I am a male in my mid-forties, dating a woman a few years older. We are both divorced and have been through one long-term relationship each since our marriages ended. Our relationship is great and we are talking about a future together, meaning marriage.

While she is perfect in many ways, there is something bothering me. And it�s a big one.

She ended her marriage with an affair.

The marriage was over due to other issues, but towards the end, she started an affair that lasted 4 years, on and off. When it ended, I met her shortly after. As far as I know, there was no infidelity in her last relationship.

She admitted to it, has expressed regret, and has apologized to her ex. And he apologized for hurting her as well. I don�t think he cheated, but she did tell me he had a marijuana problem that he couldn�t shake, thus the end of the marriage.

I should also mention that she is still legally married. She claims for insurance reasons, even though he has a good job with the Postal Service. Their papers are signed but will not be complete until she pays off her attorney. I honestly think she has tremendous guilt over the way they handled their breakup, and is reluctant to �pull the trigger� on their divorce. Emotionally, I don�t believe she wants him back. He is also involved with another woman and it�s been about 5 years since they�ve split.

So my dilemma is this, she shows no outward personality traits that would suggest a serial cheater. She is a fairly open book, a wonderful partner, and someone who truly cherishes relationships, healthy ones, at least. Would she be susceptible to cheating on me when things are not so rosy between us? I have approached her on this and she did not respond. But, she came back a short while and demonstrated verbally that she is completely committed to us. Can I ever be sure? Probably not. What do you guys think?

She can tell you what she wants, but the fact is that she was in a long-term affair and is still married to her husband! So, let her tell you until she is blue in the face that she values commitment but her actions speak otherwise.

First off, the woman is still married so she is still cheating and could easily go back to her husband. The traits that the typical cheater has are inappropriate boundaries around the opposite sex. If she has lots of male friends then she will always be vulnerable to an affair. I am curious why she doesn't work this out with her husband if she is really remorseful?

Is she living with her husband? And has she cut off off contact with her affair partner?

I did question why she remains married and she insists it's for insurance reasons. But she says it is ending very soon and they will be legally divorced. Somehow I don't buy it.

They split 5 years ago and she moved over 100 miles away. The affair partner is over and done with. He moved on as well.

She does not have a lot of male friends, at al. Almost all are female.

Don't date married women.

Honestly, 'insurance reasons'? If she values that more than her marital status, she's not trustworthy.

Women who decide to 'break up' with their husband instead of divorcing him will always treat marriage like a disposable high school relationship. Do you want to be married under those circumstances? To be ditched at the first sign of a glitch or an attentive other man?




Four years. Lying. Let that one sink in.



How? Given him back the marital funds she spent on her A? Gotten an STD check to see whether she passed anything on? Offered to reconcile if he wants to? Told friends and family how her actions ended the marriage so no one blamed him?

I seriously hope you don't mean she had the nerve to just toss a verbal apology his way unverified by actions.



So she is keeping him in limbo for emotional and financial reasons?

Ill just bet she's stayed friends with him too so she can continue to have emotional needs met by him while she prevents him from moving on. Meantime she has a succession of OM while not divorcing him.

ALL waywards have guilt. Because they know it's wrong. The entire four years she was probably horribly guilty! Didn't stop her from having her cake though did it?

Run.



Priceless. I'm sure you felt brilliant when she did that. When she clearly had her dilemma over whether to obey her guilt over lying or her taste for cake whenever she likes it.



Yeah waywards like to do things verbally. Verbal apologies. Verbal divorces. They don't like paperwork. Or actions. Very binding you see.

If she tells you she has gotten a divorce and you decide to risk your future and marry an active wayward, at the very least ASK to see the paperwork.

She would not be the first, or the last one to try bigamy in order to get their cake eating fix.

Why would you? If she wanted to be divorced - she would be divorced.

If she was remorseful for her shabby actions in the marriage - she would be behaving in a repentant way to her BH. Recovering what she destroyed.

Don't listen to words. Actions are everything.

SP12345,

The marriage was over due to other issues, but towards the end, she started an affair that lasted 4 years, on and off. When it ended, I met her shortly after.

Sounds like she is fond of blame shifting, a 4 year affair can kill any marriage, it's common for WS to claim that the affair was not the cause of their divorce.

She did tell me he had a marijuana problem that he couldn�t shake, thus the end of the marriage.

So her solution to problems is to create more problems. Would you cheat on her if she started drinking?

I should also mention that she is still legally married. She claims for "insurance reasons".

Does she like to give vague and incomplete answers to most questions, have you caught her in other white lies?

I have approached her on this and she did not respond. But, she came back a short while and demonstrated verbally that she is completely committed to us. Can I ever be sure?

That she didn't respond immediately, but had to step aside to calculate her response is telling.

Apologize to her husband and then dump her.

How long did it take her to tell you she was still married or did she claim to be single when you first met her???

God Bless
Gamma

I agree. He needs to know the manure she is still selling to potential affair partners while keeping her marriage in limbo.

Why would anyone want a girlfriend who still has a Betrayed husband?

Madness.

