MB, I think you might have missed the compositional thrust of my post.

What would you call knowing that one of two men could be the father of the child, the blood-type does not match the husband, and yet the mother keeps the existence of the second paternity possibility from that husband? I chose to call it "diligently fighting to maintain the lie".

I have been reading Dr H.'s basic concepts and thought i should have found this site earlier. Our r/s has been on the wrong track and bcome rocky few yrs back. I should have work harder with my partner on our problems instead of keeping quiet to avoid any quarrels with him. Almost everyth we can never come to an agreement and we duno how to work on improving the r/s. After committing the sin, i was very guilty and immediately stop contacting OM. I knew i have to work on my r/s probs with my partner. But due to my weak personality and terrible flaws, i sank deeper and deeper into dishonesty esp after the blood tests results were out. I just could not get the truth out of me.

Appreciate everyone's advice to me here and i'm trying very hard now to work on myself and become a better person. This is the biggest lesson i've learnt in my life. I hurt my loved ones so deeply...

Ssarah, a practical suggestion: most people who have made these kinds of mistakes talk loudly about how much they hurt everybody,

but a better way to spend your time is to start learning and listing what specific changes you need to make in your life, and how to bring those about.

For example: live an honest life. Tell the truth ESPECIALLY in marriage or relationships that are proceeding to marriage. Radical honesty.

Glad to hear you are reading Dr. Harley's basic concepts. Stay with us.

I've been trying to salvage my marriage these few weeks.. Though my H is not responding to any of my msgs and he has said that he lost all hopes in me, i really still hope to have a chance to work on the marriage. I have been reading and learning from others in this forum and thinkin of writing down the EPs as compensation for my H. But not too sure if there will b any reaction from him or can anyone advise me if there is any other ways to save a "going-to-divorce" marriage? Im willing to try watever means to have a chance again.

SSarah,


Then you said (about OM):


You have therefore had contact with OM since you've been married. The comment about OM's Fiancee though - did you speak to her yourself, or did OM tell you that she was accepting what had happened. If OM told you, then two things:

1. You can't trust what he is saying - you yourself indicate that her acceptance of the situation is strange - it is!

2. That implies that you've spoken to OM more than once - once to tell him, and once again after he's spoken to his fiancee about it. Are you/have you been in ongoing contact with OM? If so, have you spoken with him about anything other than the child being his?

Also, if OM told you his fiancee was accepting - there is a good chance he hasn't told her at all. You need to make ABSOLUTELY sure that she knows because if she doesn't, she could end up marrying him under false pretences, ie not knowing that he has had a child by you. (Just as your husband married you under false pretences believing in good faith that you were carrying his child). You would be party to that deception by not telling her. That would be compounding the wrong and the damage in the situation.

Next thing - has the OM shown any interest in being part of the life of his child? Both in terms of spending time with it, and financially supporting it?

Your husband is not genetically wired to want to raise - ie care for and pay for until adulthood - someone else's child. Even if he works on overcoming that genetic predisposition, if the child's father is supporting the child in any way, that will very likely be a running emotional sore for the duration of your marriage. And probably even if the father is not involved.
Also if the Child's father is not involved in any way, that will also leave a gap in the child's life - whether or not you tell the child who its father is. That gap may not become apparent until adulthood, but it can be very hard to live with. A loving, caring upbringing does not fully substitute for being raised by its parents ( and by parents I mean the man and woman who provided its genes, nobody else).

I myself was born as a result of a One Night Stand. I was adopted and I only met a blood relative for the first time - my mother - a year ago,( I'm 52) and she died earlier this year. I was just in time. My father was a lot older than her and is either dead or in his late nineties by now. I have had no luck in tracing him or his family yet.

(BTW My adoptive family are fine - loving and caring, flawed like us all, but in many ways different, and I have always been aware of that difference and no matter how loving they are, or how much "family-ness" ( as you put it) there is, that doesnt change and that gap doesn't close.)

Growing up in a home with both of its parents may not be possible in this case. In which case the next best thing is that the child grows up with regular contact with both its parents, as should be the case with a divorced couple - one of you ( you and OM, that is) has custody and the other one has visiting rights or some such arrangement.

