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That's good.
I struggle with rec time too!

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Ran into my ex at the store with her latest guy. What a bag of mixed emotions. Part of it was funny because she lied to me and told me she was going out of town in order for me to take the kids earlier than scheduled. Goes to show that she's still a compulsive liar. The other part was the "guy" wouldn't even look at me and my ex had such a surprised, guilty look on her face.

I'm not sure why I'm rattled a bit, but I guess I am. Maybe because it surprised me. I haven't run into her unscheduled like that since the separation began. I did leave the store with a smile on my face; she's dating down which I found infinitely amusing.

Anyway, just rambling; it was significant enough and knocked me off kilter enough that I felt compelled to post it. Is that normal? Should this not even be a blip on my radar? I think I'll head to the gym for a bit.

Travis


Age - 35
Divorce Final - 3/5/12

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TCC
I remember reading your thread some time ago and the roller coaster ride you went through. It is difficult when you have contact with your ex as those feeling of attachment will linger for some time.

I found it was easier when I moved to a different town where I was not exposed to my ex's latest "friend" choice. You are recently divorced so the wounds are still pretty fresh. It does get better with time as you focus on building your new life and finding other interests. One of the things I learned through this process is to detach. Alanon teaches how to detach with love but for you detaching is important. Unfortunately you will likely be triggered frequently as you will still be involved with her because of your children.

What did I learn? Time is a great healer. Look after becoming the best YOU, that you can be. Love your kids. Build your new life. And DETACH!

Good luck TCC.

BCboy #2657169 08/17/12 05:09 PM
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Yes moving helps.

Detaching will help you heal tremendously.

Also you're normal, because who likes being lied to? There are posters that will come on here and lie and anonymous posters will understandably be upset.




FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: BCboy
TCC...
Good luck TCC.

Good to see you BCBoy! It's been a while -- hope all's well.
Quote:

Ran into my ex at the store with her latest guy. What a bag of mixed emotions. Part of it was funny because she lied to me and told me she was going out of town in order for me to take the kids earlier than scheduled. Goes to show that she's still a compulsive liar. The other part was the "guy" wouldn't even look at me and my ex had such a surprised, guilty look on her face.

I'm not sure why I'm rattled a bit, but I guess I am. Maybe because it surprised me. I haven't run into her unscheduled like that since the separation began. I did leave the store with a smile on my face; she's dating down which I found infinitely amusing.

Anyway, just rambling; it was significant enough and knocked me off kilter enough that I felt compelled to post it. Is that normal? Should this not even be a blip on my radar? I think I'll head to the gym for a bit.

Travis

I believe it is totally normal what you were feeling. There's something very visceral about all this and your primative brain is telling you "alert! alert!"
You can't control that anymore than you controlled how much you sweated it out at the gym.

What matters is the way you deal with it and the way you think it through after your cave-man brain is done warning you to stay away.

It's amazing how they just don't change. I've said this before, but to me the D was so devastating and powerful that I felt compelled to question literally everything I had done in my life up to that point. Things that needed to be changed I felt it necessary to change. Waywards don't think that way. They stick with the dishonest lifestyle. Your ex is a lot like mine...still wallowing in the same bad habits.

I still have those reactions when I see exww with OM#2 (you remember my story). They apparetnly have a standing t.v. date on Wednesday night, so if I run by there with the kids (e.g. if they have to grab something) at that time, I get a little jolt in my gut. Same thing though. The guy's a loser. That makes me sad though at this point. It tells me just how far she's come - none. I wish she would reach a new level of conscious for my kids' sake. But she's stuck.

Now I'm rambling.

take care, travis.

Opt

optimism #2657425 08/18/12 10:10 PM
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BCBoy - Hey, you've been away from this place almost as long as I have. How are things? You and Brain have a great suggestion there; I'm just not sure how to execute that. Detach... Isn't that something that's just supposed to happen? I want to not care. I know that's what I'm supposed to do. I'm just not sure how to go about doing that. Some days I'm good to go and I hardly think about it. Others, I'm angry beyond belief at things that are long done and over. I keep thinking maybe I'm not busy enough (which is no longer true) but being busy doesn't stop my mind from doing what it does. I just don't know what to do other than to just exist and try and dig myself out of the hole she put me in.

Opt - You're a better man than me, having to see POSOM #2 so often. I don't know how you deal with it but I'm sure having NG as a support helps tremendously. You are a very lucky man.

Sigh. I don't want the woman back in any way, shape or form so I just shouldn't care what she does or doesn't do with other men. I also know that the mess she makes now will help me keep custody of the kids when I transfer out of here in three years. This hole she's digging for herself with the debt, the men and the lack of caring for the kids is just going a long way to solidifying the strong position I have for full custody. At the same time, I just wish the woman would quit lying and be a good mother. Not just a fun mother like she's attempting to be but a GOOD mother. I just don't get it.

