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Hi. I've been married to my DH for just over 17 years and we have three kids (none together; I have one and he has two...two are adults and the last one will be a senior in HS this year, lives with his mom). So there are no kids left living in our home, just the two of us.

About 10 months ago my father died suddenly after a major heart attack. He had been sick prior to then but I was not aware of it as we were estranged and had been for 1.5 years prior to him dying. In the past year there have been many changes and most of them not good, there has been a lot of stress and I've had a LOT of issues dealing with my grief and guilt regarding my dad's death. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, go to individual counseling, and I've been on anti-depressants for years now.

Very recently I discovered my DH has been texting a co-worker of his; he's 52 and she's 23. It seems he has a "crush" on her and not sure if it's gone further than that. I began looking at his cell phone bill after becoming suspicious of some of his habits changing. A couple days back I installed the eblaster software on his PC as he spends a lot of time on the internet. So far I've found he's been googling her name and looking at what he can see of her profiles on sites such as Facebook (to my knowledge, he does not have a FB profile himself) and Pinterest, Spokeo.....basically anything he can find her on. It appears she's in a relationship/possibly engaged with/to a guy much nearer her own age, from what he's told me and from what I could see of her FB profile and her boyfriend's.

Last weekend I discovered she showed up at a auto related event my husband was participating in but after my daughter (21yo) and I had left the event. I had to take my daughter back to where she was living as she had not driven her car down to visit us that weekend. DH states both the co-worker and her boyfriend showed up at the event, not just her. I have no way of knowing if this is true. She and my DH texted throughout the day and into the evening, maybe around 15-20 texts. She also tried to text him this past Friday and but he didn't respond back to her via text or calling.

DH and I work only about 10 minutes apart from one another and had almost always spent lunch breaks together, until lately when he began make vague excuses as to why he couldn't show up any longer or nearly as often. I decided last week to catch up with him at work and when I got there, I saw him getting out of his brand new car with her.....was well across a large parking lot and I couldn't get to where they were walking quickly enough. He is aware that I know this took place, along with all the texting.

He is completely unaware I am monitoring his internet activity and he thinks by clearing his search history that it will take care of me knowing anything. He is not very computer savvy, while I am and he is well aware of that. He also clears all texts, calls, etc from his phone even though that's not where I learned he was texting this person. Looking at the eblaster report it does not show any communication between the two of them via the internet, such as email or anything else. What it does show is he looks up a fair amount of porn and trying to find info on the 23yo coworker by searching her name on as much as possible.

I've been through a lot in the past year and admittedly, I haven't coped with it very well. I've been depressed and irritable. There have also been other major changes that have been more difficult for me than him, for the most part. My kids leaving the nest has been particularly tough for me....my DD just moved a few states away about three days ago. She's my bio kid and we are very close. DH is also not a big talker and never expresses unhappiness without me pushing him into talking. He's like this with everyone, not just me. Instead of communicating he goes about his business, like with this co-worker.

I have the means to contact his co-worker but I'm not sure what to say or even if I should contact her at all. Additionally, there's the weird aspect of their boss who is currently in an active affair with who used to be the head of their gov't agency (we both work for the gov't, separate agencies); their boss is unmarried and the head of the agency is now getting a divorce after 40+ years of marriage to be with my DH's boss. I can only assume their boss would be non-committal or perhaps even supportive of whatever it is they're doing since she's in an active affair herself. DH has worked for the same employer for about 20 years and we definitely need his income as he makes more than I do.

I have no proof my DH has moved into a PA with his co-worker but he definitely seems interested in her. I see no reason for the texting, internet searches, the event she showed up to if one or both of them isn't interested.

Don't know if this means anything but my DH has very few friends and his closest male friend is inappropriate and does not like me whatsoever. This friend cheated on his first wife extensively and although is in a relationship with someone else now, it's apparent he would prefer it if my DH left me. DH seems to hero worship this guy and would not terminate the friendship. My DH seems to gravitate towards friendships with women for the most part. Some of them are completely platonic and others have been suspect. DH requires an inordinate amount of attention, ego boosting and lacks in self-confidence.

