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The more mad she is=exposure was a bullseye. This is very true. I'd be more worried if she hadn't reacted at all. Just stay strong, let her go pout in her corner and YOU go on with life as if everything was normal. Come here and pound the keys and cuss and scream if you have to, just don't do it in front of your WW. Website traffic gets a little slow here on the weekends, but I'm sure we'll all drop by from time to time to see how you're doing.
Me (BH) FWW Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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Yeah, I'm hoping that he stands strong this weekend.
My FWW never quite went completely nuts at exposure, but I think the key is remaining calm and pretending like you're doing just fine...even if you're pissed purple on the inside. Patience and restraint are extraordinarily difficult. 2 traits I don�t inherently have. They were very much learned traits for me during this and vital to survival. Still work on them every day. Don�t know about your FWW, but is seems like exposure not only kills the A but after a little while it is a component of them hitting rock bottom which at least for my story was a critical step to hit...the pit was the beginning of her rebirth.
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Absolutely...
Again, the vets were right on -- the reaction to exposure seems to be in direct proportion to the damage done to the affair.
When my W went batxxxx, I remember being almost giddy (nervously) and thinking "damn, this xxxx is going DOWN!"
And I think NW is on target: there is almost a tangible feeling after an A is exposed, that THIS marks the beginning of the end of the affair.
Last edited by helpfordad; 09/14/12 02:11 PM.
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there is almost a tangible feeling after an A is exposed, that THIS marks the beginning of the end of the affair. For me, it was just a moment where I was sick and damned tired of being s & d tired. At, what, 33 or 34, I was too freaking old to be fooling with that kind of childish behavior from another adult and think that she finally got it. That this wasn't going to happen or, if it did, that I sure as hell wasn't going along for the ride any longer. It's akin to when your children are misbehaving and you just have had enough and tell them to STOP IT...and they do, because they know you're serious this time around. Funny how these exposures always seems to go down on Fridays.
Me (BH) FWW Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. I don't know what else to say.
I do tend to avoid conflict, so I'm sure that's why I worry this will be hard for me, but you all are giving me great advice. I just need to be able to remember it all when the time comes.
I have to say, I'm a bit surprised her text's have not been nastier.
Dad, thank you for your post above, I'm happy to hear how your weekend after exposure went. I hope mine can go similarly.
BH (me) - 40 WW-31 Married 4, together 12 DD 3 DDay (EA) - 8/17/12 Confronted/admitted - EA turned PA - 9/11/12 Exposed- 9/12/12
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I have not replied any more yet, than "I'll do whatever it takes...."
but her last text read: "by screwing with my work and making it so I cant get promoted? Thats logical"
Funny, well not really, sad actually, that she's more concerned about promotions than she was the well being of her H and DD.
BH (me) - 40 WW-31 Married 4, together 12 DD 3 DDay (EA) - 8/17/12 Confronted/admitted - EA turned PA - 9/11/12 Exposed- 9/12/12
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2L2L,
what are the chances of someone who has had depression (untreated) for many years, this exposure driving them over the edge and doing something horrible to themselves.
Lower than the chances it would happen if she destroys her family, moves in with OM and ends up with OM cheating on her.
Ask her how could she do this to her children, and how could she associate with an OM who would do this to her children.
God Bless Gamma
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2L2L,
what are the chances of someone who has had depression (untreated) for many years, this exposure driving them over the edge and doing something horrible to themselves.
Lower than the chances it would happen if she destroys her family, moves in with OM and ends up with OM cheating on her.
Ask her how could she do this to her children, and how could she associate with an OM who would do this to her children.
God Bless Gamma Ok. The last thing I want to happen from me exposing this is to have her hurt or worse herself. I see what you are saying about the alternative though. Her basis (regarding our DD) is she (WW) would rather be D than miserable the rest of WW life for her (DD). This, I assume, is her detached, hopeless emotions speaking and not wanting to work to make things better instead.
BH (me) - 40 WW-31 Married 4, together 12 DD 3 DDay (EA) - 8/17/12 Confronted/admitted - EA turned PA - 9/11/12 Exposed- 9/12/12
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Do you have any family members that can come over for supper tonight? Nope
BH (me) - 40 WW-31 Married 4, together 12 DD 3 DDay (EA) - 8/17/12 Confronted/admitted - EA turned PA - 9/11/12 Exposed- 9/12/12
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Her basis (regarding our DD) is she (WW) would rather be D than miserable the rest of WW life for her (DD). This, I assume, is her detached, hopeless emotions speaking and not wanting to work to make things better instead. I heard the exact same thing and guarantee that others have, too. It's textbook and, outside of an affair, may be actually worth considering. But she's having an affair which, generally, means that she'll say nothing positive about your relationship. Please try not to get bogged down analyzing what she says. The OM is the first problem here that must be taken care of now. After that, y'all can work on all of the things that got you here to begin with. One thing at a time. Don't go borrowing troubles.
