The more mad she is=exposure was a bullseye.

Yeah, I'm hoping that he stands strong this weekend.

My FWW never quite went completely nuts at exposure, but I think the key is remaining calm and pretending like you're doing just fine...even if you're pissed purple on the inside.

there is almost a tangible feeling after an A is exposed, that THIS marks the beginning of the end of the affair.

2L2L,

what are the chances of someone who has had depression (untreated) for many years, this exposure driving them over the edge and doing something horrible to themselves.

Lower than the chances it would happen if she destroys her family, moves in with OM and ends up with OM cheating on her.

Ask her how could she do this to her children, and how could she associate with an OM who would do this to her children.

God Bless
Gamma

Do you have any family members that can come over for supper tonight?

Her basis (regarding our DD) is she (WW) would rather be D than miserable the rest of WW life for her (DD). This, I assume, is her detached, hopeless emotions speaking and not wanting to work to make things better instead.

I have not replied any more yet, than "I'll do whatever it takes...."

but her last text read: "by screwing with my work and making it so I cant get promoted? Thats logical"

Funny, well not really, sad actually, that she's more concerned about promotions than she was the well being of her H and DD.

Nope

I'd text her this and then turn your phone off:

I'm sorry that your adultery has hurt your chances for promotion and that you're upset that others know about your affair, but I'm not going to let you drag me into an argument over it. Got to go, talk to you later.

Done, used "unfortunate" and ended with, let me know what time to pick you up.

Well, S*, I should probably get to figuring out the next steps for either direction this could go (does or doesn't end A).

If she wants end A and R, I need to have a plan. I know it's here, I've got Doc Harley's SAA here, but stopped reading when it got to the point of R.

I'll need to read up on that. More suggested reading on establishing a plan for either direction this thing goes? Been spending all my time reading on dealing with whatever current situation is. There's so much good info and things to read it's hard to get it all.

The Aftermath

When things die down somewhat, it is important that you present a PLAN to your WS for recovery. The next step is to lead your marriage out of the ditch.

First step is to DEMAND your spouse end the affair.


Ask him/her to send a no contact letter to the OP that is written together, approved by you and mailed together. [template below from SAA]

Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OM for life Yes, this means that she cannot work there with him

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!

Her non-response to your shutdown text is good. Anticipate that she'll regroup and go for round two, however, but just stay above and out of her drama and you'll do fine