Although I am working towards sorting out my problems of late (depression, grief, etc) DH seems to take no responsibility in our current problems and I'm doubtful he will, at least based on past history. I love him dearly but I'm not superwoman......can't do it all.

Finally, DH still seems interested in spending time with me other than him going MIA during our normal lunches and insisting upon working a bit later than he ever has in the past (this would match the co-worker's schedule). Otherwise he is attentive and caring. However, I am beginning to wonder if that's only an act.

I am tempted to call his boss but figure either nothing will come of it or I'll end up causing trouble for myself. In all honesty, I'm not sure what to do next.

If you made it this far, thanks!

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Can you get the content of the texts? On the operation investigate forum, there is information about how to snoop/spy on all kinds of phones.

You will likely be better off on the Surviving an Affair forum (click notify at the bottom of your post and ask moderators to move your post there), as your husband's behavior indicates at the very least an emotional affair, which given their lunches, has perhaps gone physical.

Just looking at the timeline of the youngest child and the length of your marriage, I have to ask: did your relationship begin as an affair?


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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Thanks for your reply. No, we did not have an affair ourselves but we did meet while we were both in the middle of divorcing our first spouses.....which is sort of close enough since neither of us were likely ready to be in another relationship. My SS is almost 18 (we've been married just 17 years) and and I first met his youngest while he was an infant. DH and his first wife split up very early on in her pregnancy. She and I have spent a lot of time together and we get along well....we've talked quite a bit over the years. Their versions match pretty well.

DH does not have a SmartPhone (he has a Samsung Gravity 3) and it doesn't have a cord to connect to a PC or a Mac (I have a Mac, he has a PC). I haven't investigated it enough to know if it would even come with a cord to connect to a computer. So I've mainly focused on setting up to snoop on his PC and the phone was next on my agenda. Therefore I do not yet know the content of the texts. He does clear everything from his phone and says it's due to my insecurities and "something he's always done" - not true.

Should make mention, I've read a few articles already and I would say my husband lies to avoid trouble, if I had to pick one of the lying types listed. Getting the truth on things related to women or his inappropriate male friend is like pulling teeth and still not succeeding.

Last edited by WhatIsNext17; 08/19/12 02:37 PM.
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I haven't yet found anything on Operation Investigate but have a question. Any way to get T-Mobile to provide the actual texts to me (account is in my name but this may not matter, I think, due to privacy laws). Seems like some cell providers will not release that information whatsoever, not even to the account holder.

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So I checked the eblaster playback on my husband's laptop this afternoon....he sure thinks he's pretty savvy by clearing his search history. Yesterday he was sitting at one end of our dining room table pouring his heart out about how much he wants our marriage to stay intact. Around the same time he's signing up for a secret email address and two separate online dating sites. He has no clue about the eblaster but I just don't get it.....how they can sit there and lie right to your face and it sure seems like there is NO remorse. Today he comes home from work with a big smile on his face wanting a hug and a kiss.....like nothing is going on. Do they just have no conscience? Or is this just part of being in the fog?

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Win, good job, keeping your mouth shut while collecting your info on his activities! Keep going. And do a great Plan A at the same time.


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Originally Posted By: WhatIsNext17
Don't know if this means anything but my DH has very few friends and his closest male friend is inappropriate and does not like me whatsoever. This friend cheated on his first wife extensively and although is in a relationship with someone else now, it's apparent he would prefer it if my DH left me. DH seems to hero worship this guy and would not terminate the friendship.


This stuck out at me. As a guy, there would be very few things less palatable to me than maintaining a friendship with a known and unrepentent philanderer. I certainly wouldn't want them anywhere near my wife or any women I know. I suspect your DH has a history of inappropriate behaviour and you might have uncovered just one of perhaps many examples of such behaviour.

In any case, exposure is your best bet here to stop that A (and yes, it's an A and it's likely very close to getting physical, if it is not already). As she's only 23, the parents of that OW would likely make the best targets for exposure.