Indie, you are right about waywards not liking paperwork, it makes things too permanent. Great call there.

I have never cheated, nor have been cheated on. When my marriage fell apart, it took two years to resolve it. But in that time, I absolutely refused to have sex with other women, even though I knew I would not reconcile with my wife. I simply wanted to leave the marriage with my dignity so I would never have doubts or the inevitable guilt. And I make no apologies for it! After my divorce was final, I settled into a 5 year healthy relationship that eventually ended. But at least I didn't carry the guilt of an affair on my shoulders throughout.

These are all great responses and I appreciate them all. My gut instinct was correct and you guys have hit on some points I've overlooked.

I can see how vague she has been when it came to her state of marriage. I can tell you her ex wants her back REALLY BAD and being she refuses to officially divorce him, it is clear she is enjoying the emotional roller-coaster he is on.

I will have a serious heart-to-heart over the next couple of days and will attempt to get her to answer these important questions, minus the vagueness.

I will also need to end this affair. As wonderful as she is (for now at least), I already went through a bitter divorce (no infidelity) and really don't want to do it again.

SP12345,

One not so small point, her BH might have started smoking because of her affair, not the other way around, it's called rewriting history.

There is a good chance her BH is suffering even now because of continued affairing.

And the survival statistics for marriages that begin as affairs are very very poor.

God Bless
Gamma

I'd speak to her husband rather than to her.

Free the poor man and yourself.

She's addicted to needs he provides (admiration and FS obviously) and the ones you provide too. She can't lose either one.

Addicts are master manipulators and she will quite simply just muster up another level of lying if you threaten her addiction.

Look how she has the poor man she betrayed still dancing to her tune.

Ever read the fairy stories where the hero is advised not to go into a certain house, not look into the snake womans eyes, not to fall for some obvious temptation?

Basically he is told not to detour from the main point of the quest.

End the affair through HER HUSBAND. Send her a letter simply ending it and change your contact details so she can't respond. Don't get sucked into her lair just to have a pointless, untrue conversation filled with lies.

UPDATE:

Well, I had the proverbial talk with the WS. Laid out all my feelings how she needs to be honest about her feelings towards her husband, and that I can no longer be a part of this situation.

The silence was deafening. She had little to say, which tells me a lot. This woman is simply not ready to move forward with me the way she needs to. I let her know that I will no longer allow her to be a cake eater (Yes, I called her that, too), and that she is just stringing me and her husband along.

I put the ball in her court to tell me how she feels about all this. I get the impression that this will be too much for her to deal with, and that I will need to just walk away, which I am prepared to do.

As for the insurance, I told her I don't buy her story (nicely, of course) and that the real reason is her emotional attachment to him. On top of the fact that she's a cake eater. Ironically, she tells me that she met him in the city just this morning, and exchanged her brand new medical cards with him. Meaning she will remain married for at least another year! How's that for my answer?

Time to move on. Thanks for all the great advice!

Good job.

Now don't let her pull you back in. Detach from her.

Just stay away from married or "separated " women.
I registered for an online dating service and am amazed at all the women profiles Listing their relationship status as "separated".

Separation is NOT divorce.

Keep your boundaries high.

Agreed.

My mom was "separated" on a dating site too. Her husband (my FATHER, who she was living with) just wasn't informed yet... Her internet husband didn't even know she was still living with her (ex) husband 3 weeks before their wedding.

It's incredible what stories these people concoct in their minds.

It would be nice if you could let the BH know. Even if you just sent him a letter or FB message or something. He isnt letting her share medical benefits and giving her FS for nothing. He considers the marriage active. She's leading him on. She probably has told him nothing about her dating life and tells him she's considering coming home but for now she just 'needs space'.

That would be a good act.
On the flip side he may be another spouse that has been beaten into accepting an "open marriage".

There's a chance. But I thought if that had happened she would be talking about HIS affairs/new relationships more to the OP to justify her own and to legitimise her 'separation'.

I think there's a good chance the poor guy is deep in BS fog and being spun a very unpleasant line.

Quick followup:

She approached me and said she talked to her husband, that she was happy in her new relationship, and that she is giving him 6 more months for the medical, then dropping him and finalizing the divorce.

I appreciate all the feedback, but there seems to be one common theme in your replies. Forgive me for my naivete, if so be it.

I know she is still married legally. But this couple have not been together for over 5 years. The only thing left is the paper. They live 100 miles apart, have both been in new relationships, and have been done for quite awhile. I know the husband would rather have her back, but this woman no longer wants him and there is little contact between them.

In fact, she seems to have more feelings for her last boyfriend (who dumped her) than her husband.

Some of your replies indicate that he is a BH and she is simply having affairs as if they are still actively married. The long passage of time does a lot to a relationship, married or not.

Whatever the outcome, this marriage thing is a deal breaker should it not end over the next few months. We have a great relationship but I'm feeling she needs to do more of the right thing here.

Opinions, other than the fact I am in denial

That's like saying, "I want your honest opinion, but not HONESTLY"

...you really need to stay your distance until she's divorced.