work around that and Defender, will have to look into it. At some point he will have his computer back and I need to be prepared...

For now, I just want to take a few days to get my strength back and be a mom again, be myself again. I have been awake for an hour and already I have finished the housework and have lunch going. This is the first time I am actually doing "my thing" since DDay. It feels SO GOOD.

Will keep you posted on progress with the spyware for phone/computer and ask if I have questions or if something else happens. THANKS GUYS!


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I am feeling very uneasy about his "attempts" right now. They sounds eerily familiar and it is making very nervous for you. Keep a skeptical thought about this. He maybe attempting to "work" on things when all he is doing is trying to get you back under his control so his abuse continue. Google."cycle of abuse" you should see a pattern. I did and that scared the hell out of me. Prayers for you.


"Get busy living, or get busy dying"...... The Shawshank Redemption.
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Be aware that some unfaithful spouses resort to being sneakier....like getting other secret cell phones and hiding them...mine did that. You will still need to be vigilant.


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I don't have time to read your whole thread right now, Zou. But abusers are VERY good at explaining, justifying, being sweet, and trying to convince you that you are the crazy one. You are NOT. Whatever you do, don't let him suck you into that craziness cycle. Know what you know, and don't even give him room to argue.

Been there, done that.

And . . . what Logans_Run said.


Married: 22 years
Me: BW 41
Him: WH 43
Sons: 19, 17, 12
Daughter: 16
DD 8/09
EA started 8/08
PA started 7/09
Brief recovery of a few months in there.
Separated 10/10
Legal Separation 8/11
Plan B 5/17/12
Plan D 5/31/12

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Yes, I am aware of the cycle of abuse. Learned about it long ago when I first needed to know. I realize it is only a matter of time before the ugliness returns but I am different now. I refuse to walk on eggshells anymore. There is no way I am taking anything from a liar, cheater, monster. I am weak when it comes to his affair, but it is still early. Give me some time to muster up some anger and hatred for it. Since the first DDay I got it in my head that he is never going to raise a hand to me again, he is never going to psychologically or emotionally abuse me again and when I recognize that it is starting - even a little, I have been ignoring him and telling him to just stop the abuse and shut up. He is taking it because he feels guilty. I am making it clear to him that the has no rights in this marriage, that I am in control now and he can take it or leave it. I grew bold enough to tell him that either he gives 100% or we are done. I have never given him an ultimatum before and usually at the tiny mention of leaving or divorce, he flies into a rage because he is so insecure. He shut up and took it this time. If there is one thing more overwhelming to him than rage, it is guilt. His mama taught him that one -she is the master manipulator with guilt.

I realized that he has been searching in my computer as my office applications save a list of previously opened files. I saw docs in there that I haven't opened for ages. There is nothing in my life that he can find as I have never been unfaithful. So, I put in some info on abuse and translated it into his language. If he want's reading material, let him find something worth reading.

Over the past 10 years I forgot how great I am. I am awesome! I forgot how many amazing things I have accomplished in my life even when all the odds were against me. And, I am on a mission to get some kind of counseling. Even if he refuses, I will go.

Today is day 2 of being normal and it feels... normal. I am well rested and I even indulged in some ice cream yesterday after dinner. I am not breaking this new cycle of empowerment, I have decided to use my pain and suffering and turn it into anything that makes me strong. I am taking over the house, getting my life back to where I want it to be and if he is an obstacle in any way, then I will do whatever it takes to get him out of my happy picture. Be it a shelter, another apartment... I don't care what I have to do.

I am so sick and tired of being afraid and not knowing what to do. The risk of leaving him is far less than the risk of staying and I told him so. I made it clear that all he has to do is give me the reason and WE are over. I told him I should have left or thrown him out the moment I found out and I had made a hasty decision while I was still in shock. I asked him to leave right after that, but not out of anger, I asked him with compassion to just leave his family alone. I told him that a separation for at least a month would be very good for us. I think he nearly died. He sees that I am not being "pushed over" anymore.

I firmly believe that he has no way of contacting her and the money is accounted for. Every cent. If he so much as spends 10 cents more than he should, I want to see the gum wrapper. If not, we have a deal breaker. I check the car every day and his boss does not allow cell phones at work. His every moment of every day is accounted for. I don't know how long this will last but I have chained the beast for the first time in 10 years.


BW 43
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Question to anyone who is tech savvy. I want to install a keylogger in our computer. The problem is that my husband has spybot search and destroy which he has started running every other day. I can disable the keylogger or the scans but he will notice. Right now, the best I have found is Powered Keylogger as our Avast does not find it. Is there something that SSD doesn't find?


BW 43
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While we wait for those lazy north Americans to wake up, have you had a good read in the Operation Investigate forum? Someone there will have asked this question already. That forum is a wealth of valuable information.


BW
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ZZ,

I would make a serious effort to get advice on how to get you and the kids out of the country. Since your mother is here, I would enlist her (financial) help as well.

What does your mother (parents, sisters, brothers?) think of his putting scissors to your throat?

This is way beyond my paygrade, but that you didn't haul ass out of Greece when the scissors were put to your throat is a bit surprising. I understand the complications with the small town, the in-laws, the local authorities but, well, what is it going to take for you to seriously try to get out of there?

C'mon now, where's that NY stereotype? smile

Right now, your husband's full of sh*t and you know it. He's laying low until you stop complaining about his cheating on you. Putting a keylogger on his computer is, to me, secondary compared to the elephant in the room.

Focus on the larger issue: getting you and the kids out of the country. Find out what your (and his) legal rights are with regards to travelling with the kids out of the country. Find out if y'all can leave without his permission. I'd presume that they'd need a passport to exit.



Last edited by Northwood8900; 05/31/12 07:23 PM.

Me (BH)
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Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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I have researched every possible avenue and there is no getting out legally. I have spoken to the Embassy, a lawyer here and a lawyer in the US. There is no documented proof of his abuse (i would need Emergency Room photos, etc.) All he would need to do is call the local authorities and tell them I kidknapped the kids. INTERPOL would be on me! This would ruin my kids lives forever - being raised by their grandmother while their father is off with his girlfriend and having their mother in jail... NOT AN OPTION.

I can only wait it out. Things are quiet now and I know I can keep them manageable. I need to know if he is still talking to her or not. I need to find hard evidence so I can show it to his family (EVERYONE), to the village and upload it on his facebook. Hard evidence will give me the right to leave. Even if I only go to the nearby city and get an apartment, that will be a big plus. But without the proper exposure (should have done it in the beginning... I know) I am stuck. So the elephant needs to step aside for the moment and someone please help me find a keylogger!


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zz, download desktop shark. it is free for the first three days, but you can switch to the pay version if you don't have what you need by then. put it on the exclusions list, and make sure you delete it from the downloads file and the history.


fBW 49
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DD 22
DDay 6/07
D 8/15
Letting Go
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Tried desktopshark and his spybot found it and deleted it right after I turned it back on. I am disabling windows defender, avast and spybot for the installs but then when I turn them back on and do the spybot scan... it finds everything. can't risk that.


BW 43
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married 14 years
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You have to add those files (desktopshark) into the exceptions list for the avast, windows defender and spybot...though I vaguely recall spybot being one where you had to click on "ignore" when it finds the file to get it to ignore it in the future.

If you don't add the files to the exceptions list then any antivirus worth its salt will find the spyware.


Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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