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Originally Posted by MrNiceGuy
**edit**

She is calling his feelings "insecurity" so that she doesn't have to deal with them. Getting him to deal with his "insecurities" is not going to help. She needs to start taking his feelings into account.

He doesn't want her having a one on one conversation with another man for 45 minutes. That doesn't make him insecure, and it is very disrespectful of her to call him that.

Last edited by Fireproof; 08/07/12 12:13 PM. Reason: removing quote

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What to do with an Angry Husband

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Originally Posted by justustwo
I don't think I did anything wrong by sitting on my back patio enjoying the last of the evening.


Hi Justustwo! Welcome to MB!

This phrase caught my attention because it's a conversation my H and I have had as well. I will tell him how I feel about something (i.e. "I felt insecure when you talked to that girl") and his answer is that he "didn't do anything wrong."

This isn't an issue of "right" v. "wrong." It's an issue of consideration for the feelings of your spouse. In successful marriages, spouses consider the feelings of their spouse and make adjustments. They do not judge one another's sensitivities.

In unsuccessful marriages, spouses continue doing what they want to do, even if it upsets their spouse. Dr. Harley calls this "gaining at the others' expense."

It all depends upon your goal. At MB the goal of "preserving one another's love bank balances in order to maintain romantic love" is #1. If your H feels insecure, this means you are losing love units in his account - putting him at risk of falling out of love with you.

It would be easier if it didn't bother him. But it does bother him.

You are married - which is a partnership of extraordinary care and consideration, beyond any other. Accommodating the sensitivities of your spouse is one way to show extraordinary care.

But there's no "have to" about any of this. You can choose whether you are going to care for him - or not.


"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen

(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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I did go in during the outside conversation. I went in and gave him a kiss and I went back outside. My husband has admitted to having some demons that rear their ugly heads. My husband has admitted that his perceptions are skewed. He has told me so many times how "insecure" he is. I'm not labeling, he's labeling himself. He admits, he sees, that his behavior isn't normal and it's putting alot of weight on our marriage. None it matters...the dynamics of our marriage are not known by you good folks here nor understood because you don't know the history and have not observed our interactions.

Brainhurts, thanks for that link. To everyone else who has responded on this thread. I thank you for insight and your time in posting. I'm going to go seek my own therapist, H told me he won't go and he'll work on his issues himself. I do see him trying so that's a start. Again, thanks for the feedback.
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justustwo, can you write an email to Dr Harley on his radio show and tell him what you told us? He might have some good ideas for your husband. IT is free and he often offers to speak to you personally to get a good understanding of the situation and offer suggestions. He has a radio show and you don't have to go on the show if you don't want to, but he will still help you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Hey MelodyLane, Yes I'm very familiar with Dr. Harley's radio show. And yes, I think I will email him! I love and Cherish my precious husband. Having a great marriage and relationship with my husband is top priority. FWIW MelodyLane, you are an amazing contributor on this website. A Godsend, like so many others here...and you Rock. I found this site in 1999 and I get MB, I make a concerted effort to apply MB principles to my marriage. I have given this website to a many of my friends to better their marriage. The information here is bar none!

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justustwo, I thought I would chime in because I can relate to your husband a bit and mine would probably relate to you (that is, if I felt comfortable with him speaking to you - just thought I'd throw a little joke in there).

Anyway, since you are on board with MB you understand that the big picture of meeting ENs overall and avoiding LBs overall is important. I find that I tend to be more jealous when my ENs and LBs are not being met than I am when they are being met. That being said, I would still feel uncomfortable, no matter what the situation, if my H spent 45 minutes speaking to another women privately while people were over. Everyone has their line and even though his is more rigid than yours, it doesn't make his wrong.

Also, my H has pushed the boundaries with acceptable relationships in the past and has told white lies. Those things have permanently kept my ears perked and made me feel very insecure when I catch even a whiff of a potential lie. My H wouldn't admit that those things were worthy of concern and it is exactly that attitude that makes me continue to be concerned. I don't know if you have ever violated his trust to even a minor degree, but it sounds like he might believe you are capable of risky behaviors.

Also, my H is not really a believer in the POJA and that makes it difficult for me to believe that he won't do things that would hurt my feelings when I am not watching him.

In an ideal world, my H could do the following things if he never wanted me to act insecure again:
1. Stop doing the things I ask him to stop doing
2. Be able to notice cues in the moment or be willing to come up with a cue for me to tell him when he is making me uncomfortable so he will stop.
3. Get on board with POJA and follow it
4. Be totally transparent about what he is doing and when and also with phone and email.