I just wish none of this bothered me. But it does so I just have to deal with it. I'll be spending a lot of time working out over the next few months I think! lol

Hope everyone has a great weekend. I have the kiddos so it'll be a good one here.

Travis

Last edited by tccoastguard; 08/18/12 10:11 PM.

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Sometimes I become angry and think "why would she..."
But that is unproductive. Because we don't have control over other people. We only have control over our own actions.
What helps me detach is AlAnon. Their book One Day at a Time helps me focus on my own actions and not on others. Then the actions of others do not determine my state of happiness

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Travis, detatchment, from what I've read, doens't just happen. There are a couple good articles out there on the subject. AlAnon has a great approach. I also feel that Boundaries is something to keep handy (the book as well as the concept). That book helped me a lot when I was at the stage you're at.

Incidentally, I think you're doing everything right. I know I got into a relationship sooner than I probably should have, I freely admit that. But what's kept it from going awry really has been NG's patience and willingness to use this program and maintain a great loving relationship in preparation for marriage. I truly am lucky.

Nothing wrong with being single however and letting that take you to new places. You are so young and there will be so many choices for you when you are ready.

Enjoy your kids. I've read some great books (recommended by fellow MBers) on parenting which certainly apply in the divorces situation if you are interested I will share titles.

happy detatching! smile

opt


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
Another EA Story
optimism #2658254 08/21/12 09:02 PM
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Originally Posted By: optimism


happy detatching! smile

opt


Lol, thanks! I would indeed appreciate any books you might recommend on the subject. Thanks again Opt.

Travis


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"Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce" - Neuman.
Not a bad read and there are lots of sections, based on different ages and different subjects. Gives you a lot of info about kids' perspectives on divorce.

There's another good one, but it's not handy. I think I left it at NG's house...stand by for that.

We're also reading a book together which is called "To Raise Healthy Kids, Put your Marriage First". Surprisingly, this book has given incredible insight to me about the needs of kids and how we as a society have gone far afield when it comes to how to bring up children. You wouldn't have to be married or in a relationship to get a lot out of this book. It's written by a minister, I think (the book isn't handy either). NG and I both heard the guy on the radio on separate occasions, and we thought it sounded an awful lot like Dr. Harley/MB philosophy. So we talked about it and ordered it. It's more about the child rearing than the marriage; at least in the first 100 pages or so.

Did you find anything on "detatchment?"

opt

PS: add "Between Parent and Child" -- that's the one I couldn't remember up top. Recommended by an MBer -- great perspective.

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Originally Posted By: tccoastguard
BCBoy - Hey, you've been away from this place almost as long as I have. How are things? You and Brain have a great suggestion there; I'm just not sure how to execute that. Detach... Isn't that something that's just supposed to happen?


It is not EASY to do. However it becomes easier when we become more self aware. We start to recognize what triggers a certain thought pattern. I used thought blocking. I became aware of a pattern I would fall into so at the first sign of it I would tell myself "no more of that- Stop it" and I developed a routine of thinking about something else.

We get attached emotionally to a person and that is what makes us human. There are certain steps that took place for us to get attached. There were certain triggers that caused us to fall in love with that person. So when you see that she is with someone else perhaps you can remind yourself/ or laugh about the issue that she is now someone elses problem. That you deserve better. That you are now lucky. Good luck sucker. What ever but start getting your brain to let go of the positive reminders and work toward the feeling of indifference. The object is to get to the place of nothingness. Then you have detached. It no longer matters.

For me it happened over a period of time. As I worked on myself. I listened to a speaker on time that said if you "NEED" someone to complete you then you are not ready for a relationship. So the objective is to be whole on our own. Where we do not need someone else.

I do not say this is a trivial matter. I was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It took a lot of work. Work that should have been done before I ever got married. However when I got married I was young and naive. Well now I am not so young and hopefully not so naive. There is a lot of information out there on how to get whole or heal or whatever it is a person needs to do. It takes work, focus and discipline to do it. Initially I found it is easier to moan and complain about the situation and hope it will magically get better.

Once I got over the hurt and feeling sorry for myself I realized that if it was to be it was up to me. So I started on a path to be the best me I can be. I accept the fact that it hurt. I accept that I made mistakes. However what happened was an incident in my life, it does not define who I am, but it did point out that I need to make changes in ME. So I am a work in progress.

I hope that helps in some way.

BCboy #2658702 08/23/12 02:27 PM
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Originally Posted By: BCboy
I listened to a speaker one time that said if you "NEED" someone to complete you then you are not ready for a relationship.

