The most common first response to a spouse's neglect is to complain: "I'd like it if you'd be more affectionate." A complaint is an effort to communicate a problem without being demanding, disrespectful, or angry. It's a notification there's an opportunity to make deposits (or avoid withdrawals) from the Love Bank. There's nothing wrong with that initial approach to the problem of neglect since it's simply communicating a need.

But when that doesn't produce results, mistakes usually follow. The first mistake is to criticize: "Why do you ignore me? What's wrong with you?" A criticism adds demands, disrespect, and/or anger to the complaint. The message of an unmet emotional need is buried under layers of abuse. Instead of creating a cooperative partner, it creates an adversary.

When criticism fails, and it almost always does, the next step is usually to stop meeting the other spouse's emotional needs: "If you won't meet my emotional needs, I won't meet yours." And that usually means sex. It seems fair at the time, but as with criticism it usually doesn't work and leads to a steady deterioration of the relationship. Spouses start living independent lives, sleeping in different rooms, going on separate vacations, having separate friends, separate checking accounts, separate recreational activities - they become ships passing in the night.

At this point, they often make the biggest mistake of their lives-one or both spouses have an affair. There are no excuses for infidelity, but the reason most people give for having an affair is that their intimate emotional needs (affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment, and recreational companionship) are not being met in marriage. And since 60% of all marriages experience that extremely painful betrayal, this response to unmet emotional needs, which is common in marriage, is almost a certainty.

When a complaint doesn't work, and criticism doesn't work, and independent lifestyles don't work, and an affair doesn't work, then there's always divorce as a final answer to the question, "What should you do if your spouse isn't meeting your emotional needs?" There's little reason to fake it anymore. The marriage is broken, so why pretend that you're still married?

It's frustrating though, as she is a very avid reader, yet she has not picked up one book or afaik, not read one book on M and how to save them or D and the effects on children or Spouse.

Thank HHH.

Your comments help. Even though I should (do) already know the tips you give, it helps to hear it again. It helps to calm me down.

I'm in WA too btw! Western side

*edit Re: 1c: I'm very certain contact is continued. I do feel however based on the non-alien W making an appearance from last Sunday through Tues then the alien coming back on Wednesday that she was not in contact with OM those days. It was the W we were used to. Not glued to phone, reading like she normally does, not going out. It was a nice 3 day stint, but now the alien has reclaimed her once again.

When it comes to making marriage fulfilling for a wife, the "when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" approach dominates the thinking of many husbands. In this time-honored line of attack, a husband simply does whatever his wife wants, in the hope that he'll at least have peace and quiet. But peace and quiet doesn't turn out to be that easy. In fact, the more a husband reinforces a wife's "ain't nobody happy" part of the equation, the more skilled she becomes in making him miserable.

In many if not most cases, this "give her whatever she wants" approach to problem solving begins during courtship. In an effort to win her heart, he showers her with proof that he's the right one for her. No one will ever care for you the way I will. Then when she finally says, "I do," he's created a precedent. For a while, he tries to maintain that precedent, but one morning he wakes up to face the realization that while she gets pretty much whatever she wants, he's left with little to show for his effort. His wife might like being able to get her way, but he's getting nothing in return.

So he decides to change his approach. Instead of giving her whatever she wants, he takes charge and makes decisions that are in his best interest. If she's willing to let him suffer to get what she wants, how about a little reciprocity? Why can't she do a little suffering to get what he wants?

But his wife doesn't see his point. Thus begins the "ain't nobody happy" response that I mentioned above. That response, of course, does not endear her to him. In fact, it makes him wonder why he had tried so hard to make her happy in the first place. If she's unwilling to suffer to make me happy, I'll just make myself happy and try to ignore her. That strategy, of course, usually leads to infidelity and divorce.

Meaning what?


How is this done? In a calm, straightforward manner?

And in the long run, isn't it best for my daughter for us to be able to get along and do things together like birthdays and such? Not that I would want to, but if it gets to that, I want my DD to be as least affected by all this as possible. How does one handle that?

Alright! I could REALLY use some help with this. Tonight, I found a list WW has written for herself. Basically, a gameplan for how this D is going to go down. There's no real surprises in there, as alot of the contents are what we talked about last Saturday.

But seeing it written down, and she's even gone so far as to what things she needs to learn (things I usually do, such as the laundry machines, loading her Ipod, and such), right down to a short list of the major item who gets what list.

She's planning to use a Do-it-yourself documents place that apparently can do a D for #378.

Anyway, this has just REALLY got me freakin' out. It's like a slap of reality that there is no changing her mind.

Honestly, I don't know whether the OM has bearing on all this as even if there was no OM, she still wants this. Convinced there's no saving this M.

I expect most replies will be that this is fogbabble, but when she is making a list for herself and not saying this to me, is it more serious than expected?

It's frustrating though, as she is a very avid reader, yet she has not picked up one book or afaik, not read one book on M and how to save them or D and the effects on children or Spouse.

Even in the face of what has happened in the last month, I'm scared to death I've lost her and my family is no longer going to be one.

Hard to believe that 1.5months ago, all was "normal". Where do I go from here?! The sad thing is hindsight SUCKS! If I'd known then what I know now, we could be on our way to a better/happier M without this A tarnishing our Future and now potentially a D.

See if she will agree to a weekend away. Look up McMenamin's. They have a few resorts in OR. Packages include your room, a meal, and movies if the site has them. The Grand Lodge has a frisbee golf course. There are pubs and restaurants on site, usually a Spa, and some nice sized soaking pools. Get someone to watch your DD and get in a 2-3 day getaway.... if you can.

There is also Whistlin Jack lodge on HWY 410 that has Romance Packages.

If I were you, I would gather evidence of continued contact, adn reexpose.

You have no chance if you don't kill the affair dead.

OK?

You need to kill the affair. Dead.

See if she will agree to a weekend away. Look up McMenamin's. They have a few resorts in OR. Packages include your room, a meal, and movies if the site has them. The Grand Lodge has a frisbee golf course. There are pubs and restaurants on site, usually a Spa, and some nice sized soaking pools. Get someone to watch your DD and get in a 2-3 day getaway.... if you can.

There is also Whistlin Jack lodge on HWY 410 that has Romance Packages.

I wouldn't do a vacation until after the affair is dead. Otherwise she will just be on the phone with her boyfriend. Plus she probably won't even let him hold her hand.