I don't want to hear if my husband is interested in other people because it would hurt.
You don't want to hear because if your husband can have secrets, that somehow gives you the right to have secrets, too.
Am I a hot-house flower? Oh, for sure. I am. But should I be? Can I help it? Can I change my nature? Can I stop being a conflict avoider if that is my natural tendency? Maybe.
Stop naval-gazing. It's not pretty.
Seems like everyone here is telling me to toughen up and open up. Those are hard to do! I have been living in a fantasy, but it's a fantasy that keeps me safe. It's hard to be brave if you're not.
You were "brave" enough to sneak around on your husband, though.
My friend who confessed and has the unhappy husband has bearing on my situation because I don't want that. My husband seems pretty happy now, by comparison with that guy.
He's not. He knows something is wrong, he just doesn't know what.
Goodness, I wish I had never written that I had that affair. I didn't want it. I didn't go looking for it. I tried to stop it even as it was happening, but I didn't try hard enough. I didn't enjoy it. I ended it. It was years ago.
You didn't ... You tried ... so own up to it.
Then why are you here posting?
What if I try to tell my husband, and he holds up his hand and says, "I don't need to know, let's just go on from here."? (And frankly, I have many good indications that this is exactly what he would say.)
Then why are you afraid to tell him?
I feel like I painted a picture and asked for everyone's opinion on it, and everyone chose instead to focus on a dead fly that got stuck in the paint by accident.
You can honestly sit there and not agree that a fly stuck on the painting IS GROSS???
Then @#$%^ affair was a stupid error on my part, but it's over and I have no emotional attachment to it.
Then you should have no problem whatsoever with talking about with the one whom it affects the most: your husband.
Waywards who are really over their affairs are more than willing to TALK about it, with just about anyone.
I have agonized over it, and even done self-imposed penance. Telling my husband would only hurt him and the family.
Correction: it will hurt your pride.
I will think about all that I have heard here and keep investigating.
This only means that you have chosen to do nothing.
It will probably take a while to unravel this mess, but we might attempt it someday, after the kids are launched.
By then it will be too late. The only thing that hurts worse than an affair is being LIED to about the affair. A lot of betrayed spouses who would have otherwise chosen to recover with their wayward spouse, file for divorce when they learned they've been LIED TO FOR YEARS.