I notice that the more my H considers my feelings, shows me love and respect, and makes me feel like I am his world, the less I worry. The opposite is true, too. Still, there will always be things that will bother me and make me feel insecure regardless of how in love we feel.

Last edited by Penni4Thoughts; 08/09/12 06:29 PM.
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I see 3 problems here:

1. Your husband is abusive to you during his 'insane spells'. Even if he does not touch you physically, he is controlling you if he goes on and on for an entire month about some minor thing.

2. Your husband is looking at porn. YOU should be the one bugging HIM about that instead of the other way around. That he is looking for women who look like you, you may want to take that as a compliment. It is not unusual to be a bit aroused on the thought of someone else hitting on your spouse (or more), but he should cut the porn alltogether, because it is causing problems as you have experienced already.

3. Your husband was sexually abused.

Now his behaviour may or may not be linked to his bad experiences, but bottom line: it has to stop. It is not acceptable that he is accusing you of these idiotic things.
If he teaches other people, he is probably intelligent enough to realize that it is time to get some behavioural therapy (the kind that helps you change your behaviour and deal with the past, without trying to have you wallow in problems of years gone by).

Goals:
- no porn
- normal behaviour towards you (you should condone this no more)
- to be able to live his life with problems from the past interfering as little as possible.

I am not saying you should not POJA here. But if it goes so far that you should put on a burka and not speak with any man ever, lest your husband thinks you hit on him, then it crosses the line of what is healthy. In that case your husband can go live in Afganistan, where they will happily agree with him.

God bless,

Happyheart


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Happyheart,

Your post was very much appreciated. I'm in full agreement. I'm getting my head wrapped around the whole situation. My H and I have talked and he is in agreement that our marriage does NOT have room for porn addiction. Again, I do see him opening up and being more vulnerable and trying...so this is awesome. We POJA without realizing as this comes very natural to both of us on most decisions.

We meet each others needs. We show and tell each other how much we love each other daily through actions, hugs, kisses. We spend all of our time together when we are not working. We love to dance on the back patio, He loves to talk to me while I'm watering the veg garden and flowers. He and I are a great team and work well on home projects. We enjoy spending our down time at home or on the boat or playing pool on our table.

I rarely deny him SF and we have relations 4 to 6 times a week. He has a V E R Y high sex drive and masterbates even though we have a good sex life. We make light of his being like a dog humping on my leg. He and I both enjoyed documenting our lives with pictures. Now here is where I have possibly gone wrong: In knowing that he had a need for "visual" stimulation, I have always played with him and his camera. I have allowed him to take risque pictures of me for HIM. My thinking was I'd rather him look at me than other women.FWIW, I have never had any other man take nude pics of me. I'm that comfortable with my Husband. The issue for me goes back to his being insatiable...he wants more and more and more. I'm happy to play, But I want my boundaries respected when I say NO I'm not in the mood. He is finally "getting" this. It's taken this whole absurd accusation to shed some light into some of his idiosyncrasies.

He and I talk about our dreams for the future, growing old together in retirement. I do know that we will work through this rather large bump in the road. He apologizes for the pain he has caused me every day since this has happened. If we can just get this porn issue out of our marriage, I could say that we have a ROCK SOLID marriage. I am going to email the Harleys. I've not done this to date, but I will soon.

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Well I don't know how to put this differently, but his high sex drive might be somewhat of a habit. Like some women eat chocolate all day, although they can't be hungry half an hour after dinner, but it tastes so good, that you want to eat it anyway.

This may very well be why he masturbates so often: because it feels so good. Not because he cannot do without, because I imagine, that if he is in a meeting, he can control himself. It feels good, it is fun, it is uncomplicated and fast.

From my own experience, I can tell that if you stop masturbating and focus ALL of your sexual energy at your partner, your sex life will get ever so more intense. This means to redirect every sexual or sensual thought to your spouse and not to touch yourself, but only have yourself touched by your spouse.

It is really difficult in the beginning, because you are used to have instant gratification at your own hand. It means you sometimes have to postpone the pleasure, when your partner is not at hand. After a few months, it gets easier and easier, because you get used to only having sex when your spouse is involved. The sex becomes more electrifying, because you have been thinking about it and longing for it throughout the day and every touch sets you on fire.

I would never have thought that it would matter so much, because you always read to masturbate to stimulate your sex life. I would say that the opposite is true.

Well, I hope that counseling with Dr. H will solve your problems.

God bless,

Happyheart


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oops, I think I must stop posting about these subjects, makes me blush... blush

Last edited by happyheart; 08/13/12 01:47 PM.

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here is a link that goes to a talk in peps thread about porn use and the contrast effect.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2567688&page=9

MNG

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