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Yes it has been exposed though I would not don't consider it as a real full on exposure.


Me: 32 BH
Her: 29 WW
DD 3
D Day: 20/05/2012
Going through recovery... Hope we can do it..
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Originally Posted by Qwer
Of course I'm elated now but I'm still feeling unsure. What should I do? Please advise..

Q. Is this your gut telling you that this was an amazing turn around in a very short time and you are thinking that it was too easy? I would agree with your gut and you need to keep a very close eye on WW to verify NC with OM. WW is an addict.

WW has not done anything yet to EARN your trust. She can start by handwriting a NCL to OM which addresses the hurt and disrespect she has caused you. She gives it to you to approve and mail.



Here are samples: No Contact Letter - Samples



Has WW commited to no contact for LIFE with OM?

Is WW willing to make her life completely transparent? Give you all passwords, delete facebook account, change phone number? Basically close all channels of communication with OM and exchange phones with you at any time you wish?

Let us know WW willingness to do all the above. That is a big indicator of WW sincerity.

Hang in there Q !! smile


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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We have yet to have the chance to discuss the whole matter fully as she told me that while we were on the way to work. I am planning to have a full discussion after work today.

Yes I would want to believe her again but I still have lingering doubts.

And I do feel that it was a bit too quick and easy. I never expected this turn of events.

Last edited by Qwer; 06/03/12 09:20 PM.

Me: 32 BH
Her: 29 WW
DD 3
D Day: 20/05/2012
Going through recovery... Hope we can do it..
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Make sure theres no NC with the OM.My WW was out of the fog until she broke NC.The OM contacted her and now the fog is thicker than before.

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I asked WW what is she going to do with OM. She said she will cut him out from her life. I told her that from now on I want no secrets and she should make herself totally transparent to me and she agreed.

I asked her what made her changed her mind. She said she can not bear to lose DD and the way I've been treating her since D Day. She also said friends were all unhappy at her decision to leave and her mother has been crying since I exposed to her. It seems like the fog has cleared for her and she is behaving like normal, like the wife I had before.

I am a happy man but will still proceed with caution making sure she does not break her promises.


Me: 32 BH
Her: 29 WW
DD 3
D Day: 20/05/2012
Going through recovery... Hope we can do it..
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As Ronald Reagan said, trust but verify.

At this point, her words are not enough to go on. You need means to independently verify that she is indeed living a transparent life.

It's easy to say no secrets, she'll be open.

What are the details? What is her plan to do this? If she's not given you a detailed plan, then it's possible she is merely telling you what she thinks you want to hear. For this to be meaningful, she has to take concrete steps to accomplish this goal.

What are her steps to do this?

Originally Posted by Qwer
I asked WW what is she going to do with OM. She said she will cut him out from her life. I told her that from now on I want no secrets and she should make herself totally transparent to me and she agreed.

I asked her what made her changed her mind. She said she can not bear to lose DD and the way I've been treating her since D Day. She also said friends were all unhappy at her decision to leave and her mother has been crying since I exposed to her. It seems like the fog has cleared for her and she is behaving like normal, like the wife I had before.

I am a happy man but will still proceed with caution making sure she does not break her promises.

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Originally Posted by Qwer
I asked WW what is she going to do with OM. She said she will cut him out from her life. I told her that from now on I want no secrets and she should make herself totally transparent to me and she agreed.

Ok. Those are good words...but they are just words. Here are the "actions" WW must take to back up those words and EARN your trust. They are called EP's (extra ordinary precautions) and they represent boundaries to affair proof your marriage going forward.

1. Commit to NC for LIFE with OM and write NCL. Has WW agreed to write the NC letter that I posted to you earlier?
2. Live integrated lives with no overnights apart.
3. No opposite sex friends
4. Complete transparency including computer, phones, emails, bank accounts, etc
5. Close all channels of communication with OM. Delete e-mail, facebook, etc and get new phone number.
6. Agree to use POJA
7. Inform you of any attempts of contact from OM.

Any other EP's that you feel are necessary. If WW will not agree to this then you will most likely end up with more affairs down the road because of your WW's poor boundaries.


ME: BW
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Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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Originally Posted by Qwer
I asked her what made her changed her mind. She said she can not bear to lose DD and the way I've been treating her since D Day.


Here is how you can build on that and create a stronger marriage:

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts


Originally Posted by Qwer
She also said friends were all unhappy at her decision to leave and her mother has been crying since I exposed to her. It seems like the fog has cleared for her and she is behaving like normal, like the wife I had before.

I am a happy man but will still proceed with caution making sure she does not break her promises.

Affairs are an addiction Q. Don't underestimate the power of the addiction. That is the mistake that I made.



ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

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Originally Posted by Qwer
We have yet to have the chance to discuss the whole matter fully as she told me that while we were on the way to work. I am planning to have a full discussion after work today.

Yes I would want to believe her again but I still have lingering doubts.

And I do feel that it was a bit too quick and easy. I never expected this turn of events.
What EPs (Extraordinary Precautions) are you putting into place to ensure the safety of your marriage?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Have your wife write a no contact letter.

Will she do this? No Contact Letters


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I thank you all for the care, concern and support given to me even though we are strangers. I feel that you guys are genuinely giving me all the support I need.

I expect access to her phone, email and Facebook.. And I told her I will not tolerate any contact with OM and I want to be informed of any contact from OM. She seems genuine but I told her I can't trust her yet she has to show me through her actions over time.

Another problem I have is, while I was fighting the battle to keep her I wasn't thinking much about the A. But now that the battle is almost won, the A keeps replaying in my mind. The thought of her being with OM and what they did keeps creeping into my mind all the time and it's killing me. How do you get over this!!


