So when they are all with you, there should be no problem abandoning the whole lot of them for an evening out. The older ones can look after the younger ones, can't they?

What about lunchtimes? How are you fixed for lunch with your H while the kids are at school?

My earlier point was that Zhamila can't make this time together pleasant on her end (just look at the post about their dinner out where her husband 'kept up all night' responding to her complaints positively) and knowing Steve, he would have never said that to her, that they were not ready for UA, unless he felt it was something for her to work on. The man does not mince words or talk to you about your spouse's fault--he talks to you about what you need to work on. "You need the basics" means YOU. Otherwise he would have said that she was not safe to spend time with him yet, until AM was completed.

He didn't.

Cut the crap.

We are here to call you on YOUR bullcrap in YOUR marriage

Your up and down drama queen act

are you here to be a diva

My earlier point was that Zhamila can't make this time together pleasant on her end (just look at the post about their dinner out where her husband 'kept up all night' responding to her complaints positively)

...and knowing Steve, he would have never said that to her...unless he felt it was something for her to work on.

I regret weighing in on your thread contradicting what you were told by Steve Harley about UA time. I should not have challenged what Steve was telling you and suggested that he was watering down his father's programme.

I said what I said because, during my own coaching, Dr Harley is strict about the 15 hours. However, you are coaching with Steve who knows about your specific situation and has advised you accordingly. It might be a good idea for you to clarify his reasons when you next speak to him, in order to understand what he is trying to get you to do.

My ideas might be of use once Steve tells you that you can increase your time together.

Thanks, Gdar.

Well, someting kind of magical happened last night. Here's the scoop:

H said several times this week, "Fine, let's separate." or "Fine, let's build an exit strategy." Mostly in response to disagreements like what time we should turn on the AC, when we should discuss the budget, etc. Not real helpful.

So I asked him yesterday why he kept saying that, is that what he wants? He said no, that's what I want (hmmm, really?). So I told him that's not what I want, I want a great marriage. Could we agree not to use that threatening phrase anymore, because it hijacks me and I have a harder time solving our problems? He agreed.

So...with that out of the way, we agreed to meet for dinner after my DDs dance recital dress rehearsal.

At dinner, he started doing 'verbal jiu-jitsu' with me. When I complained about something, he said, "I think I'm hearing you say X, is that right?" Yes. "And you'd feel better if I did Y, right?" Wow, yes! "OK, that's what I'll do." I teased him, "What are you doing? Are you my therapist now?" - it was cute and we laughed.

He told me it's a strategy Steve had taught him. His main motivation for using it was so I didn't go "on and on" about something. I said I LOVE it! It makes me feel heard and seen.

He kept doing that all night. It was awesome. Here's the magic:

For the first time in months, I ENJOYED his company and I want MORE of him.

I had forgotten how great that feels! I am happy today.

And yes, I told him, "I really enjoyed your company last night. I had so much fun with you!" I'm gonna go hug him (he likes that).

Is this the "up all night" post?

Zhamila,

Would it be possible for you to tape your phone sessions with Steve?

Or could you make a list of questions you have for him PRIOR to the session and take notes on his answers?

That might help you to remember exactly what you asked and he replied.

I know it was always hard for me to recall the exact wording and sometimes it may make a big difference.

I cannot imagine a date night more unpleasant than one which involves repeated complaints.

Your H was, imho, a very intentional man on that dinner date, focused on your marriage success, while you appear, imho, as someone who thought a date meant a free-for-all on complaints toward a complicit husband.

I do bring a list of questions and take notes on his responses. I also write down his exact phrases.

So you do have his exact phrasing written down about UA? <<clarifying question, per your orders, ma'am.

We had some together chatting with Steve, usually at the beginning of the session and at the end, unless we ran long and Steve didn't have a pressing issue for both of to hear instructions on. Are you speaking to him alone? Like really alone? H and I would swap times on the phone, while the other went out of earshot, most certianly out of sight.