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FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: ManInMotion
Originally Posted By: WhatIsNext17
Don't know if this means anything but my DH has very few friends and his closest male friend is inappropriate and does not like me whatsoever. This friend cheated on his first wife extensively and although is in a relationship with someone else now, it's apparent he would prefer it if my DH left me. DH seems to hero worship this guy and would not terminate the friendship.


This stuck out at me. As a guy, there would be very few things less palatable to me than maintaining a friendship with a known and unrepentent philanderer. I certainly wouldn't want them anywhere near my wife or any women I know. I suspect your DH has a history of inappropriate behaviour and you might have uncovered just one of perhaps many examples of such behaviour.

In any case, exposure is your best bet here to stop that A (and yes, it's an A and it's likely very close to getting physical, if it is not already). As she's only 23, the parents of that OW would likely make the best targets for exposure.



I've thought and wondered along the same lines, the part you mentioned about DH's philandering friend. DH claims that his friend is no longer a problem person because he (the friend) is engaged and due to be married this October. The friend cheated on his first wife so what's to stop him from cheating on this one? What I think anyway. I realize people can change but that doesn't seem like the type of behavior that changes just because there's someone new in the role of soon-to-be-wife, even if he does seem to be quite enamored with her. He was likely quite enamored with his first wife at one time.

The 23yo OW.....she lives with her boyfriend about 50 miles away from where she grew up. Wouldn't it be better to expose to the live-in boyfriend? I think they may also be engaged.

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Have you read these?
Exposure 101
Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Yes expose to boyfriend when you expose.


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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: WhatIsNext17


DH does not have a SmartPhone (he has a Samsung Gravity 3) and it doesn't have a cord to connect to a PC or a Mac (I have a Mac, he has a PC). I haven't investigated it enough to know if it would even come with a cord to connect to a computer. So I've mainly focused on setting up to snoop on his PC and the phone was next on my agenda. Therefore I do not yet know the content of the texts.


They do make SIM card readers that allow you to read stored data. Here's one...

http://www.brickhousesecurity.com/product/cell+phone+spy+sim+card+reader.do

They do include the following caveat:

Please make sure your cell phone has a SIM card before you purchase this product by reviewing your phone's documentation. In addition, some phones do not have the ability to save certain data to a SIM card. If you are not sure, contact your cell phone provider first.

I'm not sure if the phone in question would apply here, but it'd be worth looking into. Alternately, his phone could have an accident, requiring you to replace it with a more cooperative phone preloaded with your favorite software.


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Originally Posted By: Northwood8900
Originally Posted By: WhatIsNext17


DH does not have a SmartPhone (he has a Samsung Gravity 3) and it doesn't have a cord to connect to a PC or a Mac (I have a Mac, he has a PC). I haven't investigated it enough to know if it would even come with a cord to connect to a computer. So I've mainly focused on setting up to snoop on his PC and the phone was next on my agenda. Therefore I do not yet know the content of the texts.


They do make SIM card readers that allow you to read stored data. Here's one...

http://www.brickhousesecurity.com/product/cell+phone+spy+sim+card+reader.do

They do include the following caveat:

Please make sure your cell phone has a SIM card before you purchase this product by reviewing your phone's documentation. In addition, some phones do not have the ability to save certain data to a SIM card. If you are not sure, contact your cell phone provider first.

I'm not sure if the phone in question would apply here, but it'd be worth looking into. Alternately, his phone could have an accident, requiring you to replace it with a more cooperative phone preloaded with your favorite software.



This sounds like a good idea and indeed his phone does have a SIM card. Will have to get on that shortly.

LOL@ his phone could have an accident, I needed the chuckle.

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Originally Posted By: WhatIsNext17
Thanks for your reply. No, we did not have an affair ourselves but we did meet while we were both in the middle of divorcing our first spouses.....which is sort of close enough since neither of us were likely ready to be in another relationship.

