|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
We wil get about 15 hours, I probably need more for me since I've been gone for so long. Agree. Can you schedule more? Welcome back, BTW.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 230
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 230 |
I read all these links. I'm starting to lose faith. I'm starting to think its because we havent moved. I'm not sure. I used to believe in MB advice, but i just keep having flashbacks now to the things she did and said. I'm not sure what to do anymore.
WW-30
Me BH-35
OM-1 EA/PA for 2.5 yrs
OM-2 EA/PA 3 mos
Married since Nov 2002
DDay-April 4th, 2011, DD#2-four days later
DD-3
Working on recovery
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
I read all these links. I'm starting to lose faith. I'm starting to think its because we havent moved. I'm not sure. I used to believe in MB advice, but i just keep having flashbacks now to the things she did and said. I'm not sure what to do anymore. Are you meeting the 4 intimate ENs during UA time? Can you do the online program?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 230
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 230 |
Yes on the SF, no on the RC. I'm gonna give it time. I told her I would.
WW-30
Me BH-35
OM-1 EA/PA for 2.5 yrs
OM-2 EA/PA 3 mos
Married since Nov 2002
DDay-April 4th, 2011, DD#2-four days later
DD-3
Working on recovery
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
Yes on the SF, no on the RC. I'm gonna give it time. I told her I would. Can you sit down and schedule RC together and activities you both like? Have you read this? 20YearHistory's Thread He was going through the exact same thing as you.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 230
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 230 |
I haven't read the whole thread yet and we've done the RC checklist previously.
WW-30
Me BH-35
OM-1 EA/PA for 2.5 yrs
OM-2 EA/PA 3 mos
Married since Nov 2002
DDay-April 4th, 2011, DD#2-four days later
DD-3
Working on recovery
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956 Likes: 1 |
Since you have a child together, try giving your marriage about six months. Once you spend those six months together, sharing a minimum of 20 hours of UA time (15 is the minimum to stay in love in a marriage that's already good) and meeting each others intimate ENs, you will have a better feel for how things are going.
Does your W practice the Extraordinary Precautions as a habit now?
Even without the A, it takes time to reconnect after a long separation.
The flashbacks and resentment take time to fade - about 2 - 5 years. MB is all about actions. Follow the plan and the actions required, and it will work.
The Online Seminar is worth the cost. The accountability is very helpful and having the online access to Dr. Harley has been invaluable. The assigned coach is also available.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 230
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 230 |
You're absolutely right. I do have a daughter and I couldn't stand for her to have a stepdad. We both practice EP's and she does make me feel safe now and is very accountable for her time.
We just need more UA time so I can feel close again.
WW-30
Me BH-35
OM-1 EA/PA for 2.5 yrs
OM-2 EA/PA 3 mos
Married since Nov 2002
DDay-April 4th, 2011, DD#2-four days later
DD-3
Working on recovery
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
You're absolutely right. I do have a daughter and I couldn't stand for her to have a stepdad. We both practice EP's and she does make me feel safe now and is very accountable for her time.
We just need more UA time so I can feel close again. So how much UA time do you have scheduled?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 230
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 230 |
WW-30
Me BH-35
OM-1 EA/PA for 2.5 yrs
OM-2 EA/PA 3 mos
Married since Nov 2002
DDay-April 4th, 2011, DD#2-four days later
DD-3
Working on recovery
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 230
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 230 |
So here I am. Almost two years later. Still with one foot out the door. It seems like its a daily talk with myself on why I should stay or why I should go. I feel like my WW has put me in my own personal hell. If I stay I have to be haunted by her affairs, if I go I'm putting my own interests over my DD's and get drug through a divorce. I don't know how any man recovers his self esteem from this. At what point do I cut my losses?
WW-30
Me BH-35
OM-1 EA/PA for 2.5 yrs
OM-2 EA/PA 3 mos
Married since Nov 2002
DDay-April 4th, 2011, DD#2-four days later
DD-3
Working on recovery
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1 |
So here I am. Almost two years later. Still with one foot out the door. It seems like its a daily talk with myself on why I should stay or why I should go. I feel like my WW has put me in my own personal hell. If I stay I have to be haunted by her affairs, if I go I'm putting my own interests over my DD's and get drug through a divorce. I don't know how any man recovers his self esteem from this. At what point do I cut my losses? I have one major question; How is your UA time going? If you are not keeping up UA time, and don't plan to take the most critical part of this program seriously, after two years you might be better off to pack it in. And don't ever remarry until you are ready to maintain UA time as the most critical part of your marriage.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 230
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 230 |
My UA time is s#!t. I'm active duty military. I try, she tries. I'm starting to think recovery isn't possible in this line of work.
WW-30
Me BH-35
OM-1 EA/PA for 2.5 yrs
OM-2 EA/PA 3 mos
Married since Nov 2002
DDay-April 4th, 2011, DD#2-four days later
DD-3
Working on recovery
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1 |
My UA time is s#!t. I'm active duty military. I try, she tries. I'm starting to think recovery isn't possible in this line of work. Not what you want to hear, right? But, you are correct. With constant overnight separations recovery is nearly impossible. The stress and anguish that you are going to go through during those separations will constantly empty your Love Bank, and each stretch of home time will be back to square one. Your marriage may very well be recoverable, if you make the CHOICE to choose your marriage over your carreer. I'd look into a family hardship discharge, and think about a line of work that will compliment, rather than harm, your marriage. Sorry for your pain, brother. But, if you can rectify the gaping holes in the plan, I promise it gets better.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 230
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 230 |
The requirements for a hardship discharge are stringent and I don't meet them. Thanks for the words of wisdom.
WW-30
Me BH-35
OM-1 EA/PA for 2.5 yrs
OM-2 EA/PA 3 mos
Married since Nov 2002
DDay-April 4th, 2011, DD#2-four days later
DD-3
Working on recovery
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1 |
The requirements for a hardship discharge are stringent and I don't meet them. Thanks for the words of wisdom. When is your current contract up?
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 230
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 230 |
WW-30
Me BH-35
OM-1 EA/PA for 2.5 yrs
OM-2 EA/PA 3 mos
Married since Nov 2002
DDay-April 4th, 2011, DD#2-four days later
DD-3
Working on recovery
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1 |
IP, have you posted over in the Military Marriages section of the forums at all?
I think you might find some guidance there from people who have faced similar situations, and how they were able to apply MB to their situations.
I'm sure a good deal of posters could conceptualize it, but those who have dredged through it may provide some better insight on applying the program while you still have 4 years of duty left...
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
191
guests, and
67
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,621
Posts2,323,490
Members71,959
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
