He cannot EARN that worthiness if she is judging his present behavior with resentment tainted glasses. Every little slip up on his part puts him back to her lowest judgement from the past. She needs to give him a chance to succeed or end it.

I would say her attitude matches the female stereotype of never being happy and forever unsatisfied. That is no way to motivate your partner.

They need to believe they can take care of each other and satisfy each other. They both needs to feel safe. They need to both put down their guards in some area (and I'd choose SF) so they can see that they can succeed.

How am I putting him down? How am I making him feel he cannot satisfy me? How am I making him feel unsafe?

He cannot EARN that worthiness if she is judging his present behavior with resentment tainted glasses. Every little slip up on his part puts him back to her lowest judgement from the past. She needs to give him a chance to succeed or end it.

I would say her attitude matches the female stereotype of never being happy and forever unsatisfied. That is no way to motivate your partner.

They need to believe they can take care of each other and satisfy each other. They both needs to feel safe. They need to both put down their guards in some area (and I'd choose SF) so they can see that they can succeed.

I am sorry that you are having a down time, its seem like its just the ride we are on.

I just have a thought/question sorry maybe TMI

when you say quickie- what do you mean? how often do you have these?

what is you H top needs? lets say 3

do you think your need for high need for SF has more to do with you need for affection/admiration than you think?

I am sorry for being a butinsky, some of you threads got me thinking lately� I have some more thoughts, but I wanted to check in with you first

I'm not a salesperson, that would a prostitute. I am just a wife who likes to have sex with her husband. Somehow it is far more complicated than that though.

What are the consequences for him not respecting your thoughts/feelings and not taking action on them? He has to know you won�t settle for this forever. Right?

The way I see it, UW has give him that chance and then some. She has read, prcoessed and changed so many things in her behavior, every idea we have thrown at her and he doesn't even know what UA time is??

The way I see it, UW has give him that chance and then some. She has read, prcoessed and changed so many things in her behavior, every idea we have thrown at her and he doesn't even know what UA time is??

UW, I can tell you are frustraed but there is only so much you can do on your own. What I see a lot of is you trying to change your H's behavior and you just can't, Hon. You have no control over that. All you can control is you, and I think you have been doing a good job of cleaning up your side of the street. Should you go ahead with that D and move on, you will make someone very happy in the future.

~RQ

Those are good questions for him. It might be hard for him to answer directly. I suspect if you take a day to think about it you might be able to answer yourself. Think back to any feedback you give.

In our dance lessons, me telling my husband that his left foot needed to go back on the second step hurt our ability to learn the dance. I was judging his ability to listen to the instructor and saying I knew the right way and he did not.

Any guys out there felt uncertain about your ability to satisfy their wife's SF? Ever felt that you were bound to fail if you tried? Feared rejection? Got advise for unwritten on how to make her H feel that SF is a safe zone? That he can do no wrong unless he is hurting her (physically or emotionally).

I think he needs a serious confidence boost.

Forgive me for assuming that you have not read through my whole thread. If you had you would see a marked change in my attitude and resentment level over time. You would see that I have been willing to put my money where my mouth is. You would see that I have put forth ACTION. That is all I expect in return, action not words. THAT, is what I lack here.

Do I match some female stereotype by being unsatisfied and unhappy with a lack of action? If so, then I guess I'm OK with that. I thought ACTION was the MB way.

Many are saying it is time to walk. That is a definitely a good option.

If she isn't ready to make that choice then they have to resolve the SF issue. They cannot avoid it. Forget everything else. Spend 25 hours a week of UA time naked with each other until the man starts to feel comfortable again with SF. Play cards, watch TV, clean the house, anything you can do at home. Do it naked. It is a time for desperate measures.

I am not suggesting that as the only solution but they need to POJA and figure out how they can get him playing in the SF game. It matters a lot to her. And she can train him with the rest of MB working in this one area as an example. He should have fun to learning.

Exactly! Very fair UW.

I guarantee there a LOT of men on this board who would love to have SF most every night with their W. I do and enjoy it every time.


Brass Tax? He needs to MAN UP. NOW. Not tomorrow, not the next day, not next week. Now.