WIN17,

You need to keep this thread going, rather than focusing on the technicalities of spying, which you are doing on your other threads.

There is little point focusing on spying while he works with the OW that he is infatuated with, or indeed, might be having an affair with, if you are not also dealing with the issue that he still works with her.

It is not clear from this thread whether your H has confessed any of this infatuation, or whether you have discussed it with him at all.

What were the reasons for your divorces? Why did he separate from his wife while she was pregnant? That he did that, and met you while still married to her (and the same for you and your first H) does not show a pattern of behaviour that is a good sign for marriage.


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Originally Posted By: SugarCane
Originally Posted By: WhatIsNext17
Thanks for your reply. No, we did not have an affair ourselves but we did meet while we were both in the middle of divorcing our first spouses.....which is sort of close enough since neither of us were likely ready to be in another relationship.

WIN17,

You need to keep this thread going, rather than focusing on the technicalities of spying, which you are doing on your other threads.

There is little point focusing on spying while he works with the OW that he is infatuated with, or indeed, might be having an affair with, if you are not also dealing with the issue that he still works with her.

It is not clear from this thread whether your H has confessed any of this infatuation, or whether you have discussed it with him at all.

What were the reasons for your divorces? Why did he separate from his wife while she was pregnant? That he did that, and met you while still married to her (and the same for you and your first H) does not show a pattern of behaviour that is a good sign for marriage.


We met while we were separated from each of our spouses and yes, their divorce was final not long after their second child was born. My first husband is an alcoholic and this was the main reason for our divorce. Current DH had been unhappy in his first marriage for a considerable amount of time. It's a whole myriad of reasons for the unhappiness on their part. Him getting out of the military, not agreeing on having a second child, where they were living at the time, etc.

Currently, DH has not confessed to anything; affair, infatuation, or otherwise. Which is why I've been focused on the spying to see what I'm dealing with. I'm not sure which approach I should be taking as far as dealing with my marriage if I'm not sure what he's actually doing. It would appear it is an infatuation on his part but I don't know 100%. I've not seen anything where they have actually communicated online.

I've told my DH he needs to find another job and so far he has not complied with this. I'm getting to the point where I don't want to deal with any of this any longer. I'm not a "spring chicken" and I cannot compete with a woman who is in her early 20's, not in terms of youthfulness and physical attractiveness. I'm attractive and in good shape for someone my age but I'm also more than 20 years older than his co-worker.

Last night, after fulfilling one of his top EN's (SF) and while I'm sleeping, he's on the internet looking up modeling type pictures of his co-worker posted on the photographer's website. Talk about frustrating.

If it's an infatuation, so far, I wouldn't even know what to do about ending it. Seems like it would be easier to just walk. Especially since there aren't many jobs to be had around here, even if he was making more of an effort to find one.....which he isn't.

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Originally Posted By: WhatIsNext17
Originally Posted By: SugarCane
Originally Posted By: WhatIsNext17
Thanks for your reply. No, we did not have an affair ourselves but we did meet while we were both in the middle of divorcing our first spouses.....which is sort of close enough since neither of us were likely ready to be in another relationship.

WIN17,

You need to keep this thread going, rather than focusing on the technicalities of spying, which you are doing on your other threads.

There is little point focusing on spying while he works with the OW that he is infatuated with, or indeed, might be having an affair with, if you are not also dealing with the issue that he still works with her.

It is not clear from this thread whether your H has confessed any of this infatuation, or whether you have discussed it with him at all.

What were the reasons for your divorces? Why did he separate from his wife while she was pregnant? That he did that, and met you while still married to her (and the same for you and your first H) does not show a pattern of behaviour that is a good sign for marriage.


We met while we were separated from each of our spouses and yes, their divorce was final not long after their second child was born. My first husband is an alcoholic and this was the main reason for our divorce. Current DH had been unhappy in his first marriage for a considerable amount of time. It's a whole myriad of reasons for the unhappiness on their part. Him getting out of the military, not agreeing on having a second child, where they were living at the time, etc.

