I hear you, I really do. And I appreciate your advice. It is difficult to make sense of this. I am lost.

Listen to the vets here and get un-lost.

This is what Dr Harley says about separation:

There are also legal considerations. If a husband separates from his family, he can be accused of abandoning his children. If the marriage ends in divorce, he risks losing the right to joint custody. So an attorney should always be consulted before separating. When a woman wants to separate, she does not have the same legal problems because most courts let her stay in the home with her children. It's the husband who must leave.

If the husband chooses to separate, his children often feel that he's left them. It makes it very difficult for him to explain why he's taking such a drastic step, especially if sex is the problem. But if a wife asks him to leave, the children are still with her. She doesn't need to do as much explaining.

When a husband has children in the home, the risks and problems of separation often outweigh the rewards. After discussing the pros and cons of a separation because of sexual problems, most husbands I've counseled decide not to separate, and I go back to work trying to convince their wives to make love to them. There are three female coaches on our staff and I lean heavily on their instincts and persuasive skills when trying to address this problem.

But there are many other husbands I counsel who either have no children or whose children are adults. These men are in a better position to separate until their sexual problems have been resolved. Their wives must choose to either address the issue or live without the care of their husbands. And before any separation, I make sure that they have been doing a good job meeting their wife's emotional needs and avoiding Love Busters.

Scared and Confused... I agree with the others saying she is seeing someone else. I didn't want to believe my husband was either. It took pictures and emails to prove it to me. He said all the right things and he blamed me to the point I felt totally responsible and remorseful. Once DDay came I felt very different. Snoop. I snooped. And I found out ALOT including when we tried to reconcile that he was lying about not being in contact with her anymore. We are still separated (second time now) because he can't do no contact. He's trying again, don't know if he's succeeding... thats another story though. You need to start looking for the proof. Trust us, we've been there and some (like me) are still there. I would not sign those papers if you don't want a divorce. Once they are deep in the fog they will cut off their nose to spite their face...

Please read.
Men Do Not Leave Your Homes

If it infuriates her, she is definitely wayward.

if she has got you feeling like you walk on eggshells, she is definitely wayward.

I know it's hard but she doesnt know what she is saying right now. Its like shes under a spell.

She may rant and rave, but obeying your fear is not a plan.

Her plan is to drive you away and get a separation agreement. Her fury is to shepherd you into this.

Dont let her. She knows not what she does.

Your marriage and family can survive her ranting and raving but it cannot survive your abandoning them due to fear.

Your wife's goal is to make you feel lost, scared and confused.

So she can get you out of the way.

Has she asked you to do ONE thing for her? One specific thing and allowed you to try doing it? Would she thank you and let you home if you fixed that specific thing she is asking for?

If she is only asking for space and talking vaguely about her feelings changing- its because her reason for separation is a secret.

Blaming the betrayed person is what ALL wayward spouses do.

If she has said: "I love you but I'm not in love with you"

That's as good as proof of an affair.

A lot of Wayward wives promise to think about reconciliation if you give them 'space.' The betrayed husband agrees out of desperation and the next thing you know, you're divorced with little custody, paying for her to carry on with whomever in your old house.

You need to move home. Whether your marriage can be saved or not remains to be seen but leaving the home is a sure fire way to quicken its death and put you on shaky legal footing in a divorce.

Who care is she's mad? She's using anger towards you to keep you off balance. Get home and start spying. You're going to discover some old boyfriend on facebook or wherever and emails, calls and more. She's pushing you out to make space for someone new.

Guaranteed.

There, I fixed that for you.

If you don't want to see your kids only 50% of the time, then why'd you move out?

How old are the kids?

Go home and tell her that responsible grown ups fix their problems.

If she wants to piss the marriage away without a dot of effort, then she leaves not you.

Now locate your man spheres, straighten your spine, buy a shed-load of snooping tools and STOP HIDING

GO HOME!!!!!!

Whoa, moving out is a HUGE mistake. The only reason I would advise you doing this is if your wife is a crazed lunatic and you fear for your life (in which case I would take the kids out of there to a safe place). The only thing you are doing by living elsewhere is creating an established routine wherein your wife is the primary caretaker of your kids and you see them once a week or even less. If that is the future you want, by all means, stay in that bachelor pad and sign the separation agreement. Also know that most separation agreements turn into custody judgements when the divorce happens. Most judges don't like to upset the status quo once a child care routine is established. GET BACK IN YOUR HOUSE NOW BEFORE YOU LOSE EVERYTHING!!! Lastly, act like a rapper and snoop till you can't snoop anymore! My guess is she has a little somethin on the side.

Snooped but there isn't anything that I have found so far.

I am out of the house; have been for almost two months now. That ship sailed a while ago, unfortunately. I am trying to re-engage with her but she is reluctant. I am making small deposits by talking with her and buying her small but thoughtful gifts. I am also trying to engage in her interests. This is very difficult.

No ship had sailed.
Lacking a court order, you can move back today

Did you look at her computer at her house? Did you search her house for a cell phone?

I think you get my point: without being in her house, it's hard to really check up on her.


Why has it sailed? Is there a court order that says that you cannot live in your own house?


You know how you re-engage? You move back home, plop your butt right on the couch and tell her to pack her crap if she doesn't like it.

Allowing her to dictate that YOU be the one that move out so she can have an affair, only makes you look like you are weak. You are being controlled by her. It also says that you believe that she is the better parent for the children b/c you have abandoned the family home. I know you THINK you are doing the right thing by staying out of your home, BUT YOU ARE NOT!!! You are not in your right state of mind either. Addicts and narcissists make YOU sick too!!! If this were happening to your brother or your best friend, would you tell him to move out? Or, would you tell him to stand his ground, do the right thing, and if she doesn't like it, she can move out? Please wake up and do the right thing for your CHILDREN!!!

Please read.
Men, Don't leave your Home!

Coming back to this, why do you think the moment has passed?

Could it be that you asked for permission to come home and she gave her "nautical" response?

What's so ironic about your wife's behavior right now is that, although you think she'll go ape **edit* if you come home, she will, in the long run, respect you for it. And that is, ultimately, what she wants; a man she can respect. In fact, I'm guessing that placating your wife has led to this crisis in your marriage. It may seem counterintuitive but, deep down, she wants you to be strong right now and fight for her and your family.

X2

For what it is worth I waited too late to save my marriage but I have found through church, therapy, and intraspection how much I was not doing.

**edit**

I encourage everyone to soften their heart and try. I can tell you without hesitation being in my shoes is not where you want to be.

I pray for your situation to work!