You are not asking him to grow more hair if he is bald. You are not asking him to get a PhD. You just want to feel loved and have sex.

Geeze. He needs to go to the dr if he has low T, exercise if he needs more strength. Whatever. Just make it happen!!

This is on HIM.

But, this does go back to being O&H about my NEEDS. Because SF is my top EN, there is a frequency and 'way' that I like, and I haven't always been O&H about that for fear of doing just that, making H feel like he wasn't satisfying me. I thought the goal in recovery and in MB was to become more in tune to each other's needs and not less. I mean, I have never said anything to tear him down in the sack and never intend to, but I also don't think the answer is to pump him up and never be O&H about ways that I want my need to be met either.

I welcome advise from the guys on this though too.

I asked you because you said that I was doing those things, and I wanted to know what I wrote that you were referring to, and what made you feel I was doing those things.

I won't ever say it is fully on him.

[
Please tell me that there is not just one 'way' that you like to have SF. Certainly you should share that secret. If your frequency is every day then I think there is room for creativity as long as your favorite way(s) are included in the mix.

Sorry, I think the answer is to pump him up about SF.... and to be O&H about ways that you want your need to be met. The ego is very delicate in the area of SF.

I will look for DJ quotes from your posts. Generally, the reason many are telling you to give up is because you paint your H as a lost cause and I'll bet he knows you are doing that.

Ask yourself honestly... do you think your husband can learn to satisfy your SF needs? do you think your husband can learn to be a caring partner? If the answer is no, then walk away. If the answer is yes, tell him you believe in him and make it happen together. Tell him you believe in him every day.

Please tell me that there is not just one 'way' that you like to have SF. Certainly you should share that secret. If your frequency is every day then I think there is room for creativity as long as your favorite way(s) are included in the mix.

Oh SunnyD you could never sound snippy. Thank you for posting to me on such a busy day for you.

Regarding the job thing. Where that left off (the last time). H came to me and said he wanted to POJA a compromise. He offered many ideas of things that might work, stating that he wanted me to feel fulfilled. What he is not enthusiastic about is me having a full time career. What he IS enthusiastic about is me doing something I am passionate about. We don't need the money, and do need flexibility. We did throw around several ideas, and did not come to a resolution and decided to come back to that topic later. I would say it was more a matter of me finding problems with every idea, hHe did really try to find a solution.

So yes, there was more to that story that you didn't know.

As far as the self respect and not requiring H to be all in. If you recall, in the spring I told him I wanted a D. He begged me not to go, and I decided that indeed, due to my own resentment and need to brow beat him into a puddle, I had not MYSELF invested in R. I read on these threads all the time how Dr H does NOT require a WS to be "all in" when it comes to R, that the BS is usually the one who has to tow the line for awhile until the WS is ready to be all in. I am, in fact, the BS AND the WS, and as such feel that it came down to me, without ever having put all of MY effort in, leaving this M as a resentful and bitter woman. Or putting that resentment aside, for a pre defined amount of time, and going all in. That was the message I sent H in the spring, and that is the message I have carried with me through the summer. I haven't harped on it, constantly reminded him of it, or brow beat him with it (you know I am leaving you in the fall because you are still being lazy and stupid right?)...because my brow beating days are done and over. I am just DOING IT.

I think that screams of self respect, and not the other way around. But maybe I'm mistaken.

I think I have personally come a LONG way in my own recovery, and if this M works because of it then I am better than I thought I was. And if it doesn't? Some other guy down the road is going to benefit from this awesome reconstruction.

And I am not giving 100%. I am giving MORE than he is, but I still have more to give.

Good point about the SF. I do get caught up on that point don't I. I guess when that need is not being met, it is hard to see the big picture. I get crabby and just want that need met, then I can focus more easily on the rest of the forest.

Overall, I guess I don't really believe that a holistic, two become one M is possible with this man. I feel like if I let up AT ALL, he very willingly and happily goes back to old habits, old selfish ways. I think the only thing that will at this point cause a true epiphany, would be D papers in hand. But then, it is too late.