Currently, DH has not confessed to anything; affair, infatuation, or otherwise. Which is why I've been focused on the spying to see what I'm dealing with. I'm not sure which approach I should be taking as far as dealing with my marriage if I'm not sure what he's actually doing. It would appear it is an infatuation on his part but I don't know 100%. I've not seen anything where they have actually communicated online.

I've told my DH he needs to find another job and so far he has not complied with this. I'm getting to the point where I don't want to deal with any of this any longer. I'm not a "spring chicken" and I cannot compete with a woman who is in her early 20's, not in terms of youthfulness and physical attractiveness. I'm attractive and in good shape for someone my age but I'm also more than 20 years older than his co-worker.

Last night, after fulfilling one of his top EN's (SF) and while I'm sleeping, he's on the internet looking up modeling type pictures of his co-worker posted on the photographer's website. Talk about frustrating.

If it's an infatuation, so far, I wouldn't even know what to do about ending it. Seems like it would be easier to just walk. Especially since there aren't many jobs to be had around here, even if he was making more of an effort to find one.....which he isn't.


So what has all your snooping showed you?



FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Originally Posted By: WhatIsNext17
Originally Posted By: SugarCane
Originally Posted By: WhatIsNext17
Thanks for your reply. No, we did not have an affair ourselves but we did meet while we were both in the middle of divorcing our first spouses.....which is sort of close enough since neither of us were likely ready to be in another relationship.

WIN17,

You need to keep this thread going, rather than focusing on the technicalities of spying, which you are doing on your other threads.

There is little point focusing on spying while he works with the OW that he is infatuated with, or indeed, might be having an affair with, if you are not also dealing with the issue that he still works with her.

It is not clear from this thread whether your H has confessed any of this infatuation, or whether you have discussed it with him at all.

What were the reasons for your divorces? Why did he separate from his wife while she was pregnant? That he did that, and met you while still married to her (and the same for you and your first H) does not show a pattern of behaviour that is a good sign for marriage.


We met while we were separated from each of our spouses and yes, their divorce was final not long after their second child was born. My first husband is an alcoholic and this was the main reason for our divorce. Current DH had been unhappy in his first marriage for a considerable amount of time. It's a whole myriad of reasons for the unhappiness on their part. Him getting out of the military, not agreeing on having a second child, where they were living at the time, etc.

Currently, DH has not confessed to anything; affair, infatuation, or otherwise. Which is why I've been focused on the spying to see what I'm dealing with. I'm not sure which approach I should be taking as far as dealing with my marriage if I'm not sure what he's actually doing. It would appear it is an infatuation on his part but I don't know 100%. I've not seen anything where they have actually communicated online.

I've told my DH he needs to find another job and so far he has not complied with this. I'm getting to the point where I don't want to deal with any of this any longer. I'm not a "spring chicken" and I cannot compete with a woman who is in her early 20's, not in terms of youthfulness and physical attractiveness. I'm attractive and in good shape for someone my age but I'm also more than 20 years older than his co-worker.

Last night, after fulfilling one of his top EN's (SF) and while I'm sleeping, he's on the internet looking up modeling type pictures of his co-worker posted on the photographer's website. Talk about frustrating.

If it's an infatuation, so far, I wouldn't even know what to do about ending it. Seems like it would be easier to just walk. Especially since there aren't many jobs to be had around here, even if he was making more of an effort to find one.....which he isn't.


So what has all your snooping showed you?



It has shown me my husband is at a minimum infatuated with his coworker. I have no proof of anything else.

About an hour ago he told me he still refuses to quit his job as it would create too much stress for him with other priorities he has going on. I would say then that puts me at the bottom of the list, if not off it altogether.

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So you are sure they aren't communicating?

He's just looking at her pictures? Have you caught him looking or that's just from your Intel?


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
So you are sure they aren't communicating?

He's just looking at her pictures? Have you caught him looking or that's just from your Intel?


They communicate everyday at work.