Me: 32 BH
Her: 29 WW
DD 3
D Day: 20/05/2012
Going through recovery... Hope we can do it..
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Originally Posted by Qwer
I thank you all for the care, concern and support given to me even though we are strangers. I feel that you guys are genuinely giving me all the support I need.

I expect access to her phone, email and Facebook.. And I told her I will not tolerate any contact with OM and I want to be informed of any contact from OM. She seems genuine but I told her I can't trust her yet she has to show me through her actions over time.

Another problem I have is, while I was fighting the battle to keep her I wasn't thinking much about the A. But now that the battle is almost won, the A keeps replaying in my mind. The thought of her being with OM and what they did keeps creeping into my mind all the time and it's killing me. How do you get over this!!


When your WW has firm boundaries and you both fill each others Lovebanks and with time it will get better.

This may help with the memories Managing Memories and Dealing with Triggers


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Q, Has your wife done this?

Will she do this? No Contact Letters


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Qwer
I expect access to her phone, email and Facebook.. And I told her I will not tolerate any contact with OM and I want to be informed of any contact from OM.

Q. You need to shutdown their avenues of communication. WW needs to deactivate her facebook account, email accounts. She needs to deactivate in front of you while showing you her passwords. WW also needs to change her phone number.

If WW cannot live without these things then you can set up joint facebook and email accounts.

Why won't you answer the question about the NC letter? I'm not getting a good feeling here. It will be very easy for contact to continue if you just demand that she be transparent without taking any measures to prevent contact. It's very easy to delete msgs and take things underground.

MB has to be followed exactly. It won't work if you just pick and choose the parts that are convenient.






ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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She has sent him a text to end contact in front of me and yes I will be getting her to change her number. I do agree that while EP are necessary but I also believe that even with all EPs in place, there will still be ways to work around them if one really wants to. I know I can never trust her fully again and I don't know if that is ever achievable.


Me: 32 BH
Her: 29 WW
DD 3
D Day: 20/05/2012
Going through recovery... Hope we can do it..
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Originally Posted by Qwer
She has sent him a text to end contact in front of me and yes I will be getting her to change her number. I do agree that while EP are necessary but I also believe that even with all EPs in place, there will still be ways to work around them if one really wants to. I know I can never trust her fully again and I don't know if that is ever achievable.

That's smart, Q. Install a keylogger on the computers at home. A must. And require lie detector tests as a condition of reconciliation.

You have a right to protect yourself and to avoid the further devastation of a false recovery.

Plan to spend A LOT of time with her, 20 hours a week. Just you and her. Let grandma watch your kid, and spend time with your wife. It will take a lot of time to nurse things back, but take that time. Be a good husband, in spite of the pain and anger.

I pray that you win her back over time and that she will fall in love again.

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Originally Posted by Qwer
She has sent him a text to end contact in front of me and yes I will be getting her to change her number. I do agree that while EP are necessary but I also believe that even with all EPs in place, there will still be ways to work around them if one really wants to. I know I can never trust her fully again and I don't know if that is ever achievable.

You should never trust her again. Trust but verify.
Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
One topic is loss of trust. How can a spouse ever trust an unfaithful partner again? My answer is that the spouse should never have been trusted in the first place. I shouldn't be trusted by my wife, and I shouldn't trust her. The fact is that we are all wired for infidelity, and under certain conditions, we'll all do it. The way to protect your marriage from something that has been common to man (and women) for thousands of years is to recognize the threat, and do something to prevent it from happening. Basing a marriage on the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward preventing an affair. Being each other's favorite leisure-time companions, and not being away from each other overnight are also important safety measures. Meeting each other's most important emotional needs,avoiding Love Busters and building an integrated lifestyle, free of secret second lives, are all ways to affair-proof your marriage. With these measures in place, we end up trusting our spouses because an affair becomes almost impossible to achieve.

From here Coping with Infidelity:Resentment


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Qwer
I do agree that while EP are necessary but I also believe that even with all EPs in place, there will still be ways to work around them if one really wants to. I know I can never trust her fully again and I don't know if that is ever achievable.

Q. You should never blindly trust WW again and WW should not blindly trust you either.

The recovery time from an affair is measured in years...but you will begin to feel safer as you see WW actions to protect your marriage. It is all about her actions...and time.

Does your WW speak English as well as you? Order the book Surviving an Affair and sit down together and read it. Do you think you could do that? MB works when it is implemented by the both of you. Your WW seems to be willing.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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I do agree I'll never trust her blindly again. I used to. I didn't believe she will ever be unfaithful to me. But I have been proven wrong. She does not speak as well but she probably can understand enough.

I think it's a fantastic idea to order and read the book together. I shall do that.

I do hope we can really recover from this. And my WW do seem willing as she informed me that there was contact from OM today and she was transparent in letting me know.


Me: 32 BH
Her: 29 WW
DD 3
D Day: 20/05/2012
Going through recovery... Hope we can do it..
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Originally Posted by Qwer
I think it's a fantastic idea to order and read the book together. I shall do that.

Not only will that help the both of you to recover your marriage and rebuild the love and respect...it will also teach your WW how to redeem herself in the eyes of others.
Originally Posted by Qwer
I do hope we can really recover from this. And my WW do seem willing as she informed me that there was contact from OM today and she was transparent in letting me know.

Get OM out of her mind. She only needs to inform of you of contact. Stop talking about OM he does not deserve space in anyone's head.

Start to create NEW memories...one's that bring joy.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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