Me (BH) FWW Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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I have not replied any more yet, than "I'll do whatever it takes...."
but her last text read: "by screwing with my work and making it so I cant get promoted? Thats logical"
Funny, well not really, sad actually, that she's more concerned about promotions than she was the well being of her H and DD. I really think you need to respond to this with something dismissing this as a natural consequence of her behavior. It's not a "I'm going to get the last word in" but YOU standing up for yourself here and refusing to play this game with her. It tells her that you know that the blame for all of this lies on her shoulders and that you aren't going to take that burden for her. Or tell her in person. Either way, she needs to be informed of your line of thinking.
Me (BH) FWW Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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Do you have any family members that can come over for supper tonight? Nope Then you go about your evening as you normally would.
Me (BH) FWW Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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I'd text her this and then turn your phone off:
I'm sorry that your adultery has hurt your chances for promotion and that you're upset that others know about your affair, but I'm not going to let you drag me into an argument over it. Got to go, talk to you later. Done, used "unfortunate" and ended with, let me know what time to pick you up.
Last edited by 2little_2late; 09/14/12 02:45 PM.
BH (me) - 40 WW-31 Married 4, together 12 DD 3 DDay (EA) - 8/17/12 Confronted/admitted - EA turned PA - 9/11/12 Exposed- 9/12/12
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Well, S*, I should probably get to figuring out the next steps for either direction this could go (does or doesn't end A).
If she wants end A and R, I need to have a plan. I know it's here, I've got Doc Harley's SAA here, but stopped reading when it got to the point of R.
I'll need to read up on that. More suggested reading on establishing a plan for either direction this thing goes? Been spending all my time reading on dealing with whatever current situation is. There's so much good info and things to read it's hard to get it all.
BH (me) - 40 WW-31 Married 4, together 12 DD 3 DDay (EA) - 8/17/12 Confronted/admitted - EA turned PA - 9/11/12 Exposed- 9/12/12
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I'd text her this and then turn your phone off:
I'm sorry that your adultery has hurt your chances for promotion and that you're upset that others know about your affair, but I'm not going to let you drag me into an argument over it. Got to go, talk to you later. Done, used "unfortunate" and ended with, let me know what time to pick you up. WOW, her response was only what time to pick up. Hmm
BH (me) - 40 WW-31 Married 4, together 12 DD 3 DDay (EA) - 8/17/12 Confronted/admitted - EA turned PA - 9/11/12 Exposed- 9/12/12
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Well, S*, I should probably get to figuring out the next steps for either direction this could go (does or doesn't end A).
If she wants end A and R, I need to have a plan. I know it's here, I've got Doc Harley's SAA here, but stopped reading when it got to the point of R.
I'll need to read up on that. More suggested reading on establishing a plan for either direction this thing goes? Been spending all my time reading on dealing with whatever current situation is. There's so much good info and things to read it's hard to get it all. Here, read this: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583#Post2566583Go down toward the end of the first page where MelodyLane has a post called "The Aftermath".Start there. Her non-response to your shutdown text is good. Anticipate that she'll regroup and go for round two, however, but just stay above and out of her drama and you'll do fine
Last edited by Northwood8900; 09/14/12 03:11 PM.
Me (BH) FWW Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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Here's her post... The AftermathWhen things die down somewhat, it is important that you present a PLAN to your WS for recovery. The next step is to lead your marriage out of the ditch. First step is to DEMAND your spouse end the affair. "Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers." Ask him/her to send a no contact letter to the OP that is written together, approved by you and mailed together. [template below from SAA] Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested: 1. end all contact with the OM for life Yes, this means that she cannot work there with him2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle 3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc 4. no more opposite sex friendships 5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph 6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair. Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage. Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!
Last edited by Northwood8900; 09/14/12 03:15 PM.
Me (BH) FWW Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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When she says "So if I don't do that, then what?"
You say "If you continue with your adultery, then this will end in divorce." Get up and walk away at that point.
Me (BH) FWW Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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Her non-response to your shutdown text is good. Anticipate that she'll regroup and go for round two, however, but just stay above and out of her drama and you'll do fine Does it ever happen, where the WW gets such a slap of reality, and maybe her coworkers talked to her about A and told her "that is a man who loves you" (for doing the exposure and the will to save marriage), that the WW is ready to R and the fury of exposure was dismissed as knowing it was what she needed to happen? I get the feeling that maybe she needed to see this kind of action from me to prove to her my love. She did tell me a week-week1/2 ago that she "never expected me to try".
BH (me) - 40 WW-31 Married 4, together 12 DD 3 DDay (EA) - 8/17/12 Confronted/admitted - EA turned PA - 9/11/12 Exposed- 9/12/12
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A BH who does a big exposure does show by his actions how much he loves his WW and wants to save his marriage. It's the enabling BH that the WW has no respect for.
Good Job 2little.
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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