They had been texting each other quite frequently but do not do so any longer. He does not have a Smart Phone so I do not think there is anything on his phone enabling him to text her on the sly type of thing. I looked for a secret phone and so far have never found anything.

He spent time with her at a weekend event that I had been at; she arrived after I left although she had been trying to text him all of that day. He began returning her texts right after I left, according to the phone records. he says she showed up with her boyfriend (have no idea if this is true) and the reason he didn't tell me any of this before or after the fact was that he "didn't even know whether or not she was going to show up."

He also went out to lunch during the week after that event and lied about it to me.....said he was going to work through his lunch break. He told me later she also wanted a ride in his new car and he gave her one. He didn't tell me any of this because, he says, I would just get mad at him.....so it was easier to omit the truth/lie.

Eblaster reports show me he's tried finding her on various websites, basically spent a lot of time googling her name and trying to view information about her on websites such as Facebook, Pinterest, MyLife, etc. He also created a separate email address to sign up for his own MyLife account. Last night after I'd gone to sleep was when he looked up the pictures on the photographer's website. He's also been looking up a considerable amount of free porn.

Currently he keeps repeating himself about two things. One, that I'm overreacting about what he's "NOT doing" and two, the reason I'm overreacting is because I don't trust him and because I am "messed up" over my dad's death almost a year ago. I am currently in IC to deal with my dad's death and my grief.....DH claims if I would "just deal with that" that I would see how ridiculous I'm being about his coworker. That it's ok for him be curious about her and spend time looking her up on the internet because, after all, everyone is curious about who they work with. Thing is, he's not looking up any of his other coworkers.

A very good friend of his (male) is also one to encourage my DH to do whatever necessary to unload me.....the guy hates me because, at one time, he had no wingman to hang out with. This friend cheated on his first wife extensively and is supposed to remarry this fall.

Basically, DH tells me if I wasn't "crazy" then his friendship with the coworker he refuses to introduce me to, etc.....then all would be well. All well for him, I'm assuming.

I don't know what he's done with her in terms of getting physical, if anything. Not in denial but I just have no proof. He adamantly refuses to look for another job and his work hours have become longer as of late....the last few weeks. This correlates with when this coworker showed up at the weekend event and then going out to lunch shortly thereafter in the next work week.

His boss is also in the middle of an affair herself, with the equivalent of a company president (we both work for the same branch of government but different agencies). Her affair caught so much attention that she and her AP were even contacted by well-known television station that want to do a movie on the situation. Her AP went back into retirement after they were exposed and she continues to work there but may soon be terminated for using government resources to conduct their affair. There have been two investigations into her conduct; one at the employer level and the current one is taking place from a higher level of gov't which has deemed the first investigation as incomplete and botched, basically.

The reason for mentioning his boss's affair is because she spoke of it often to her employees and I believe she created an environment that says that type of thing is ok. She is now living with her AP while he divorces his wife of 40+ years. Apparently they plan to get married while the ink is drying on his divorce papers; as in, as soon as he's legally able to marry her. She's been married/divorced five other times.

DH tells me the solution for this is to "I guess if I have to I'll just make sure I never look at her or talk to her again. I'll do that if I absolutely HAVE to." He's a man in his 50's and right now he sounds like an entitled 5yo kid. He's also very much trying to convince me this is all my fault and I'm trying to take his 23yo coworker/friend away from him.

Right now I feel like sludge and unable to move, make a decent decision, etc. I am normally not like this and it feels terrible. I hate this.

Joined: Oct 2011
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I can't help but notice his youngest is going to be a senior in high school (so 17-18) and you've been married 17 years. Aside from his 'myriad of reasons', have you ever asked his ex-wife if your affair with him was the actual reason for his divorce? The timeline would suggest so. Yes, I know you think the marriage was over - but was it?

So, it appears history repeats itself now. Have you read about "Plan A"?

Last edited by alis; 09/01/12 06:33 PM.
Joined: Nov 2010
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Put a VAR in his car.

How are you doing with your Carrot and Stick of Plan A ?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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