Now, if that is the best solution for the child, can you reasonably expect your husband to want to live with that situation for the rest of your lives?

By saying you want reconciliation, that is what you are asking for - or, you are looking to violate the human rights of your child. I truly believe that most men would not tolerate that situation - he has been married to you three months, and you have had no children. You really are asking what to a great many good men would be the impossible.

What is your plan for telling the child about its parentage?

Sortingit, i only contacted the OM after the results were out and bcos of my H's advice that the child has a right to know. The OM's fiancee personally spoke with me hence i knew that she was aware and sounded calm. As the bio father was unwilling to b responsible even for child support, i have decided that my son and i will not have any contact with them now and in the future. I know its sad that my son grew up without a father. Im tryin to b strong and provide him the best as i can.

Ssarah,

the best course of action at this time is to use the legal system to get financial support for your OC. This will help your OC get an education in the future and ensure a better life for OC.

You guilt in all of this is irrelevant when it comes to child support since OM has a legal obligation to provide for his offspring.

God Bless
Gamma

Ssarah,
its good that the fiancee definitely knows. If when you spoke to her that was when she found out, she may of course feel differently after thinking about it, but at least now she knows.


I agree with Gamma - you should investigate what the law is in your country regarding financial support from the child's father and proceed accordingly. How willing the father is should not be a determining factor.

When your son is old enough to understand, and wants to have contact with his father, I would recommend doing your utmost to find a way to ahieve that. If the father really isn't willing to be involved, then so be it, but at the very least he should be made financially accountable - and his fiancee made to understand that if she marries him a proportion of her future husband's income will be going to support his child outside of their marriage - meaning less support for her and any children they might have. Note that if the fiancee works - In some jurisdictions ( eg here in the UK) they will means test a father's partner ( whether or not married) and assess the full household income when determining levels of child support. In other words, the more the fiancee earns, the more child support he pays - meaning that she will be in effect indirectly supporting the child herself.

I'm mentioning all these things because these are the kind of consequences that occur later from decisions that you ( and OM and fiancee) make now. It can very much come back to bite you. Also because I believe strongly that everything should be done for the child to have access to both his parents.

Thanks for your advice. However, I have reasons for not going after OM for child support. Firstly, the OM is a cunning person who threaten me of getting full custody of my son if I want child support. Though my lawyer has advised that likelihood of him getting the custody is not high, being a cunning person and who cant afford to lose he will go all out to make me lose everything (I have lost my husband I dun wish to lose my son too.) He said that his monthly income is lower than me and cant contribute much yet on the other hand he said that he's rich and can get the best lawyer to help already shows what kind of person he is. His fiancee of cos is standing by him. I have considered, for that additional child support he can afford which is not much since his income is lower but his family is rich and he is goin to make life miserable for us, I would rather raise the child up myself by working harder and provide him with all the love and care. I doubt the OM will even care to provide him with paternal love.

Yesterday my H told me he had wanted to break off from our relationship (in short, r/s) a few weeks into the start of it. I was very hurt because all along i have tried to work on our issues but i always cant and felt something lacking. Now i know because i was at it alone. He wanted out long ago but probably hold on as there was no one else and perhaps for his sexual fulfilment. Yet he told me he marry me is love. It was not. It was love out of responsibility for the child (we thought was his).

Many things happened between us. The OM and his gf did not like my husband due to one confrontation earlier last year. They helped me to clarify an incident which my H was angry about. I went out with the couple but lied to my H bcos i know he don't like e OM in the first place even though nothing has happened. My H was someone who don't like me to even talk to any guy but he himself could flirt with the ladies at the bridal boutique when we tried the gowns and my parents witnessed that too. And if i was the one feeling jealous, he would be angry and think im too sensitive. Back to the confrontation, the tone my H questioned the couple and some of the things he said caused them to be unhappy.

After the one night thing with OM, his attitude was abit strange and i asked him was this his plan to take revenge for his unhappiness with my H? He was angry and asked me not to ever mention or talk about this thing again. Now i wondered what story did he tell the fiancee to make her accept. OM was e one who told me his gf was very unhappy over the things my H said during the confrontation. I should not have asked them to help me clarify the matter if knowing my H wanted to leave the r/s long ago. I was silly and have weak boundary to realise this could be a trap.

