It could be your picker and not that you're broken. KWIM?

Have you read Buyers. Renters and Freeloaders? Dr. Harley recommends it for dating couples for a reason.

Thank you NED. This means so much to me, and I'll try to let it sink in deeply.

Thank you so much Anointed! I am a Christian - though I don't always act like one.

This is such good advice: God is watching me and my marriage, and His opinion is the only one that really matters. I can choose to please Him with my words and deeds. I will try again - for Him.

Thanks Brain! I will check it out from the library - it's practically the only Harley book I don't own. Maybe I should buy it this time.

Funny...I seem to remember saying this to you, Anointed!

I don't feel like I've done my part in the last week - I've stepped away, sort of stopped trying and shut down. I need to get back in there and try again.

Sad but true: I called some church friends in desperation, to see if the husband would talk to my H and maybe help him see things differently. He did, but he told my H that 'marriage requires sacrifice, that's what love is,' etc etc. Whoa, not really helping support the POJA there. Plus this guy travels overnight tons for work and they are 'fine' with it. Ugh. Big mistake on my part.

My H told me today that I'd "follow Dr. Harley off a cliff."

But he was also pretty nice this evening. I'm confused.

BrainHurts, just ordered BR&Fs from the website. Can't wait to read it again...it's been years. Thanks for the recommendation.

You're welcome. I hope you like it.

Here's a taste that Pepperband put together until your book arrives.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

THANK YOU!!! Reading now...

So....I just went back and read my thread. I just want to say Thank you to everyone for posting to me. There were days when I was really angry and just wanted to blame someone. Listen to this rant: blah blah blah. I'm so embarrassed I said this junk:


I'm sorry I was such a witch at times.

...AAAAAANNNNNDDD now reading BR&F thread from you BrainHurts! Sorry, got sidetracked.

These hit me particularly hard. Off to read more....

Funny how my H comes home from Anger Management and promptly loses his temper....

I'm starting to feel like a thick-headed dolt.

Zhamila, do you mind if I ask what "loses his temper" means for you and the kids? It means an Angry Outburst, correct? What's your goal here? Are you data collecting, still on the fence? Getting your ducks in a row? Being a buyer by letting him know when his behavior is unacceptable and making plans to eliminate your and your kids' exposure to the LBs?

I'm sorry Zhamila. I'm going through a process of realizing just how much I have contributed to my marital problems. I'm proud of you for being open to learning.

I'm interested in finding out the answer to NEDs questions. Blessings and hugs!!!

Hi NED - I never mind you asking

Yes, it was an AO. I did let him know it was not acceptable and left the room.

I'm trying to figure out my next steps.

Markos' thread about how "MB works better" when the H is on board is hitting me really hard. I mean we've spent tons of money, gotten Steve Harley's help and I've learned to do my part. We are no longer meeting with Steve ($), so I feel like my safety net is gone. However, if my H is going to get on board, he will do it with or without a weekly pep talk from Steve.

So I guess you could say I'm observing while being very careful and cautious. I am watching, planning, and thinking.

That's cool, things get obvious in time, the don't call Plan A the reality bringer for nothing!

I'm still hoping he'll come around. We used to have a poster here whose H made the changes without an ultimatum, and when she was struck with an illness he kept to his changes he made.

Well, I spent some time this week reading about abusive relationships. Ours is pretty classic. The recommendation was to simply set limits on what is unacceptable behavior: all is in line with MB principles, basically saying you won't accept SDs DJs or AOs.

So I started to tell my H that I would no longer accept certain behaviors (mentioned them). He interrupted and demanded that I never criticize him in front of the children. I said that the prerequisite for our parenting plan was that he not abuse the children but speak respectfully to them. If he did not abide by that prerequisite, then I would correct the abuse in front of the children because they need to learn that abuse is not acceptable, too.

So he said, "Fine, then I'll leave. Do you want me to go now, or can I wait a month?" I told him I don't care when. But I iterated that I still want great marriage with him, but one free from abuse. If he chose to leave, I wouldn't stop him, but I would rather have a succesful marriage with him.

So that's it I guess.

You know your H better than anyone, but I remember when my then-H threatened to leave, too, many times, as I "rearranged the furniture" the way you're doing. It would've been cool if I had been detached enough to act as narrator, "So it's more important to you for me to pretend in front of the kids that yelling is okay, than to show them thoughtfulness in our FC time together. Good to know. I'm here at the park with you all this afternoon to show them thoughtfulness." But I wasn't.

Does it help to remember that your H leaving is something that can set your family up for success in the future? And that it's way easier on your kids if he leaves than if you do?

They are not his kids, so her leaving is out of the question.

This is a short marriage with no kids.

NED, I've just realised that my previous reply assumed that you meant Zhamila leaving the kids behind. That's why I said that her leaving is not an option - she wouldn't leave her kids with someone who is not their father. I realise now that you might not have meant leaving the kids behind.

She could leave with her kids, but as you rightly said, it would be easier on them if he left.

Zhamila, is he still talking about leaving, or have things calmed down a bit?