Hi BCboy, I've been having a discussion with Indiegirl along similar lines. I'm trying to understand the concept of "need" better, and in particular how to resolve what you wrote above with what Dr. Harley writes in Buyer's, Renters & Freeloaders:

Quote:
We're wired to be in a romantic relationship. And when we are not, we feel that something's missing. That's why we find a romantic relationship so compelling -- we need it.

Dr. Harley says we have a need to be in a relationship, and when we're not, something is missing. The speaker you refer to says we're not ready for a relationship until we don't need one. They both sound correct, but there's a discrepancy between the two that I don't know how to resolve. The only thing I've come up with is that maybe one refers to a basic human need and the other refers to a temporary state of being needy.

It sounds like you've worked hard to reach a point of wholeness, and I'm wondering if you have any clarifying thoughts on the above two quotes.

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I believe Dr. Harley is referring to an issue of desire for companionship. The speaker used the reference of Rene Zellweger and Tom Cruise where he says "You complete me" all the romantics swooned and went awww. What the speaker was referring to is we need to be whole on our own. Not that there is something missing in us, we are capable of standing on our own. There is a desire for companionship for a variety of reasons, however the speaker was saying that you should not have to have someone because something is missing. These relationships are fraught with problems.

However to have someone that compliments you, and you are attracted to, and are appreciative of from a position of wholeness is a foundation for a healthy relationship. So I think the key piece is the concept that we need someone else because we are deficient in ourselves. That is different than attraction and desire.

Does that make sense?

BCboy #2658904 08/24/12 06:47 AM
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Thanks for elaborating, and yes, it does make sense. This is one of those topics that I have a vague understanding of but don't yet know how to put into my own words. When I can confidently explain it to someone else, then I'll know that I really know it. Until then, it helps to hear other viewpoints. Thank you!

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Well put, BCboy. Of course we all have a natural desire for companionship and intimacy.

I'm recently divorced. Been in the desert for about 5 years now, so feeling the need for female companionship too. But I'm not planning to jump into another relationship anytime soon. My plan is to eventually start dating, but to just have fun and take it slow. Having two daughters (10 and 13)is a reason for me not to get too deeply involved. Don't know how I'd have the time for my demanding, time-intensive job, my girls, and a girlfriend.

Just going to enjoy being single for the first time in 28 years.

optimism #2662232 09/06/12 03:00 PM
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It's been a while since my last update so I thought I'd type how things are going out. I've been on a fitness and fat loss kick. I'm trying carb-cycling with great results; I've lost eight pounds of pure fat in 3 weeks which is right on pace for where I want to be. I'm planning a week long vacation to MD with the kids to see some old friends and my goal is to be back to bootcamp weight (168 lbs) by then (second week in Oct). I'm 12 pounds away so it should be doable or I should get really close. I haven't been this light and this strong in a long time. Detachment is still a work in progress. I have moments of weakness and I try to deal with it with varying success by going to the gym. At least I'm getting thinner! lol

I also started "dating" again so to speak. As in a singular date through match.com. It's a different world out there from what I last remembered. I'm rationalizing it by saying I need the experience. This is definitely true. I was a nervous wreck and had no idea what I was doing. I'm pretty sure this will get better as time goes on but we'll see; I'm not a stunningly flamboyant or outgoing person. The date itself was fine although the woman turned out to be a complete nightmare. I'm taking out someone else for coffee this Saturday. Equal parts excited and nervous. I have a nagging suspicion I'm also dating to give myself hope in the relationship arena. I know it has given me a confidence boost because women are interested; this is something that I was irrationally worried about to an almost paralyzing degree.

Detachment is going a bit better; I have some mental exercises that I do to stop the train of thought when it hits me. I would share but it involves a lot of swearing at myself and might be classified as self-mental-psychological-abuse. If there is such a thing. :-) The short and sweet of it is between prayer and telling myself to shut-the-front-door, it's getting a little better. I also told the ex when she started to get more chatty and friendly that I could not be her friend because we are divorced and she is seeing other men. After that, she's left me alone for the most part and that has helped as well.

Opt - I did pick up "Between Parent and Child" and should start reading it this weekend. I'll pick up the other two once I'm done with it. Thanks for the recommendations!

Travis


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Sounds like you're doing very well Travis. Good for you.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Sounds like you're doing very well Travis. Good for you.


Thanks, I'm trying. It's hard work getting my head on straight!


Age - 35
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Originally Posted By: tccoastguard
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Sounds like you're doing very well Travis. Good for you.


Thanks, I'm trying. It's hard work getting my head on straight!

Well keep moving forward. You may stumble, but as long as you keep moving forward you will be ok. Before long you will look back and won't believe how far you've come.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Also getting your head on straight. Are you talking about the detachment?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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