Sarah, can you re-post this in the English language? I can't even read it. It looks like texting shorthand - I can't read it, and I'm not sure if anyone else over the age of 25 can, either.

I have edited and re-post.

This is the most painful time in my life. I understand everyone is saying my H has the right to divorce given that I was the unfaithful and dishonest one and I should honour his decision. I have been trying to accept that but it is so tough.. i still have strong feelings for him and i have to let him go. He wouldnt even want to see me and there were so many things i still wish I could do with him. I have given him my passwords to emails and facebook and even gave him a list of EPs that i will do to protect him but his heart has turned into stone telling me he has wanted to leave this relationship right from the start and his mum even asked why he did not leave earlier. Then why did he still stay with me for the past 4yrs leaving myself tryin to improve our relationship and bearing resentments?

I dont know how strong i can be to overcome this period and take care of the little one. I wish something could go into his head and tell him to give us another chance.

Only your actions will show him, but if you truly love him you will respect his decision.

Concentrate on becoming the woman you want to be and be the best mother you can for your child.

If you stay here and learn the MB concepts and live your life you will be the person you want to be.

So what can we do to help you continue you on your personal journey to be the woman you know you can be?

Have you read Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders? This is an excellent eye opening book from Dr. Harley.
Here is a good thread on it. Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Read and study and ask questions so we can help you understand the concepts.

If you follow the MB concepts you will be a better person.

I know loving him is to let him go. This is the most painful thing to do. The images of us together kept showing up and bring tears yet there is nothing i could do. I really dread the day coming to sign the papers.. I felt like i was really nothing to him for these years since he said he has wanted to leave right from the start. So much hurt and such a painful lesson to learn in my life.

I have read abit of the buyers, Renters and Freeloaders. Have been reading the other stories in the forum the past few days. Tks everyone for the advice. I will learn to b a better woman but i think i have also lost the trust in guys after going through so many failed relationships.

I know this is just you expressing your feelings.
But, let's look at your wish using logic.
What you are wishing for is that your BH might experience an epiphany. Sudden insight into your current intentions.

I'm sure if you think about it, you will agree that we judge ourselves by our intentions, while we judge others by their actions.

"I never meant to hurt you." is not a cure for the pain.
"I never meant to hurt you." is how we judge our wrong actions. Our intent was not to deliver pain. Being on the other side of the statement is the person who has been woefully wronged and deeply wounded.

Imagine you are laid up in a hospital recovering from massive trauma after being struck by a drunk driver. You were just crossing the street when out of nowhere WHAM! Your life is changed forever. You will live, but you will never be the same. The drunk driver sends a note that reads ...

"I never meant to hurt you."

Does that relieve your pain? Does it heal your anxiety about your future?


You were the drunk driver. Breaking the rules.
There will be no moment when your BH suddenly sees things your way.
Instead, I recommend you make an effort to see things from his perspective.

This is exactly why we must make careful choices. We can harm others we love by our carelessness and callous disregard of our sacred vows.

I wish you the best.
Be good.

This comment really shows how far you have to go .... to become a "better woman".

This is a ridiculous comment.

You have so many failed relationships because you have never taken the time to LEARN how to CREATE a functional/healthy relationship.

Pep-
It is posts like this that make you such a valuable asset to this board.

I always find wisdom in your intelligent insight. Thanks for being you.

So, OM is trying to extort you? I wouldn't let him get away with it. He is responsible for whatever the courts decide he and his fiance need to pay. Put your child's needs ahead of OM's dictates! Stop being led around by your fears! Fear caused you to further deceive your husband and look where that got you! Think of your husband by respecting his wishes. Think of your child by getting his due child support. This is HIS life you are playing with! Stop thinking of just yourself!

I know you are remorseful...but how much of that is just because you got caught and will suffer the consequences, I don't know.

KCS put it better than I could have.

Ssarah, you do not have the right to deprive your child of the support she is due, because of your own "issues"!

This would be an exchange for the ages:

Lawyer: Your Honor, my client feels the mother is unsuitable as custodian because she is poor!

Judge: You're right, Counselor! I plan to fix that by having your client pay her enough to adequately care for her child. Case dismissed!